Always
The truth is shattering. His ears are pounding, his heart is beating faster than possible whilst his mind has never been slower… this is a moment where time has stopped and Snape can only attempt to grab at the changing reality. Somewhere, deep inside his chest, his heart is shattered, beyond broken, and the pieces, jagged and sharper than glass, dig and scar his mind in the form of memories.
Lily has always been beautiful.
Outside, she is radiant and gorgeous and perfect. Her hair falls lush and thick, the most stark red he has ever seen, and when she pulls it up into a quick bun, the little too-short piece that always falls down - the bit that Lily hates and always curses - and Severus doesn't think he has ever seen something so adorable. Her eyes are the colour of emeralds, framed by delicate, long lashes that lay against her pale cheeks in a most delightful contrast. Her fingers are just the right size to slot between his, never clammy, never too cold. Perfect. So perfect.
And inside, she is just as amazing. Her wit is worthy of a Ravenclaw, her loyalty that of a Hufflepuff, her cunningness alike a Slytherin's and her courage on par with a Gryffindor. She can make a room brighter by just smiling, make a miserable, rainy day magical by laughing and can hold intelligent conversations with seventh years when she is in her third and sometimes can outsmart teachers, even on her worst days.
Each second he is alive, Severus falls yet more in love with the goddess that is Lily Evans. He watches her out of the corner of his eye, silently yearning, waiting for his courage to be enough… but that day does not come and he watches with stone cold envy as Lily Evans accepts James Potter's request and he loses her forever.
Dumbledore is watching him. It was a mistake to trust him, to allow him to protect something as important as Lily. Reality is crashing down upon him - those emerald eyes will never open again, that laugh will never be heard again, her hand will never fit inside his again - and it hurts. Merlin, does it hurt.
"You were to keep her safe." The words tumble out. Anger is better than the hurt that threatens to tear him apart; he latches onto it like a long lost friend and pushes the hurt away and pretends that he is not a broken man.
"Lily and James put their faith in the wrong person, Severus." Dumbledore is solemn, voice low and cautious. "Rather like you."
Snape flinches at the low blow. He knows he has wronged, has messed up. He regrets it every second that his heart still beats - if he still has a heart - and he will spend the rest of his life regretting and trying to receive forgiveness.
"The boy survives."
"He doesn't need protection. The Dark Lord is gone!"
There is a spark of light in this. He has his freedom… but at much to high a price. He would rather be enslaved to the Devil for all eternity than to see Lily dead. He does not care for her spawn, the last living thing that proves that she was still alive, and even that is spoiled by James Potter - who, even in death, had the last laugh by claiming the child that was supposed to be Severus', as well as the girl he loved more than his own soul, his life. For that's what Lily was. Lily was his life. He lived for her.
"The Dark Lord will return. When he does, the boy will be in terrible danger. He has her eyes. If you truly loved her…"
It is not a question of love. Snape has never been surer of anything in his life. But James Potter's child…? He sighs. For Lily.
"No one can know."
"I shall never reveal the best of you, Severus."
"Your word?"
"And you will risk your life every day to protect the boy."
Yes, he will. For Lily.
Her body is cold. Snape holds her in his arms, slips his fingers into her's - too cold now, forever cold - and cradles her head as he rocks, denying, denying. Her chest does not move. She is not breathing.
The baby watches him with Lily's eyes - the eyes that stare up at the ceiling (deaddeaddeaddead) and can't see his tear streaked face. He has not cried since fifth year, the night where he called her a Mudblood and then lost her forever. Something like a whine emits from his throat.
It is eerily silent. Death is heavy in the air, not a scent, but a feeling. Power tickles his nostrils as he weeps for his lost love, still rocking and regretting, ignoring everything except Lily. Her lips are tinged blue. She is so cold… he doesn't want to accept it. He can't believe that she's gone. He wants to rage and scream and die too, so maybe he can see her once more and say sorry and start again. But fate is cruel and Death has no time for a broken man.
"I'm sorry." He whispers into her hair, still as lush and red as when he first fell in love with her. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Oh Merlin, I'm sorry. I love you. Please don't be dead. Please…"
But dead bodies can't talk.
Time passes. When Harry Potter comes to Hogwarts, small and scrawny and wearing glasses that hide Lily's eyes, Snape does protect him. But Snape is a bitter man. Revenge can be exacted on Harry Potter - his hatred at James for stealing the love of his life, his hatred at Lily for dying when he needed her. By the time he feels that he is being petty, he cannot stop but Snape is bitter and drowns his worries in Firewhiskey.
And thus the years pass.
"After all this time?" Dumbledore says.
Snape smiles bitterly.
"Always.
The End.
Sorry I haven't posted anything since like God knows how long ago. Several projects have been started and scrapped in this time - I have one heck of a oneshot on it's way, though, so look out for that and I'm currently working on a second person point of view story - and I don't know how long it'll be until anything else is posted. But hey, enjoy this!
FACT: Authors like reviews. Do what you will with this information. Night.