DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN FF7 OR ANY OF ITS CHARACTERS
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I'M NOT STICKING PARTICULARLY FAITHFULLY TO THE ACTUAL LAYOUT OF THE SHINRA MANSION, COS I CAN'T REMEMBER IT, AND CAN'T BE BOTHERED PLAYING THE GAME AGAIN TO FIND OUT. A/N 2: Apologies if this story isn't actually very funny, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. I got the idea from one of those frustrating dreams where you want to be alone with a girl/guy, but people keep popping up no matter where you go to try and be on your own.
Cloud Strife sighed and stared out across the main hall of the Shinra Mansion in Nibelheim. It was a week after the defeat of Sephiroth and destruction of Meteor, and they'd finally managed to get everybody together to celebrate. He had sent out invitations to just about everybody he knew, across the length and breadth of the Planet, Tifa had prepared food for the party, while Cid, Barret and Vincent had been working flat out to dress up the place. Now their hard work was being put to good use as everybody was having the time of their lives. Vincent and Red XIII were sitting in a shady corner, huddled together discussing something highly deep and mysterious. Yuffie was sneaking around the room, stealing wads of cash from the pockets of wealthy bankers and businessmen when they weren't looking. Cid was swinging from one of the chandeliers, happily waving a bottle of whisky, and belting out a song about his first love. Barret was at the front door, acting as a doorman, refusing entry to anyone under-age or excessively drunk. Cait Sith, being controlled by Reeve who had been too busy to attend, was in a corner telling dubious fortunes for a million gil a time. The music was being provided by the Highwind's flight crew, who in their spare time were a highly ambitious rock and roll band. Cloud glanced over at Tifa. She returned his glance, and flashed him a smile. He felt his heart give a flutter, and he realised he had to tell Tifa of his feelings for her. It was best to do it as quickly as possible, before they could go their separate ways and lose touch with each other. But not here, in the middle of the party. They had to find somewhere quiet where he could open his heart to her. Jumping back to avoid Reno of the Turks, who was running about with just his boxer shorts on, being chased by an irate Barret, Cloud walked over to where Tifa was standing.
"Tifa?" he exclaimed over the noise of the music. "Can I talk to you for a second?"
She nodded, and he indicated the door to their right. Both of them walked through, the noise fading away as he closed the door behind them. The room was empty save for the crates of beer and food stacked against the wall, in case the food in the main room ran out.
"What's on your mind?" she asked.
Cloud took her hands and stepped closer, gazing down into her eyes. Those twin crimson pools in which he so often lost himself.
"Tifa - I - I - "
He was cut off as the door behind him was noisily thrown open, Reno bursting through, giggling like a little girl, having lost his boxers and with just a folded-up tablecloth to cover his modesty. Barret, yelling threats and obscenities at the top of his voice, was close behind, clipping the Missing Score into place on his prosthetic arm. Reno screamed with high- pitched laughter as Barret tripped over a stray beer bottle and landed flat on his face. Dropping the tablecloth, Reno jumped on to some crates and pushed open the window, trying to climb out. Barret tried to follow but the crates failed to hold his heavier frame and he fell on to his backside again. Cloud and Tifa discreetly left the room, taking the staircase to the next floor.
"Whoa, Reno naked," Tifa gasped. "That's not something I want to see again for a while."
"Here, the bedrooms should be empty," said Cloud. "I just need a couple of minutes to tell you something."
They went into the master bedroom and Tifa turned round to look at him expectantly. Her face, her eyes, her perfect figure, everything about her mesmerised Cloud.
"Tifa," he began nervously. "I - I don't know how to say this, but - "
All of a sudden there came a groan, and the sound of wood tearing. Bewildered, Cloud and Tifa both looked around for the source of the noise. It was definitely inside the room somewhere.
"Look!" said Tifa, pointing to the heavy oak wardrobe that stood by the window. "Someone's inside!"
