AN: FINALLY!!! After days of slaving over and devouring pixie stixs as fuel, I have finished my guide! Seriously, how do you authors do it? Some may be glad that the PoP section actually has a new addition. Some may cringe in fear of their computers exploding pineapples. Either way, this was sure a fun thing to do. Until I can make a fic that doesn't have a little ounce of crack in it, you all have to settle for this. Note that it may seem that I'm bashing the prince and his crew a bit too much. Its not that I don't like him, its just extremely fun to do!
Dedicated to Kiriona and Killer Zebra for inspiring the sillyness within.
Disclaimer: If I owned PoP, Dark Prince would of been a male model and Farah would of been smart.
CONGRADU-FRICKIN-LATIONS!!
You are now the proud (and probably only) owner of the PRINCE unit, first edition. To insure that your little Persian dumbass doesn't insure chaos and destruction upon your hometown with just a tiny little dagger, follow these procedures and instructions. You will be surly secured for the first 2 hours.
TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS
Name: Prince Sharaman. Technically, the PRINCE unit doesn't have a name. Therefore, you are able to name him anything you want. (Ex: Bob, Mr. Poofs, Cuddly-cuddly poo, wanted abortion, etc.)
Type: (Of somewhat) Human male.
Manufactures: Jordan Mechner, Ubisoft, his mom.
Date of production: Around 1000 BC. Maybe 2000. He's just one old dude.
Height: 6 something something.
Weight: Well, considering that he can jump 15 feet away and run across walls, he should be lighter then air. But since Ubisoft prefers to smack the laws of gravity in the face, about 155 lbs.
Length: . . . When you say length . . .
ACCESSORIES
What? Did you think we would send over your PRINCE naked? Silly, that only comes in the creepy fangirl edition. Your prince unit comes fully equipped with these accessories:
One goatee
One armor padded blue shirt (tearable)
Two sleeves with the shirt (tearable)
One pair of white pants (hopefully not so tearable)
One ounce of honor and glory
Five doses of sarcasm
One iPod (for when the Farah unit comes along)
Several sand vortexes
One crappy sword
One not so crappy sword
One cool sword
One I-eat-zombies-for-lunch sword
One dagger of time
Sadly, during shipment, the PRINCE unit has lost every shred of dignity. Warranty is not included.
INSTALLATION
When your PRINCE unit is first released from his box, he will be rather disappointed that your house turns out not to be the maju-whatever's palace. To make sure he does not turn into the second edition so soon, provide him with the dagger of time accessory or compatible FARAH unit. (Warning: FARAH unit is not always compatible. When within the same room together may cause random loving stares or spontaneous head combustions)
USES/MODES
Yes, it's hard to believe, but your prince unit actually has several different uses besides standing there and looking pretty.
Prince/Son: As you can tell by his title, PRINCE is a prince. Prince of Persia. So if you tend to be a power-hungry glory-seeking blood-thirsty Persian king, the PRINCE can be established as your sissy little son. Most of the time he will want to follow you around and join you in your raids and battles, up to the point where he runs off when he spots something shiny. The shiny will most likely turn out to be a dagger of time in which he uses to cause some great sand catastrophe, and you get screwed over. From then on, I think you would want to switch uses.
Sort-of-kind-of-Boyfriend: Yes, your PRINCE unit might actually have a romantic bone in his body that hasn't been severely damaged yet or neutered off yet. Without exerting any effort what-so-ever, you may most likely fall for your PRINCE unit. Whether it's the good looks, "ever so charming" personality, or being so loaded with sarcasm that technically made out of it, you will fill drawn to him. He may to you too, but yet again, he will refer you to a "challenge" or "desperate" or "(insert more sexism)". If you seem to have a secret cavern somewhere hidden in your corridors it is suggested that you do not lead your prince unit there. All time, self-respect, views on life, virginity, cheese will be lost in the process. Stay a far ways range from FARAH unit as she may try to shoot you for stealing her "kind of-sort-of-maybe man". Do not worry. It's most likely she'll "accidentally" shoot it at one of the PRINCE's arteries.
Luz-Bunny: Whether you like it or not, your unit is a Luz bunny. Every 3rd word they say will just make you want to hug them to death by suffocation and overload on fan Luz. But with the dagger of time at your disposal, you can kill the prince unit with your overly-affectionate hugs over and over and over and over and over and over and over and-
Douche-Punching-Bag: At times you may have the urge to hug your PRINCE unit, or kick it in its non-existent sensitive's. There are times when he just can't make that one wall run and keeps running into his spiky death, in which you just want to throw the controller at the screen. Now, you have something much more convenient to throw at then your poor innocent TV. An actual human being! Much better. Great for children.
Historian: Being from ancient Mesopotamian times, your PRINCE unit should know much about history. He will be able to help you in your ancient history class and homework. Your teacher will be absolutely amazed when you tell him about how the not-at-all-fictional sands of time spread all over the not-at-all-fictional Azad. A+!
Politian/Ruler: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA Ha- wait . . . You were serious?
Human Being: I think you can figure this out.
CLEANING
Unraveling time paradoxes and undoing sand disasters is dirty work. Your PRINCE will come home caked with blood, sand, and several sharp thingies sticking out of uncomfortable areas by the time he arrives home for dinner. You must first yank out the sharp thingies though. Make sure to yank it quickly to achieve highest satisfaction from agonized screams. After you tell him to suck it up, throw him in a bath or pool. Add in a rubber ducky or a lady to keep him in longer. He'll be sure to figure it out soon enough. That or get beaten the crap out of by the lady. Oh well!
