Day 13: "On His List" by Lyra Verse

25 Days of Richonne Challenge, Summary: Michonne finds out that she's on Rick's naughty list. And it's not for the reason that she expected.

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"Ouch!"

Unnoticed in the doorway, Michonne watched Rick stumble over a wayward present that peeked a little too far from underneath the large Christmas tree they had managed to cut down and erect in their living room. She almost laughed. Almost.

It was pretty comical to see her husband banging and thrashing around, trying to be stealthy but failing miserably at doing so. And it didn't help that he was dressed in full Santa gear. Red coat, pants, hat, white beard, and all. She wondered which store he raided and when to get the full get-up. The only reason she couldn't quite manage to bring the laugh to her lips was because she knew it was partly because of Rick's relatively new knee injury that he wasn't able to be as sure footed as he once had been. As a result of the war, which was now over, Rick's bowlegged and confident gait had now become a limp. His face showed weariness and age that probably would not have been there if the war could have been avoided, if that man she couldn't even think on lest she would do something reckless did not exist, if one less life would have been lost. If his life wouldn't have been lost. Their reason for being.

It had been three years since the end of the war, but the pain was still fresh. Like it had happened yesterday.

Rick kicked the package he had stumbled over and an unattractive shattering sound came from within. Something had broken. Rick groaned.

"You're bad at this you know," Michonne said from the entryway, finally making her presence known. Rick turned his head quickly, startled to see her. The surprise in his eyes gave way to softness when he looked at her. Michonne was always taken aback whenever he looked at her like that, that he could manage it after all of the hard times they had been through.

She wrapped her white, cotton bath robe tighter around her when she saw the fall of Rick's features underneath the fake beard. She had unintentionally hurt him with her words when that wasn't what she had meant to do.

"Sorry," he said. "Did I wake you?" His voice was slightly rougher than it usually was. Michonne attributed that to exhaustion. Sleep exhaustion and exhaustion with life in general.

"No," Michonne responded, walking forward. "I was getting up to get some hot chocolate. But if you keep banging around, you're going to wake our Judith girl up." She smiled to offer teasing playfulness to the words, to rectify the hurt she had inflicted before.

"Oh," Rick said. He gave a small smile. The tonal message that she wasn't trying to start a fight had reached him.

Things had been hard after the loss of him. Michonne couldn't say she was always proud of how she had handled the after. Their relationship had suffered strained moments.

There was something about the gentle snowfall outside, though. The crackling fire in the fireplace. The lights twinkling on the tree and Rick's determination (in simply dressing up as Santa Claus) to make this a perfect Christmas for their daughter that made everything, since the loss happened, to seem divinely planned. Like everything was in the right place for tonight.

Wanting to keep the mood light, Michonne glanced toward the presents under the tree. "Is there anything for me under there?" A slight upturn of her lips warmed the room. It was a halfway genuine question though. After some of the fights and tense silences she and Rick had had this year, she didn't know whether she was expecting anything from him.

"I don't know," Rick surprised her by saying in his slow, Southern drawl that she still hadn't gotten tired of. "You are on my list. Just not the nice one."

Michonne turned her body to face him, her eyebrows raised. "What is that supposed to mean?"

"You're on my list, just not the nice one," Rick repeated with a shrug, as if that explained everything.

"So you're saying I'm on the naughty list," Michonne guessed.

There was a long pause and, for a moment, Michonne thought Rick was going to leave her in suspense. But that wasn't Rick's intention. It seemed he was searching for the right words. His eyes were cast downward as he thought and a flutter of his eyelashes told Michonne that whatever words he was casting for in his mind were serious ones. This caused Michonne to panic. Not the kind of panic that sends a person running down the street, screaming. But an inward panic that creates the sensation of a cold bucket of water dousing first the heart then rushing down to the stomach. For some reason, she became certain that he was trying to find the words to separate from her.

She didn't know how marital separation worked in this day and age, but the deep breath he took before speaking scared her all the same.

Before he could utter anything, Michonne asked, "It's not that bad, is it?" Her voice cracked slightly, broken under the weight of uncertainty.

He sighed and took his Santa hat off. And his beard. All vestiges of the merry holiday gone from his visage so that she could see his face clearly. His curls were still there, though a little grayer. "It's that bad," Rick finally said.

Michonne's heart dropped. She couldn't believe that she was actually hearing this. She couldn't believe that he was actually saying it.

"It's...uhh..." Rick cleared his throat. Michonne worked to continue listening, even though everything was falling apart around her. "Something I've been thinking for a while," Rick continued. "How I feel. Actually, my- my list is a short list. Only two people are on it. You and Judith."

Michonne's brow furrowed in confusion at the mention of their daughter's name. 'Judith?'

"I always felt...and told myself..." Rick said, his gravelly voice deep. Fire crackled in the fireplace, creating wayward shadows, and snow continued to blanket the ground outside as Rick spoke. Michonne focused on watching the flurries through the window so that she wouldn't be looking into the face of the man she loved when he broke her heart. "That I would protect Carl. With my dying breath."

Michonne gasped softly, a hiccup of pain. She hadn't expected his name to come up tonight. Though it was always there, hanging silently in the air.

"And if for some reason he went before me, I would follow after him." Michonne slid her eyes back to his face. The deep age and stress lines were even more animated in the firelight. "Gladly," Rick continued. "But you...you and Judith came along and changed that. You two are the reason I get up every day and make me keep going. Even though there's a huge, Carl-sized hole in my heart. And sometimes I resent you for that."

Moisture gathered on Michonne's eyelashes as she realized what Rick was saying.

"I resent Judith." Rick ducked his head with guilt. "Somehow...you two make me happy. And for that, you're bad. For that, you're on my list."

Rick's voice broke and tears spilled from his weary eyes. Michonne didn't hesitate in going forward to press her body against his in a warm hug. Tears fell from her eyes as well. She knew only too well what Rick was feeling. She had felt it after the death of her first son and she felt it now. The guilt of every laugh and smile. The guilt of not having been able to protect him.

"I know," Michonne said. "I know."

They hugged each other for a long while, until the tear stains on both of their cheeks had dried.

"The greatest gift we could have is each other," Michonne said, comforted by his warmth as she knew he was comforted by hers. She knew that no matter how bad things got, they would stick it out to the end. Her, Rick, and Judith. They were each other's tether to the world. One tether was now gone, but the other tethers held strong. And eventually, Judith would go and make tethers of her own. Michonne felt a sort of peace she hadn't felt in three years settle over her in that moment. She felt Rick relax against her as well.

"But there is something for me under the tree too, though, right?" Michonne finally asked to add levity to the moment.

Rick smiled. "I love you," he said, the rumble of his voice caused small vibrations against Michonne's skin since she was still pressed against him. This made her smile. "And yes, you have something under the tree. Quite a few somethings. I know you."

Michonne chuckled. "Hey," she said, pulling back from the hug to look him in the eye. "I'm all about the true spirit of Christmas."

"Yeah, you are," Rick said. "As long as you get presents too."

Michonne rolled her eyes. "Well, do you know what I got you?"

"What?"

"A cane."

"I told you I don't want a cane! I don't want to feel old."

"You are old. Old man."

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- My contribution to the 25 Days of Christmas Challenge hosted by Richonne Just Desserts.