Mark watches her intensely as she slides out from beneath the crisp, white sheets and perches on the very edge of the king size bed, her long, dark hair gently falling in soft waves down her toned back.
His long fingers stretch towards her, stopping short of brushing her smooth skin as a desperate plea of "Don't go" slips over his lips so quietly that she doesn't hear.
Or she chooses not to.
He forces himself to believe it's the latter. Soothing himself with the lie that if he asked she'd stay, because it's less heart wrenching than the harsh reality that this is all they will ever be.
Swiftly she retrieves her bra from the floor, slotting her arms through the straps and reaching around to hook the fasteners into place, mere hours after he deftly undid it and tossed the black lace garment aside. As his gaze wanders over her beautiful body she stands and gracefully steps into the matching panties, sliding them quickly over her slender thighs before grabbing her fitted blouse and tight fitting pencil skirt and striding into the bathroom.
As the door closes behind her and the soft trickle of a tap fills the air he glances at the thin gold band resting on the bedside table beside her Blackberry and sighs loudly to himself. For the briefest periods of time he gets to pretend that she is his but then, before he's ever ready, the cold, hard truth is always waiting for him.
Shuffling across the bed he reaches out and cradles her cell phone in his palm, flicking straight to the photo folder like he always does when she's out of sight and has left it in plain view. Once he'd even grabbed it from her bag as it teased him, peaking out from between the soft folds of buffalo leather, but that was not a fact of which he was proud.
Scrolling through the photos he feels his heart swell and then pinch as the familiar ache and longing settles in the pit of his stomach.
Engrossed he delves further into the folder of snaps, not noticing that she's returned until she's almost stood over him, now fully dressed and looking far from impressed.
"I…er…I was…" he stumbles, his cheeks flushing crimson at the embarrassment of being caught out.
"You were what?" she scowls before jumping to her own conclusions.
"Oh my god! Mark, were you reading my texts?"
"No, no! I would never do that!"
She could tell that he was being honest. She knew him well enough to know when he was lying. Relief flooded through her and her nerves calmed slightly knowing that he hadn't just read the flurry of somewhat suggestive texts she'd shared with her husband on the commute to work that morning. She hadn't meant a word. It was an all act. She was his wife, she had a role to play and if she played it well then he'd never suspect that she was also playing away.
"Then what are you doing with my phone?"
"Looking at your photos" he confesses knowing he has to be honest.
She couldn't help but let her lips kick up into a tiny smile.
"There are no sexy shots on there, you have all of those on your cell!"
"And they've kept me warm many a night" he grins as she punches him playfully on the arm before swiping her phone from his grasp.
"See!" she announces as she catches sight of the last photo he looked at, still covering the screen.
"Nothing but baby photos on here"
"I know" he nods as she drops the phone into her bag and clips her hospital id back onto the waistband of her figure hugging skirt.
Dr. Alexandra Avery.
The name typed in a neat black font sitting underneath her smiling photo hits him like a bullet to the heart. Like it does every time. Taking his breath away and crushing him whole.
Before he can compose himself her wedding band is slotted neatly back onto her finger and she kisses him softly before heading for the door.
"I'm so late, I've really got to go! I'll call" she promises.
He knows it won't be long until she does. It never is. But then it's never long until she's leaving again without even a glance back. It kills him that she never looks back. It kills him that she never stays.
"Lex?" he mumbles uncertainly and she twists her head to look at him, still moving towards the exit.
"Mark! I've really got to go!" she sighs not wanting to look back, knowing that if she does she'll never want to leave. She will want this to be real and it never will be. Never can be. She has her son to think about now and he will always come first.
"It was the baby photos I was looking for. I want a paternity test" he tells her firmly.
She stops dead in her tracks, her bag sliding off of her shoulder, slumping down her arm and hovering at her wrist, its weight almost as much to bear as the fear that she's been carrying around with her. The fear that one day he would ask for this.
"No" she shakes her head, gasping a little in shock. She hadn't seen this coming, not today.
"Yes" he states forcefully, surprising even himself. He'd wanted this for so long but he never thought he'd ask for it. Not when the answer could take her away from him forever.
"Mark…"
"I need to know Lex" he pleads, his blue eyes tinged with a sadness she knows she has caused.
"You know…he's Jackson's" she insists, trying not to meet his gaze. "We've talked about this Mark"
"No, no we haven't Lexie" he shakes his head.
"You just decided. You say he's Jackson's but you don't know that. He could be mine…he is mine, he has the Sloan nose!" he pleads a little desperately.
"He looks like me" she protests, thankful that her little boy has her dark hair and big brown eyes and that his Daddy will never look at him and wonder if he was fathered by someone else.
"That doesn't mean he's not mine"
"We were really careful!"
"Are you saying you weren't careful with Avery?" he splutters in disbelief.
"Did you plan to get pregnant?"
