It had been three weeks since my return and still every night during its blackest hour Bella would scream as nightmares overcame her. Tonight was no exception. I could only watch helplessly as she began to whimper. Her fingers clenched in the sheets. A moan escaped her. She tossed; her face screwing up as she tried to deny her nightmare power. Then she spoke and her barely understandable whimper shattered me.
"Edward, please," she sobbed. "Don't go. Don't leave me."
I was by her side in an instant, having left my perch by the window. I gently untangled her hand from the sheets and held it firmly in my own. It was hot, the center sweaty. I passed my hand over her brow, removing feverish traces.
"I'm here, Bella," I told her. "I'm not going anywhere. Not without you."
The words would have soothed her if she was awake, but they couldn't penetrate her sleeping mind. The silence of that mind was agonizing. How could I help her escape the nightmare plaguing her without specifics?
"Not again," Bella cried softly, I gripped her hand harder then had to force myself to let it go. I dare not hold her while my own nerves were fraught with strain.
Tears leaked out under her lashes, turning her pale white skin red. The salty smell was overwhelming. She was never more beautiful or vulnerable than in this instance.
"Please… please… Edward… please…" She shook and her voice cracked.
"I'm right here," I whispered fiercely, "Right here."
"NO!" she screamed. It was a long loud cry of pain.
No wonder Charlie hated me. I hated myself. If she had screamed like this every night since I'd so foolishly left it was a wonder Charlie hadn't taken his gun and shot me on sight.
Bella was terrified of me leaving. She did not yet trust me not to change my mind again. It had never changed the first time, but she wasn't convinced. The absurd girl thought she wasn't good enough for me. Did she not know it was the reverse?
She'd been silent for so long, I wondered fretfully if the nightmare was over. Her body still trembled. I fought with myself. I wanted to hold her, gather her in my arms, but could I trust myself not to hold her too tightly? She was so fragile… my little human. So easily bruised, one careless touch could break her.
"I love you," she blurted, curling under the covers to her side. I crawled into the space she left, hovering on hands and knees above her—poised, ready, and tense.
"I love you," she called again and my dead heart broke at the plaintive tone. "Don't you love me anymore?"
I always claimed that I wanted to know her mind and these unguarded moments at night gave me the smallest insight. It was utterly devastating. I caused this. Me. How could she love me? How? How could she forgive me?
I moved a hand and pulled the sweaty locks of her hair out of her face. She hiccupped and the sound was so heartbroken I wanted to weep, but I had no tears. Vampires never cried. I was too inhuman for that.
For so long I had thought I was too inhuman for love. I must be to have ruined it as I have done. How could Bella, my sweet precious, Bella, love a monster? I shuddered, trying to force those bleak black thoughts away but with a mind that can process everything all at once there was no escape from the truth.
"EDWARD!"
Every move I made was executed with precision; it had to be around her. That was why I was surprised to find myself with no recollection of the last few dozen heartbeats. I had Bella on her back, my mouth covering hers, my hands in her hair, and my body pressing her into the bed drowning out my name. I swallowed her sob. I kissed away her tears.
It wasn't until her arms curled around my neck that I even recognized my own voice rasping against her skin. My litany of words was too fast for human ears to understand, but Bella understood the underlying context.
Her fingers gripped my hair, tugging on it, bringing my mouth back to her own. With effort I slowed the torrent of words. A thousand heartbeats later I kissed her softly and pulled back. I was under control… barely.
"Bella, Bella," I murmured, sweeping her hair behind her ears. I cupped her face. I couldn't stop touching her. I didn't want to. I knew it was dangerous, but I didn't care. All I cared about was taking away her hurt. A part of me thought that if I took her sobs inside me, I could lessen that hurt, but it was a foolish thought.
"Am I dreaming?" she asked quietly. The sheets trembled.
I sighed. Was she to ask me that every time she woke? It was too distressing. How could she not believe me? A hundred thousand times I told her that I loved her but the one lie was easier for her to believe? It cut me to the quick. But all I said was, "You're not dreaming."
"You're really here?"
I smiled faintly, concealing my inner turmoil. "When you wake up Bella, I will be here. Every time, I promise. I love you. I can't live without you. You are my soul mate."
"Don't go," she pleaded, turning her face up for more kisses.
"Never again," I said against her lips, stealing one last kiss before tucking her into my side. "Never again," I vowed quietly, holding her as she fell into a second sleep.
I held her through the night. Nightmares stayed away and as dawn broke through her window I made another vow. This one I made for me, for my own peace of mind. I vowed that she would never shed another tear because of me. I prayed that I could keep it.