It was Christmas at Barden and it was a chaos at the Bella's house. Cynthia Rose and Emily were fighting over which Christmas movie they should watch, Jessica and Ashley discussed eggnog tasted better and Amy and Flo argued about who sang the best Christmas song mashup. Beca, on the other hand, intended on spending the two"week holiday locked up in her bedroom making music; taking advantage of the empty space given the fact that Amy announced she'd be out somewhere with Bumper. She didn't specify where and Beca didn't bother to ask, honestly she didn't care as long as she had the room to her disposition. Besides, she expected almost all of the Bellas, if not all of them, to go to their respective parents' house for the holidays.
Stacie, on the other hand, planned on spending the holidays improving her seduction skills, those were the taller brunette's exact words when Emily had asked for her plans. Nobody asked further after her statement. No one dared to.
Both of the brunettes' plans shattered to pieces the moment Chloe decided that everyone should stay in Barden during the winter break. Beca had to hold back a grunt and pretend like she didn't care, because she didn't want it to look like she wanted to kick her friends out, but she really wanted to be left alone. While she was preparing herself to object to the redhead's statement, Emily beat her to it.
"Come on, Chloe! My whole family is expecting me to go home in two days! And nana's already started cooking dessert." She pouted. "I cannot call them now and tell them I won't be going. Pleaseeeee."
"I know some of you want to go see your parents but, you guys, we've lost so much synchronization among ourselves. We need to get it back before the annual competition. Otherwise we are going to make a fool out of ourselves once again." She said the last part glancing directly at Amy, but the blonde just shrugged it off.
"That was winning material." She said while taking a bite out of her dinner. "We got kicked out simply because the world is still so close-minded. I promise you, next time-"
"No" Chloe cut her off "there'll be no more of any of that. Once was enough." Before Amy could say anything else, Stacie chimed in.
"Can we please not talk about that while some of us are eating?"
"I second that." Cynthia Rose said. Amy put a hand against her chest and gasped, pretending to be offended. Chloe was starting to get visibly pissed so Beca interjected.
"Um, if I may" all looks turned her way "I think everyone should spend their holiday however they want to, right? I mean, we only get a break from college for a couple of weeks so I believe everyone should do with their free time whatever they want to. So what if Em want to visit her family? Let the child be."
"I'm sorry, Beca, but we cannot let her leave whenever she feels like it. When she joined the Bellas we made it pretty clear that she would have responsibilities." Chloe crossed her arms and stepped in front of Beca. The brunette tensed at the intense gaze on the redhead's eyes. "And she's an adult now. She should follow through with the Bellas vows."
Everyone had gone dead silence by now. They were looking at their captains like a child watches their parents argue. No one dared to say anything in fear that the rage would be thrown their way.
"The Bellas vows? Oh my god, Chlo! We're not married to each other. If she wants to go, then off she goes! Just like Ashley and Jessica, who have talked at least five times about the trip they have planned together, which I don't know if you've noticed because you've been so focused on the competition." Chloe frowned and Beca took this as a sign of vulnerability thus, suddenly feeling more confident, she took a step closer to Chloe.
"Well, I might have been a little distracted, but-"
"And what about Amy? Did she or did she not tell us she was going to spend the holidays with Bumper? I bet he will be so disappointed if she has to cancel the date last minute to be with us."
"Technically, it's not a-"
"Shut up, Amy!" Stacie angrily whispered to the blonde while she gave her a nudge with the elbow. "Moms are fighting."
"I'm sorry, but I don't want to look like the bad guy here, okay?" Chloe was losing confidence with every sentence Beca urged. "I'm just trying to-"
"Well, you are, dude! Everyone is dying to leave this chaos of a household if at least for a couple of days! You've been making it impossible for the last couple of months and it's become unbearable!"
Chloe gasped. Beca closed her eyes and ducked her head down. She didn't want to look at Chloe, knowing damn well that she'd only see sadness and pain in those blue eyes she had more than once found herself lost in. She hadn't meant to say that. Hell, she didn't even really think any of what she had said.
Truth is, Beca hadn't been sleeping much for the last couple of weeks. Ironically enough, she had been squeezing her brains out looking for the perfect present for the very same girl she had just practically spit in the face of. She was overwhelmed with homework, her internship and the fact that Jesse had broken up with her even before any of this nonsense happened. It had been rough at first, especially because she didn't want to tell anyone and she didn't quite understand why Jesse had dumped her. They had ended on a good note so she still considered him as some kind of a friend, and that's why she rang his doorbell four days after the breakup, wanting to know why. She still remembered it as if it had happened yesterday.
