Disclaimer: I own nothing of the amazing Castle universe except my DVDs and Nikki Heat books, and a crazy brain full of Caskett ideas!
Okay, mild spoilers for 3:18 One Life to Lose – this is set sometime after that but before Knockout. R&R please! But most importantly... enjoy!
Home and Safe
"Hey guys – you got a minute?"
Ryan and Esposito looked up to find Castle hovering beside their desks.
"Yeah sure bro, what's up?" Esposito asked, the two detectives abandoning their paperwork for a moment.
"Has Beckett mentioned anything to you about why she's been so quiet these last couple of days? She's not mad at me for some reason, is she? Cos I honestly can't think what I could have done to piss her off – if I knew, I'd apologize but..." The partners exchanged a look. "What?"
"Beckett's not mad at you, Castle." Ryan assured him. He took a breath, glancing over at their boss' empty desk to make sure she wasn't within earshot, before continuing, albeit gently. "Tomorrow is her mom's birthday."
Rick's insides clenched painfully; no wonder Kate had been so quiet recently. A soft "oh" was all he could think of to say.
"She always takes the day off, goes to her mom's grave I think, and then to her dad's place. It's best just to give her some space, you know. She'll be fine in a couple of days." Esposito explained and Ryan nodded. Castle was imagining Kate in some grim cemetery all alone in the fading light, flowers clutched in her hand and tears running down her cheeks. He pushed the depressing picture away as he heard footsteps behind him.
The boys were pretending to be engrossed in their paperwork once more as Beckett called across the bullpen.
"I'm heading out now guys, night."
"Night Beckett."
"Good night boss."
Castle watched as she pulled her bag over her shoulder and turned to leave.
"Take care, Kate."
She managed a tiny smile as she spoke, her voice low. "Night Castle." Then she was gone.
"You really think she'll be okay?" Rick asked the boys. "I don't like thinking of her by herself all day tomorrow."
"She'll be fine, man, she just needs a bit of time alone."
"Yeah and besides, she won't be alone all day – I'm pretty sure she usually goes to see her dad." Esposito added. "Don't worry bro, give it a day or two and Beckett will back to normal – bossing you around."
"Huh yeah." Ryan agreed with a smile.
"Mmm I guess you're right." Castle said, getting to his feet.
"Oh so just cos Beckett's gone you're off too are ya?" Esposito asked. "Not gonna stay and hang out with us? Maybe help do some paperwork so we can all go home?"
"I don't do paperwork." Rick told them, his mind still on Kate.
"Yeah, that'd be right." Ryan grumbled.
"I'll see you guys in a couple of days then. If Beckett's not here, not much point me coming in."
"Okay, Castle. Have a good one."
"You too. Night guys."
Once Rick had left, the detectives shared another look.
"He is one lovesick puppy, bro." Esposito commented.
"I think it's sweet. Hey how much you wanna bet he won't be able to stay away from her tomorrow?"
"How much you wanna bet he gets his ass kicked for bugging her?"
"Mmm good point."
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Kate woke at just before six am on the morning of her mother's birthday, despite her alarm not being set. For the first time in ages she fought against her usual instinct to drag herself out of bed and into the shower, and instead pulled the covers over her head and went back to sleep.
It was much lighter when Kate awoke the second time. A glance at the clock on her bedside table told her it was nearer to eight; her body had obviously needed the rest. She got up, showered and dressed at a slower pace than normal as there was no great rush. Her outfit consisted of black jeans, sneakers, and a grey v-neck sweater with a white camisole underneath. Johanna Beckett's ring took pride of place on the chain around her daughter's neck, while her husband's watch sat on Kate's wrist – both items carrying more significant meanings today.
The walk to the flower store gave Kate a chance to ready herself for the meeting with her father, which had become a tradition, an attempt to repair and strengthen the bond of their family in the wake of Johanna's death. The detective's relationship with her dad had suffered considerably; the closeness they had had when Kate was a child, and even during her more rebellious teens, had vanished the night a wife, a mother, had been snatched from their safe haven.
