A/N: Not my characters and they may seem to be OOC at times. Takes place after LMT. Don't know how many spoilers there'll be. This fic was inspired by a drama that took place on my husband's side of the family. And well Stace said I needed to write it.

Thanks Stayce for editing.

Confessions

Chapter One

My mother's kitchen had never felt as small as it did at this very moment. I was finding it hard to breathe, and my eyes couldn't focus. There was very little in life that shocked me anymore, but I was beyond shocked. I was outraged, yet some part of me was curious, and in fact the entire confession was quite confusing.

If I was being honest with myself it explained a lot. The reason I never really fit in. The square peg trying to fit into the round hole, I called The Burg. Over the years parts of me tried to fit myself in the mold. I got married to a young attorney trying to make a name for himself, and he succeeded in that. The scum sucking, cheating, dick. He was out banging every female with two legs that couldn't outrun him before I even had a chance to change my undies. After the legendary divorce, I was back to being the outcast of the neighborhood.

"Stephanie, I know I should have told you this sooner," my mother said, her voice cracking.

"You think?" I snapped, and instantly felt bad for being so pissed.

"I know you're upset, and you have every right to be, but this isn't easy for me, either. I've been ashamed of myself for the past 30 years."

"So why now, Mom? Why are you finally telling me this now?" I asked. "And how is it that nobody ever knew? The Burg isn't exactly a place that keeps secrets."

"I met Alassandro Dante Mancini a year after Val was born. He was a handsome, young Italian man that just moved into the area, and he was charming. Very charming. Your dad and I were having problems. It's no excuse, but I found myself easily sucked into the affair. Dante was so kind to me. There were no expectations with us. He just let me be me.

"At first there was nothing physical between us. He was just a friend, supporting me and listening to me. He never told me I couldn't do something. The possibilities were endless as far as he was concerned. He made me feel good about myself. Like I could be more than just a Burg housewife. I wanted to be more, but that's not how I was raised," my mother explained.

Through my anger, I knew what she meant. It was still hard for me to comprehend, though. Why was she so hard on me, badgering me to fit into the mold when she hadn't wanted to fit into the mold either?

"We were careful, but once our affair turned physical it became more difficult, and as you know, there are no secrets in The Burg." She sighed and ran a hand down her already perfectly straight apron. "The thing about The Burg is when they know there's an affair going on they whisper about it behind closed doors. Nobody likes to be the one that says what they know out loud."

I couldn't stop the snort from escaping me. That was something I knew about first hand. Nobody ever told me about all the affairs Dickie had. Not once was I informed. I never even heard the slightest rumor. In fact if I hadn't caught him going at it on my dinning room table, I probably never would have known.

"Did you love him?" I asked, staring her in the eyes.

"I loved how he made me feel. Loved the encouragement. He made me want so much out of life, but I still loved your father no matter what. I always held myself back from Dante because there was always this guilt when we were intimate. He knew I was married and had a little girl, so he didn't push. He never asked me to get a divorce, and I never offered. What we had was beautiful for the moment, but it wasn't a forever thing.

"One day I decided I couldn't do it any longer and broke it off. He moved away the next day, and I went back to your father. I told him everything, and he forgave me." She paused and took a deep breath. "I found out I was pregnant a month later. Your dad and I talked about it and it was decided that he would raise you as his own."

"Did you ever find out for sure?" I asked through the lump in my throat.

"No, we didn't. There was no need to," she said.

"Why are you telling me this now? Why after all this time are you now telling me that the man I've always thought conceived me didn't?" I asked.

"Because I see a lot of me in you. I know you love Joseph, but I can see that you aren't completely sure of it either. You've never fit into the mold, and as much as I've tried to force you to fit, you never have. I don't think you ever will. I told you this, hopping you'd take a good long look at the direction your life is headed."

I started to interrupt, but she held up a hand to quite me.

"I'm talking romantically, Stephanie. Is Joe who you want to be with for the rest of your life? I know once you're married you'd never consider an affair, so you need to be sure. Do you love Joe enough to make it work? Forever!"

I looked at her unblinking. Never did I think I'd hear her utter 'think about it' words when it came to marrying Morelli. She'd always been too happy to push me into a marriage with him. My eyes dropped to my left hand, the diamond sparkling back at me. We'd been engaged for three months now and planned to get married in four more. I admit that I hesitated when he proposed, but in the end I knew I loved him, and he was willing to commit to me for a lifetime, so I said yes.

