„Holy crap", the Hokage mumbled while lightning a new cigarette. "Geez… what a pain, snow in Konohagakure…", he shook his head.
Neji, standing next to him on the rooftop of the Hokage's mansion watched him a bit, standing there, cursing, smoking and mumbling.
"I'm awaiting your orders, Hokage-sama", he said calmly. During night it suddenly had started snowing above Konoha, which wasn't really rare but quite unusual. The whole village had sunk into this white and cold cotton candy.
Shikamaru turned around, giving him a suspicious look.
"Damn, stop calling me like that…"
"I can't help it… It's your title."
Shikamaru sighed and took another puff. Since he became 27 years old two months ago, Neji counted, he must now have been being the Rokudaime for about 11 years now. And he still didn't seem to got used to those formal things.
Shikamaru looked up to the sky.
"How troublesome… seems as if still continues and won't stop so easily… ", he sighed. "Neji, please tell the Academie to skip the usual lessons and tell the teachers they should prepare some excours today. Inform the ANBU-headquarter to watch the gates. And get me all Jounin you can find and that damn Kiba. Oh and tell the Genin and Chuunin to start freeing the village from this… white… substance…" he threw away the cigarette, turning towards Neji.
"Of course, Hokage-sama."
Narrowing his eyes Shikamaru shook his head.
"How troublesome…"
He didn't seem to be in a good mood after all. He sounded very tired today, more tired than usual. Shikamaru obviously didn't like those 14 inches of snow. Every other duty would be almost impossible to do with all that snow. Still to Neji it didn't seem to be a big thing at all. Just a bit more work today than usual.
"Oh, and I forgot", Shikamaru said "get me that freaking shithead Sasuke!" The Hokage left and Neji couldn't believe his ears. The snow must be pissing him off a lot because for Shikamaru to order a visit of Uchiha Sasuke seemed like a miracle.
Shikamaru never really came along with Sasuke since he had returned and as a Hokage Shikamaru used to pretty much ignore him and didn't allowe him to work as a Ninja again. He even didn't return Sasuke's foreheadprotector. Neji knew… Shikamaru somewhat hated the betrayer and Neji understood very well. Everyone in Konoha understood.
Maybe it wasn't right to blame Sasuke, but it helped to get along with him, to get along with the daily life in Konoha without the friends. He wasn't the one who killed them, but some of their deaths were involved with the Orochimaru-Akatsuki-case.
Sasuke obviously felt uncomfortable, but tried not to show it, when he stood in front of Shikamaru's desk, Neji on his left, Kiba on his right side.
"Well", the Hokage coughed slightly. His voice and lungs weren't the best after years of chain smoking.
He didn't look at Sasuke and just pretended to be dependant on his written notes. "We only need your Katon-abilities today, to melt away the ice on important places. But only the important ones, you listen? I don't want to see any rivers flowing through Konoha's streets, understand me?"
Neji exactly felt that Shikamaru had a tough time not to sound agressive. Almost everything today seemd to be unusal.
Kiba went with Sasuke to watch over him. Ever since he became the Rokudaime, Shikamaru had let Ninja watching over Sasuke for quite a while. He stopped that a few years ago, when the IVth Shinobi War started and he needed every Ninja for more important tasks than watching over someone, he held a personal grudge against.
Just about noon they finished giving out the orders to all Ninja and Shikamaru decided to have a lunch break. Neji stayed with him, though Shikamaru didn't like to be lifeguarded. But Neji didn't only do it because it was his duty. He just wanted to stay with him, watching him a bit lightning cigarette after cigarette and eating and complaining. He was so cute, complaining, narrowing his eyebrows, biting his lips.
Sometimes Neji wished to be around him 24/7 and as his personal assistant he at least was allowed to be around him as much as possible without being suspicious to him. Neji was happy sometimes – no always, he always felt happy about it.
Out of all Rookie 9 only his cousin, Kiba, Sasuke and Shikamaru were still alive. And only because of this he had the possibilitie to get closer to him. Yes Neji sometimes was glad being something like his only friend, since the others passed away. Yes and he was shocked by himself about that and felt terribly embarrassed, every day – Still he couldn't help it… he loved him so much.
Neji had noticed it a few months after Shikamaru became Hokage and with him: Kiba and Neji his assistants, after Chôji's and Naruto's death.
Shikamaru often just did things together with him, eating lunch, talking about the work, the village's situation and sometimes Neji caught himself in daydreaming or thinking seriously that Shikamaru might saw more in him than just his friend, his assistant and comrade.
Right now Neji again felt this longing to be more than a friend when Shikamaru started complaining again leaning his forehead on Neji's shoulder.
"Sometimes I so hate being Hokage… so troublesome…"
Neji tried really hard to remind himself 'he only sees in you someone he can talk to, only a friend, only…'
He cleared his throught and took a deep breath to answer calmly.
"Then why did you accept becoming it?"
Shikamaru took the last puff of his cigarette and put it into the ashtray.
"Everyone knows I hate troublesome things, I hate doing stuff which cause nothing but a pain in the ass… still… it's something what needs to be done and when something needs to be done, I feel like doing it. If I wouldn't do so, Konoha would be lost and I would have regrets and having regrets for your entire life is much more a pain in the ass… so… And I couldn't think of anyone else as Hokage, who would really try to keep the way of the Leaf Shinobi. Somehow… I do it for the people… and for the people who passed away and trusted in me til their ends, my friends, especially Naruto… and Asuma. If I wouldn't do it, I would carry around a heavy guilt on my heart if some sort of idiot would be Hokage and would ruin Konoha."
He rested silent, then raised himself up and tried to smile. Shikamaru didn't smile often and his face looked like some weird gremlin.
"Oh and Neji… without me being Hokage, you'd still just be the branchhouse ass and the Hyuuga-main-branch-we're-so-traditionally-stubborn-crap would never have come to an end."
Neji felt flushed by those words, that smile and kept trying to remind himself that it was only friendship, though hope shined through the clouds on his heart. Then he became a bit sad.
Naruto always had promissed him to change the Hyuuga. He never got a chance to furfill that promise, to make his dream come true. And Shikamaru did it for him. He had this wonderful soft side, Neji admired, to care about such things, to care about it with so much passion as if it was his own business and to take responsibility for his friends.
Loud knocking from outside entered the silent atmosphere.
Despite Shikamaru's reply "I'm eating" while lightning another cigarette, Kiba entered, with him: Sasuke.
"Finished", he rushed in, grining like he did something glorious, "streets are freed, no rivers, ice is gone, Sasuke was a veeeery good boy and there are just a few houses left which still are buried under snow, but some Shinobi already take care of that."
"Perfect", Shikamaru grunted, "get him back to his place, we won't need him anymore."
Kiba nodded but Sasuke suddenly made a complaining sound.