The thought wounds him more than any other to ever cross his mind. She'd left him because she didn't want a baby and then she'd gone and planned one with someone else?
"No! No of course I didn't! But he's my husband Mark, so he doesn't think protection is an issue and I was stressed out and maybe I forgot to take my pill…I don't know…"
"Maybe you forgot to take it one of the days when you were with me?"
"I didn't" she looks at him pleadingly, begging him to stop this with her heartbroken look. But he can't. He needs more than just a few hours in bed with the love of his life whenever they happen to be in the same state. And he needs to know if that little boy is his.
"I need to know Lex"
"Why? Why now? He's two years old Mark and you've never asked before!"
"That's a lie and you know it!" his voice is raised now, anger penetrating his tone and his harsh expression.
"You asked once, when I told you I was pregnant. You asked if there was any chance he could be yours and -"
"And you said no" he interrupts.
"And I accepted that Lex, but I never believed it. I just didn't want this to end, I didn't want to drive you away by asking again"
"So why now?"
"Because I deserve better than this" he whispers sadly and she knows it's true, she knows that she's holding him back from a better life but she just can't give him up. She's tried it before, especially when she was pregnant. She managed to stay away for months but then the ache in her heart became unbearable and they were back to their old ways again.
"I don't want a quick shag every now and then Lex, I don't just want you to fit me in when you're in Seattle or when I'm in New York. I want you, all of you. And I want our son"
"My son" she whispers. Because at least she knows that is true.
"And I am not a quick shag!" she looks at him disgusted.
"Then what else do you call this?" he questions her angrily.
"Making love?" he scoffs and the tiny laugh that escapes from him pierces her like an arrow.
"Yes!" she exclaims sadly.
"At least it is for me"
"Then I'd hate to see how you treat someone you don't love!"
"I do love you" she murmurs letting her bag drop to the floor and moving back towards the bed.
"Don't!" he holds his hand out to stop her advancing further forward.
"It's not enough anymore Lexie. Telling me you love me and kissing me and then running back to your husband after a couple of hours. It's not enough Lex! It was never enough!"
"I know" she mumbles her voice full of shame.
"I know…I was going to leave him"
"You were?" he looks up at her curiously, a sudden hope in his voice.
She nods.
"But then I found out I was pregnant. And it wasn't just about me, or us, anymore. I have Jake to think about now"
"You think I don't think about him? You think I don't think about him every second of every single day? Wondering if my son is being brought up by some other guy?"
"It's too late now" she tells him sadly.
"Jackson is his Daddy. The only one he's ever known and he adores him. I won't hurt him by risking taking that away from him Mark"
"It's not too late Lexie, it's never too late!" he pleads taking her hand and staring into her eyes.
"Jake's young. He would adapt. And I'd love him so much, him and you, we could be a family. That's all I've ever wanted, to be a family with you"
"No" she shakes her head in regret.
"You wanted a family. Whether it involved me or not. And you got it. Sofia and Callie and Arizona. Don't blame me if now you've got it you don't like it!"
"You know we didn't plan Sofia. She's my daughter and I love her but if I could have chosen to have a baby with you instead of Callie I would have done it in a second!"
"It's easy to say that now" she mumbles, staring down at his hand on hers.
"And it's easy to put all the blame on me when you said you didn't want marriage or kids and then before I knew it Avery had a ring on your finger!"
"I'm sorry" she whispers not sure what else to say.
"Me too" he squeezes her hand softly, hating to see her upset but knowing that these things need to be said.
"Jackson has never done anything but love and support me, I can't hurt him Mark"
"And what about hurting me? That's okay huh?" he drops her hand as though he just touched hot coal.
"No, no…I'm sorry…we can stop this if that's what you want"
"Of course it's not what I want"
"Me either" she breathes out in relief.
"But I think it's what I need"
"Oh" her heart plummets and all she wants to do is cling to him and never let go but she can tell from the look in his eyes that he's serious.
"I love you Lexie. But I'm done. I deserve so much more than what you're prepared to give"
"You're right" she bites her lip, desperately trying to hold back her tears.
He fights back tears too. Wishing that she loved him enough to give him more. Wishing she'd be his and not some other guy's.
"What about Jake?" she eyes him worriedly.
"You're not going to do something stupid, like lawyers or anything are you?"
"No' he shakes his head defeated.
"You get your way Little Grey. Like always. You get to walk out of here and go back to your perfect little family and I'll go home to Seattle to my empty apartment, you win Lex, you win"
"I lost a long, long time ago" she protests but he's not listening.
"Just go if you're going, have a nice life Lex" he doesn't look at her as he whispers his order.
"I'm sorry" she's crying now as she presses her soft lips to his cheek and speaks into his ear.
"I'm sorry I couldn't be who you wanted"
"You were all I ever wanted" he whispers sadly, but only after the door has slammed shut behind her.