There came more thuds from inside the wardrobe and with a ripping sound one of the wooden doors was torn from its hinges. From inside the wardrobe Rufus stumbled, knocking his head on the door frame, yelping in pain and falling forwards.
"President Rufus!" Tifa exclaimed, as the white-clad man got to his feet. "Um - aren't you dead?"
"Ow - long story," Rufus groaned, holding his head. "When I catch the idiot who locked me in there - "
He stood up straighter and his eyes focussed on Cloud.
"Strife!" he yelled. "Did you lock me in that closet?"
"No," said Cloud indignantly. "And I don't recall inviting you to my party either!"
"Ha, Reeve invited me. Well, when I say 'invited', he was under threat of losing his job at Shinra if he didn't," said Rufus, grinning evilly and folding his arms. "Now, which way to the drinks?"
"Downstairs," Tifa said.
Rufus left the room, still clutching his head. Cloud breathed a sigh of relief. Now they were alone once more, he could tell Tifa how he felt about her. He opened his mouth to speak, when the door crashed open again and two people, entangled in each other's arms and laughing giddily, made their way over to the bed and began kissing.
"That's Mayor Domino," said Tifa. "And who's that with him, in the red dress?"
"Scarlet," Cloud scowled. "Isn't she dead?"
"Long story!" Scarlet said, overhearing.
Cloud shrugged, "I guess she must have survived too. Tifa, I don't think we want to witness this. Let's go somewhere else."
"The attic," Tifa suggested. "Nobody EVER goes up there."
So they left the bedroom and went upstairs to the attic. Cloud closed the only door and propped a heavy chair behind it to stop anyone coming in and surprising them.
"Heh," he said to himself. "I'd like to see somebody stop me now."
"It's cold up here," said Tifa, rubbing her bare arms. "Cloud, whatever you want to say to me, make it quick."
"Okay, sure, I'll get straight to the point," said Cloud. "Ever since I joined Avalanche, I - "
There was an insane warbling noise from behind him, and he ducked to avoid a gaggle of the pumpkin-like Dorky Faces.
"AARGH," he growled angrily. "This part of the mansion is still haunted!"
Cloud grabbed Ultima Weapon from its permanent place on his back. He took it everywhere: to the shops, to the toilet, to church. Unfortunately it was too sharp for him to sleep with - he was toying with the idea of getting a velvet-lined sheath for the sword so that he could truly have it beside him at all times - but anyway - While he had been daydreaming about his weapon, one of the Dorky Faces had tried to cast Funny Breath, the spell that cast Confu on all enemies. As Tifa and Cloud were both equipped with Ribbons, this had no effect, and a few swipes with Ultima Weapon was enough to end the Dorky Faces' brief appearance.
"Thank &*£$ for that," Cloud swore uncharacteristically. "I HATE those damn things. At least they're gone now. If I'm lucky, I'll never have to look at another one again."
Predictably enough, that was the cue for a dusty old wooden chest to spring open, and a veritable avalanche of Dorky Faces to stream out, flying straight towards him. Cloud screamed with frustration. All he wanted was a few minutes alone with Tifa, to tell her he loved her. A few minutes? Was that too much to ask?!? The door was blocked and too far away, and he really couldn't be bothered fighting the pumpkins, so Cloud smashed one of the windows with his sword, and he and Tifa leapt out on to balcony a floor below. Endless numbers of Dorky Faces cascaded down from the attic window, bombarding them with thoroughly ineffectual Funny Breath. Cloud vaulted the balcony edge to land safely on the grass outside the Mansion. Tifa soon joined him, and they fled across the gardens to where Barret's daughter Marlene was playing with the rest of the guests' children, under the care of Elmyra and Rude.
"Uncle Wude, do you wanna play ball?" said a little girl of maybe 5 years old, holding out a small basketball to Rude.
"." said Rude, adjusting his sunglasses, and hoping the child would give up and leave him alone.
"Rude, what are you doing babysitting?" said Tifa. "I thought you'd be inside enjoying the party."
