It seems like it had always been me and Troy. I can't remember clearly a time when he wasn't part of my life. His easy manner was always open, sunny and trusting. And his looks; he was always that beautiful blue eyed boy. Those endless trips on the elementary school bus that I can't remember how we filled. There always seemed to be something to do something going on, and Troy was always there somewhere near me, a physical presence, whether there or not.
That's why Troy was the first to know when I started to think things were different for me. Troy was my best friend so there wasn't any excluding him from even that part of my life.
He was the one who said at that summer camp – with a surprised voice – "You like him." This simple phrase referred to one guy we had just met and had been swimming with down at a water hole at the nearby river. He was slightly older than us, an easygoing and muscular guy with dark hair and an ability to rock dive we couldn't believe. On the first day we met him, after checking the water's depths for twenty minutes, a white shadow under the water, he plunged in, time and time again, with a grace that haunts me still. The muscular arms spread each time displaying the perfect male form, an inverted brown triangle of sculptured flesh. The momentary pause as arms raised then, the dive itself, a dart into clear water. Troy had tried to copy him, but even his natural athletic ability couldn't compete with years of practice.
I don't know why it was Troy that spoke those words before I had even admitted to myself. Maybe at that time we were like twins, even though I already had a twin in Sharpay. We could be like brothers - working as one unit. I would have the feeling; he would have the thought. I remember that I said nothing in response and that was enough to confirm what he had said. Yes, I did like him, I thought. I liked him. A quiet revolt was going on in my head. It was bewildering but joyous. Once Troy had spoken those words I began my life for real. At that point I could begin to see who I was.
It was a year later when I finally had the courage to act on my feelings. There was a new guy in school who looked a lot like the guy from the summer camp, tall athletic and handsome with long dark hair that made him look like Jonny Depp. But the main thing about him was that he was obviously different in a way that I could relate to. His parents had transferred from NY and because of that he didn't hide who he was. He was gay and that was that. End of story. He did drama and soccer. He was great at both. The soccer was what got the respect. He had a name for playing at Nationals so, even though there were problems with who he was at school, he passed. In the first week there was a fight at the back of the school and – I'll never forget this – he came into class bleeding from the corner of his mouth with a swelling eye but absolutely unswayed. Some of the guys who jumped him were sitting in seats next to him. One looked as bad, as he did but nobody said a thing. David had guts and composure – who could resist? Plus Troy was in big with Gabby, so I had time on my hands.
When the prom came around I had the whole 'date' thing come up again. My mom and Dad had worked things out, they 'knew' about me and so there was no pressure to go with a girl. Sharpay decided that we would 'go as group' to take the pressure out of the whole situation. For someone who could seem so bitchy she was probably the best sister anyone ever had.
Troy was of course going with Gabby. Their thing had been going for a while, and I thought the distance that I felt from Troy was just a natural part of that. But if I had thought about it I would've said he wasn't really the same guy when he started seeing her. That carefree-ness kind of went. He was serious all the time. I thought maybe it was 'cause he was talking to her instead of me, but when she asked me if Troy was unhappy with her for something, I knew this couldn't be the reason. So I thought it was the pressure his Dad the coach was always putting on him. I let it slide.
Not having him around was terrible but I had accepted that things with him and me were always going to be like this. We couldn't be 'together forever'. I had to keep loving him like a brother. I was gay, he wasn't. Maybe there's something about being different that makes you accept what you can't have earlier than other people. You understand that life isn't always how you want it to be. If you're in love with the most beautiful perfect blue-eyed basketball player in the world and you have loved him since you can remember that doesn't mean you're going to be together. And you know what? I wanted Troy to be happy, and I knew he couldn't be happy with me.
The prom was pretty much as expected –everyone was there dressed to kill. Troy looked unbelievable in his tux but I sensibly looked for David, not letting myself, even, go there. Not tonight. I wasn't going to be stupid and depressed tonight. Tonight I was going to have fun. I wondered if he was going to show. Do gay guys go to proms? I didn't know, but I was hoping.