"Oh, Beca." Jesse said clearly surprised upon finding the short brunette frowning on his doorstep. "Wasn't expecting you."
"Why?"
"Why what?" The boy frowned.
"Why did you dump me out of the blue? I have to know." Beca started toying with the hem of her shirt and didn't dare to look up from her newly bought shoes.
"Come on in." Jesse nodded inside the house. "I'll make us tea."
Jesse went inside the house and Beca followed suit. He disappeared into the kitchen and she stayed awkwardly fumbling with her rings in the middle of the living room. He returned not long after with two cups of tea and offered one to the brunette. He then sat in the middle of the sofa. Beca tried to be as discrete as she could and took a seat as far from Jesse as possible. The boy did notice the action, though he decided not to comment on it.
"Well, I guess I'll go straight to the point." He said after taking a long gulp of his tea. "Beca, do you love me? Or, rather, did you love me while we were together?"
"Jesse, I don't underst-"
"Look," he put a hand up, not wanting to be rude and interrupt Beca but wanting instead to be clear "I honestly don't think you did." Beca looked at him. He didn't seem resentful or even hurt. He seemed… understanding? Jesse took another sip but Beca still remained silent. "I don't think you did…" he resumed "because I believe you were too occupied with something else." He looked pointedly at her, hoping she would start to catch on. But Beca was sometimes as dense as one can be, so she had no clue what Jesse was trying to get at.
"Um, maybe? But you know how it is when there are competitions coming up. Everyone back at the house is stressed and I have to make all the music arrangement basically all by myself and then the Bellas-"
"Beca, that's not what I was talking about." He had moved closer to her while she had been too focused on justifying herself that she didn't notice. He put a hand on top of Beca's and she had to physically fight the urge to remove her own. "What I meant to say, is that ever since we met, your attention has been directed towards someone else." He squeezed his hand in a reassuring manner and smiled compassionately at her. "Just think about it, yeah?"
"Jesse, I honestly have no idea-"
"I believe you should figure out the rest on your own. At your own pace." It was then that Beca's phone rang. Beca got it out of her pocket and looked at the ID on the screen. It was a text from Chloe asking her where she was and telling her she was worried because no one had heard anything from her during the whole day. Jesse saw who the text was from and he smiled mostly to himself.
"I should go." Beca said standing up. "The Bellas are waiting for me back at the house."
"Sure." Jesse also stoop up to walk Beca to the front door. As they started walking to the entrance, Jesse took notice of the fact that the girl didn't even take a sip from the drink. He felt slightly offended that she wouldn't have tasted the most exquisite British tea he could find at the supermarket, but he hoped the brunette would at least think thoroughly about what he had told her.
"And, Beca?" He shouted right before she got inside her car. "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love, and be loved in return." He doubted she had even seen Moulin Rouge, but he hoped she'd get the message. With one last smile and wave of hand, he watched her go.
The air was filled with tension in the Bella's house. Beca and Chloe seemed to be anchored to the ground and made of stone because neither of them moved a muscle. None of the other Bellas wanted to be the first one to speak up either, afraid they would release some sort of storm. Seconds felt like minutes and the longer Chloe stood still, the more Beca wanted to cry. She was about to make a move to leave but Chloe's broken voice made her feel like a ton of bricks had fallen on her.
"I'm sorry for being such a bitch to you, guys. You all can leave for the holidays if you want to. I won't hold anyone back. Merry Christmas." And with that, she went out the door.
Beca felt like screaming, crying and breaking down all at once. She had been hit by the worst pain she could ever imagine: Chloe's. The redhead's hurting was way harsher than anything Beca had ever felt on her own skin. It was as if someone had stuck a knife on her chest.
"I'm so sorry, Beca." It was Emily's soft words that brought Beca back to reality. "I didn't know it meant so much to Chloe that we were all together. Had I known, I would have declined mom's offer from the beginning, I didn't imagine-" She couldn't finish her sentence due to her tears cascading down her face.
The Bellas were quick to reassure her that this was in no way her fault. If anything, it was their own, everyone was taking the blame on themselves. They were whispering amongst one another and lamenting what happened. Beca, moreover, was still glued on her position. Her gaze was glassy and settled on some vases near the chimney. Upon seeing this, Amy got up from her spot and went to Beca.
"It was my fault." Beca whispered once she felt Amy's presence beside her. "I hurt her and she left because of what I said." Her voice got shakier with every word that slipped her lips. "I'm a terrible person."
"Hey, hey, don't say that." Amy took a step closer to her and put her hand on the brunette's shoulder. "We all wanted to leave. She got mad at all of us."