"." said Rude, sighing miserably. "I lost a bet with Reno, and this was the wager. If he won, I had to baby-sit the children. If I won, he had to run around the party hall naked."
"He's doing that anyway," Cloud sighed, shaking his head.
By this time the Dorky Faces had caught up with them, and they once more began casting Funny Breath relentlessly.
"Oh, wook at da funny wittle pumpkies!!" the little girl with the basketball squealed.
She dropped the basketball and clutched one of the Dorky Faces with both arms, hugging it tightly. The floating pumpkin struggled furiously in an attempt to escape, but its strength was no match for that of a child determined to hang on to her new toy. Soon the other children saw what she had and became jealous. If she was allowed a cute floating pumpkin, they ALL wanted one. This was the cue for all the kids to drop what they were doing, and begin chasing after the Dorky Faces. The terrified pumpkins began to flee back towards the attic window. Cloud and Tifa took advantage of the intervention to duck into the shade of the nearby willow trees. They walked on for a few moments until they were out of sight of the house.
"Well," said Tifa, as they sat at the base of a tree together. "I guess you can tell me now whatever it is you want to tell me."
"At last," said Cloud, sighing with relief. "Okay, it's like this - "
"Cloud! Tifa!" came a voice from behind them.
Astonished, they turned to see Aeris hugging a nearby tree.
"AAARRGGHH!!" Cloud and Tifa screamed in unison. "YOU'RE DEAD!!!"
"No, no, I'm alive. It's a long story," Aeris began.
"No, no way!" Cloud yelled. "Rufus, Scarlet maybe, but you're DEAD. We saw it happen!!"
Clutching each other in terror, he and Tifa bolted away among the trees.
"Heh, heh, heh," 'Aeris' removed her mask and shrugged off the pink dress to reveal a familiar figure in black, with silver hair and emerald eyes.
"My disguise worked," Sephiroth chuckled to himself. "Now to infiltrate the party and kill the members of Avalanche, one by one - what the hell?!?!??"
He whirled round to see a mass of pumpkins floating towards him. The Dorky Faces flew past him to reveal the horde of energetic young children in pursuit.
"NOOOOOO!!" Sephiroth screamed. "Not CHILDREN! Icons of pure innocence and life! My worst nightmare!"
He turned tail and joined the Dorky Faces in their quest to escape.
Cloud and Tifa sought refuge in the shadow of the Highwind. There didn't seem to be anybody around, but Cloud had to make sure. He didn't want to be interrupted again. Carefully checking the surrounding area, he was reassured that there was nobody around.
"Tifa," he said. "When we were children, we didn't really have any feelings for each other, apart from simple friendship, right?"
"Uh - I guess so," she said uncertainly, not quite sure where this was leading.
"I thought about you a lot while I was in SOLDIER - I mean while I was away," said Cloud. "And now that we're back together again - "
"HEY BOY!!" a voice interrupted him.
"YAAAAHHH!!!" Cloud nearly leapt out of his skin.
Dio stood over them, clad as usual in an extremely brief pair of briefs. He thrust out his chest and flexed his biceps, "Boy, do we have a lot to catch up on! I have a thousand and one stories to tell you! I don't even know where to begin! Oh, here's one, you'll love this story. It's about me going to the shops! It starts off last Wednesday, when I realised I was out of massage oil - "
"LOOK BEHIND YOU - A THREE HEADED CHOCOBO!!" Cloud yelled.
"Mum? Where?" Dio gasped, whirling around.
Cloud grabbed Tifa by the hand and bolted for the Highwind's rope ladder. Dio saw them go and began pursuit, "Hey, don't run away, boy! There's SOOOO many things I've still got to tell you!!"
Cloud and Tifa climbed up on to the Highwind's deck, and quickly yanked the rope ladder out of Dio's reach. Dio made a despairing leap and grabbed on to the last rung. Slowly, inexorably, he began clawing his way up towards them. . . . . .
A/N 3: this wasn't meant to be chaptered but it's late and I'm off to bed - will write more soon. Hope y'all enjoy!