"Why are you saying all this?" I asked, my eyes narrowing.

"The light's gone out of your eyes a little bit in the last few months. I just wondered if that light left when Ranger left?" she asked, watching me carefully.

I dropped my eyes, staring at the table. The day after I'd told Ranger I was getting married to Morelli he left town. He hadn't been back since. I hadn't heard from him the entire time, either. I'd tried to call him several times, but every time I went to hit send I chickened out and canceled the call. I didn't know what I'd say anyway, so it was better that I never called him. He obviously left for a reason, and that reason might have nothing to do with me. It could just be a coincidence that he left when he did. Why would he leave just because I was marrying Morelli? That was just ridiculous and not to mention completely arrogant of me to even think it was about me at all. His love didn't come with a ring after all, so why would he care if I was making that step with Morelli.

"I don't know why Ranger left," I said, quietly.

"Do you miss him?" she asked, laying a hand over mine.

It was a weird gesture and even slightly uncomfortable. My family didn't show emotions. We spoke of love with food. Mom baked me a cake to say she loved me. She didn't touch me all that often in a loving way. It just wasn't how we were. And all the mushy talk wasn't who we were either. I didn't know how to have conversations like this. And I certainly didn't know how to explain my relationship with Ranger to her, but my first thought was that I did miss him. I missed him every day, and just beyond missing him, I was worried that he was never coming back. That would leave a Ranger sized hole in my heart, that I didn't think I could ever fill. It's hard to hand another man your heart on your wedding day when you didn't have all of it to give. But did I really have it all now? That was something I didn't want to think about.

"He's my friend."

"Yes, but that doesn't answer if you miss him or not. I know you love him. I can see it in your eyes when his name is brought up."

I looked away and worked on finding the blank mask Ranger always sported. "Yes I miss him. I think it's more because I don't know why he left, or where he is, or if he's coming back."

"Have you ever told him you love him?" she asked, leaning back in her chair but keeping her eyes on me.

I shook my head no and pushed back from the table. I gave her a small smile as I stood to leave. "Joe's going to be home soon. I better get going," I said, grabbing my handbag off the table.

I stuffed myself in my coat, wrapped a scarf around my neck, and headed for the door. I paused just outside the dinning room and looked around. The house was empty and quiet, but it always felt so lived in. The Christmas tree sat next to the TV, the lights flashing in a swirly pattern. Decorations hung from the limbs. Some made when I was child and others from my nieces. I could see the 'Dad of the year' ornament I made in the third grade positioned right in the middle for all to see. The only thing missing were the presents that were opened five days ago.

I turned away from the tree and walked to the door, my thoughts a jumbled mess. Mom opened the door for me, and I stepped though, pushing the storm door open. I stopped, holding the door and looked over my shoulder. Mom's eyes rose to meet mine.

"Thank you for telling me all this," I said. She nodded, and I let the door close behind me.

It was snowing again. Soft white flakes drift down to Earth. I closed my eyes and silently breathed in the fresh winter air. What did any of this mean? Did it matter? I didn't have the answers. I honestly didn't know how to feel or what was right to feel. I opened my eyes and walked to my car.

The drive back to Morelli's house was made in silence. No radio, no talking to myself, no internal thoughts. I just drove, and pulled into the driveway five minutes later, parking behind Morelli's SUV. I trudged up the driveway and kicked my boots off on the doorframe before stepping through the front door.

"That you, Cupcake," Morelli hollered from the living room.

The TV was on, a game playing loudly as I stepped into the living room. There were pizza boxes open and beer bottles lining the coffee table. Mooch Morelli and two of the guys from the station sat on all the available furniture, eyes focused on the ball game in front of them.

"Hey," I said and moved to the kitchen.

"There's a meatball sub on the counter for you," Morelli said. "Could you bring me another beer, Cupcake?"

There was a chorus of 'me toos' from the living room. I took a deep breath, grabbed four beers from the fridge, and dropped them off in the living room on my way to the stairs. This wasn't want I needed tonight. I needed … I didn't know what I needed, but I knew a house full of the guys wasn't it. I wished he would have called me. Checked with me at least. Maybe prepared me.

I dropped down onto the bed with a groan. "And this is why I didn't want to give up my apartment, yet," I said out loud to myself.

Or at all, the little voice in my head said. That should tell me something, shouldn't it?