"No, she didn't!" Beca broke down crying. "She got mad at me, Amy! I was the one who insulted her without reason! God, I'm such a bitch."
"There's no reason to hate yourself, Beca." Cynthia Rose chimed in once she had managed to calm Emily down a little. "We should all take blame on this one."
"You. Just. Don't. Get it!" Beca's scream took them all by surprise. The brunette was not known for raising her voice at other people, like ever. "Chloe is my everything and now she thinks I hate her guts and I have no idea how to fix this."
And it was then when her brain made a click. Jesse's words came back to haunt her again. The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love, and be loved in return. The reason why Chloe's parting was so hurtful was because she loved her. She was in love with her. And she had screwed up big time.
"I'll go get her." Stacie said determined as she got her jacket from the hanger by the door. "I don't know where she went so it might be a while."
"I'll go with you." Emily got up from the sofa in one swift move and practically ran to the door where Stacie had already one foot out. The rest of the Bellas nodded.
"As for you, young lady" Amy said looking at Beca "why don't we clean yourself up a little and get a cup of tea?"
"You've been incredibly tense for days, girl." Cynthia Rose agreed.
Beca simply shrugged, for she had no fight left in her to decline the idea. Her friends carried her upstairs and wiped her smudged eyeliner the best they could while assuring her everything would be fine. Beca wasn't listening at all at what they were saying, she didn't care one bit. The only thing occupying her mind was the redhead. How had she been so absurdly oblivious this whole time to her own feelings? How did she not recognise the peaceful feeling that captured her every time she so much as glanced at Chloe? Every single time she had come to the house tired and ready to send her internship out the window the redhead had been there, calming her down and taking her tiredness away with just one smile. She had been the first one ever to believe that Beca could have a bright future, she made her realise that she was good at something other than unnerving people. Chloe made Beca's life so much easier and worth living. She made, Beca realised, every night feel like a Friday night. Chloe was passion and calmness all at once. She was warm and soft but could still cut you open with one of her looks if you ever so much as looked at Beca the wrong way. She was protective of the things and people she loved; that Beca found out not much longer after she met Chloe for the first time. She was fierce, yet loving. Demanding, yet understanding. She was sunsets and rainclouds. Chloe was everything Beca was afraid of letting herself want.
Beca didn't know how much time passed since Stacie and Emily had left in search for Chloe. It could have been minutes or hours. She didn't know and she didn't care. All she wanted was for Chloe to come back. Luckily soon enough, Beca was abruptly pulled back to reality when she heard the front door open and close with a loud thud. She got up so fast from the bed that she almost knocked Amy down. She went down the stairs in record time and was met by the puffy and red eyes of the woman she had found herself falling for over the last years but hadn't realised until recently.
When she was face to face with Chloe she was surprised to find herself completely speechless. A couple of seconds ago, her whole body ached to be near Chloe, and her brain was yelling lots of apologies at her ranging from a 'hey, sorry about before' to begging on her knees for the redhead's forgiveness. Yet, when she met Chloe's gaze she had no words. The taller woman's eyeliner was even more smudged than Beca's had been minutes prior, her hair was a complete mess and her clothes were all wrinkled. Still, Beca couldn't help but think this was the most beautiful woman she had even seen.
Stacie and Emily, who had been awkwardly standing by the door moved silently and slowly out of the room to give their captains a little privacy. Once they were out of sight, Beca started balancing on her toes and heels and playing with the hem of her sweatshirt.
"I'm glad you're back home." Beca realised then that this was the first time she had ever referred to the house the Bellas shared as a home.
"Yeah, Emily and Stacie practically dragged me back so" she didn't meet Beca's glance as she spoke "it's not like I had a saying."
Beca opened her mouth to speak but Chloe cut her off before she could say anything.
"Why, Beca?" Chloe looked directly into her eyes. "If I was such a burden for all of you, why didn't you guys tell me before? Especially you." She said the last part so softly than Beca almost didn't hear her. Almost.
"That's the thing, Chlo! You're not a burden! You've never been." Beca threw her hands in the air as if to prove a point. "You're the one who yells at us when we can't get the choreography right and impose rules, yes." She took a step closer. "But you're also the one who makes us forget we're far from home. Thanks to you, we have another family now." She took a deep breath and took Chloe's left hand. She brought it up until it was at chest level and ran her thumb along her palm. "A family that's more caring, and sweeter. And that doesn't force us to wear stupid Christmas themed sweaters." She wrinkled her nose to empathise her point and Chloe let out an involuntary chuckle. "My point is, Chlo, that I've spent the last minutes hating myself for saying those hurtful things to you. I want you to know that in no way did I mean what I said and that I do not think that of you."
