Summary: Horatio tries to come to peace with the worst kind of loss.
Author's note: Just a sad fic that I wrote. Because sometimes people go through the worst kind of loss. Even gentle souls like Horatio.
Horatio couldn't remember how he had got home. But he figured someone from his team must have driven him. He was standing on his back porch looking, or rather staring, out towards the beach and the ocean. His team, or most of them, were inside the house, trying to figure out what to say to him. Horatio felt numb. Lost. Unsure of himself. He couldn't ever remember feeling this unsure of himself ever before. It had been a few hours now since Frank had told him the news. His son, his sweet Kyle, had been on his way to sign up for the police academy. He had told Horatio that he wanted to follow in his father's footsteps the night before and Horatio had been so proud.
Kyle had been walking along the street and never seen the car coming. The woman behind the wheel had had a seizure; her first seizure in fifteen years. It had been quick Frank had said, Kyle had never felt a thing. Horatio could not remember how he had reacted, but he think he had fallen to his knees and cried. More like wailing with the pain his heart. Frank had held him and Eric and Ryan had showed up; trying to comfort their friend.
And then as soon as he had got home Horatio had gone to the back porch and refused to speak to anyone. Natalia, Walter and Ryan were working on trying to gather all the evidence, even though it was just a horrible accident and not a criminal investigation. Calleigh was making dinner, hoping to be able to persuade Horatio to eat something later.
Truth be told he didn't want to eat. He just wanted to disappear. He wanted to wake up and realize that this was just a dream. He was just dreaming, he had to be. Any time now Kyle would walk through the front door and give his father that crooked smile he always did. Any time now. Just wait.
Horatio waited a long time. With each passing minute the pain in his heart increased and the realization that he would never again see his son's face again increased. With each passing minute he felt his heart race and his breathing become heavy. He wanted to run away, he wanted to scream, he wanted to hide and he wanted to punch something or someone. He could feel himself shaking with the force of trying to control himself. He could feel that he was losing that battle and that any moment now the walls would come falling down and he wouldn't be able to stop himself from screaming out his anguish.
Why him? Why his son? What had he done to deserve to go through such a terrible loss? Was it not enough to already have lost several friends, his brother twice and his wife? When was it going to stop?
He couldn't understand it. Horatio tried to search within himself for an answer and in doing so he finally realized that he wasn't dreaming. This was reality. Kyle being gone was real. He wouldn't be walking through the front door anytime soon. He would never do it again. Never again would Horatio be able to hug him and tell him he loved him.
With that realization Horatio fell to his knees. He heard someone come running to him as he wept and wept. The tears blurred his vision and he just could not hold back anymore. Strong arms that he knew belonged to Frank embraced him and Horatio sobbed against his friend's chest. His best friend cried too. Frank stopped him when Horatio started hitting himself in the head. Willing the pain to go away. Wanting the image in his head of his son on Tom Loman's autopsy table to go away.
"Let it out Horatio, it's okay. I'm right here" Frank said.
The others let him be. They could only watch as their boss and friend completely broke down at the loss of his beloved son and as he was comforted by his friend. As Horatio's body shook with tremors and anguish Alexx arrived and immediately went to his side. She tried to talk him into slowing down his breathing as she could hear that he was beginning to hyperventilate.
Horatio couldn't care less. So what if he started hyperventilating or stopped breathing? What if he died tonight? Why should he care? He had nothing left. The one person that mattered more to him that life itself had been taken from him. Horatio was so angry. Angry at God for taking his boy. Angry at the world. Angry at himself. Feeling as if he should have seen it coming and prevented his son from being there at that exact moment. He should have saved him. Nothing would ever heal the enormous hole in his chest where his heart used to be. Nothing could ever put the pieces back together.
Frank and Alexx's hearts broke as Horatio started saying that it was his fault and that he should have saved his son. His sobbing wrecked through his body as he continued chanting how it was all his fault.
"It's not your fault baby. You could not have known this would happen." Alexx said.
"Let's go inside Horatio, you need to lie down" Frank said quietly.
Frank practically had to lift him up. It was as if his own legs wouldn't carry him. But they made it into the bedroom and Frank helped him change out of the suit into something he could sleep in. It was getting late Horatio noticed, already the sky outside was darkening.
"I don't want to be alone." He whispered.
"I'm right here budd." Frank said.
Frank helped Horatio lie down under the covers and sat next to him as the shock and the pain became too much for his weary body and mind and he finally fell asleep. Everyone knew it wouldn't last long though and he would soon wake up from nightmares. But they would be there every step of the way. When the nightmares began a few hours later Frank and Alexx were the main ones to help him. They knew that they were the best to calm him down after knowing the man for twenty years. Eventually in the early morning Horatio fell into an exhausted sleep and did not wake up for long.
Days passed into weeks and Kyle's funeral was sweet and gentle; just like the boy had been. Many friends of Kyle turned up; especially from his days in the army. Horatio barely heard a word that anyone spoke though; he was having enough trouble just holding himself together. He could not remember half of what he had been doing since that first night after Kyle's death. He had been surrounded by people he loved and that loved him , their attempts to comfort him did nothing to help. There was a stabbing pain in his chest where his heart used to be all the time. He could not sleep or eat. Alexx tried her hardest to make him eat, but what little he did manage to eat he usually couldn't keep down. He managed just enough not to be put in a hospital, but he had lost weight and he knew he looked like a wreck.
Horatio felt like a wreck too. He could never fully recover from this; that much he knew. He wasn't sure if he even wanted to. It felt like he would be betraying Kyle's memory by moving on. Yet, he knew he shouldn't wallow in grief for the rest of his life.
Horatio spent a lot of time by his son's grave. Sometimes talking to him, but mostly just sitting there lost in thought. Not saying a word. Sometimes he would snap out of his trance and go home by himself, sometimes someone from the team helped him go home. It was like he was always lost in a trance when he visited his son. This time was no different and he jumped when he felt a hand on his shoulder.
"Come on buddy, you need to go home." Frank said.
Horatio didn't answer, he just got up and walked with Frank to his car. He got in the passenger seat and Frank drove him home. Once there, his best friend followed him inside and started making dinner.
"I'm sorry." Horatio said, "For making everyone's lives harder."
"What are you talking about?" Frank asked.
"It's not fair for any of you to have to take care of me. You probably don't want to spend your evening with me, I'm not much fun these days. There is so much else all of you could be doing instead of spending all this time with a lonely, sad old man." Horatio whispered.
"I enjoy your company no matter what." Frank said, "We are family and family take care of each other. I know that losing Kyle will be very hard to get over. And you probably never fully will. But that doesn't matter, I'll still always be here for you."
Horatio nodded and gave his friend and thankful smile. Yes, they would all always be there. Horatio was grateful for that. Because without his team he probably wouldn't have made it this far.
"I'll always be here." Frank said.
The End