I'd been living at Morelli's full time since the beginning of December. There had been times when I craved the alone time and my own space, but for the most part cohabitating hadn't been too bad. It could just be that the expectations hadn't started, yet. I knew they'd come in at some point. I'd made it clear that if we were going to work, if the marriage was going to really work, then he couldn't expect me to change my life completely for him. He had to compromise. I wasn't quitting Vinnie's. I liked what I did. My compromise was that I wouldn't go after any dangerous skips. I felt that was a more than decent compromise. He agreed. Begrudgingly, but he did agree.

I rolled off the bed, gathered comfy clothes, and headed for the shower. I needed to clear my head. There was so much to think about, and I didn't know where to start. My mother had dumped more than just my conception on my lap tonight. There was this marriage to Morelli, and more importantly Ranger. Yes, more importantly.

I turned on the water, tested it for warmth, and climbed in, immediately dipping my head under the spray. Once all the way wet, I lathered my hair with shampoo. Green tea and cucumber wafted through the heated air.

I wished I knew where Ranger was. Maybe if I knew I could be happy. That wasn't fair. I wasn't unhappy. There was just this missing piece that wouldn't let me be completely happy. Something that wouldn't let me get on with my happily ever after. I knew deep down it was Ranger. I just wasn't sure if it was that I didn't know where he was or if it was that I didn't know if he was coming back or if it was Ranger period. I still loved him. I figured I always would, maybe not as much as time went on, but some part of me would always love him. Was it that we never got a chance? Was it all the what ifs? I knew I'd always wonder if we could have been amazing together. I knew the physical side was untouchable. Ranger was magic, and we were beyond magic together. But I'd never known about the emotional side. Would we have worked? Could he have let me in enough for us to work? Would he have wanted to?

I let out a sigh and grabbed the bath scrubby, loading it up with Bulgari shower gel. It was my secret. It made me feel close to Ranger. Morelli didn't know why I loved it. He said he didn't care for it much, but I still used it. I think deep down he knew why I loved it, why I used it sometimes, and that was why he hated it. I didn't use it all the time, but when I really felt like I missed Ranger, I'd take a bath and let his essence swirl around me. And cry. I always cried when I used it.

Tonight was no different. The tears flowed down my cheeks unchecked, and I couldn't help but wonder if it was right that I ache this much for one man and live with another? Be engaged to another? I knew it wasn't fair to Morelli. I had to do something. Had to fix this mess I found myself in. But what could I do? I could call Ranger's cell, but what if he didn't want to talk to me? What if he was gone because of me? Because of my engagement? I didn't think that was a pain I could bear. I'd rather miss him every day for the rest of my life than have him turn me away. But I had to find out. I had to call him. If he wouldn't answer, then I'd have to take bigger steps. I had to talk to him, and I'd find a way to make it happen.

I shut the water off just as the temp dropped a few degrees and wrapped a towel around my body and hair. I slipped into my most comfortable cotton undies, sweats, a black T-shirt, and a hooded sweatshirt and let my hair down, figure combing as way of styling it.

Teeth brushed, lotion lathered, I left the bathroom and went into Morelli's bedroom. My cell phone was downstairs in my handbag, so I quietly crept down the stairs and grabbed it, and just as quietly went back upstairs. I took my phone out and hit speed dial two. It went right to voicemail.

"Leave a message," Ranger's voice commanded.

My heart jumped at hearing his voice. It'd been way too long. I took a calming breath.

"Hi," I said my voice cracking. "I really need to talk to you. Will you call me when you get this message? Please."

I hung up the phone and dropped back on the bed. I lay there for a second when I heard somebody come through the bedroom door.

"Who were you just talking to?" Morelli asked, leaning against the doorframe.

My only instinct was to lie. I didn't think telling him I'd called Ranger would go over well. He was ecstatic that Ranger had been in the wind since our engagement.

"Mary Lou," I said, feeling a little guilty. "I was calling to see if I could come over. I need to talk to her."

"What's going on?"

I let out a sigh, sat up, and laid out the entire conversation between my mother and me, leaving out her reasons for telling me. I didn't think Morelli's acid reflux could take it.

Morelli pushed off from the doorframe and plopped down onto the bed next to me. "Wow," he said, taking my hand. "That's big."

That was an understatement.

"At least she waited until after Christmas to tell you. That would've ruined what turned out to be a perfect Christmas," Morelli said. "First one and many more to follow."

I had no response. Yes, Christmas was good, but it wasn't perfect, and frankly I'd rather been told ten years ago.

"What are your plans?" he asked me. "You aren't planning on looking this guy up are you?"