Jim Beckett's alcoholism had been another almost unbearable weight on top of the grief father and daughter both carried, with the heaviest burden falling solely on Kate's shoulders. Over time, he had conquered his demons and, with his little girl's help, managed to deal with his loss. He had come to terms with it. Kate however, had not. She still carried it with her every day, just like the ring around her neck. It was both a comfort and a curse. The presence of her mother's ring was a reminder of the events of that night, of the tragedy that had almost destroyed their family. But it was also the physical manifestation of a promise that one day justice would be granted.
On days like today, where reminders of the past were all too present, Kate clung to the tiny object in her hand, the connection to her mother, as she tried to stay in the light and not get lost in the dark.
Only when she stepped inside the flower store did Kate relinquish the hold she had on the ring, her hand dropping to her side as the necklace held it safe against her chest. They had only just opened up for the day, and Kate wandered up and down the displays, taking in all the varieties and colours and scents customers were bombarded with. She paused beside the Violets, stroking one of the soft petals with her fingertip. They always made her think of the singing flowers in Alice in Wonderland. Her mother liked their deep shade of purple; Kate thought they had a slight melancholy feeling, but she supposed that was appropriate for the occasion.
"Can I help you with anything?"
Kate looked round at the store owner, an older woman with grey-blonde hair, wearing a green apron and a kind smile.
"Yes, I need some flowers for my, my mom." She hesitated for only a second, swallowing down a sudden wave of emotion. Kate pointed out her choices, and the woman complimented her selections as she assembled a bouquet. Knowing her mother's favourites, Kate picked Carnations and Coral Roses to go with the Violets, and the store owner finished it off with a simple purple ribbon to secure the stems.
"I'm sure your mom will love them." Kate returned the woman's smile and thanked her as she paid and left, the flowers in her hand. There was a coffee shop next door where Kate bought a latte and bearclaw to go, which she sipped and nibbled in the cab.
When the taxi pulled up just down from the cemetery, Kate exited with the bouquet in one hand and her empty breakfast things in the other. A trash can took care of the latter, leaving just the flowers. Kate paused at the entrance and took a deep breath, not unlike the moment of reflection she had upon entering each and every crime scene she had ever worked. It helped to steel her nerves and calm her racing heart.
Despite this, the detective's hazel eyes were wet as she approached her mother's grave.
"Hi mom." Kate whispered, sitting cross-legged before Johanna's headstone. She traced the carved 'J' with her fingers, feeling a tear slide down her cheek and drop into the grass. Sitting back, she carefully laid the flowers she had brought against the stone, a splash of warmth and colour in a sea of grey.
"Happy birthday."
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It was just after one when Kate knocked on her dad's door. She didn't need to be a detective to tell he'd been crying, but she said nothing except a quiet "Hey dad" before she stepped into the hallway and he wrapped his arms around her.
"Hey Katie."
Jim Beckett led the way into the small kitchen-diner and Kate was pleased to see the traditional spread of food on the wooden table by the window.
"Tea? Or juice?" Jim called from behind the open door of the refrigerator. "I expect you've had your caffeine fix already this morning."
"Tea's fine dad, thanks." Kate replied, rolling her eyes at her father.
After the lunch had been finished (or rather nibbled at – neither of them had much of an appetite today) Jim brought over two cupcakes decorated with violet icing and a candle in each.
"I don't know what your mother would say if she saw us eating tiny cupcakes instead of huge slice of birthday cake."
Kate laughed.
"Although she was always the better cook, I think it's probably safer that way."
"These aren't home-made then I take it?" Kate questioned. "So they are actually fit for human consumption?"
"Whatever happened to respecting your elders young lady?!" They shared a laugh, Jim reaching across the table for his daughter's hand. "I put on this impressive spread didn't I? Well, I unwrapped and displayed everything brilliantly, and that's what's important." He squeezed Kate's hand, glad to make her smile.
"At least you admit it. Remember when that colleague of mom's from work gave her those muffins for her birthday, pretending that she'd spent all the previous afternoon baking them-"
"-And then Jo found the price sticker at the bottom of the basket!"
"Luckily mom did see the funny side."
"She was the best cook, she could have made them with her eyes closed." Father and daughter had smiles on their faces as they shared happy memories of Johanna Beckett. Doing this, making an effort to reconnect with her father was especially important for Kate, as the darker memories were the ones in the forefront of her mind, more often than not.
