DISCLAIMER: I own no one, I own nothing.

A/N—This was originally written around the end of 2003 through mid-2004. That's why a lot of the people mentioned in this story don't work for WWE anymore.

Setting is in New York, NY

(Scene starts inside the arena's backstage lounge, where the wrestlers are all talking amongst themselves. Suddenly, Eric Bischoff enters the room.)

Eric says, "Ok, Ok, quiet everybody. I called this meeting to discuss a very important issue. Mr. McMahon has appointed me to oversee the retrieval of a couple of very special items. He mentioned that he needs ten volunteers to drive down to Miami for the "retrieval" of these items, and by "retrieval", I mean purchase. Any takers?"

Albert replies, "Yeah, I'll go! (He quickly glances around the room and...)--and Spike, yeah you, you're coming with me!"

Spike, with a worried expression, says, "Hold on, what if I didn't—"

Albert cuts him off, "Shaddup, you're coming with me--and YOU'RE drivin'!"

Spike gulps, and hangs his head while Molly and Stacy giggle to each other.

Stacy whispers to Molly, "What'd you EVER see in him?"

Molly, still giggling a little while shrugging, says, "I honestly don't know."

Eric, looking around, asks, "Ok, anyone else?"

HHH replies, "Yeah, me and the boys, we'll go too."

Flair speaks up, "Hey, champ, can I bring my Hoverround? Y'know ol' naitch has to stay off his feet, WOOOOO!"

HHH furrows his brow and asks, "You mean that wheelchair-lookin' thing I see you crashing into stuff with that has the joystick thingie for a steering component? No way, we'll take the limo."

Cowboy Bob III replies, "--Oh, hey H, I meant to tell ya'--I took the limo to a shop to have it serviced this morning."

HHH asks, "What?!, What the hell's wrong with the limo?"

Cowboy Bob III answers, "Well, I had taken the limo to the mall so's I could get some Aquafina and pudding. When I got my things, I went to start up the limo and the 'check engine' light popped on.
So, I had to get it towed. It was humiliating, when people finally figured out who I was, this one hot chick walked up and asked me to take a picture with her. I, of course, obliged. And, again, I went to start up the limo and...nothing. Champ, you shoulda' SEEN it--everybody was laughing and I forgot my cellphone. The chick's boyfriend was the only one with a cellphone and he started a game of 'keep-away from Randy' with his buddies."

HHH angrily says, "I don't give a damn about that crap!! Why did you even take--y'know what, nevermind. Eric, we'll make it come hell or high water because I AM the GAME."

Eric asks, "Ooooohkaaay, anyone else?"

RVD speaks up, "Yeah, Eric I'll go too."

Eric nods and says, "All right, Rob. Who else, now?"

Lita raises her hand and says, "I'll go too. Hey Matt, you mind if I go with Rob?"

Matt shrugs and says, "I don't care, why should you ask me, anyway? I have no stroke, no influence, despite how long I've worked here. Look Lita, the story has it that they have you having Kane's baby. Why not MINE, like I asked, huh? Take a look at this evening's card, Lita. (He stands up to show her) Look at the opening match, dammit, LOOK AT IT!!

Lita, trying hard not to burst out laughing, asks, "Okay, what's wrong?"

Matt rolls his eyes and asks, "I KNOW you didn't just ask me that! They have me losing to Fifi the poodle!, YES FUCKIN' FIFI!"

(At this point, the entire roster breaks out in hysterical laughter.)

Matt yells, "SHUT UP, ALL OF YOU! That's the damn problem with this place, I don't get any goddamn respect!"

(Lita is literally in tears from laughing so hard, as is HHH.)

Eric, attempting to calm down and be as business-like as possible, mentions, "Well, Matt, I'm kinda' glad this came up, y'know?"

Matt turns around and asks, "Huh?"

(HHH and Flair smirk at Eric, as if they know what he's about to say.)

Eric continues, "Y'see Matt, there's a reason you're losing to Fifi tonight."

Matt, looking skeptically at Eric, replies, "Ooooohkaaaay, go on."

Eric, glancing at HHH and Flair, and HHH nods as if to say 'go ahead, replies, "Yeah, there's gonna be yet another avenue in this angle, where it's discovered that even Kane might not be the father of Lita's baby, but…Fifi might have fathered the child. I'll let HHH come out and announce that there'll be a triple-threat match for parental rights of the unborn child of Lita. It'll be the first ever "Baby Daddy ladder match", where the paternity test results are hoisted high above the ring, and the first person--well, participant, to yank the papers down will be the first ever WWE baby daddy."