"I'm going to visit with Mary Lou for a bit while you boys watch your game. Maybe catch up with Lula if she's not off with Tank," I said, getting off the bed.

"You sure? I can send the guys home and we can talk about this," Morelli offered.

I felt guilt climb through me. What kind of horrible person was I? It wasn't that I didn't want to talk to Morelli about everything. Well maybe a little part of me didn't see the point in talking to him. He wouldn't be open to finding the man my mom conceived me with. My sperm donor wasn't Burg, and that would look really bad if I looked the guy up. But the other part of me really just needed and wanted to talk to Ranger. There was just something about talking to him that calmed me. Like he could fix anything. Well unless it was a food issue. Ranger sucked at food issues. He simply didn't understand the need for good food that was high in fat content.

"We'll talk later," I said, giving him a quick kiss before jumping off the bed, handbag swinging from my wrist. I jogged down the stairs, stuffed myself in my coat, and headed out the door.

I started the car up and paused for a moment, letting the car work on turning the frigid air coming out of the vents to warm. My cell phone was still in my hand as I looked down at it, willing it too ring, to let Ranger know how much I needed him. Nothing happened. I knew it wouldn't, but I still felt disappointed for some reason.

Taking a deep calming breath, I flipped my phone open and dialed Ranger's cell phone again. It went right to voice mail … again. I hung up and dialed his home number. The answering machine picked up after four rings. I left a brief message of, "Call me," and hung up. I dialed his pager and left my cell number as a call back. He'd either think I was desperate or hurt. It didn't matter to me what he thought, I just wanted him to call me back in the next two seconds.

Five minutes later I was still sitting in my car in Morelli's driveway. I didn't know what to do. If he was avoiding me, which didn't sound like Ranger at all, then I had to find a way to get him to talk to me. With that thought in my head I backed out of the driveway and turned my car to the direction of RangeMan.

I arrived fifteen minutes later and flashed my key fob at the gate, allowing me entrance to the underground parking. All of Ranger's cars were in their designated spots. A flash of anticipation shot through me. Was he back?

I pulled into an empty parking space and jumped out of my car. I'd only taken four steps when the elevator doors opened for Tank and Lester. We met in the middle of the parking garage.

"Hey there, beautiful," Lester said, slinging an arm around my shoulders. "How was your Christmas?"

"It was okay," I said, smiling at him.

"Just okay, huh."

I didn't respond and shifted my attention to Tank.

"You alright?" Tank asked me, watching me carefully.

"Yes," I said, and then let out a long sigh. "No. No I'm not."

"What's going on?" he asked.

Lester dropped his arms and looked at me, worry etched across his face.

"I need to talk to Ranger, Tank. Where can I find him?"

"He's in the wind, Steph."

Tank's face was blank, but I saw his eyebrows twitch slightly. Nothing for anybody that didn't know him. I knew he was contemplating calling at least four RangeMan to stand at my elbows in a matter of seconds.

"I'm not in danger, I just really need to talk to Ranger," I said, quickly. "Is there any way, Tank? Please."

He watched me for a moment, his eyes boring into mine. I didn't know what he was looking for, but in a matter of seconds he seemed to have come to a decision. He grabbed his cell from his hip and hit a number.

"When's the next flight to Miami?" he asked into the phone.

My stomach felt like it was freefalling. Miami? Had Ranger left because of me? I didn't want to show up on his doorstep if he'd left to get away from me. That wouldn't have a very pleasant ending.

"Book it for Steph," he said, ended the call, and immediately hit another number. "Go up to Ranger's apartment and pack everything that's up there that belongs to Steph. She's leaving for Miami in a few minutes. Bring it down to the garage."

My eyes must have given away my fear because Tank took two giant steps to me and braced his hands on both sides of my face. "I can tell how seriously you need to see him. Your flight leaves in less than two hours. If it's not as serious as I thought, tell me now."

I didn't say anything. Was it this serious? I knew I felt like it was this serious, but would he?

"Let me worry about Ranger, Steph?" Tank said, reading my thoughts.

"I need to see him," I whispered. "I just don't want him to be mad."

"He won't be mad," he said, equally soft. "Surprised, but not mad."

I nodded just as the elevator doors opened. Lester relieved Ella of the bag and met us at a RangeMan SUV. He opened the back door for me and handed me the bag before closing the door. And we were off. Tank driving and Lester riding shotgun. It all seemed to be happening so damn fast, but I couldn't help but smile. I'd be seeing Ranger in a few hours.