They worked together to clear up the kitchen before moving to the couch where Jim had pulled out a couple of old photos albums and boxes of baby pictures. It was getting dark when Kate checked her watch. She helped her dad tidy away the photos scattered across the coffee table and the surrounding carpet, and hugged him goodbye, a handful of photographs clutched in her fingers that he insisted she take with her, to add to the slowly growing collection at her place.
"Take care Katie. Love you so much."
"Love you too, dad. Bye."
"Bye honey."
Kate watched her dad's waving hand in her mirror as she drove away. She knew her mother would have been happy to see Kate and her dad spending time together. Her job made getting time to herself tricky anyway, and things with her father had taken a good few years to get nearly back to normal. But they were still a family, and being alone on days like today was unhealthy for both of them.
She made good time back to her apartment, and was soon settling down on her couch with a couple of blankets – perfect for snuggling – a takeout menu for her favourite Italian place, and a stack of Temptation Lane DVDs. The episode selection was on the screen waiting for her choice as Kate poured herself a glass of red wine.
A knock at the door startled her. Somewhat reluctantly, Kate got up to answer it. Checking the peephole she saw that it was Josh. Kate mentally groaned, immediately feeling like a horrible person for not being pleased to see her gorgeous, motorbike-riding, life-saving boyfriend.
She schooled her features into some semblance of a smile before opening the door for him.
"Hi."
"Hey babe." Josh walked inside, kissing her cheek in passing. He obviously hadn't noticed the redness around her eyes as he didn't say anything.
"I thought you were on shift tonight." He normally was.
"Yeah well you said you were taking today off work so I thought we could do something tonight, maybe go out." In her head, Kate groaned again, louder. She did remember now mentioning it to Josh the previous week, but she'd definitely told him it was her mom's birthday and that she'd be out at her dad's most of the day.
"I'm really tired, Josh." Kate explained. "I was planning on just ordering in and watching a DVD."
Josh glanced towards the TV where the Temptation Lane banner was splashed across the middle of the screen.
"Not that crap show?!"
Kate felt her insides clench. Josh had never hidden his disdain for that particular show, and Kate had never had the desire to try and explain the significance of it for her as a form of comfort.
"Seriously Kate, I took the evening off work so we could do something, you know, go out, have a few drinks, go to a club... and you want to stay in and watch some crap soap opera?"
A weaker person than Kate Beckett would have burst into tears at that point, and Kate did come close, but she managed to hold it inside. She wasn't in the mood to argue with Josh, not today.
"I'm sorry, I just don't feel up to it tonight. You know today's not exactly easy for me and I'm just not feeling very sociable right now."
"I get that it's a hard day for you Kate, I do, but I just thought it would be nice for us to do something together. I thought you might want to take your mind off everything. I took off work especially because I was thinking about you."
"I appreciate that but, you didn't actually tell me you weren't going to be on shift. You normally are, I just assumed today would be no different."
"I did tell you, Kate. I told you a couple of days ago. You've got a lot on your mind at the moment, you obviously forgot."
Kate shook her head, looking down at the wooden floor between them. She was positive he hadn't ever mentioned it, but she really did not want to get into a fight with Josh, so she let it go.
"I'm sorry Josh but it's not gonna happen tonight. Maybe we can do something next week. You're welcome to stay and watch with me." Kate knew he wouldn't be interested in doing that.
"Sorry Kate but I'm not gonna spend my first night off in weeks watching some dumb TV show." Josh said, although he didn't sound very sorry at all. "Some of the guys from work were going out so I think I'll meet up with them." He moved to the door. "I'll call you, okay?" Kate just nodded mutely, glad that he was going and wondering for the hundredth time why they were even together.
It was only once she'd shut and locked the door behind her boyfriend, did Kate feel tears start in her eyes. Josh had conveyed less sympathy and care in the last ten minutes of conversation (argument) than Castle had in the three words her partner had spoken to her before she left the precinct. Take care, Kate.
She sunk back down into the couch, feeling the wetness of tears on her face. The sound of the door shutting behind Josh echoed again and again around her empty apartment. It wasn't until that moment that the grief Kate had kept contained all day finally broke to the surface; the weight of her mother's absence weighing heavily on her chest, crushing her. It was becoming more difficult to breathe. She didn't have the strength to fight the tears any more. A sob broke free between her ragged breaths and Kate buried her face in the couch cushions. This, here, right now was the most alone she had felt all day. Her mother was gone and she was never coming back. Her boyfriend – the man who was supposed to stand by here, to support her – had just walked out on her, content to spend the evening drinking with friends and leaving his girlfriend at home on her own on her dead mother's birthday.