"Shut up", Kiba said, but Shikamaru stoped him, shaking his head, then pretend to organize his scrolls on his desk and sighed.
"Well… Let's listen to what the famous Sasuke has to tell us…"
Sasuke immediately answered angrily.
"You could at least say thank you! Treating me like that for years and just using me as a firelighter. You suddenly discovered the taste of humiliation, Shikamaru, didn't you? "
The Hokage raised his eyebrows, took a puff and then looked up, right into Sasuke's angry face. His eyes were dominated by a sudden gleaming. Shikamaru's eyes usually didn't gleam at all.
"You… Uchiha Sasuke. You just should be quiet. You continue giving me reasons to finally execute you. You still behave in a way, you shouldn't do anymore in your position. Instead of being thankful and modest you always fight for more and more rights for yourself. But exactly that fighting for rights is what you never will get."
Sasuke narrowed his eyes and grunted.
"I don't know anything I should be thankful for, I-"
"YOU…", Shikamaru interrupted him with a sudden dominant voice, "betrayed your village, your comrades, you sold yourself to a megalomaniac to take revenge for something what lied so many years ago. You had the chance to return to normal life but you kept on claiming that stupid revenge and played the avanger. You didn't only betray your friends who loved you, no you hurt them deep in their hearts. And you still hurt them when they died and you still hurt them now when they already died many years ago. But I still let you live here, in Konohagakure, I gave you a place, a job, all what's necessary to survive and I even killed your goddamn brother since you weren't able to do it and I let you live here in the middle of all the people who you betrayed and I defend my acting and reasoning to to that in front of all these people. I still think, you deserve execution, whole Konoha thinks that, but we swallow our anger because Naruto and Skkura wouldn't want that. They loved you til their very ends. We do this for THEM, not for YOU, that's right, still you should be thankful we didn't take your life! And now leave!"
Shikamaru's piercing view, which forced Sasuke to step a little bit back, stopped when Sasuke finally sunk his head. The Hokage organized his notes again and seemed absolutely calm.
"Kiba… take him from here, watching at him provocates me and makes me feel like spitting into his face."
"Yes, Hokage-sama"
It was right, the last 12 years made them all some kind of tougher and especially Shikamaru, a lazy non-interested bum became that strict Rokudaime, who had to deal with so much problems and never lost his head. And Neji himself… he didn't change at all. He always had been one of the tough ones… but wished so much to be able to show his soft sides.
He wasn't allowed too.
Shikamaru was a man, the Hokage, and so much more different from Neji.
They spent their afternoon with a walk through the village, visiting families and quarters, checking the conditions. It was really cold, so cold, you couldn't figure out if Shikamaru again was smoking or if it just was his breathe. The snow made weird sounds while walking on it. It was a nasty cold and wet feeling, walking through it. Shikamaru didn't complain this time. He tried to not complain so much when he went through the village; maybe he didn't want to worry the people or he just enjoyed sometimes walking through the village, seeing how it goes.
The only ones who somewhat enjoyed the weather were the children. They kept running around like crazy for hours and somewhat got on Neji's nerves. He never had been good with children. Suddenly one of them slipped and almost fell down if there hadn't been a certain Hokage with a certain ability to controll shadows, who prevented an accident.
"That was close", he mumbled towards the kids. They smiled, thanked him and went away. Shikamaru didn't smile back to them. He might wanted, but he didn't. On days like this, there wasn't any reason for smiling.
"That damn Sasuke", Shikamaru grunted, throwing a Kunai into the frozen puddle to destroy the slippery surface.
Neji didn't reply. He felt lucky for a moment that Shikamaru gave a smile to him before. Shikamaru shivered a bit. He even refused wearing the usual Hokagedress when it was cold like that. Of course Shikamaru wasn't the type to wear such outfits at all. He only wore the white coat, sometimes, like today. Still not the right outfit to walk through cold disgusting snow. Or maybe he just was shivering, when he heard voices around him, calling his name with his title. There only was one thing worse than calling him "Hokage-sama" that was "Shikamaru-sama".
"That's way too long!!!", he always replied when you called him like that.
They checked almost every household in Konoha til late afternoon. That was the kind of boring work but as almost the whole country suffered under the heavy snow, which just didn't want to stop falling down from the sky, missions were set off. Shikamaru was busy consulting women being worried about their husbands who still were out on missions which started a few days ago. Neji thought it might be the worst thing about the war, the suffering families and he was pretty sure, Shikamaru thought so, too.
And after the last wife stopped crying, Shikamaru sighed heavily.
"Finished now?", Neji asked.
"Hm… no… one is still left…", he mumbled and slowly started walking.
Only one left, yeah for sure. Shikamaru wanted to check his parent's house.
It seemed pretty okay and even his mother, which always had a kind of angry look, seemed happy about her son's appearance, when she opened the door.
"Shikamaru, what are you doing? Walking around like that? Your clothes are way to thin… You're the Hokage, you should have some proper clothes now, shouldn't you? … Boy, your lips almost start tunring blueish", as usual she kept nagging on him. Though you couldn't miss the mother's pride in her face, when she saw him.
He crossed his arms and rolled his eyes.
"Don't give me that now, mother… I just came along to see if you two are okay. Hm. And as you're nagging on me as usual,… I propose you are."
"Sure we are….", she replied, not believing her son was worried about her.
"Fine…", he wanted to leave, but she held him back.
"Wait a minute, Shikamaru"
"What else?", he grunted giving her a distant look.
She invited him for dinner tonight. Neji and Shikamaru both didn't seem to be happy about that. Neji never really came along well with Shikamaru's mother. Yes, for sure she was nice and a good cooker and so on, but still she was a bit to effusive and loud.
"And bring your subordinants with you!", she told him. Neji's hope for her to forget inviting him and Kiba was lost. She always invited them, too and it became a habit every few months.
"Mother… does it have to be today?", he asked slacky.
She stared at him for a while as if she couldn't believe his words and than said with a forceful voice.
"Yes, just because it is today. You will come."
For a second he looked down at his feet and sighed. Yes, just because today was today. Shikamaru couldn't have done anything but saying "Okay".
His mother never would have let go on them today, because today was today.
And that was one of her soft and good sides. A side even Neji liked. It was a side, Shikamaru used to have, too. If he was her, he also would have invited his son for dinner on the day his wife had died years ago.
Sometimes Neji forgot about Temari's death. She died a few days after the wedding, that was when the war started. Her grave was in Suna and Shikamaru never talked about her. That day she died, it had seemed as if she had simply dissapeared from his life. He threw away the wedding rings, burnt down their house, threw away her clothes, her weapons, threw away everything that reminded him on her and burnt all photos and her letters. He didn't even cry once. At least not in front of others. He was so damn hurt deep inside, he skipped the funural, as he used to skip every funural of his friends. Shikamaru became more quiet then, and more tired and became a lot harder and rougher.