Matt exclaims, "Oh I don't fuckin' BELIEVE this!"

Eric nods and says, "Ummmm, yeah Vince also added a stipulation that this "title" can be defended."

(Some snickering can be heard amongst the group)

Matt asks, "Wait, wait, you mean to tell me that I could lose these "parental rights" if I were to gain this "title" and someone were to defeat me in a match FOR these "rights"?, Is that what you're sayin' to me?"

Eric nods and says, "Yeah, for instance, if, say...Fit Finlay decided to just come out of retirement and wanted to earn another title, he can challenge for this one. If he won, he'd then be Lita's baby daddy."

Torrie raises her hand and asks, "Hey Eric, what if a woman wants to challenge?"

Eric points out, "Ah, yes. Vince prides himself on being open-minded, so if a woman were to win this title, then she'd be Lita's baby momma'. Oh, and one more thing, this title will replace the now-defunct hardcore title. And, of course, it'll be defended under the same rules as the hardcore title, 24-7 and anywhere in the country."

(Everyone starts laughing harder than before and as the laughter dies down, a toilet flushes in the background. Out of the bathroom comes the Big Show.)

Show, clueless as to what's going on, asks, "What'd I miss?"

(Everyone starts laughing AGAIN)

HHH says, "Y'know, it's funny and quite symbolic at the same time. (still laughing a little)--When I heard that flushing, I coulda' sworn that was Matt's career, HAHAHAAAAA!"

Matt, glaring at Lita as she's laughing with her hand covering her mouth, asks, "What are you laughing at, YOU'RE in the angle TOO!"

Lita says, "I know, I know, I should probably quit laughing, but the expression on your face was fuckin' PRICELESS, dude!"

(Yup, roster is still laughing as Matt just storms out of the room)

Eric, finally calming down, says, "Okay, seriously, guys--who else is gonna' step up?, We need two more people."

Tazz says, "Hey Eric, I'll go!"

Eric, a bit surprised, asks, "YOU?"

Tazz relies, "Yeah, me! Hey Show, wanna' come along?"

Show nods and says, "Sure, I gots' time. I'm "injured" remember?"

Tazz smirks and says, "Haha, yeah."

Eric nods and says,"Ok then, so that's everybody. I'll go tell Vince who's going--Oh, people, Vince said there's a reward for achieving this goal the fastest, ok?"

Batista asks, "What kind of reward? A spot in the main event?"

HHH, glaring at Batista, exclaims, "NO! (suddenly calming down) It's-It's a chance to be the GM for one RAW."

RVD raises his hand, "Hey Eric, like, I have a question."

Eric nods, "Go ahead, Rob."

RVD asks, "Yeah, just what IS it that Mr. McMahon wants us to purchase?"

Eric replies, "I'm sorry, I failed to mention that. Mr. McMahon wants to purchase the latest edition of "Huge Jugs" and a 40 of Budweiser."

RVD, with a confused expression asks, "Well, couldn't he just get that here?"

Eric says, "Well Rob, he gave an explanation. That being there's a certain convenience store that, as he puts it, "always has the latest issues and the beer always has a 'special taste'"."

RVD nods his head slowly, never taking his eyes off of Eric.

Eric raises his eyebrows and asks, "Any more questions? (looking around the room) Okay, if there are no more questions, you guys and gal' better get movin'."

Cowboy Bob III turns to Flair as they exit the room. He says, "I can't believe Vince wants us to purchase beer and porn for him. What, is he too 'high profile' to do it himself?"

Flair replies calmly, "Randy, Randy, look--Vince does this once every year on this exact day. I don't know why, but he does. When I was here back in '92, I had to go get his usual beer and porn, but my partner was Hellwig--er, Warrior."

Cowboy Bob III answers, "Wow, I bet THAT was interesting?"

Flair smirks and says, "Hah, wait'll I tell you about the time he got us kicked out of Red Lobster for him INSISTING that they play his entrance music when he enters the restaurant.--Randy, can you say emabarrassment? Geez, the guy was a nutcase."

(Randy just shrugs and they exit the room)

HHH mentions, "Oh yeah, Hebner, you're coming with us, got it?"

Hebner replies, "Ok champ, the uuh, same routine as the mall?"

"Yup."

Author's note: Well that's it for chapter 1 in this...saga. Please review, thanks.