Title: Like Songs That Say Goodbye, written by Mitsi1819
Disclaimer: When I wrote this piece of fanfiction, I was inspired by a song. So inspired that I used it in the story and as the title. It's called 'Songs That Say Goodbye' by the amazing Schuyler Fisk. At the end of this One-Shot there a small note in which I used the parts of another song by Schuyler Fisk called 'The Good Stuff'. I don't own any of these songs, they are in no way mine. Neither is CSI:NY or any other thing you might recognize. So please don't sue, although I doubt you would get anything out of it. I need a job...
A/N: Many, many thanks to my Beta Loesje! Thank you ever so much! But since English is not mine or her first language, there might be some mistakes. I apologize for those…
I hope you will enjoy this story, and review it. Because I love getting words of approval or disapproval so I can change my style of writing. So if you feel like this story was no good, please tell me why you thought so!
The door closed behind her. She turned around again. The clicking noise that it made when the lock was turned made her wince. She bit her lip and bent down. When her hand touched the cold leather handle of her suitcase, a shiver went up through her body. With a deep breath she tried to calm her nerves, but she didn't succeed. Her hands still shook, her breathing was still labored. She shook the strands of her short brown hair out of her eyes. She closed those brown orbs for a moment; remembering.
After what felt like an eternity she opened them again and stood up straight. In her left hand she the handle of her suitcase, in her right her house keys. The house keys went through the mail slot and with a muffled thud landed on the doormat. Next was a note saying that she had left him. She looked at the handwritten note once again. It was informal. Maybe even a bit strange.
She didn't like goodbye's. Long, short or medium ones. She just didn't like goodbye's. She was worthless at them, anyway. She always doubted her decisions while she was saying them. And it took her a long time to even reach a decision. Always making mental-lists, weighing the pro's against the con's. It took her a long, long time to reach her final answer.
But, as she reminded herself, this was a good decision. A great one actually. Still, she wondered.
Flashes of memories flew by. Her 28th birthday; he threw her a surprise party. Valentine's day that same year; he went out of his way to make it the most beautiful one she ever had. Times when she was ill; he would take care of her. When her job was giving her hell; he would listen to her, no matter how long she would continue talking. When she was feeling blue; he would hold her all night long, whispering words of comfort. She smiled at all of those memories. They made her feel cherished, loved and above all, save.
Yet, here she stood. In front of the door she had just closed and locked, suitcase in her hand and her keys along with the goodbye note on the doormat on the other side.
She shook her head once again, and looked determined. She felt determined. The little voices in her head were set on the 'mute'- function. She nodded and turned around. She never looked back. He might have been perfect. No, not might have been; he was perfect. Just not for her…
0o0o0
Sometimes she would think about him. According to her mother he had found true love. He had married her. It made her feel a pang of regret, jealousy and sadness. She could have had all of that! Right? She didn't know. Those times made her wonder if she had made the right decision. Leaving Montana to come to New York, it had been one hell of a step. Was it worth it? But one look across a crime scene, the lab or 'her' office would make her forget about him and all of her doubts.
She loved the little banters they had. The never stopping flirtations, even when they were so out of place. She loved the city that never sleeps. The people might be cruel, hurried and not so friendly, but they grew on you. And she felt truly at home at her work. The people she worked with were in one word awesome.
But when she was alone at night, she felt truly lonely. There was no-one there to hold her when she got the blues. No-one there to comfort her. Danny? Well, she hoped that maybe in the future he could be the one. But not right now. She still had too much unfinished business…
0o0o0
It was one of those nights again. One of these nights when she got the blues. And no-one was there to hold her. Her only comfort was the soft sound of rain ticking against her window. She sat up in bed, and leaned her head against the headboard. Again she wondered if she had made the right decision. It seemed like lately all she did was wonder. What would have happened if she had not left him? Would they have married? Would she have given birth to his child? Children? And that annoying question popped up again in her head: had it all been worth it?
She looked around her flat. The small space she had was sparsely decorated. One might have thought that she had just moved in. Nothing was more incorrect; she had been living here for over a year.
A soft knock on her front door, woke her up completely. Her curiosity getting the best of her, she donned her bathrobe on and padded on bare feet to the front door.
With trembling hands she touched the cold metal doorknob. She had no peephole to take a peek through. So she opened the door ever so little. Her hart melted at the sight…
There he stood. Her knight in, well, wet leather. He was soaked through and through. His hair was plastered on his head. When she finally invited him in, she could hear the water sloshing around in his shoes. She was at loss for words.
He looked up at her, and spoke with a voice filled with true compassion, love and tenderness:
"You looked so sad when you went home. I thought…" He never got to finish his sentence. Because she had thrown her arms around him and kissed him. Like crazy…
0o0o0
Standing in front of a swing, she smiled. He pushed his, no their, son high up in the air and then he switched to their other boy. She felt the letter burn in her pocket…
That same night, as he crawled into bed next to her, she started to cry. And she couldn't stop. Years and years of doubting herself come pouring out. How she had doubted herself as a young girl and teenager (Was she bright enough to go to college? Did she look good enough to be someone's girlfriend? Did her friends truly like her?) How she had doubted herself all the way through college. How she had doubted her feelings for him. How she doubted whether she should leave him. How she doubted whether she would fit in with her new job. And how she doubted her feelings towards her new love.
And he held her. Just like he had promised in the eyes of all the 'dearly beloved gathered here today' that day they both stood at the end of the aisle.
With trembling hands she handed him the letter her ex had sent. All the way from Montana. How he got their address, was for Danny a mystery. But, it had probably something to do with his mother-in-law.
Lindsay asked whether he could read the letter out loud. He said he would do anything for her.
When he opened the envelope, a folded, used looking note fell out. It was written in Lindsay's handwriting. Danny started to read;
Standing at your door just as nervous as the first time,
And you greet me with a kiss.
How could you know I don't feel right?
I wish there was a way I could have warned you,
Wish that there was a way to say this,
These words are heavy on my mind,
Like songs that say goodbye.
And how could I explain that you did everything the right way?
You made me feel save, and you made me want to say things I could never say.
Wish I didn't have to watch you fall,
Wish this wouldn't hurt at all,
Wish that there was an easy way to say this.
These words are heavy on my mind,
Like songs that say goodbye.
And I don't want to take it back,
The time we had,
I got no regrets.
But I don't want to wonder if we should have been,
Could have been,
Might have been.
I didn't want to break you,
Like songs that say goodbye…
Once Danny was finished, his wife had calmed down a bit. When he shot her a look full of questions, and she had answered all of them. This was the note she had left him, six years ago. They had been together for 3 years. He had loved her, and she had really liked him. But there had been something missing…
That missing thing she had now found. Danny smiled. She laid her head on his shoulder. He looked in the envelope and got out the letter that was written by Lindsay's ex. But again; it was not really a letter, more of a note. Danny read it out loud;
Lindsay,
I swear I saw some flowers by the freeway…
Just some rain to go to sleep to…
Things are always better in the morning…
There's still enough of the good stuff to go around…
I found happiness, and by the address I'm writing to, I think you have too. Thank you.
Lindsay smiled. She snuggled closer to her husband and inhaled his own sweet fragrance. He softly threw the covers over him and his dozing wife. She opened her eyes once again, when she felt him lying beside her staring at her.
"I love you, Montana." His voice was betraying his need for some rest.
"I love you too, Cowboy."
And with that both of the CSI's fell into a deep sleep. Only to be woken in the early morning by two bouncing twin boys, who were demanding that 'Mommy or Daddy would please put the DVD into the DVD-player, because they couldn't reach it.'