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I'M NOT STICKING PARTICULARLY FAITHFULLY TO THE ACTUAL LAYOUT OF THE SHINRA MANSION, COS I CAN'T REMEMBER IT, AND CAN'T BE BOTHERED PLAYING THE GAME AGAIN TO FIND OUT. A/N 2: Apologies if this story isn't actually very funny, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. I got the idea from one of those frustrating dreams where you want to be alone with a girl/guy, but people keep popping up no matter where you go to try and be on your own.
Cloud Strife sighed and stared out across the main hall of the Shinra Mansion in Nibelheim. It was a week after the defeat of Sephiroth and destruction of Meteor, and they'd finally managed to get everybody together to celebrate. He had sent out invitations to just about everybody he knew, across the length and breadth of the Planet, Tifa had prepared food for the party, while Cid, Barret and Vincent had been working flat out to dress up the place. Now their hard work was being put to good use as everybody was having the time of their lives. Vincent and Red XIII were sitting in a shady corner, huddled together discussing something highly deep and mysterious. Yuffie was sneaking around the room, stealing wads of cash from the pockets of wealthy bankers and businessmen when they weren't looking. Cid was swinging from one of the chandeliers, happily waving a bottle of whisky, and belting out a song about his first love. Barret was at the front door, acting as a doorman, refusing entry to anyone under-age or excessively drunk. Cait Sith, being controlled by Reeve who had been too busy to attend, was in a corner telling dubious fortunes for a million gil a time. The music was being provided by the Highwind's flight crew, who in their spare time were a highly ambitious rock and roll band. Cloud glanced over at Tifa. She returned his glance, and flashed him a smile. He felt his heart give a flutter, and he realised he had to tell Tifa of his feelings for her. It was best to do it as quickly as possible, before they could go their separate ways and lose touch with each other. But not here, in the middle of the party. They had to find somewhere quiet where he could open his heart to her. Jumping back to avoid Reno of the Turks, who was running about with just his boxer shorts on, being chased by an irate Barret, Cloud walked over to where Tifa was standing.
"Tifa?" he exclaimed over the noise of the music. "Can I talk to you for a second?"
She nodded, and he indicated the door to their right. Both of them walked through, the noise fading away as he closed the door behind them. The room was empty save for the crates of beer and food stacked against the wall, in case the food in the main room ran out.
"What's on your mind?" she asked.
Cloud took her hands and stepped closer, gazing down into her eyes. Those twin crimson pools in which he so often lost himself.
"Tifa - I - I - "
He was cut off as the door behind him was noisily thrown open, Reno bursting through, giggling like a little girl, having lost his boxers and with just a folded-up tablecloth to cover his modesty. Barret, yelling threats and obscenities at the top of his voice, was close behind, clipping the Missing Score into place on his prosthetic arm. Reno screamed with high- pitched laughter as Barret tripped over a stray beer bottle and landed flat on his face. Dropping the tablecloth, Reno jumped on to some crates and pushed open the window, trying to climb out. Barret tried to follow but the crates failed to hold his heavier frame and he fell on to his backside again. Cloud and Tifa discreetly left the room, taking the staircase to the next floor.
"Whoa, Reno naked," Tifa gasped. "That's not something I want to see again for a while."
"Here, the bedrooms should be empty," said Cloud. "I just need a couple of minutes to tell you something."
They went into the master bedroom and Tifa turned round to look at him expectantly. Her face, her eyes, her perfect figure, everything about her mesmerised Cloud.
"Tifa," he began nervously. "I - I don't know how to say this, but - "
All of a sudden there came a groan, and the sound of wood tearing. Bewildered, Cloud and Tifa both looked around for the source of the noise. It was definitely inside the room somewhere.
"Look!" said Tifa, pointing to the heavy oak wardrobe that stood by the window. "Someone's inside!"
There came more thuds from inside the wardrobe and with a ripping sound one of the wooden doors was torn from its hinges. From inside the wardrobe Rufus stumbled, knocking his head on the door frame, yelping in pain and falling forwards.
