AN: Enjoy, fellow readers! Oh, and PM us if you have any questions or requests.
A Holiday in NZ- er… Middle Earth
Prologue: Get Out While You Still Can!
A woman in her twenties sat at her computer, typing. She preferred to keep her hair up in a bun when she was typing, unless her ears were cold. Poor circulation, you know.
It was winter in Australia, the coldest in one hundred years she'd heard. Pie didn't like the cold. So, as she sat down in the chilly little office with a hot cup of tea by her side, she thought nothing of wearing several layers of warm clothes, including a brown knitted cardigan she'd been given from a friend, and her husband's thick socks.
In the northern hemisphere a young woman reaching adulthood was unconcerned by things like cold weather. In fact, as she sat at her computer typing away, she had her hair tied high in a ponytail off her neck, annoyed at the bangs that wouldn't quite fit.
Getting a hairbrush snagged in your hair isn't the happiest of moments but when it decides to make a home there and can only be excommunicated by a pair of scissors, well… let's just say Tint wasn't incredibly pleased with the sister who put it there.
She was comfortable in her flared jeans, green Mickey Mouse tee and her decidedly dark green sneakers, and her mood was brightened by the fact that winter was over in the U.S. Only summer remained.
The two fanfic writers were discussing an idea over the medium of messages.
Pie: So Tint! I have an idea! It's called… dun, duhn, DUHN… Collaboration!
Tint: Yes!
Let's write a story of untold epicness!
Hahaha, lets!
Together!
:D Whoop whoop!
And it shall be henceforth called "A Holiday in New Zealand- er… Middle Earth!"
YES!
We shall be the most competent non-Mary-Sue-characters Tolkien's readers have ever laid eyes on! What say ye, dear friend of mine?
I say yea, and Godspeed!
Wait… God's peed?
Meanwhile, somewhere in the mystical unknown regions of Bermuda, the web administrator for cackled evilly whilst browsing the messages of two unsuspecting writers. "Simple-minded fools! With the combined forces of fangirl willpower and hypnotic fiction literature I shall hereby transport thee… to the world of your creation, where you shall be trapped forever! Dance, monkeys, dance! Mwahahahahaaaa!"
The administrator pressed the shiny red button of doom, and suddenly the two writers found themselves being sucked into the black holes that was once their computers.
(^o^)/\(^-^)
UPDATE COMPLETE!
CHAPTER ONE BELOW.
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Chapter 1: Hit Me Baby One More Time!
Pie was painfully awakened by a cast-iron frying pan landing on her head.
"Ayaah! OH MY BLEEDING HEAD!" Pie yelled as she cradled her head in her hands. "What the heck was that for?" She asked, and upon receiving no answer she looked up. Why was she outside? She didn't live in a forest, last time she checked. Not recognizing the surrounding area as anywhere close to home, Pie picked up the frying pan and got to her feet. Suddenly aware of the heat and humidity, she peeled off a couple of woolen layers and wrapped them around her middle before going to search around for signs of life.
Meanwhile, in a smallish clearing nearby Tint was just stirring. "Bloody hell." She grumbled, putting pressure below her ears to ease the pounding sensation. Hearing the song of a bird she looked around with wide eyes. There weren't many birds in the development in which she lived and never close enough to hear their birdsong. Only after a storm would she ever find the birds digging in the yard for worms.
Her eyes grew bigger as she took in her environment.
Trees. Where was the house?
Looking down she noticed that she had her black shoulder bag with Tinker Bell on the front. Scrambling over to it, she opened it up and dumped the contents out. Inside was a library book (Traceless, by Debra Webb), her brown leather journal, a wallet with no money, one USB cord, a handful of pens and a book of matches.
Only useful thing in here are the matches, her inner voice griped.
For some reason she was compelled to open the journal, but Tint couldn't see why- she knew nothing was written in the thing anyway. Just as she was about to check within the pages, she heard rustling in the surrounding bushes. If it were only the wind, she would've dismissed it, but she couldn't just ignore the accompanying voice, grumbling incoherently.
Putting the strap to her bag over her torso, Tint grabbed a good-sized rock and climbed to a low branch of a tree just in time to see an awkward, frumpy-looking brunette walk into the smallish clearing, wielding a… frying pan?
Not taking any chances, Tint chucked the rock at the woman's temple.
Pie, the unsuspecting victim of the rock attack stepped back and swung the frying pan at the rock, hitting it back and knocking her attacker out of the tree.
"FLUKE HIT!" she cheered, forgetting momentarily that she was in a sudden battle to the death with a strange attacker.
Holding the pan defensively, she slowly walked towards the figure lying on the ground and nudged her with one toe.