A tear fell down Chloe's cheek but just as it reached her chin, the redhead shook her head and frowned, as if to dismiss a thought and removed her hand from Beca's. The brunette tried not to look too hurt by the action. Chloe took a sharp intake of breath and for the first broke eye contact with the brunette.
"You seemed pretty convinced back then, Beca."
"I wasn't! I didn't mean any of it, Chlo! You have to believe me!" Beca was starting to get desperate. "Please."
"I'm too tired for this. I'm going to bed." Chloe announced as she started to walk to the stairs.
"Wait!" Beca's plead made Chloe hesitate for a second. Beca used that to her advantage as she got in front of Chloe and blocked her from going any further up. "Wait right here." And with that, Beca ran so fast upstairs she was practically flying.
Not five minutes after, she was back with a red tiny notebook in her hands. She was panting hard but did her best to look as composed as she could.
"This" said Beca between intakes of breath "is my most precious belonging, yet at the same time, the thing I fear the most." That visibly caught Chloe's attention, but she tried to hide it behind a mask of disinterest.
"It's your notebook. I've seen it before." Chloe crossed her arms. "Why are you showing it to me? You never let anyone near it anyway."
"It's the place where I write the songs I'm too afraid to sing out loud. It's the place I write the stuff I'm too coward to read afterwards. It may look like a simple notebook, but it's actually kind of a look inside my mind." Beca felt so small and vulnerable as she tried to utter the words. Finally, she extended the notebook to Chloe. She was offering it to her.
"You're giving it to me?" Chloe couldn't hide her surprise and confusion anymore. She felt genuinely touched as she grabbed the small object.
"I've been looking for the perfect Christmas gift for you since October. I've been to a ton of shops and I've done a thousand of online orders which I've later returned because none of those things seemed enough. Not for you." Chloe was about to interject but Beca wasn't yet finished. "That's why I'm giving you the notebook. It's yours now. I'm… I mean, it's… it's a piece of…"
"It's you." Chloe finished for her. "You're giving me yourself."
Beca simply nodded. She hadn't originally meant for anyone to read that notebook. She only started writing it for herself, but as she thought more and more about it. What better gift to give someone than oneself? She was giving Chloe all of her thoughts, all of her joys and fears. She was scared to death, but as Chloe's eyes sparkled upon running her hands along the cover, all of Beca's fears dissipated. She felt safe.
Chloe opened the notebook and the first thing she saw was one simple sentence, written in black ink and in the middle of the page. It was small, enough that one would struggle to read it, but Chloe was used to Beca's writing from when she made notes on her music arrangements, so she had no trouble reading the sentence. For the redhead angel.
Chloe went through the pages one by one. She was mesmerized by all the things she read, from poems and paragraphs that resembled thoughts than would be written on a personal journal to songs that were composed for her. As she reached the final page Chloe realised it had been written last minute, for the ink was still fresh. As she read the final words "I'm in love with you, Chlo" it finally dawned on Chloe what that was all really about. That was a declaration of love if Chloe had ever seen one. Beca was fully giving herself to Chloe. Whether she was putting herself up for rejection or not, the brunette had no idea, but she convinced herself it was worth a try. When minutes passed and Chloe hadn't yet said anything Beca started to panic.
"Oh my god." Beca's eyes were open wide, realising now this had been a terrible idea and that she had destroyed the friendship they had built over the years. It was over. "I'm so sorry, Chlo. I didn't intend to make you feel uncomfortable. It's okay, we can pretend this never happened. Oh my god. I'm such an idiot. I shouldn't-"
Beca was cut off with Chloe's lips. The brunette recovered quickly from the surprise and returned the kiss, tasting as she kissed the redhead the salty tears that had started falling from her eyes.
"I hope you're crying because of all of my misspellings hurt your eyes and not because you feel sorry for me." Chloe fully laughed this time and grabbed Beca from behind her neck, bringing her lips back to the brunette's.
"You are such an idiot."
"Yeah" Beca said cheerfully as they parted for air. "But I'm your idiot."
Chloe hummed in response as she slipped her tongue in Beca's mouth. The brunette put her hands around the taller woman's hips and brought her body closer to the other woman's.
"Can we come down now or are you guys humping like rabbits already?!" Amy shouted from somewhere upstairs.
"Ugh, I swear I hate them." Beca grunted. Chloe chuckled and leaned her forehead against Beca's.
"It'll have to be like that sometimes, deal with it." She said as they both heard their friends cheer and applause while coming downstairs. "Oh, and just so we're clear" Chloe quickly added before they finally arrived to where the captains were entangled "I love you too."