"President Rufus!" Tifa exclaimed, as the white-clad man got to his feet. "Um - aren't you dead?"
"Ow - long story," Rufus groaned, holding his head. "When I catch the idiot who locked me in there - "
He stood up straighter and his eyes focussed on Cloud.
"Strife!" he yelled. "Did you lock me in that closet?"
"No," said Cloud indignantly. "And I don't recall inviting you to my party either!"
"Ha, Reeve invited me. Well, when I say 'invited', he was under threat of losing his job at Shinra if he didn't," said Rufus, grinning evilly and folding his arms. "Now, which way to the drinks?"
"Downstairs," Tifa said.
Rufus left the room, still clutching his head. Cloud breathed a sigh of relief. Now they were alone once more, he could tell Tifa how he felt about her. He opened his mouth to speak, when the door crashed open again and two people, entangled in each other's arms and laughing giddily, made their way over to the bed and began kissing.
"That's Mayor Domino," said Tifa. "And who's that with him, in the red dress?"
"Scarlet," Cloud scowled. "Isn't she dead?"
"Long story!" Scarlet said, overhearing.
Cloud shrugged, "I guess she must have survived too. Tifa, I don't think we want to witness this. Let's go somewhere else."
"The attic," Tifa suggested. "Nobody EVER goes up there."
So they left the bedroom and went upstairs to the attic. Cloud closed the only door and propped a heavy chair behind it to stop anyone coming in and surprising them.
"Heh," he said to himself. "I'd like to see somebody stop me now."
"It's cold up here," said Tifa, rubbing her bare arms. "Cloud, whatever you want to say to me, make it quick."
"Okay, sure, I'll get straight to the point," said Cloud. "Ever since I joined Avalanche, I - "
There was an insane warbling noise from behind him, and he ducked to avoid a gaggle of the pumpkin-like Dorky Faces.
"AARGH," he growled angrily. "This part of the mansion is still haunted!"
Cloud grabbed Ultima Weapon from its permanent place on his back. He took it everywhere: to the shops, to the toilet, to church. Unfortunately it was too sharp for him to sleep with - he was toying with the idea of getting a velvet-lined sheath for the sword so that he could truly have it beside him at all times - but anyway - While he had been daydreaming about his weapon, one of the Dorky Faces had tried to cast Funny Breath, the spell that cast Confu on all enemies. As Tifa and Cloud were both equipped with Ribbons, this had no effect, and a few swipes with Ultima Weapon was enough to end the Dorky Faces' brief appearance.
"Thank &*£$ for that," Cloud swore uncharacteristically. "I HATE those damn things. At least they're gone now. If I'm lucky, I'll never have to look at another one again."
Predictably enough, that was the cue for a dusty old wooden chest to spring open, and a veritable avalanche of Dorky Faces to stream out, flying straight towards him. Cloud screamed with frustration. All he wanted was a few minutes alone with Tifa, to tell her he loved her. A few minutes? Was that too much to ask?!? The door was blocked and too far away, and he really couldn't be bothered fighting the pumpkins, so Cloud smashed one of the windows with his sword, and he and Tifa leapt out on to balcony a floor below. Endless numbers of Dorky Faces cascaded down from the attic window, bombarding them with thoroughly ineffectual Funny Breath. Cloud vaulted the balcony edge to land safely on the grass outside the Mansion. Tifa soon joined him, and they fled across the gardens to where Barret's daughter Marlene was playing with the rest of the guests' children, under the care of Elmyra and Rude.
"Uncle Wude, do you wanna play ball?" said a little girl of maybe 5 years old, holding out a small basketball to Rude.
"." said Rude, adjusting his sunglasses, and hoping the child would give up and leave him alone.
"Rude, what are you doing babysitting?" said Tifa. "I thought you'd be inside enjoying the party."
