I looked up into Jackson's eyes. His smooth skin, with a bit of freckles, his newly cut blonde hair, and the smell of axe that radiated off him and filled my nostrils. I stared at him hungrily, trying to memorize his face and not think about what was to come. His lips were in a half-smile with their semi-crookedness that I had come to know over the past year and a half.
The sun was setting behind his head making him seem aglow with various shades of pink, red, and orange. The sound of the waves gently caressing the sandy, deserted beach we occupied filled the everlasting silence. Both of his hands holding mine, his thumbs rubbing reassuring circles across my skin. His palms were a bit calloused form working at Rico's, which he had quit two weeks ago.
Trying to occupy my mind from the inevitable didn't last long. We came here for a reason; we had a goal. Thinking about it would break my heart. But, Jackson had been accepted to the University of Iowa with a full academic scholarship. Who knew he was such a brainiac?
Suddenly and unexpectantly, Jackson started to blur in my vision. Figuring it was my contacts I blinked a few times, so I could look at his perfectly defined features once more. He sharpened and I was grateful I could memorize his face once more. Almost as suddenly he started to blur again. Frustrated, I blinked a few more times, only to have him clear for a few seconds. Damn contacts and their dry ways.
Jackson's face fell a bit, and he started to look sad. He let go of my left hand and I felt his fingers brush on my arm on its way to my face. Touching my cheek gently, he ran his fingers from the left of my nose, to the left side of the corner of my lips. I parted my mouth slightly, and closed it again when he took his fingers away. Putting my lips together I tasted something unnatural. It was salty and watered down. Oh. I was crying.
Not wanting to be the reason for Jackson's sadness, I lifted my still free left hand and wiped away a few of my tears with the back of my hand. It was a huge difference from the feel of Jackson's palms, it wasn't nearly as comforting. Luckily there weren't as many tears as I had feared-only about two on each cheek. Sniffling I wiped my hands on my jean Capri's and kept looking into Jackson's eyes. I managed a small smile just for him, but keeping it there proved to be more than difficult.
Parting his mouth, I knew he was about to speak before he even did. "Lilly…" he said in the soft way that sent shivers up my spine.
Gaining unbelievable amounts of confidence, I lifted my free hand. Putting my index finger to his partly open soft luscious lips, I shook my head a few inches to each side. I wouldn't let my eyes leave him; I refused to do so.
He stood still, and I saw and felt him smile partly in understanding. I didn't want to ruin this moment quite yet. Talking would surely bring this moment to an end, which I wouldn't be able to face in the middle of the night for many months to come. I knew I would regret it if I didn't suck out every spare second of my last night with Jackson. I wish it would last forever. Just staring at his face for all eternity.
This wouldn't last forever though. I slowly dropped my hand from his lips and rested it lightly on his shoulder. I felt him let go of my right hand and he took a step closer to me. He rested his right hand on my waist; his eyes also never left my face.
'Maybe he's doing the same thing I am,' I thought in the back of my mind. That was possible.
I felt his left hand brush my side. He took his left hand off of my waist and brought it back down to my hand. Wrapping his fingers around my palm, he lifted my arm and rested it on his other shoulder. Replacing his arm around my waist, he put his other arm on my back which brought us even closer together.
Still staring into his eyes, I watched as he leaned forward and dropped his gaze to my lips. I tilted my head a fraction of an inch to the right as he did. Our noses brushed lightly, and with my eyes still open I felt his soft lips on mine.
We lingered there. Just keeping our lips touching. I'm not even sure it could count as kissing because all we did was put our lips together. I finally closed my eyes, wanting to savor the feel of his lips on mine.
I felt his arm on my left side slide up and his hand rested on my shoulder. He pulled away and I opened my eyes abruptly- he took longer to open his.
'Gosh, he is so cute,' I thought as I watched his cheeks turn a little pink when he saw me scrutinizing his face. 'I'm going to miss that.'
A familiar lump made its way to my throat. I felt tears form back into my eyes. I tried to blink them away, and I broke my gaze away from Jackson to look up at the pink sky. My breathing became a little ragged, and when I tried to sigh my breath kept getting caught and it was all I could do not to start crying.
'Sally sue is my poo, I like to treacle trickle. Never ever say you weaver la de dad a do do. It's a beautiful morning. Tu madre es loca. I LOVE ROCK AND ROLL. Oliver 'tis a doughnut. Yes he 'tis. HANNAH MONTANA!!! Lola and Mike and Hannah and Tracey and Mikala whom I hate," I kept dragging my thoughts further away, and it worked. I knew there were no longer tears gathering in my eyes. Presuming it was safe, I looked back to Jackson. Now there were tears in his eyes.
Tears gathered back in mine. There was no way I could see him tear up and not cry myself. The wetness on my cheeks announced the arrival of my tears before his were out of his eyes. I watched him blink out of blurry eyes and saw tears on his cheeks now. Our moment was over.
