Summary: "Haru and Rin have a terrible falling out, and it almost costs them their friendship, if not for Haru's quick thinking."
Disclaimer: We do not own Free! Iwatobi Swim Club, or its characters.
Warning: Crack. In every possible sense of the word.
Please approach this story with an open mind.
(co-written by kyuu-san and ochan)

Haru had always considered himself a man of many talents.

He could cook mackerel in more than twenty three different methods; he could hold his breath for 5 minutes and 37 seconds exactly; he could soak in his bathtub for as long as three days and still have flawless, perfect skin afterwards and much more. Haru doesnt quite know where this is going, he just wanted to list some of his many talents.

iN a house very far from haru's yet quite near a vending machine , Rin stood staring out of his window , his face was so fuking pressed against the glass that nitori got scared rin was turning to a flat faced shark.

OH hoOW RIN LOATHED TURNing to a flat faced shark.

"Oh rincha" the little voice that haunted rins brain said " ur so frickkin disgusted by haru. ur even more disgusted by haru being a man. He's totally steaing ur thing , rincha"

RINCHA VIOLENTLY ROARED but it was so muffled that nitori who was staring at rins back wtfed.

Rins mind wandered to that one time he was swimming in the secret pool he placed under nitoris bed and nitori put his bed on him and slept. Rin bubbled.

Haru stood outside rin's dorm room in his bath towel, dripping all over the carpets, because how dare rin suddenly steal the storyline from him. he made a disgusted noise as he heard rin bubble, his ears pressed to the door. rin was gross

as haru contemplated opening the door and telling rin off for stealing his screentime, footsteps sounded down the hall and someone tripped over haru as he crouched stealthily on the floor

haru wrapped himself tighter in his towel. "do you mind?" he said to the mess of limbs on the floor aghast, "can't you see i'm plotting"

haru crouched further down, pulling his towel a little with him and the kid had a minor heart attack

Rins eyes widened as his watery pinkish eyeballs fell upon a shape. NO ITS A FIGURE. A NAKED FIGURE. "I HAVE SEEN THAT NAKEDNESS BEFORE!" Rin exclaimed and flailed his arms running around nitori and smashing things on his way , he smashed the ceiling fan because his arms got insanely slenderman long , HE SMASHED NITORIS BED. NITORI WILL HAVE TO SLEEP IN BATHTUB , RIN SMASHES ALOT.

"OH HARU , U DROPPIN YO WATER ON MI PORCH , U DROPIIN WATER ON MI SHARK TAIL" thats what rinay calls his ponrch. Rin took another quickass glance out of the window and narrowed his eyes till he got very kawai liney black lineys for eyeses "u droppin boys on mi shark tail" rin decided to go down and TAKE THIS OUTSIDE. smell some air and shit good for the hair.

Haru stopped plotting and looked confused because for a second he was sure there had been a door there. but now rin could see him and his plan was ruined and what kind of black magic was this

haru tied his towel in a firm not because this was going to get intense. he vaguely registered rin's roommate crawling out of the room and joining the terrified kid in the hallway. "hey," the kid said. "come here often?"

and nitori did. because it was his dorm.

haru stomped into the door-less room and looked rin in the eye, not hearing a word he said because haru could be selectively deaf when it came to rin. but he heard something about boys and a shark tail, and needing to smell some air. "dont you talk to me like that," haru threatened, pulling on his towel for good measure

nitori and the kid crawled away in search of authoritative figures to persuade haru to maybe put some clothes on

"PREPARE TO FIGHT"

Little did haru know that rin was opening his mouth and closing it in fish manner cuz he thought thats how haru breathes and didntwant him to feel left out but when he saw haru droppin live. oh he was glad he was allowed such site without money cuz nitori wouldnt lend him cuz he had to get his weird bangs removed. Rin decided to get this settled , HE WAS DONEBEIng LIke LIKE THAT. OK , TO HARU , TO NIRTORU .

rIN Walked toward s haru in slo mow. really slo. his eyes still very kwai , oh he wished the red haired guy wiould see this. he grabbed haru by the eyelash and dragged him outside , he was enjoying the haru feel , he felt so dominant . HE ,JUST THEN , THREW HARU AT THE VENDING MACHINE. "DRINK ? NAKED BOY U WAN DRINK wi me , look dtoday , its not mi day today , its not rin day , nope"

Rin did weird dance move as he said his own name it creeped a nitori out he wtfed and rin elbowed haru because harus angles were just so.

hair fresheningdingdongwingwong

haru screamed because ow his eyelash, dammit rin he only has one. he rubbed his head because it had hit the vending machine, and glared hard at rin because that's not how you treat a main character

he hoped rins hair would fall off

but then haru remembered all of the fun times they had together as children. and he remembered rin's "sight" which he still wasn't exactly sure of but he didn't want to risk never seeing it again

"i dont wanna risk never seeing it again" haru said, and a tear fell down his cheek accompanying the drops of water still dripping from his hair. that was weird. how was he not dry by now

haru had to fix everything. he couldn't risk losing his longtime friend

so haru stuck his hand in the vending machine, ignoring the cries of "ARE YOU MAD, MAN" and the gross sobbing coming from the general direction of nitori and the unnamed kid. haru was willing to risk his life to save their friendship

he pulled his hand back out, it was bloodied and broken in several places because a vending machine is a complicated thing and you don't just stick your hand up there willy nilly

in haru's hand was a can of bulldog

he offered the can to rin (using his other hand) as a gesture of peace, hoping to end this feud once and for all

rin quietly stared at harucha's hand that was holding bulldog cuz the other hand just made him sick .

"Harucha." rin said in a very considerate voice trying not to make the sharpness of his vocal chords hurt his haruchan's can again. Rinny's fingers slipped around the can and even considered to adopt it for he had never touched anything so affectionately. but then with a turn of events rin smashed the can to harus head and started laughing hysterically "HARUCHAN? MORE LIKE HARUCAN. AHHAHA AHAHUEHUEHUEHEHHA"

OH HOW RINA LOVED HARU CHA he JUST WANTED TO SMASH STUFF ON HIS HEAD FOREVER. HE WANTED TO MAKE BAD WAS LIKE A STRAY SHARK. and he knew harucha loved it.

rins laughing came to a halt and he said between drunk hiccups "WAI DO YUUU THINK I PLAANT ED DIS VENDING SMCHINE huehuehue"

haru could not answer, but he knew rin probably understood that this was a result of his concussion, and would not be mad.

he dozed off to the sound of nitori frantically dialling 911, and rin's infectuous laughter – that was sort of soothing – and haru paid no mind to slight buzzing in the back of his head and the way his vision began to go dark. he was just happy to have reconciled with rin again

sirens sounded in the distance and haru's towel flew into the wind, forgotten, as haru let sleep take over, sure that once he awoke he and rin would go back to being best friends and they would all live happily ever after

the end