It was such a pity, such a cruel turning of fate for the young Hokage. It was a goddamn blatant injustice.
Neji's heart always bumped heavily when he noticed Shikamaru was thinking of her. He didn't know why, but he felt when he thought about her, although Shikamaru tried badly to pretend to have forgotten about her. If you wanted to talk to him about his wife, he simply didn't reply but you could tell from his eyes very much. They sometimes had this dolorous, sorrowful gleaming. Neji couldn't stand him looking like that.
And he looked like that each evening, each year in november.
The dinners at his parent's house always were a kind of strange. It felt strange to sit there, talking about too small things, avoiding desperatly the serious topics. In the deepest inside of his heart, Neji cried, everytime they had to go there, being hugged by his mother, as if the war didn't exist, as if they still were innocent children.
It was awful watching Shikamaru eating with the badest manners on earth, reminding on the bad manners of Naruto, Chôji and Temari, seeing him fighting for the last bite of the meal and blowing into his drink watching the bubbles. That was something Temari always did and Shikamaru had hated it so much. He always had started nagging on her bad manners. On evenings like this, Neji had a tough time watching Shikamaru, who used to have good manners, picking up little by little, one bad manner after bad manner of the dead people he had loved.
"Na, Kiba… Are you sure to take the last bite, although the Hokage is sitting right next to you, hn?", he mumbled and Kiba immediately got off that bite.
"Oh boy… in speak of the devil, you are the Hokage and you eat like a pig. Don't they give you food or what?", his mother sighed, after getting him the tenth drink of the evening. Shikamaru was too disgusted to drink the water he had blown into.
"Oh yeah, I eat Ramen almost everyday. It's the cheapest. I would be the worst idol, if I start eating the good food at the same time families in Konoha don't have enough."
It wasn't so bad after all. Konoha had enough to eat. Shikamaru just searched for apologizes to not have to admit, he only ate so much Ramen because of different matters.
Except for this small dialogues, the dinner used to went on quietly, since Shikamaru got up to smoke a cigarette outside. His father went with him, asking him some details about the war, maybe begging again to get again missions. But of course Shikamaru didn't even dare to send his father to the front.
After they left, Yoshino always turned to Kiba, asking him about his wife, his children and as Kiba was a kind of lucky man, he always replied the same.
"They're well, thanks."
She never asked such things in front of her son.
And after five or ten minutes, every evening, every year, Shikaku returned alone, saying hopelessly "Let's give him some time".
That was, and everyone sitting at the table knew, that time, a minute or two, sometimes three, when Shikamaru needed his time to win the strength not to cry, not to talk about it, to keep on pretending. He wanted it like that.
"Okay then… thanks… bye", he said quickly, when they finally joined him outside and as always he refused the warm touching of his mother on his cheek. He didn't even look at his parents or his subordinants. Walking behind him back to his mansion, Kiba and Neji always heard him sniffing a bit and then apologizing "It's cold today". They never could tell if Shikamaru finally had started crying about his wife's death, they never dared looking directly at him.
Just how much Neji would have given to make the Hokage feel better. But it was useless. Nothing ever could. He knew, Kiba knew, his parents knew, Konoha knew, even the clouds knew, they weren't enough to make him feel lightly again.
"Goddammit… I hate those evenings.", Kiba sighed, when they left the mansion. Neji didn't need to reply.
The following day Konoha seemed to wake up again after sleeping so silently inside of the snow. But Shikamaru still seemed a lot tired. He yawned and yawned and didn't stop yawning.
"My fault…", he mumbled when his cigarette fell out of his mouth and burned one of the maps. Shikamaru even was too tired to curse about it.
"You should take a break, cutie", Kiba said with a big grining, watching the paper, poking into Shikamaru's cheek.
"Stop that nonsense already. Troublesome, but too much work."
Neji shruged as Kiba looked at him sighing.
"And it's still Hokage-sama… you know", he mumbled again. Although Neji never liked senseless joking around, he had wished just for that moment that Shikamaru would have started debating and cursing and nagging and then laughing. Kiba followed his order to stop, not mentioning that he also didn't like to be called "Hokage-sama".
Kiba was different from Neji, always trying to obviously cheer everyone up. He never succeeded, but he often didn't give a damn on that. Work went slowly today and even slowier, the more nonsense Kiba kept on babbling, the more Kiba stared at Neji while Neji was staring at Shikamaru, at the cigerette smoke which floated softly around Shikamaru's head.
The subordinants didn't feel comfortable about the order to walk through Konoha, checking again the places, checking if the cold wind from night had made the snow became slippery ice. They usually didn't leave the Hokage alone. Still today they of course followed the instruction.
"You have to do something about that already, Neji", Kiba said silently when they walked through a small street behind the mainroad.
"About what?", he replied with a cold voice.
"It is so obvious… maybe not to him but everyone else reads your face like an open book. You always look so desperate when you stare at him, you know?"
"Nice and as you are such a smart boy you sure can tell me what to do exactly about it, don't you", he grunted, while stoping and knocking on a door.
A young woman opened, very young, pale skin and worried eyes, holding a small kid in her arms. Kiba hesitated, he never liked that kind of work.
"A message from Nara Shikamaru, the Hokage", Neji said as softly as possible, turning a letter to her.
"We are very sorry."
She didn't need to open the letter. She knew her husband died. She simply took the worthless sheet and closed the door wordlessly. A few seconds later, Neji and Kiba heard an aweful sound from inside. It was the usual sound of a crying wife, who was betrayed by fate.
"You can't do that", Kiba sighed, "only handing out the paper… You always do that as if you wouldn't do anything else but handing out letters about anyone's death. As if it wasn't anything important at all, as if it was-"
"something what happens every day… Kiba… it happens every day."
Neji sent Kiba home. He was to empathic today and started feeling guilty for having that great luck, to have his loving wife and children. Noone ever wanted him to feel like that, but he often did, as for example today. Neji didn't knew if Kiba felt sorry for him, who fell into a hopeless love.
When Neji was on his way home, it had been already dark outside for hours. The cold streets were empty, icy and wet. He decided to take the way over the rooftops to get to the Hokage's mansion, to give him the report.
The mansion was silent. Noone entered it, noone came out. Something rare in times of war.
Neji already had a bad feeling about it, when he knocked on the door and nobody answered, so he opened the door and found him, lying there on his back, legs crossed, arms hanging down, on top of his desk. Scrolls, documents, brushes and money were on the floor. Shikamaru used to be sleeping there ages ago. And today he might have felt like doing it again. Well, at least, he was sleeping.
Looking a bit angry and badmooded, his facial expression was frozen and his torso moved slightly up and down.
Neji only wanted to organize the scrolls rapidly, he only wanted to finish his work, but he took one look to much on him. He felt so attracted by that peacefully sleeping thing, he couldn't avoid staring at him a few minutes more than he should do, taking a few steps closer than he should do and sighing a few times more than he should do.