"Oh Jackson!" I cried and pushed myself into him, connecting my arms around his neck. He wrapped both his arms around my back and pushed me into him. He didn't even bother to try and comfort me this time, I was glad, because the way he held me now made me think he would never let go. Which I liked the idea of.
We squeezed each other tighter and I felt him lift his head back a little bit. I felt his lips on my cheek for a few seconds before he pushed himself back into me. This boy was crying over me. I had never made a boy cry before… unless you count Oliver, which I don't.
I forced out a tiny giggle thinking of the time in my kitchen with Oliver. I always made the best pop-tarts he told me. That day though, I burned his. After I switched mine and his he cried because I would eat a burnt pop tart for him. He is such a baby.
Jackson must have felt me laugh because he slowly started to pull away. The tears were gone from his eyes and he had a look of amusement on his face.
"Oliver?" he asked. It was like he could read my mind.
"It's like we're one person," I said and, with my arms still around his neck I pulled his head towards mine. Our lips touched and it was like a fire raging through me. Closing my eyes, I felt his arms go around my back and push me into him. I pushed his head harder into mine and I opened my mouth the same time he did. We closed our mouths again and kept up a steady pace of kissing. My breath became ragged and my heart seemed about to burst by the time he put his tongue in my mouth. The fire seemed to burn with the intensity of the sun that was barely visible, as we explored each other's familiar mouths. I felt me hands twist in his hair, and he lifted me up onto him. I wrapped my legs around his waist, and felt his muscles tighten with the strain of holding me.
We stayed like that for about five minutes, until I could barely breathe. We stopped kissing and he, obviously could tell I couldn't breathe and I unwrapped my legs as he gently set me back down on the ground… where I collapsed.
That's right, he put me down and I felt my legs turn to jell-o so I just… fell down. So, there I sat; cross legged and wondering what the hell just happened when Jackson plops down in front of me. At first, I thought he had fallen too, but he starts laughing. Really. He is rolling around on the sand, holding his tummy and there is no sound coming out. He is just shaking and occasionally gasping for air. I take that as my chance to wipe my mouth off.
When he finally settles down he looks at me to find me with my arms crossed and scowling at him. This makes him smile for some odd reason and he reaches out a hand to put on my knee.
"Sorry," he says, looking into my eyes and my expression can't help but soften. "I must be a hell of a kisser though." I smile, uncross my arms, put my hands on his face, and touch my lips to his pulling away quickly.
"Eh," I said shrugging. "I've had better." Looking at his crestfallen face I had to smile. "Kidding."
"UGH!" He said and I saw him scramble up a little, then he threw himself at me.
"EEP!" I screeched as I was thrown back into the sand. I felt, rather than saw, him on top of me. I felt him chuckle too as my hair was swept away from my face. Seeing his face in place of my hair, let me tell you, was an improvement. I smiled at him as he put his lips on mine for a second.
"Lills," he said seriously and I felt my smile waver. This might be it.
"Jacks," I said and tried not to smile at my odd mimicking tone and nickname.
He smiled at it though. "Lillian Truscott," he said instead. Before I could say his name he put a finger to my mouth. "I am completely, totally, and unstoppably in love with you. This past year with you has been better than I could have ever imagined. You are funny, smart, and the best kisser I have ever known. The prettiest girl in the world would have nothing on you. The impact you have had on my life and others around you in indescribable. You are a little ray of sunshine and you always brighten my day. Laughing with you, kissing you, holding your hand, it all gives me some kind of high, that I couldn't explain to anyone else. You bring out the best in me Lillian." His voice broke and I saw anguish in his eyes. "I'm going to miss you with all of my heart."
"Oh J-Jackson, I… you are my f-first love a-a-and-" Lilly gasped when she couldn't speak anymore. The tears were overpowering her words and they came in chocked shaking whispers. Sadly, he got off me when I started sobbing uncontrollably. Then I felt his arms wrap securely around me and he pulled me into a sitting position on his lap. I put my arms around him and dug my face into his chest as he held my shaking, pathetic, whimpering form. "I love you." I managed to say from his chest. He didn't say anything, just held me and rocked me slightly.
The tears started to burn as they ran down my cheeks, and my nose was so plugged up I couldn't breathe. I reluctantly pulled away and he released his hold on me. Reaching into his back pocket he pulled out a small plastic bag full of mini-tissues. He pulled one out and with me still on his lap, gave one to me to blow my nose. Jackson wiped away my tears and a few of his own with the same tissue as I did so.
"I love you too Lilly," he said looking into my eyes and smiling. This would have made me cry even more if my eyes weren't all dried up. Then, he plucked the tissue from my hand and shoved it into his back pocket. Luckily I was finished using it. He then kissed me, setting me onto the ground and laying somewhat on top of me. His tongue parted my lips and so began another kissing frenzy. I felt and heard him run out of breath before me and he pulled back with a look of pleasure on his face. "You are a fantastic kisser Lilly… I'm going to miss that." As soon as he caught his breathe his put his lips back on mine and I put my tongue to his lips right away. I felt his hands on my waist and a slight chill when the warm flesh of his hand touched my bare hp bone.