INTERACTIONS
THE DAGGER: It is true that PRINCE does tend to have interactions with his DAGGER. Usually, when you're trapped in a sand zombie filled palace where your only accomplices are a shrieking harpy (coughfarahcough) and a dagger, the dagger is the way to go with social interaction. The dagger doesn't actually talk back to the prince unit, but its good company for those apocalyptic times that we all have.
FARAH: Some may say that she's a caring young woman who the helps prince along his way. Some may say she's an annoying oblivious hag that can't count to 10 without getting lost. Your choice. The FARAH unit takes place as PRINCE's primary love interest. Though you may be extremely confused how someone can fall for another by just yelling "Stop staring at me!" "I'm not staring!" for 5 hours, you still cannot ignore the fact that they look incredibly fricken cute together. Your PRINCE unit supposedly loves her, so may as well let them be. But is the tension between them caused by the urge to rip each other's clothes off or head's off? You decide.
THE VIZIER: Do you happen to have a creepy old uncle who will tell you to get him a glass of water, watch you slip and fall as you walk over the butter he had spread on the floor, start laughing at your utter demise, and get kicked out of the family Christmas party . . . Again . . . For the 17th time? The VIZIER unit is a lot like that. The VIZIER is the uncle, the hourglass is the butter, and the PRINCE is the kid who had been slipping on the butter for the past 17 years. Yes the VIZIER unit is one of those 80 year olds with an obsession to rule the world and become a god and fly around looking sparkly. He's on the shelf with the other 5,786 units of cliché villains. So obviously, your prince unit will have some big grudge against and will try to kill him at all cost. How original. (Warning: Beware of anti-climatic death scene)
KING SHARAMAN: Even though their relationship hasn't been very emphasized, you can just tell they had a sweet , loving, kind of creepy, father-son bond.
SCOUTTISH AXELS DUDE: is awesome.
HIMSELF: Whether its admiring his own strong physic or pummeling himself with self-pity and rocks, the PRINCE's relationship with himself is probably the most complicated and hilarious relationship yet. (Which soon forms into the DARK PRINCE unit)
PRINCE ZUKO: Believe me, there is a LOT more connected between these two then you think.
WARNINGS
Steer him clear of any hourglasses.
If you can't, padlock the dagger-hole.
If not, YOU'RE SCREWED!!
Do not bring him to beaches. People will stare at you weirdly as your prince unit tries to stab the shore.
Keep him away for old people. He'll either cry deeply, or get arrested for abuse towards the elderly.
Keep away from hot girls. Just . . . No . . .
Do not stare at his butt for too long. You may somehow become hypnotized.
Keep away from crack. He gets easily mistaken.
Keep away from ACTUAL cracks. He'll break his nose trying to look for the Farah unit.
Keep away from fire
If it so happens he doesn't, call him an idiot and walk away.
Do not play zombie games. You may end up with a TV covered with dagger holes.
Don't talk politics with him. You'll have troubles trying to pull his head out of his butt.
Keep away from anything electronic. He'll start beating it to pieces while shouting something about evil spirits or whatever.
FAQ
Q: This guide sucks crap!! How at all would this make me want to buy this product?
A: Um, hello? This guide is for the dumb people who actually think that having a PRINCE unit was a good idea. Since we provide no warranty, this guide is to help withstand their prince unit . . . For another 2 hours or so . . .
Q: 2 HOURS!?
A: Well, it's the best we can do.
Q: And what do you mean, "No warranty"?
A: We've got a load of these units. All in one place is a hellhole. By giving to them to other were just spreading the love.
Q: So . . . This is like some world domination plan?
A: Uhh . . .
Q: Oh I know what you're planning!!
A: . . . Uhh . . . Noo . . .
Q: You also said first edition. This must mean there are more units aren't there!?
A: Mm . . .
Q; You plan on creating a whole series of them now aren't you!? Then your going to post these guides on some brain cell killing website where- MMG GHFMM MGGB Gfddddmmg!!
A: . . .
INSTRUCTION
Problem: My PRINCE unit is a sexist jerk!!
If your PRINCE unit starts being in anyway arrogant, selfish, rude, sexist, etc., either hug him to death or throw a pomegranate at his face. Hopefully, you are fully stocked in pomegranates or live in pomgranentvill. You will need a lot of them.
Problem: My PRINCE unit is starting to wear black.
EL GASP! He's going into malfunction mode. Quick, find the nearest chair and slap his toosh to sense!
Problem: My PRINCE unit is starting to look like Jake Gyllenhal.
1) Grab the nearest steel object 2) Put it at your head. 3) Whack yourself into wonderland.
Problem: I got the PRINCE unit and the FARAH unit in the same room together.
Hopefully you have a camera, some popcorn, and a toxic gas mask.
Problem: My PRINCE unit is talking all fancy like again.
That being the fact that he is royalty and that he is about over 2000 years old. You become smarter or he becomes dumber. Either way, it evolves a thick hard bound book.
Problem: I think I've fallen for my PRINCE unit.
Psh, good luck with that.
WARRENTY
You still actually think there's a warranty?
FINAL NOTES
With this guide, we hope you are able to keep your PRINCE unit under control for at least a couple hours. Let's hope he leads a long, happy, zombie infested, sand covered, arrow violated, life. (Despite the fact that you probably won't)