He bit his lips. No, he just couldn't do that, he just shouldn't do that, but no, Neji did touch him, stroking his fingertips carefully over the pale cheekskin. His heart made strange movements as he felt his breathe, it simply forced him to go on further.
"You have to do something about that already, Neji"
God dammit. What did that mean? To do something about it… and to do what exactly about what?
The more Kiba's phrase turned around in Neji's head the more he felt like kissing him. And what was so bad about it? Just one kiss. One kiss in his life. The only kiss he would ever get. The only kiss he desired so much. And it was just this short touching of lips, the bit of coldness on his lips he felt, when Shikamaru suddenly woke up.
"Neji… what are doing?", he said with a sharp voice. But Neji didn't know it himself either, and he just hadn't enough, he just didn't want to stop, only one more kiss…
"I-I'm sorry, Hokage-sama", he heard himself saying far away. Yes himself seemed so far away in this moment. This moment in which Neji couldn't catch himself, couldn't controll himself. That little piece of inconsequence and weakness, the need for one kiss, increased all of a sudden.
He simply didn't hear Shikamaru's words, his protests, didn't feel his fists, knees an feet hitting him. He just heard himself begging to get another kiss and another kiss and another kiss, just felt himself holding Shikamarus hands, bending down to him, almost lying on him, kissing him, touching him and opening his clothes.
"Just another kiss", he whispered into his ear, grobing under his shirt, reaching out to touch his skin, to touch him all over. He didn't want to hear him saying "No", he ignored it, he just ignored it. At that instant he didn't even think once about this situation, that he really forced Shikamaru to let things be done to him, he didn't want to, that he as a Hokage was to weak at that moment, to weak to defend himself. Neji's longing was too strong. So scaring strong, Neji couldn't stop it, Shikamaru couldn't stop it. It made Neji go further and further, Shikamaru sounding more and more desperate, but Neji didn't notice. He didn't notice, until he was lying under him, only wearing his pants and Neji's hands on the edge of opening them, when Shikamaru finally managed to get one of his hands back, grabing his forcing hands and saying suddenly with a very calm, very strict voice: "That's enough, Neji… Stop it!"
Back to reality, recognizing his doing, his behaviour and acting, Neji felt like falling down deep into earth.
Still lying on him, trying to catch his breathe and mind, he couldn't say anything but whispering unsure and small "I'm sorry" and after getting up, minutes later, he made a low bow down as deep as possible, still whispering "Forgive my foolishness, Hokage-sama…", grabed his clothes and ran away.
He ran outside into the cold, didn't hesitate to put his shirt and jacket on again. He just ran outside through heavy and wet disgusting snow.
Then he stopped in front of the Hyuugamansion, leaned against the walls for half an hour or something. He didn't think anything, his head and body were ful of that bad feeling, worse than a bad conscious. In the middle of the night, he entered the mansion. He had the feeling like wandering through a bad dream when he crossed the white paperwalls, undressed himself to get a shower. The warm water felt cold and Neji wasn't even aware of jerking off, like he had did so often, he couldn't count it.
By dawn he fell onto his bed. Eyes wide open. How could someone sleep, close his eyes with the risk of seeing and reflecting the past day? Neji couldn't. He was scared of those pictures. Maybe it was because he kept his eyes open so long, but he started crying. The guilt of selfishness and rudeness, the guilt of wanting something so much that you don't know anyway but this nasty one to get even a little bit of it, lyed on his head.
Any other person but him, it wouldn't have mattered to Neji, but making someone, who had suffered so much in his life, suffer even more, that was a crime of such an immense cruelty, Neji couldn't even forgive himself. How could the Hokage do?… He couldn't, he wouldn't.
He woke up a few hours later, after falling asleep despite the rushing thoughts in his mind. His body felt heavy and cold. Outside his room were noises. People running around in the corridors, talking, yelling, walking. He didn't want to go outside there. If Neji could have stopped the time, he would have done it. And he couldn't find any motivation to even get up, to even move a limb or just cover himself up a bit. He just felt like lying there without seeing anyone.
When he remembered the things that happened in the night, he noticed his headache. It increased the louder the world outside became. He felt like dying. He couldn't go to work today. He couldn't face him. Never again he could.
Suddenly, after minutes of lying awake on his bed, the door was shoved aside and someone entered. Through the open door the heavy noise rushed in and became horribly loud, feeling like nails in his brain. The door was shut again and the noise became so quiet, it almost was silent.
"Neji-nii-san", a silent voice whispered.
He didn't answer.
She sat down on his bed.
"You… will come too late…", she said carefully. For the past 28 years, Neji never came to late even once. And today he also wouldn't come too late. He wouldn't come at all.
He stared at the wall on the other side of his room, lying on his side, and didn't look at Hinata.
"Um… you… never come too late…", she said again with that thin and shy voice. At least one thing that hasn't changed after so many years. "Is… is everything alright with you?"
Neji didn't want to answer. He didn't even know. Of course nothing was right, but how could he dare, telling her all those things? He never told anything about his condition. To him it wasn't right to make his cousin worry so much more than she already did.
For a moment or two she waited for an answer, but he only closed his eyes.
"Yes… Hinata-sama", he said silently when she got up to leave again. Then he looked at her skinny body when she turned around.
"You know, Neji… you don't have to call me like that…", she tried to smile at him.
"Even if there doesn't exist something like mainhouse and branchhouse anymore… you still are the Hyuuga-clan's head…"
She coughed slightly and smiled.
"Well then… hurry up, Nii-san. The Hokage sure awaits you."
"The Hokage…", his voice felt like a big stone in his throat and he interrupted his own sentence, "no… not today I think…"
He looked away again, didn't saw her nodding and leaving with small movements. The noise gatemashed his room again, and left with her.
All day long he didn't move. Not even his thoughts moved. They had frozed around early noon.
By dawn in the evening, fast and heavy steps rushed across the mainroad. The people around watched him confused and puzzled, rushing across the village, behind him: his subordinant, which tried hardly to keep up with the Hokage's speed.
Finally arrived at the Hyuuga's mansion, all members of the famous clan went all excited and furious about his visit. No one on earth but that Hokage, who had changed the Hyuuga, who forcefully kept them under his controll, despite their traditions, their influences and history, could invade the mansion, in which every member fell down to his knees by his appearance. It was more than fear or respect what the clan's members felt for him.
So he rushed through the huge mansion, ignoring the members, only having this dark, pissed off expression in his face, behind him still his subordinant who obviously felt uncomfortable while disturbing the Hyuuga-clan's daily routines. He didn't seem to like the silent tension that came up every time the Hokage's presence filled the mansion.
So they fell on their knees, making low bows, whispering respectfully with shivering voices.
"Shikamaru-sama…"
And after the 9th familymember called him like that, he suddenly hesitated and turned around.