I didn't protest- but moaned. That could be the only way to describe the sound that exited the back of my throat. That must have egged him on, for I felt his hand slide up my right side tickling me every millimeter of the way. Before I knew what he was doing, Jackson cupped my breast (through my bra) and squeezed lightly. I kissed his more fiercely and let my hands slide under his shirt and push him harder into my chest and mouth.
That's when his hand slipped away, and he broke our kiss. This was as far as he would let me get, and I was slightly grateful for that. Mostly annoyed at the moment though. I didn't pull my hands away from under his shirt, so he pulled them out his self as he stood up.
Sadened, I took his offered hand to help me up and he gave me one short, hard, rough, peck on the lips before taking my hand in his and walking back in the direction of where he parked his car. "Do… do we have to leave?" I asked helplessly.
He stopped walking and turned me around to face him. "It will have to happen eventually, and it's quite dark outside." I hadn't even noticed the sun had set. Now that he mentioned it however, I saw we were bathed in the light of a full moon.
"I just don't want this night to end… I don't want you to leave, I don't want to say goodbye!"
"Oh Lills," he gave me a quick hug. "I don't want to have to do this. But, I do. I need to do this. Life will go on without me, as it will without you. We will find others that tickle our fancies. It is going to be so hard to get over you Lilly, but I'll have to. I'm leaving and you're staying. I will miss you so much."
"Jackson… I can't say goodbye."
"Then don't… this isn't the end of us Lilly, we will see each other again."
"But… we will be over."
"Our relationship as 'in love' will be yes. Our 'love' as friends won't change."
"How can you promise that?" I felt a few tears trickle down my cheeks.
"I can't. I can hope, and try and make it happen- It will take both of our cooperation though. Are you willing to try with all your might to remain friends Lilly?"
"How could I say now to that?" Lilly asked. "Of course I will… but it will be hard."
"Of course it will, and for awhile-impossible. How much I love you now will stand in the way for awhile. Though, over time, I will grow to see you as just friends- and I will be happy for you and whoever you choose to marry."
"I… am not sure if I can say the same."
"Right now," Jackson added. "Just wait, time heals all wounds Lilly. Remember that." He started leading us back to his car.
"Jackson?"
"Hmm?"
"Would you mind if I… didn't show up when you leave?"
"Lilly… I didn't really expect to see you again after tonight," Jackson sighed. "I was trying to make the best of it and tell you everything on my mind. How much I'm going to miss you…"
Lilly didn't know what to say so she just let him lead her back to his car- it was the only one left in the parking lot now. He opened the door to my seat before taking me in his arms and giving me one last, long, soft kiss. Then, he made his way to his side of the car and hoped in.
The ride home was silent, neither bothering to turn the radio on. When Jackson pulled up to my house I thanked him for the ride and got out. He waited until I was inside to drive away, and though the window I watched his taillights fade down the street, then he turned a corner and vanished.
--
Lilly Truscott cried, sobbed, went into a deep bought of depression for about three weeks where she couldn't remember anything she did, and then she stopped. She got on with her life- hung out with all of her friends, and after two months she could go to Ricos' without feeling horrible inside. Of course, she hadn't gone on another date since her last one with Jackson… she thought she'd feel guilty.
Then, Christmas rolled around. He hadn't come home for Thanksgiving because of his studies, but he was coming for Christmas. Lilly visisted Miley every Christamas and she wasn't about to change that because Jackson was back in town. Christmas Day, she grabbed Miley's present and left the house.
When she got to Miley's her dad opened the door, let her in, and as she waited for Miley to come out of her room- she saw Jackson in the kitchen watching her. As soon as he noticed she was looking at him, he smiled and walked around the counter to see her.
"Hey Lilly," he said.
"Hi Jackson," she shifted the present in her hands to give him a one-armed hug. Then, Miley came downstairs and unwrapped her present (a silver bracelet with a single charm.). Lilly unwrapped hers and received a book mark (as she had been reading quite a lot lately), and a CD.
They thanked each other, hugged, and then Lilly had to go home to unwrap the presents from her mom. She bid them all farewell and went home without a single tear.
There was something final about seeing him, and she no longer felt guilty about dating other people. There were about three before Oliver and her kissed at the movies. Her heart was aflutter and she had no thoughts of Jackson whatsoever. He was her first love anyways, and Oliver was her second.
She never had to say goodbye to Oliver Oken, as they attened the same college, and got married. Jackson was standing a few groomsmen away from Oliver, as they were great friends.
Jackson never forgot, Lilly never forgot- they just put the past behind them, and remained friends as they knew they would.