"." said Rude, sighing miserably. "I lost a bet with Reno, and this was the wager. If he won, I had to baby-sit the children. If I won, he had to run around the party hall naked."
"He's doing that anyway," Cloud sighed, shaking his head.
By this time the Dorky Faces had caught up with them, and they once more began casting Funny Breath relentlessly.
"Oh, wook at da funny wittle pumpkies!!" the little girl with the basketball squealed.
She dropped the basketball and clutched one of the Dorky Faces with both arms, hugging it tightly. The floating pumpkin struggled furiously in an attempt to escape, but its strength was no match for that of a child determined to hang on to her new toy. Soon the other children saw what she had and became jealous. If she was allowed a cute floating pumpkin, they ALL wanted one. This was the cue for all the kids to drop what they were doing, and begin chasing after the Dorky Faces. The terrified pumpkins began to flee back towards the attic window. Cloud and Tifa took advantage of the intervention to duck into the shade of the nearby willow trees. They walked on for a few moments until they were out of sight of the house.
"Well," said Tifa, as they sat at the base of a tree together. "I guess you can tell me now whatever it is you want to tell me."
"At last," said Cloud, sighing with relief. "Okay, it's like this - "
"Cloud! Tifa!" came a voice from behind them.
Astonished, they turned to see Aeris hugging a nearby tree.
"AAARRGGHH!!" Cloud and Tifa screamed in unison. "YOU'RE DEAD!!!"
"No, no, I'm alive. It's a long story," Aeris began.
"No, no way!" Cloud yelled. "Rufus, Scarlet maybe, but you're DEAD. We saw it happen!!"
Clutching each other in terror, he and Tifa bolted away among the trees.
"Heh, heh, heh," 'Aeris' removed her mask and shrugged off the pink dress to reveal a familiar figure in black, with silver hair and emerald eyes.
"My disguise worked," Sephiroth chuckled to himself. "Now to infiltrate the party and kill the members of Avalanche, one by one - what the hell?!?!??"
He whirled round to see a mass of pumpkins floating towards him. The Dorky Faces flew past him to reveal the horde of energetic young children in pursuit.
"NOOOOOO!!" Sephiroth screamed. "Not CHILDREN! Icons of pure innocence and life! My worst nightmare!"
He turned tail and joined the Dorky Faces in their quest to escape.
Cloud and Tifa sought refuge in the shadow of the Highwind. There didn't seem to be anybody around, but Cloud had to make sure. He didn't want to be interrupted again. Carefully checking the surrounding area, he was reassured that there was nobody around.
"Tifa," he said. "When we were children, we didn't really have any feelings for each other, apart from simple friendship, right?"
"Uh - I guess so," she said uncertainly, not quite sure where this was leading.
"I thought about you a lot while I was in SOLDIER - I mean while I was away," said Cloud. "And now that we're back together again - "
"HEY BOY!!" a voice interrupted him.
"YAAAAHHH!!!" Cloud nearly leapt out of his skin.
Dio stood over them, clad as usual in an extremely brief pair of briefs. He thrust out his chest and flexed his biceps, "Boy, do we have a lot to catch up on! I have a thousand and one stories to tell you! I don't even know where to begin! Oh, here's one, you'll love this story. It's about me going to the shops! It starts off last Wednesday, when I realised I was out of massage oil - "
"LOOK BEHIND YOU - A THREE HEADED CHOCOBO!!" Cloud yelled.
"Mum? Where?" Dio gasped, whirling around.
Cloud grabbed Tifa by the hand and bolted for the Highwind's rope ladder. Dio saw them go and began pursuit, "Hey, don't run away, boy! There's SOOOO many things I've still got to tell you!!"
Cloud and Tifa climbed up on to the Highwind's deck, and quickly yanked the rope ladder out of Dio's reach. Dio made a despairing leap and grabbed on to the last rung. Slowly, inexorably, he began clawing his way up towards them. . . . . .
A/N 3: this wasn't meant to be chaptered but it's late and I'm off to bed - will write more soon. Hope y'all enjoy!