Maybe she'd been right to keep one foot out the door. Just in case. Well this was the reason, right here. If he'd cared about her – really cared – he would have stayed. He wouldn't have minded that he'd taken off work especially and that he'd been hoping to go out. If he was a nice guy he would have sucked it up and watched a crappy TV show if it made his girlfriend happy. And maybe he'd have asked how her day had been and how her dad was and why she loved that crappy TV show quite so much. And maybe if he'd done all those things, Kate would have opened up to him a little more, told him about her mother's death actually being a murder.
But Josh didn't do or say any of those things. He'd called her a liar and dull, in so many words, and walked away. She sat up, wiping the tears from her cheeks. What the hell was she thinking? Josh was a jerk. A complete and utter jerk. And a waste of her time, and of her tears, and of her heart. Kate almost smiled when she pictured her mother's face at this realization; Johanna slowly shaking her head from side to side, four of her favorite words on her lips. I told you so.
A soft knock on her door brought Kate out of her reverie. She wiped the tears away as best she could, taking a couple of deep breaths to let the swell of emotion diminish a little.
Before Kate's hand could even touch the door knob, she knew whose face would greet her on the other side; her annoying, childish, pigtail-pulling, coffee-bringing, fun, sweet, caring, ruggedly handsome shadow. And unlike the awkward, not-particularly-pleasant feeling Josh's arrival had caused, this time, the detective was glad to find a familiar face on the other side of the door. Rick Castle always seemed to know what to do or say to distract her from her worries or to lighten the mood or to make her feel safe and loved. Love.
Reaffirming her decision to end things with Josh face-to-face at the earliest possible opportunity, Kate opened the door for her partner.
The look on his face told her that the signs of her tears were the first thing he had noticed; Castle smiled sympathetically, but not in a way that made her feel pathetic.
"Hey." Kate said softly, a little embarrassed by the emotion she knew he could hear in her voice.
"Hey." Rick studied her face for a moment. Her hazel eyes were ringed with red and her cheeks were still shining with tears.
The compassion in his blue eyes held Kate frozen to the spot for several seconds. Yet another teardrop escaped from her lashes and navigated a straight path downwards, heading for her lips. She wiped it away with her sleeve, Castle's gaze still on her; there was no point trying to hide it from him.
"Want to come in?"
"You sure I'm not intruding?"
"No, course not." Kate moved aside to let him pass, locking the door behind him. She stood and watched at Rick eventually shed his coat, laying it across the back of one of the stools that sat at the kitchen bar. He had dropped a bag on the counter; the logo told her it was from Marco's, their usual Italian place.
"Where's Josh? Working?" Rick's tone was casual but Kate knew he was eager to know what was going on between her and Motorcycle Boy.
"Umm no, he, he was here but he went out with some guys from the hospital."
"He didn't stay with you?" He asked, then caught himself and his voice was quieter as he explained. "The boys told me about today being..."
"My mom's birthday."
"Yeah. So what have you got planned?"
Kate smiled and gestured towards the stack of DVDs on the coffee table.
"Ah, Temptation Lane. Nice." Castle nodded appreciatively. Kate flashed back to Josh's dismissive tone earlier.
"Yeah..." She smiled again but this one was full of sadness. "Josh didn't think so." Her eyes dropped to the floor as she wrapped her arms around her middle. Kate Beckett did not feel sorry for herself.
Castle moved closer to her. "What d'you mean?"
"He's meant to be on shift tonight like he is every week and he never told me he wasn't working and he... he didn't want to waste his night off watching some stupid TV show." She smiled sadly again as she met his eyes. It sounded pathetic to her ears, and the fresh tears blurring her vision only made the whole situation worse.
Kate swiped at the wetness desperately, half-turning away from Castle but he had stepped closer still and caught her arm.
"Oh Kate, I'm sorry." He stroked down her forearm until he could link his fingers to hers, pressing their palms together. She shrugged.
"He's not worth it." She sniffed. "Just feel stupid that it took me this long to see it."
