Agony. Pain. Tears. Those are all that I am capable of these days. I can't forget the look on my family's faces when I delivered my sentence firmly, "I won't go through with it." I still remember that day as clearly as the clear blue water in front of me. I sat on my favorite rock facing First Beach and my fists clinched involuntarily as images invaded my mind as sharp as a knife thrust into an abdomen, the pain of which I have no doubt is the same. I recall Carlisle's reaction first, as it was the most difficult to watch out of all; my mother's and Alice's were more than expected. I have never seen my father shed a tear, not even at Nana Elizabeth's funeral, who was Carlisle's mother. It wasn't that Carlisle was unfeeling or cold-hearted, no. My father may be the most compassionate man in all of Chicago, or the world even. But as I uttered those fateful words I was utterly shocked to see tears falling freely from my father's sky-blue eyes. I haven't seen that familiar twinkle in his eyes for over six months now, and I fervently pray each night, among other nightly prayers, that I can catch a glimpse of that twinkle before I go. While my dear mother and sister sobbed without abandon, begging to give it a go and not give up, my dad asked in a broken voice a one-word question, "Why?" My answer to him, to all of them, my sweet mom Esme, my dear sister Alice, and my childhood best friend Emmett, came a month later. We had had lunch with our extended family, the McCarty's who are also Emmett's family, when I felt the signs of my disease making themselves apparent so I had excused myself with the pretext of tiredness and went to take my medication in my room. I remember Allie coming up to my room five minutes later to check up on me, and I feigned sleep.
I guess the medication really took its toll on me and in a few minutes I was knocked out for real. The next thing I knew I was screaming bloody murder from the pain in my chest and everyone came running into my room, each with a panicked and worried expression. The ladies sobbed into each other's arms and Emmett had clasped both my dad's and his dad's shoulders, as if containing them or containing himself. As the pain began to ebb away and recede I was able to breathe properly again, which seemed like a signal at which the wolves converged upon their prey, or in my case, my family suffocated me with their constant fretting. I knew they did it out of worry and fear but I couldn't take it anymore and shouted the answer they've all been wanting to hear," STOP TOUCHING ME! STOP WITH THE PITYING! THIS WAS MY CHOICE ALRIGHT?" they were all shocked at my outburst and it seemed to hurt them so I carried on softly, " Look guys, I love you, and I appreciate the fact that you care, but this is getting to be too much. It's the reason why I refused the surgery. I can't bear prolonging my pain, and even more so, can't bear prolonging yours. I don't want to spend the last days of my life in a hospital bed. I want to enjoy all the time I have left ok? Just stop contemplating calling the ambulance every time I wince in pain or even scream like I did now. It's bound to happen." And I knew it was a low blow to all of them but I requested, "that you let me live my life as I see fit and not suffocate me with your worries and fears. I'm going to die, no running away from that. I've accepted it, so please you guys try too, for me. Can you honor a dying man's wish?" to which Allie punched me hard in the arm and buried herself in my arms, calling me an "insensitive prick." I loved my twin, for she was my best friend even before Emmett came into my life, and I still feel guilty for the times I had ditched her to hang out with Emmett while we were younger. Now, at seventeen, the four of us were inseparable, with the addition of Emmett's steady girlfriend of three years Rosalie Hale. Both Allie and I had refused to date throughout middle and high school, opting for waiting for our 'ones' as we liked to call them, our significant others. We're very close and share everything with each other. I tried keeping my distance with her, but it was hard. After all, we shared our first steps in life by each holding the other. We play that video every year at the Cullen family reunion, Alice and I helping the other stand, and with a smile and lots of baby gurgles, take a step towards our parents together. I'm trying to get Allie used to my absence, to lessen the blow when the time came for me to leave this earth. I couldn't bear to imagine her pain if I remained close with her in my final months and suddenly left her. She didn't have her 'one' to take care of her. At least my parents had each other, and Em had Rose, but Allie didn't have anyone. I think Allie understood what I was trying to do; she always understood me best. Even with my resoluteness in my decision, she didn't fight me on it as much as the others did, because she knew that nothing could change my mind.
I inhaled sharply as that now familiar sting of pain shot through my chest, and knelt by the rock for a few minutes or hours; I couldn't make out at this point, I just wanted the pain to stop. I concentrated on the soothing sound of the waves and seagulls in the distance. I clutched my wet shirt tightly to my chest, wet from the sweat of the strain of breathing properly and situated myself against the rock, too exhausted from the attack to stand up. I texted Allie with trembling fingers, asking her to give me fifteen more minutes before she came to pick me up. Due to my health, I'm now forbidden by doctor dad and Dr. Eleazer, my private doctor back when my problem first started, to drive anymore, so Allie now acted as my personal chauffeur wherever I needed to go. At first, I tried to not burden her and for the first few weeks begged Em for rides, until she got wind of this and threatened to break each of my precious classical cd's right before my eyes if I tried asking anyone other than her for rides. I think she needed to feel useful, or wanted to spend as much time as possible with me before my time came, so I indulged her in that… not that I conversed much for I still believed I should keep my distance. Allie though made up for all of my silences. She talked a mile a minute about latest fashion trends and her latest designs, as well as her excitement and anticipation of the reply from Sorbonne University in Paris. I knew she's make it, told her as much, but she refused to believe in her own abilities and nervously awaited a reply from them every day in the coming months.
Fifteen minutes were up and I suddenly felt uneasy, regretting agreeing to Allie's request for a talk in my room at night. If it weren't for her tears and desperate tone, I would never have promised her but I can never break any promises I made with my twin – it was our unspoken rule throughout our lives. I knew the subject she wanted to discuss with me, and though I looked forward to being in the company of said subject, I wasn't looking forward to discussing her with Allie. Because she knew that things have changed for me now, that I wasn't as firm and resolute in my decision as I was a week before. A brown-haired beauty with rich-brown eyes had me second-guessing my decision, regretting it even. And for Allie, that was all that mattered. She found the beginnings of a hole in my armor, and damn all if she didn't try to seize this opportunity and change my mind. "I won't go through with it, I won't go through with it, I won't go through with it," was my mantra as I stood up to meet Allie by the beach's parking lot. I tried distinguishing the will to live again, for it grew stronger every day since I met my 'one', and no matter how much I tried, it was completely fruitless.