A/N: Since I've had nothing to do today and my muse is off the charts, I decided to make a small drabblet series. This was heavily inspired by the fic 'i don't want to lose you now' by somerdaye on Archive of Our Own. Their work is absolutely incredible, and the prose blew my mind. I was, however, sad at the way it ended, so I'm replying with something happier, while also trying to demonstrate the tension they feel through this process (because I'm a sucker for happy twins being together, and I want to see more of it around). I strongly urge you to go read it so you have some context, although this can be read just fine on its own.
I hope you enjoy! Leave your feedback, favorites, and whatever you prefer. It's all equally appreciated!
(p.s. I listened to 'We Move Lightly' by Dustin 'o Halloran to help me set the mood if you'd like to check it out.)
i. black is flowing down, down, down off a jutting spine and bony hips as it stretches from its roots on his scalp towards the shower drain, branches sinking into tile after tile until a tree had taken shape with him as its seed.
something had become undone, fell off the shelf inside of him in a resounding crash. the innocuous dye bottle becomes smoking gun, and he, a victim. a criminal.
Kaoru says he looks so handsome, though. different. identical digits sweep over damp locks as porcelain figures press together. it's a compliment that Hikaru cannot swallow, however; an appeal he wants to vomit right back up so he could flush the sickness out.
ii. "this is for the best."
right. the best, as in, no more late-night kisses-going-south, no more bodies rocking, no more sweeping gazes that undressed, no more no more no more -
"Hikaru?"
"yeah." and he pulls up a smile that stings so hard he would have preferred to rip out stiches from his abdomen. "yeah, it is...isn't it?"
Kaoru does what he can to return the gesture, hands fumbling in his lap while he bites on his bottom lip. the psychiatrist tells him he's got a bad case of 'separation anxiety' and that 'breaking up' this facticious romance with his brother was the healthiest course of action.
"i love you."
"i love you, too."
"still...we're still - "
"don't be ridiculous, Kaoru. we're twins. brothers. i would never leave you, even if we're not...if we don't...well, yeah. i'm not going anywhere. ever. okay?"
"okay."
both nod - silence stretches so thin between them that neither can breathe, but they remain unmoving in the stillness and it's almost like a nightmare, but the rest of the world would see it as a rose-colored dream where they behaved with pre-existing expectations.
iii. two months gone by and the world is open, now. they believe they have achieved what one might call 'individuality.' more people know them by name. who's who. career opportunities. friends. dates, even.
perhaps everything has been achieved. everything, everything.
yet nothing at all.
while physical spacing does not separate them too far (for they shared a studio apartment during their college years), a vastness had swallowed them whole, only to spit them out on two separate planes.
they've become unreadable to one another. unintelligable. it is to the point where they cannot harmonize their words and finish off sentences, to the point where they are left with a gaping void that could not, was not filled by anything else.
but they stay the course in the hopes that this brings them closer to being normal.
iv. forever is a long time, however.
things began again when Kaoru says he won the college's art contest. since the introduction of gleeful news amidst the hovering melancholy was welcome anytime, the twins had decided to celebrate this with an immediate embrace.
"i'm really proud of you, y'know." Hikaru murmurs in his ear, arms still tight around his waist.
"thanks." and Kaoru lingers, hands resting content on his brother's shoulder blades. "this'll be good for when i want to start a business soon, since winning will expose me to some artists around the city."
the elder nods, only pulling his head back so he could look his twin in the eyes and show a genuine smile. he was happy. so, so happy, to the point where -
"Hikaru?"
they did not remember what happened next, only that when all was said and done, two bodies had tangled up as one abstraction once more.
v. "more."
Kaoru wanted more, more, more. always, it seems like, as if his brother burying his thick all the way inside of him, as if roaming hands brushing over his hips and his thighs and his ass, as if hard kisses and shared noises were simply not enough.
and Hikaru knows that, too, but it doesn't stop him from asking.
"more what, love?"
love. what a silly nickname, one that makes the younger's cheeks flush as he wraps a leg around his brother's lanky frame.
"more of you. i want it harder."
a pleased sigh leaves the ravenette's throat, all to eager to comply with such a selfish wish. all that progress, it seems like - that hard work taken to put up walls and strive towards separate lives - fell apart at the very seams, leaving with them nothing but a red thread that was always there.
(just not always obvious.)
&. "i don't want anybody else to touch you. just me. only me."
a jealous declaration of affection, Kaoru assumes, one that he enjoys very much as ivory digits link together under the sheets.
"but nii-san...i thought we were going to be normal."
normal. Hikaru turns his head into the pillow, biting back a laugh. he has nothing to say in response to that, really, because Kaoru is right. they want(ed) to be normal.
"is that a no?"
a gentle kiss is shared between identical lips.
"what's normal, anyway? i don't want to pretend everything is fine without you."
"then why did - "
"i didn't want to." this time, a sigh. "i just...your psychiatrist said it would be good...right? and i didn't want to hold you back, Kaoru. besides, " and he says this with a faultering smile, "i'm kind of a mess, if you haven't noticed."
"that's okay." their grip grows iron tight, fingers pressing down so hard on the other's hand that their joints began to ache.
"i love your mess."
(and that's the end of that.)