"You deserve better than him." Rick told her, brushing more tears away. Kate tried to escape but he held her firm. Once she'd met his eyes once more he said, deadly serious: "I never liked him." He smiled when she laughed, and his heart skipped when she made no protest as he encircled her in his arms.
Rick knew the story behind Temptation Lane; nine year old Kate Beckett having to get her tonsils taken out... her being miserable... Johanna taking time off work to stay with her little girl, cuddling up on the couch watching it... the feeling of home and safe. It was no wonder the TV show was a connection to her mother, happy memories of family and being cared for and loved. Kate was already vulnerable – today being a stark reminder of everything she had lost – and then to have Josh come in and trash her safe haven, Kate's small, protective cocoon... the idea made Castle want to punch him. The man may be a doctor but he was clearly a complete idiot. He was with the most extraordinary woman and yet he treated her like garbage. Anything Kate asked of him, anything at all – Castle would do. Literally anything. That's what love was. And aside from the fact that Rick would be perfectly content to watch Temptation Lane anytime (he did have far worse taste in television than she did), even without knowing the significance it held of good times spent with her mom, he would have watched it – all night is she wanted – simply because Kate had asked him to.
"You give the best hugs." Kate told him quietly, bringing him out of his thoughts about the numerous ways he'd like to punch some sense into idiotic Motorcycle Boy and trying to pinpoint when exactly he had realized the feeling between Kate and himself was love. He squeezed his partner a little tighter.
"Well you're very easy to hug."
"You calling me easy?"
"No! No, I just meant..." Castle pulled back to look at her face. She was teasing, of course, but he felt the need to explain anyway. "I think we fit quite well together... particularly when you're not wearing your ridiculously high heels making you as tall as me, so, like now, you fit... as in you're the perfect height for me to just..." He trailed off, wrapping his arms securely around her body again to demonstrate – his left around her back and his right around her shoulders, his hand curling round the back of her neck, fingers getting lost in her hair. Kate exhaled against his chest.
"I'm really glad you're here, Castle." She said after a moment. They parted, but Rick held on to her hand.
"You sure I'm not intruding? I can go if you want me to."
"You wouldn't be, I mean you're not. Intruding. It would be nice if you stayed." Kate smiled shyly, stroking her thumb across the back of his hand. He smiled back.
"Have you eaten?"
"I was just about to order pizza or something."
"Well it's not pizza but it is from Marco's." He moved over to the bar and began rummaging in the bag he'd left there. "I got your favourite – well, both your favourites, I didn't know what you'd feel like. You can pick or we can share both, whatever you want. And I bought ice cream – double chocolate and caramel, your favourite." He looked up from the counter where he'd laid everything out, searching her face, hoping he'd chosen the right things. Castle knew she loved Chinese too, but his instinct had made him go with Italian. Kate's wide smile told him everything he needed to know.
"Thank you Rick, that's really sweet." She wrapped her arms around his neck this time, and his fell naturally to her waist. "How is it that you always know just what to do and say to make things better?"
"Because I know you, Kate. Cos we're partners. That means I'm always here for you, whatever you need: dinner, ice cream, distraction, inappropriate jokes at crime scenes, someone to talk to, a hand to hold, first class hugs... the whole world, anything you want – I'm your man."
"Yes you are." Kate covered his cheek with her hand, meeting his eyes before touching her lips softly to the corner of his mouth.
As much as Castle wanted to ravish her right there, up against her kitchen counter – she was vulnerable and grieving, and technically she was still with Josh. So he contained himself, simply sweeping across her lips with the pad of his thumb, then wiping away the wetness on her cheeks.
They broke apart only to put the ice cream away, to grab the containers of pasta, cutlery and glasses of wine and move to the couch. Kate curled up between the arm rest and Castle, the blanket over both of them, their dinner on their laps and Temptation Lane playing on the TV. After the pasta and then the ice cream had been devoured, Kate cuddled up with Rick, warm and cosy underneath the covers, the sounds of the TV show, Rick's hand playing with her hair, the familiar scent of him, his even breathing and the steady rhythm of his heart lulling her to sleep.
And that night, asleep on the couch with Rick Castle, the two of them curled together was the first time since her mother had been alive that Kate felt again those feelings of home and safe, and she realised that even though she was the one with the gun, Rick always made her feel safe, and that being with him, wherever they were, felt like home.