Reaching out swiftly, Tint grabbed Pie's ankle, causing the young woman to squeal (cos girls do that when they're surprised) and whack the offender with the pan. Realizing that the girl was now unconscious Pie groaned, becoming slowly aware of those creeping sensations called guilt and moral obligation.
With some difficulty, Pie managed to haul the girl over her back and remain standing upright. "Whoever you are mate, you will owe me big time!" Pie grumbled as she picked a direction and started walking, not forgetting her trusty frying pan.
After what felt like hours (yeah, it really was hours – she probably should've checked the condition of her new friend since the girl was still an uncomfortable weight on her back), Pie admitted to herself she was lost. Letting the young attacker slide to the ground, Pie knelt over her and reached for the Tinker Bell bag that'd been a constant source of annoyance for most of the day – the thing had been sliding around and getting caught under Pie's arm as she walked.
She began to rifle through said bag, looking for anything to identify the young person in front of her. The stuff she found was mostly useless, but then she felt something familiar brush against her fingers – a wallet! Digging it out of the girl's bag, Pie flipped the old wallet open and searched it for ID.
… A picture of her attacker at the age of six and… one very old library card. It was really well used, so much so that whatever name could've been printed onto it was pretty much invisible by this point.
No money, no driver's license. So basically, if anybody managed to find them after they died of exhaustion and starvation; they'd be two Jane Does with a Tinker Bell bag and a frying pan.
See if the search parties could figure that one out.
Sighing, Pie took a few moments to crack her back and stretch before heading over to a tall-looking tree. It wouldn't take long to climb, scope out the landscape and figure out where the nearest road or town was.
Choosing not to think about exactly how high she'd have to climb in order to look over the forestation, Pie fumbled her way to the top of the tree and had a look in every direction.
"Where the heck am I…?" A winding silver thread that glinted in the sunlight caught her attention. When you're lost, always follow the river, right? Plus where there's water, there's civilization, She thought. Suddenly feeling like Bilbo in the second Hobbit movie/book (only without the durable feet), Pie began the careful descent back to the ground and her companion.
"We'll find civilization yet!" Pie declared to the empty forest as she once again heaved the girl onto her back.
Taking the most direct route towards the river, it wasn't long before Pie came across a slight problem she hadn't noticed from her lookout point. Now normally she'd go over with little difficulty but, there was nothing 'normal' about this situation. Pie stared blankly at the wall of earth in front of her. It wasn't that it was particularly high - it came up to her chin - but she had a heavy load on her back, and she'd never been great at problem solving.
Of course the first idea that came to mind wasn't exactly orthodox. Pie put the frying pan on the ground and shimmied the girl up and over her head to lift her above it. Of course, it was always in the midst of Pie's stupid decisions that she realized how dumb she looked doing it. People were flippin' heavy.
So she set the girl down again and then emptied the contents of the bag to see if there was anything that might help. When the USB cord fell out onto the ground, Pie got a determined glint in her green eyes. Maybe she could use the cord to keep the girl propped up against the wall until she managed to scale the wall - then lift her up by her armpits.
And so Pie set about her new solution, careful not to hurt her unconscious companion further...
Many scrapes and substituted curse-words later, Pie was relieved to find her second plan worked. A small smile crept onto her lips as she once again (hopefully for the last time) picked the other girl up and started moving again.
Pie could have cried.
Never had water looked so beautiful before - sure, she'd seen plenty rivers and waterfalls, but this… this was 'we-just-might-survive-til-help-comes' nourishing, life-giving liquid.
The part of Pie's brain that had watched too many Bear Grylls survival shows started rattling away helpful information. A human being could survive days without food, but take away water and you die, so now she'd found a good water supply the chances of survival were going up and up. Plus, if she found enough dry wood and green leaves she could make a smoke fire to signal the search party, and she could get out of here.
Of course, there was only one other thing to be done first, and that was to find out if Pie had to send some poor dead girl down the river, or if she'd make a miraculous recovery and wake up.
Dumping their bag and frying pan on the dry bank, Pie waded out into the slow, icy current of the river with the girl secured against her chest. When the water was lapping against her knees, Pie smiled and hoped for the best.
3, 2, 1… "WATAH BAPTISM!"
The effects of the frigid water were immediate. Flailing and sputtering, a pair of dark eyes whipped open and the girl set her irate (and slightly panicked) gaze on Pie.
"Oh good, you're alive," Pie said cheerfully, quietly amused at the girl's irritation. "Are you feeling alright? Any dizziness, nausea, pain? Slight tendencies towards laziness or dramatic behaviour? Though at your age, having someone carry you on their back while you sleep is probably normal behaviour, so scratch that last one."
Tint was less than amused. She was cold and confused, and frankly quite peeved about the level of enjoyment the strange, frumpy lady was getting out of her situation.