"Finally stop it you bunch of fools", he yelled. Nobody even dared to raise his voice again. Shikamaru kept on rushing through the deadly silence.
Neji had fallen asleep again, when he woke up by a silent but energetic knocking.
"Neji-nii-san, hurry up, the Hokage is here."
Usually he was the one walking aside the Hokage, when he made his monthly controll visit in the Hyuuga's house. But today, he couldn't do anything but getting up, dressing himself and hurry into the corridor, like every family member.
Of course it wasn't Hinata's duty to give instructions to the members, to behave like that. Most of them did that voluntarily. And when it was most of them, that meant everyone except for Hinata and Neji.
Hinata also didn't forbit the behaviour. She appreachiated it, as if she always had wanted the Hyuuga-clan to change, too and make the stubborn members suffer a little bit, just a little small bit, because of their foolish ideals.
She sure had grown up.
"Shikamaru-sama", she greeted.
"Hinata-sama", he greeted back.
Their meetings always started like this. And just because Shikamaru knew, Hinata wanted to call him like that and felt too ashamed to not call the Hokage by his title, he accepted it.
"You might guess, what I am searching for", he mumbled, lightning a cigarette. If it wasn't Hinata, who was the head, he wouldn't be allowed to do it and if it wasn't Shikamaru, who was the Hokage, he also wouldn't be allowed to do it.
"I already was wondering, when you would start missing him, Hokage-sama."
He sighed, then followed her to Neji's room, who finished dressing himself up, one or two seconds, before the Hokage entered.
"Just what the hell are you thinking?… Geez, we have mountains of paperwork and more mountains of snow and you are skipping work. It's not the right time to be a lazy bum, Neji", he mumbled and straightened some folds on Neji's shirt.
Ironic for him to call others a lazy bum.
Words failed Neji, when he suddenly stood there, pretending as if nothing had happened. By the short time he had to get dressed, he had weird thoughts of what would happen and had hoped for ignorance.
Kiba and Hinata left the room and closed the door.
Unable to say anything Neji just turned around, feeling all of a sudden more ashamed than during the night.
"What's wrong?", Shikamaru asked innocently, without getting a reply.
"Well. If it is about that incident… I don't mind. It's human. Although I have to admit, that I was a bit surprised. I will forget about that."
"Forget about that…", Neji repeated silently, "You shouldn't forgive that."
The Hokage coughed quietly. Neji felt his look on his back.
"In times like these it's easier to forgive the small sins. Especially to forgive friends. I don't know why you felt like doing it and I don't know if I'd like to know, but I can't help it, that you are an important person in my life. And as I know you, you won't let it happen again."
Forgiving him, simply forgiving him and still putting confidence in him, pretending that nothing happened at all – that was so unfair. That didn't erase the enormous feelings of guilt.
"And what if-"
"No what if. You always have to discuss things til their very end and further. I said, I'll forget about that and you should accept it. Holy crap, stop being so stiff… I mean stubborn."
No, that just wasn't alright. Neji couldn't accept the Hokage's decision. He didn't even forgive himself. But he also couldn't do anything against the Hokage's will, who lost his patience and captured him suddenly with his shadow, making him following.
"Kiba, we're leaving", he commanded, "thank you, Hinata-sama, next time I'll tell you before I show up."
She shook her head and put a smile in her small face.
Fast and heavy steps filled the mainroad again. Some kind of a wonder, that someone who always buried his hands in his trouser pockets could walk around like this. And he didn't let go off Neji.
Kiba was walking with him behind Shikamaru, whispering.
"Dammit, what happened? Have you fucked him?"
"Kiba!", Neji hissed.
"Yeah yeah, sorry, just kidding."
"… I tried to, I guess…"
"Hm? Oh Neji that was just a joke!"
"Joke my ass…"
"Well I told you to do something but I thought about something like… talking to him."
"I do know that very well…"
"Then why did you-"
"Stop asking now."
"And he…?"
Neji sighed angrily.
"… He's doing what he's always doing… pretending as if nothing had happened…"
Kiba took a look at the Hokage's back and grunted a little bit, but kept his lips shut. They both were thinking the same. And Neji felt now even more guilty than before.
At least it had stopped snowing.
Just why did Shikamaru have to be such a kind person?
Why on earth did he do things that made Neji love him even more?
And the worst thing about it was, that Shikamaru didn't say anything. He didn't say if he absoluteley didn't want it to happen again, he didn't declared expressely to him, that he doesn't have any of that kind of feelings. But he also didn't say that he had them.
Until Shikamaru didn't destroy all of Neji's hopes and dreams, Neji would have never come to piece. Neji knew, he only could forget about it, when Shikamaru told him directly, that he never will have such feelings.
The following days repeated. It was like one day that repeated. Getting up, feeling dizzy, getting to work, working, returning home, needing hours and hours to finally fall asleep and Shikamaru who tried constantly to act as if nothing had happened. But the more days passed by, Neji felt more distance between him and the Hokage.
He almost got the feeling, that Shikamaru felt unfomfortable when he was near by. And that feeling killed him. The distance, the shame and guilt, the worries and all wonderful things about his person killed him from the inside. He almost lost his hope, but couldn't get rid of his feelings for him, or the urge to watch him secretly, to be longing for him or just to do everything for him, what he told him to do.
"You didn't tell me that your wife became pregnant again", he mumbled with a cigarette in his mouth. Kiba looked up very puzzled. Sure, Kiba never would have told him about things like that. He somewhat seemed to be scared of Shikamaru's reaction or worse of no reaction.
"Um… yeah I thought… we… had so much to do with the snow and stuff… ", he scratched his head, looking helpless.
The Hokage gave him a suspicious look and then returned again to work-related topics. He had said it as if he would have mentioned by the way that the prices for eggs increased a bit these days. Shikamaru didn't like it when people became to careful. But also he couldn't stop them doing it. And maybe deep inside he really didn't want to know.
"Go home… ", he sighed, when he noticed Kiba being absent-minded terribly and terribly busy with not making a too happy face about his personal luck, "it's alright. Luckily not much work, no dead reports yet and …", he pointed his thumb at the windows, "the snow starts melting away, so…", he started smiling a little bit for a second.
Although Kiba obviously didn't like to be a day off duty again, he left.
Not much work it was? Well, not really.
The mountains of paperwork became higher and higher, the day older and older. They didn't even have time for a walk outside like every day. And at the beginning Neji had felt a certain fear to be alone with him, not only because he built up the distance. Neji also was scared of himself, what if he would do again such a foolish nonsense like then?
But his fear was for no reason. Somehow, as soon as Kiba left, Shikamaru seemed to become a little bit smoother. He sometimes even sighed a bit. It didn't really sound like that desperate sighing because of too much troublesome work, but a sighing which resounded so sweetly in Neji's ears and he started to feel again, like he used to for years and years, happy about these small instants, simply happy to be around him.