And yes, there he was - tall and handsome in a tux with a group of friends across the room. Then an amazing thing happened – he looked straight at me and checked me out ending with an exaggerated approving nod. I was so surprised I actually checked behind me to see what he was looking at! No, dammit he was looking at me! I could see him laughing at my disbelief. He was cool. I smiled to show I was cool too. But I wasn't . My heart was beating about a million miles an hour. I took awhile before we could get to stand together alone without it looking, well, gay. Finally we were kind of standing near each other in a group when he leaned into me and said, his voice covered by the loud music, "you look great." I smiled. His face was so close I could feel his breath, his warmth. "You too. You suit a tux." We both looked away, suddenly shy. Even he reflexively pretended to check out a girl to cover what had passed between us. Everyone knew he was gay, so he was doing that instinctively to cover for me. I realised was fighting the urge to kiss him right there and then. Just a quick light kiss - what would it hurt? Whoa…was I crazy? What was I thinking? I had to get hold of myself. He leaned in again. He said "You know the courtyard? Meet me in five?" He smiled and looked hopeful. I nodded and he was gone.
"The courtyard? Where was the courtyard in this hotel?" I asked myself. I couldn't believe this. I had to find the courtyard. So I asked some girl I didn't know who kind of unbelievably thought I was asking her to the courtyard! This would've been a disaster on so many levels! I started for one of the doors and saw the heartbreaking sight of Troy slow dancing with Gabby. He held her close and she was draping herself against the tall frame I knew so well. He looked at me for a second, our eyes met and he didn't seem happy. I told myself I didn't have time for the whole Troy thing right now. He had to work it out himself.
Finally I found the courtyard. It was low lit and landscaped with trees. He could be anywhere. Suddenly a guy's hand grabbed mine and turned me around. There he was. David. Before I could think his mouth was on mine; warm and rich but frightening. I pulled back. This was too soon, too much, wrong somehow. He pulled away too and said "I'm sorry…I thought…I just thought you were, that you knew. I thought you wanted..." He looked devastated. I quickly replied "No, It's okay. I am. I did. I knew you were. … I wanted to. I…I… I'm just not ready or something, I don't know." I took his hand to reassure him. It felt so strange there I was having a romantic thing with a guy….but so much better than with a girl. I was holding his hand. Wow.
He left his hand in mine while I said "I really like you. I thought I wanted to but I just I'm just doing this whole thing too quick or something." Then I stopped and said the words "You're my first. This is the first." He suddenly smiled, understanding then dropping my hand he gave me a quick friendly hug and stepped away.. There was silence for a few minutes as we sat on a low brick wall, "That's fine. Seriously, it's cool. I understand. It's a lot to take in. You need to take your time." He wasn't mad. He understood. We sat there for a few minutes then he said "Let's go back in and chill okay? I'll meet you back in there." I nodded and we smiled at each other.
He left quickly and I waited a minute or two before I made my way back when Troy appeared suddenly out of the shadows. I jumped. Did he see what had happened? I didn't know but he looked upset. "Are you okay?" "He said "No, no. I'm not okay." Then he suddenly stepped forward taking me by the wrists holding my hands down tightly on the low wall behind me. Looking in my eyes somehow fierce and sad at the same time he repeated "I'm not okay Ryan." I looked at him with confusion he looked like he was going to cry. I felt his hands shaking. What was wrong? What had I done? He repeated the words again. "I'm not okay Ryan." Then, in the most perfect moment I have had in my whole life, he leaned in, and, unbelievably, pressed his soft lips against mine. The smell and warmth of him overwhelmed. I kissed him back softly, softly. We were both shaking now. His hands softened on my wrists. He was holding them gently now. I slid my hands out of his hold and moved them to his back where they rested while we kissed another small soft kiss.
Pulling away slightly I looked into his eyes "Are you sure about this?" It seemed unbelievable that we were there together – what I had always dreamed of but thought I couldn't have. "Yes" he said "I'm not okay when I'm not with you Ryan." I stopped him suddenly afraid that he was doing this out of some perverted sense of loyalty, nostalgia…"We don't have to be together like this. We can be together however you want." Part of me couldn't believe I was potentially throwing all this away, all his perfection, away. He grabbed my wrists again, pulling my body to his "Yes we do have to be like this. Don't you see? I want you like this.." At that moment I looked in his eyes and I could see it was true, amazingly true. He was mine, it was undeniable.