"What the bloody hell was that? And no, I don't often get carried on people's backs! Wait, you knocked me out!"
"Yeah, well... you threw a rock at me."
Tint's eyes narrowed into slits, "Terribly sorry, Miss, but how was I suppose to know you weren't some psychokiller?"
"Do I look like a killer?" Pie asked, spreading her arms out in a bout of forgetfulness (for now Tint had been dunked a second time- accidentally, mind you). Finding her feet quickly, Tint set her suspicious glare on the stranger again. "Seriously? You seem pretty intent on trying to drown me, for one! And what's with the frying pan?! You could have bashed my head in with that!" Tint growled as she stalked over towards the woman with every intention of making her look like a drowned rat.
Just as Tint went to shove her, Pie's foot slipped while she tried to back away. There was a rather loud splash as she fell into the river. Tint's jaw went slack for a moment before she stood back and burst into laughter. Justice had been served.
It was even funnier when every time the lady attempted to climb to her feet she'd slip again, pulling some comically surprised face each time. Finally (after ten minutes of solid entertainment), Tint took pity on the woman and offered her a hand.
A male voice rang through the area, then.
"Daro!"
Freezing in mid pull, Tint turned her head to look over her shoulder. At the same time Pie's foot slipped on the smooth rocks, dragging them both under the water again.
After a moment of confused struggling between the two young women, a pair of firm hands shot into the water and retrieved them from their impromptu swimming lesson.
Tint automatically ripped her arm out of the strong grip and dropped to her knees to spit water out of her mouth while Pie laughed, ever the cheerful one.
After hacking up water, Tint looked up and contemplated screaming or running; maybe both.
Pie giggled and then hiccuped. "I knew coming to the river was a good idea. The search party found us almost instantaneously!"
"What are your names?" The stranger asked the two, who shifted towards each other. "What is your business in Imladris?"
"Okay, I only understood half of that; which is weird, because that was elvish." Tint said looking between the man and Pie.
"What'd he say?" Pie asked with doe-like eyes.
"'What are your names?' 'What is your business in Imladris?' You don't suppose…"
"WHAT! Is your name? WHAT! Is your fav-o-rite colour?" Pie automatically quoted with a ridiculous grin. Tint and the strange young man both shot her looks of annoyance. "Eh... sorry."
Tint trailed off as she looked at the man. "Golden hair, fair complextion… and pointed ears… NO WAY!"
"YES WAY!" Pie retorted cluelessly before getting distracted. Tint idly wondered if this would happen often. Pie, on the other hand had noticed something important. Their stuff was on the other side of the river. "Ooh! Be right back! Gotta go fix my Hansel and Gretel complex!"
Tint was surprised when the woman managed to dive into the water and cross the river twice at great speed, even holding their belongings above her head as she swam back. She turned back to the handsome stranger.
"But... how... you're an elf!"
"He's a what?" Pie took a good look at the strange man helping her up and realised her new companion appeared to be correct. "So... where are we then?"
"What are your names?" The elf asked again looking somewhat impatient.
"Tintcalad here, but you can call me Tint." Tint said with a mock bow.
"Tint? I'm Pie!" Pie said, paying attention for once.
"Pie? Wait, what?" Tint questioned, only to be cut off by the elf man.
"What business do you have in Imladris?" He asked, frowning. Pie remained silent, still working out their new information. Imladris... it was familiar somehow.
"We're lost?" Tint suggested.
"We need to speak to Lord Elrond or Gandalf the Grey. Whichever one is available," Pie said standing up straighter. She'd caught on at last. Or at least, she figured their search party consisted of a cosplay Tolkien elf and the best way to get his cooperation was to play along. Yeah, she'd go with that for now.
The elf looked at the two before telling them to follow him and turning away to some path apparently only he could see. The two women shared a look before following after him.
They traveled farther into the trees until the invisible trail became a wider, dirt path. They could hear bells ringing in the distance (What Tint later pointed out were laughing elves) and marveled silently at the beauty of the forest. Once they made it to the crest of the valley, their elf guide stopped and said, "Welcome to Imladris, the last homely house east of the sea."
Pie stared for a long moment before she turned to her friend. "Tint?"
"Yeah?"
"This is real, right?"
"Uh-huh."
"We got dropped into Middle Earth with a frying pan and a bag of junk."
"Yep."
"Do you reckon Bear Grylls could survive this?"
AN: Well there it is, folks! Be kind and leave a review if you have the time (let's face it, if you didn't have time to spend you wouldn't be on FanFiction).
Thanks very much to annafan and Dysfunctional Nat for your reviews, they go a long way in driving stories forward.
Until next time!
TintandPie!