A/N Spoiler alert for anyone who hasn't seen season 4! Do not read if you are not up to date on US airings. I am up to SN04.10. I am not spoiled after that and don't want to hear anything spoilery either! This is just my take on what might have happened after a certain conversation. ..
Sam was choked with emotion but it didn't matter, he had no idea what to say to his brother. Dean was doing what he always did – destroying himself with guilt. This was Dean's way. When their dad had sacrificed himself for Dean, the same thing had happened – a spiral of self-destructive behaviour – and finally, when he simply couldn't take it anymore – a slipping away of all the bravado and pretence. Dean cried. Just like before, sitting on the bonnet of his beloved Impala – Dean broke.
There was something about Dean crying that created a sense of total panic in Sam. If Dean was crying then things were about as bad – as hopeless - as they could be.
***
Dean had a limit. He could fake it better and for longer than anyone. But this? This was killing him. Only if it did, it meant he would go straight back there, so death was not an option. He had to pull himself together. He had to stay alive, because going back there? No. He had to be good. He had to obey – whoever, whatever Castiel was, he could send him back. But that was okay. Because obeying orders? Absolutely! No problem!
Only there was a problem. Some of Castiel's orders seemed wrong, and he had disobeyed… and now… and now… was he going back? There?
***
Sam nudged his elbow. Dean didn't look at him and they both knew Sam understood.
"C'mon dude – gimme the keys - I feel like driving – and yes you still get to pick the music. Though ya know, that is a totally unfair rule and you really haven't given …."
Dean quirked half a smile, and while Sam was busy yapping about some girly band or other, he swiped away the tears with his sleeve. Sam would notice of course. Sam would probably use it later.
***
Sam didn't smile. But he did start to breathe again. Dean wasn't crying. It was a start.