It became late, and later and so dark outside, you couldn't see anything but darkness and because he didn't like to be watched from the outside, Shikamaru did, as he often did when he was working during night, close the curtains. And they were sitting there and working through the whole night.
In the morning they were wondering a bit, why nobody came into the Hokage's office, as there always used to be things that already were to discuss in the morning. But nobody came. And there were more strange things about this morning. It was so silent. No birds singing in the morning, no trees soughing, no children laughing. Only silence. Silence and some weird gnashing.
They opened the curtains and it was an awful and at the same time amazing view, they were standing in there and stared outside: white. Everything was white. Out of all windows you couldn't see anything but little evil white cristalls.
So they ran downstairs, opening the door and when they opened it, a huge amount of snow rushed inside; so much snow and so fast, they almost didn't manage to close the door again.
"SO DAMN TROUBLESOME!!!", Shikamaru complained loudly.
Yes, who would have thought that snowing will start again during night. They were snowed in. And there wasn't any way outside. They might have managed it through the snow, yes but at the same time they would have set off an avalanche and endagered the village.
So they had to wait, to wait and hope that the Shinobi who were positioned outside the village would remember Shikamaru's instruction from days before well and fast.
The Rokudaime didn't seem to be willing to do more work. He didn't even look tired, he just looked bad mooded. So they spent the first half of the day with searching for foot and his secret hideplaces for emergency cigarette-packs. Since he had burnt down his house back then, Shikamaru slept, ate, worked and somewhat lived in the Hokage's mansion. And he seemed to be quite confident with it although he was cursing at this moment, because he couldn't find the last hideplace at all.
Neji only watched him running around furiously, smoking and cursing and mumbling. He knew that Shikamaru hated this situation, but Neji somehow liked it, alone with him in his house, far away from the outer world. Sometimes, when Shikamaru ran into another room, Neji had to smile a bit and thanked destiny to have smiled upon him today.
The other half of the day they were sitting on the floor in his office, trying to enjoy that unique view "outside", to enjoy the unusual brightness in the house and eating. Of couse they ate a lot of Ramen, because Shikamaru didn't really enjoy shopping, neither he enjoyed sending others to go shopping for him. And after a few hours they had been so bored, that they simply kept on eating. Neji couldn't remember to have eaten Ramen at this rate before.
They didn't talk a lot. Most of the time Neji was listening to his complains.
And in the evening, when the snow wasn't that bright anymore, and because Neji figured it out by looking outside with his Byakuugan from time to time, he still felt a bit happy and lucky about the situation. It felt like before, as if they really had forgotten about the incident.
"Come with me", Shikamaru shooed. Of course it wasn't the first time Neji had been in the Hokage's bedroom. But this time he felt a bit uncomfortable with the thought about entering the dark room. He hesitated and stopped in the door frame, watched Shikamaru going inside, shoving away the curtains. Although it was night, the snow still threw a bright and cold light into the room, shining directly onto the huge bed.
"Well then, you must be tired, Hokage-sama, good n-", he wanted to turn around and leave but Shikamaru interrupted him, grabing his arm, forcing him to enter the room.
"No no no no", he closed the door behind them and started taking his shoes off. "You will stay here", he ordered. Neji was not sure, if he was joking or if he was serious. And even if so, why on earth did he have to do that? Did he want to punsih him and tease him by forcing him to sleep in his bed? No, that was impossible, Shikamaru wasn't that kind of person.
"What is it? Do you think I let you in here with your shoes on? Take them off… geez…"
Neji didn't ask, he just followed the order, as if it was an usual order given by the Hokage to his subordinant.
So he was lying there next to him, in his bed, feeling nervous all over his body. He just wanted this night to come to an end, a fast end. It was something he always had dreamed off and now he just came to the conclusion that this was not right.
"You aren't sleeping", Shikamaru mumbled suddenly. He had turned his back towards Neji.
"You aren't either", he replied dryly.
"I never sleep well in this bed…", he hesitated, "Does it make you nervous?"
"I don't understand why you are doing this. Excuse me, but it seems as if you want to humiliate me."
Shikamaru turned on his back and sighed surprised.
"Is that so!?… Well I just don't want one of my best friend's to sleep on the floor in my office or in the corridor while I am lying here. It's pretty cold since there is nothing but snow around us. I thought it was the best solution for the night."
"I understand, Hokage-sama."
Neji turned his back towards him, watching at the wall and listening to his grunting. The slightly cold air stayed silent for a few minutes.
"Neji, can I ask you something?"
He sighed and waited a few seconds before answering.
"For sure"
"I just was wondering… what you would like to do now, in this situation. I mean… since… there was this incident, I can imagine that this is a very… difficult situation to handle. I don't know why but I just was wondering… and I don't mean, what you like yourself to do now, but what you really want to do."
Neji suddenly sat up and turned around.
"You… what?", he said and felt his heart bumping all excited and hyper. But no it wasn't allowed to do it, that'll only lead to trouble.
Shikamaru looked at him carefully and softly.
"I'm asking you to do, what you want to do. I just want to know…"
"No", Neji said immediately and shook his head, staring at him furiously, "no, I can't. Don't force me to do that. Don't make me excited about something I will never get."
"Neji, I don't want to humble you. I just want to… well I am sure you didn't want to do it like the way you did to express your feelings. So I just thought about… maybe giving you another chance to do it and giving myself a chance to figure out properly if I have to give you the brush-off or if… there might be another chance."
Neji still shook his head.
"You shouldn't force me to do that…"
Still Shikamaru's current soft look in his face and this forcing nervous feeling made Neji come closer.
"I know, but at this moment I feel like don't giving a damn on what I should and what I shouldn't do, so…"
And then Neji just gave him a single asking look, shut his eyelids and gave him a soft kiss, stroking over his head and shoulders, pressing his body against his. He tried to enjoy it and tried to figure out if Shikamaru did, too. But he didn't feel anything and wanted to let him go.
Shikamaru held him down with his hand in his neck.
"Like expected… that was a lot softer than last time.", he said quietly and kissed him. Neji was so surprised, and suddenly so overfilled with good feelings, he couldn't stop it now. Now that he was aware of what he was doing and now that Shikamaru seemed to tolerate it and… better… to like it. Neji felt nothing but happiness and joy about kissing him, feeling his tongue slipping over his lips and stroking and touching him. Everything happened so slowly and relaxed, although Shikamaru obviously felt nervous about being suddenly naked, being touched all over.
But although Neji offered several times to stop at any rate, he still wanted it to do.
And when they finally did it, Neji didn't want to stop anymore, he didn't think of anything but that sweating body under his, the moaning sounds and that intense feeling. The feeling of being this close to him.
Nevertheless, the night became something to him, what Neji liked to describe as the lightest moment in his entire life. But the lightness left soon, when Shikamaru sat up to smoke a cigarette.
"Gosh… just what the hell have we done…", he mumbled to himself. Neji wanted to reply something like "Oh I remember very well what we have done", but he didn't. He simply turned around and tried to sleep. His thoughts were rushing between the memory of the lightness and the present heaviness. He couldn't figure out, what Shikamaru meant by saying that.
So he had doubts about what he did. Because he didn't feel anything? Or did he feel guilty towards his dead wife? Or was it because they were men?
Neji asked himself over and over again, listening to Shikamaru's constant sighing. It seemed as if they were both lying there as before, turning their backs towards each other, pretending to sleep.
The next morning Shikamaru was all hectic – quite unusual for him. Maybe it was because of his lack of cigarettes or – and that was sad but more possible – the close distance to Neji. As expected, they didn't talk about it. Shikamaru tried to act as if nothing happened at all. He even tried to walk properly though he didn't succeed. And he didn't succeed very well in pretending to stay calm. He was nervous, very nervous and mumbled all the time about something like "getting out of here… immediately". So he ran around in the house, searching for a solution. By time he sat down in his typical position when he thought about strategies.
They went to the loft from were you can get on the rooftop. But before Neji tried to check with his Byakuugan how much snow lied on the rooftop, they heard some sounds like a dog's barking. And yes, after a few minutes they heard the snow being shoved aside and a loud voice yelling: "Oi, Akamaru found it."
"Hehe, missed me?", Kiba grined, when the dormer window was freed and opened.
Yes that was the end of the sweet togetherness, now that the village was again excited about the huge masses of snow. Also the Hokage had again all his hands full of work.
By the end of the day, when almost every house in Konoha was free shoveled, Kiba asked Neji to make a little detour. They walked through a lot of narrow alleys, were they didn't meet anyone.
"You both behave quite strange today…", Kiba sighed after a few minutes of silence, "did anything happen?"
Neji didn't want to reply first, he regreted agreeing to this walk.
"… we did it…"
"Did what?"
Neji grunted and fastened his steps.
"Oh my gosh,… you had Sex?"
"You always expect THAT", he sighed.
"Oh… so you didn't… then… what else?"
"Nothing else"
"Hun?… Am I stupid or are you just teasing me?"
"No, you were right… this time… we really did have Sex…"
"Hm… But… it doesn't seem like a success or something. He is so… damn bad-mooded today, worse then before after the, um.. incident. It almost seems as if he's ignoring you. And you… you're staring at him… but the way you do that now… crap it almost looks hurt."
"Kiba, can't you mind your own business, just for once?", Neji said angrily and quickly got away.
He was right, Kiba was so right. Shikamaru was ignoring him. And he was hurt. And yes he had known it before, when Shikamaru asked him to do what he wanted to do, Neji knew, since that moment, that he will be hurt. And again he didn't knew directly if Shikamaru was ignoring him, because he was just nervous or something or if he didn't like it or him or whatever.
Why did Shikamaru just have to become such a complicated person after all?
Maybe destiny had planed something different for him? But why did it make him suffer so much. Neji hated this foolishness he was running into. He hated loving and he hated that he couldn't hate Shikamaru.
Oh and destiny had planed something for him.
Kiba watched the Hokage with a worrying look. While sneezing heavily, the cigarette had burnt another map by falling out of his face.
"Excuse me", the Hokage mumbled and tried to save the last bit of the map.
"Are you getting a cold, Hokage-sama?"
"Nah? No… that's too troublesome, I never get colds", he answered huffs.
Neji sighed, giving him the first reports of the day.
"You should go see a doctor. The village doesn't need a sick Hokage…", Kiba replied, taking those reports and starting to read them.
Neji staid calm and quiet. He tried to avoid conversation, since Shikamaru never really talked to him anyway. But the Rokudaime indeed looked a kind of unhealthy with his bloodshot eyes and he even seemed to have a light fever.
"Just go see the doctor even if it is just a check… you can never be careful enough", Kiba added, Neji nodded slightly and the Hokage just sighed.
"Do it for the sake of the village…"
The Hokage sighed again as a reply towards Kiba.
"… alright… but only to make your lips shut for once!"
Shikamaru was a kind of guy who hated doctors and hospitals. He liked to deal with things regarding himself on his own. Of course he had to admit that the village so didn't need a sick Hokage and that's why they finally could persuade him of visiting the doctor the next morning.
That morning was so cold, it was almost breathetaking. The sky had this reddish touch and the clouds looked like they were burning.
Kiba and Neji accompanied him. They always did as his personal assistants, everywhere he went to. Where the Hokage was, they weren't far away. So they were sitting with him in the examinating room, watching closely the movements of the doctor. It was a young woman, who seemed to be nervous about being allowed to examine the Hokage himself. But she also made a very worried impression, when she heard his lungs and measuring the fever.
Shikamaru didn't seem to be sitting in there. His thoughts were elsewhere. You could tell from his look outside the window. He didn't listen to what she had to tell him and all of a sudden, when a few birds flew out the trees all in once, near the Nara-forest, he got up, only dressed in shoes, pants and a thin shirt and jumped out of the window, grunting "He's only doing this to drive me nuts!!!"
"Hokage-sama, you can't do that, you need a rest!", the woman screamed softly. But he was gone. Kiba and Neji didn't even need to look at each other, they immediately followed him.
Sasuke was standing there, at the frontier to the Nara-forest, with a big grin in his face, while Shikamaru approached slowly. Flurries came from him and shoved away the snow with easiness. "Hehe, oops, am I pissing you off again?", Sasuke laughed quietly but Shikamaru didn't reply, he kept approaching, flurries reaching for Sasuke.
"So, what is the famous Rokudaime going to do now? Hn… Now that I am here, standing on the ground of the house you burnt down… and thinking about searching for Hidan… I'm very curious about what you will do, if I find him and sew him together…"
Kiba wanted to attack him, but Shikamaru held him back with a huge flurrie, so he got knocked down to the floor again.
"You two… keep away", the Hokage grunted. So Neji and Kiba couldn't do anything but watch the szenario.
"Oh, you're really pissed off, I see, Nara… but you won't harm me… hehe, I know, you are too weak in your mind… you couldn't ignore a wish of you're friends, am I right? Oh but let my try at least to drive you so nuts, that you finally execute me, because… this isn't worth it. I give a damn on what that stupid Naruto had wished for… even if it's him who I shall be thankful to for living… I don't care… so… come on… and execute me, like you want it to."
That Sasuke never was sane. And now listening to him talking that crap, was just like a certificate to his insanity. The more he talked, the more Kiba shook his head, the more huge the flurries around Shikamaru became and the more something grabed Neji's heart, squeezing it.
"Hehe, I know… you don't have the guts to do it. Even if I am standing here… How many years did she have been dead, yet? Four, five… six? Hehe, my bad, I can't remember, but I'm sure you couldn't either. Burning down every memory of her… You must be so thankful for not having to live with a woman you hate. I know, she would have driven you crazy, that rude bitch, haha an-"
Sasuke didn't talk anymore. A sudden very strong furrie had grabed him and threw him around, before a shadow showed up and grabed his throat. Shikamaru seemed to be all excited, but he didn't say anything, although it looked like he wanted. He only gaged Sasuke.
"Ugh… you… don't… want… to… ugh… deliver… one of… ugh ugh… your… cool… speeches…. Ugh"
Maybe Sasuke really did this on purpose, provocing Shikamaru, just to get executet, because his life was a mess, maybe he just had fun by doing that. Neji didn't know. How did he even dare talking like that towards Shikamaru? Neji couldn't understand. He felt such a hate in his throat, his heartbeat went so fast. Still he tried to controll himself as Shikamaru told them to stay back.
Not, that he was scared Shikamaru might not be strong enough to keep Sasuke quiet, but Neji shivered just by the wish to beat this asshole up.
And finally Sasuke sunk to the ground, being unconscious, bleeding because if the windcut wounds. Shikamaru stared at him with despise and snuffed. Then he looked up into the forest and then to the ground where his house used to be. Neji couldn't describe that look in Shikamaru's eyes. It simply made him feel guilty, very guilty for loving him, for that one night. It felt like his heart wanted to slip outside of his body and crawl through the gooey snow.
"Bring him to the hospital, chain him up", he ordered silently with a slightly shivering voice.
Although Kiba and him stared at each other with worrying looks and had doubts about letting Shikamaru alone, they followed the instruction. Neji had this huge lump in his throat, as if he wanted to start crying every second. He kept thinking about Sasuke's words and Shikamaru's acting the whole day. It gave him the creeps. And the Hokage didn't appear during the day. Not until evening, when Kiba and Neji saw him standing on the rooftop of his mansion, smoking a cigarette, staring directly to the Nara-forest. He didn't react to them, his eyes were wide-open and he was obviously absent-minded. Neji was wondering, if he even noticed himself shivering because of the cold windy weather. As he didn't react to anything they said, they finally gave up.
It sure was unreasonable to be outside today, wearing such thin clothes and of course Neji and Kiba looked more often at each other with the worrying looks in their eyes, feeling all helpless and useless.
At that evening, when Neji took a last look at Shikamaru's back, before returning inside, he thought for a single second that the village looked beautiful, snowwhite, with red coloured splashs on its rooftops, silent, cold, icy and shiny and that strong wind blowing away the light powder-like snow. Yes for just one small instant Konohagakure was burning beautifully, anouncing a turning of fate, again.
The following morning, starting all gray and gloomy, Neji and Kiba arrived at the mansion like every day. And of course they expected Shikamaru to sit in his office, like every day. But he wasn't sitting there. At first they didn't want to look for him, they could imagine that he'd be a bit more depressed today then usual. But after the half of the day they somewhat got scared and had this unearthly feeling that something might be wrong.
So they hurried to the Hokage's bedroom and found him there, breathing heavily, sweating and groaning, narrowing his eyes painfully. Neji felt his forehead.
"Get a doctor", he said quickly and Kiba hurried immediately.
This wasn't looking good. It was so not looking good. The time ran fast and faster, the faster Shikamaru's breathing got. Neji and Kiba couldn't do anything and even the doctor narrowed his eyebrows doubting. He shook his head, when he heard his lungs and he closed his eyes unhopefully.
"It's his lungs", he finally said very silent "and the fever is extraordinarily high." He shook again his head and their looks rested for a moment at the Hokage's shivering body, while he was mumbling deliriously strange incomprehensible words.
By evening Kiba decided to inform his mother. Neji stayed there, staring at him all the time, trying to touch him, but was too scared, too scared of feeling him fading away. Something happened here, what shouldn't happen. His skin felt tight, as if it wanted to peel off his body. Though they had tried several times to talk to him, Shikamaru didn't answer anything but groaning painfully and squirming with pain.
Neji felt his heart contracting every little second a bit more. He felt so slowly, as if everything else would be rushing around him. Paralyzed by that incredible feeling, that panic and the terrible headache, he slightly noticed the snow outside starting to fall again, when Yoshino arrived.
The day Temari died, it had been snowing in Konoha, too.
Suddenly Shikamaru woke up a bit, when he saw her.
"Mum?", he asked carefully with a thin voice.
"Yes, I'm here", she said silently. Neji couldn't remember her voice being so sweet.
And Shikamaru started to cry a little bit, quietly.
"Mum…"
He squirmed again with pain, pressing his face into the pillow, holding her hand, breathening heavily. His mother looked desperatly at the doctor. Neji never saw such a scared face, since Shikamaru's when he read the report about Temari's death. It was exactly the same look.
The doctor shook his head.
The atmosphere went silent, except for Shikamarus wailing with pain.
"When a man calls for his mother like this… death isn't far away from him.", he said quietly. Yoshino nodded, then looked again at her son, stroking over his head.
Neji stared at the scene, as if he wasn't a part of it. A look at the doctors face again, told him that these were his last minutes.
Neji screamed, he rushed towards the bed, but Kiba held him back.
"Neji don't", he whispered, but Neji kept on screaming, he didn't knew what else to do.
"NO"
"Neji stop it, please"
He wanted to get rid of Kiba's strong hugging, trying to push him away from the bed.
"NO KIBA LET ME GO!"
He heard himself screaming as if he wasn't in his body. His voice became high and higher, his face felt hot. He kicked and tried to free himself.
"KIBA, DAMN IT, HE'S DYING!"
Was it Kiba who was shivering or was it himself? Neji couldn't figure it out. He only thought about running towards there, he just couldn't believe it, he wanted to stay there-
"Neji I know", Kiba said quietly. His voice didn't sound like Kiba's.
"SHIKAMARU STOP THAT!!!"
Neji kept on screaming, but Kiba finally suceeded by bringing them both outside, closing the door.
"NO"
"Neji…", Kiba pressed him against the wall, while he still wanted to escape and spoke silently, with a suddenly thin voice, "I'm sorry to say that… but… let him go… he'll be happy where he's going to…"
And then Neji held his breathe, staring at the door, not feeling his limbs, noticing that Kiba finally let go off him. They rested silent. The whole world didn't move.
By a sudden flurry from outside Neji heard a noiseless sniveling from inside. Emptyness filled him inside, nothing but emptyness and the tears falling down from his face.
Neji didn't care if there wasn't a legal successor, if Sasuke was executed or what would become of the village, its inhabitants, the war.
He skipped the Hokage's funural. He was standing on the mansion's rooftop, staring into the sky, watching the clouds rolling heavily around, feeling again like the caged bird he always had been.