Author's Note: So my wonderful friend bought me the new Skillet CD as a very belated birthday present (seeing as my birthday was in May and she gave it to me two days ago). One of the songs is entitled Lucy, so of course I had to write a songfic about it. I didn't expect it to turn out this good (at least, it's good in my opinion :) or to end up this long, or to make me cry the way I did multiple times when writing it. Suggestion: Get your tissues out!
So, Jerrica, this is dedicated to you. Thanks for buying me the CD!!! And I pray that one day you'll accept the promise as well.
Italics are the song lyrics. Words in bold are memories. Words in both italics and bold are journal entries.
Pronunciation Guide: Jasmineara (Jazz- min- yeer- uh)
Disclaimer: C.S. Lewis owns all rights to Narnia and characters in this story. And Skillet owns the song 'Lucy'.
Lucy
A Chronicles of Narnia Songfic
by Kirsten Erin
Hey Lucy, I remember your name
I left a dozen roses on your grave today
I'm in the grass on my knees, wipe the leaves away
Susan kneeled at her youngest sister's grave, tears rolling down her unpowdered face. Her dress would surely have mud and grass stains on it by the time she got up and the wind was causing her hair to fly in all sorts of directions, but she didn't care. It didn't matter anymore. None of it mattered anymore.
"Hey Lu." she said as she made herself comfortable. "I'm back again. I brought white roses- your favorite."
Every Sunday since the train wreck a few months ago, Susan would come to the cemetery after lunch. Each week, she would hunker down and talk to one of her family members as if they were there. At first, she wondered if she'd finally cracked. But that didn't matter either. Her family was gone, what more was there?
"I went to church again this morning. I think I actually like it." Susan swallowed as a sob threatened to escape her lips. Even after so long, she couldn't help but mourn, that bright smile of Lucy's was gone- destined only to be a fading memory.
"I just love white roses, they remind me of the paths to Archenland in the summer." Lucy smiled, talking to Edmund. The slightly older boy had bought her a few from a woman selling them on the streets of London.
"Stop spouting such nonsense." Susan scolded. "We're in public, someone might hear you. Besides, you're fifteen now, you should be over such fantasies."
Her two younger siblings rolled their eyes simultaneously and continued on beside her.
"I'm glad you like them. They remind me of it too. Though I personally liked the Jasminearas much better." he answered with a twinkle in his eye as he remembered the well-trodden path. He was referring to a large purple flower that often budded beside the rose bushes, it was accented by a black stripe that ran down each petal and had such a sweet smell that if not neutralized a bit by the roses, it would give one a headache quite quickly.
Susan felt her mind flood with the familiar picture of a lush land with singing birds, lush green land, and a royal escort filled with talking horses and mythical creatures. The vague thought that those purple flowers were also her favorite crossed her mind before she shook them from it.
"Seriously. You two need to grow up!" Susan said, her voice escalating slightly and causing a few passers by to glance her way. Her lips tightened as she held back her anger.
"Why does it make you so uncomfortable, Su?" Edmund asked, not impressed with her display of anger. "Because you remember it too?"
"Shut up." she growled under her breath.
"Really, Susan. How can you forget such a large quantity of your life like that? It must be dreadful." Lucy said the last part more to herself than to her sister.
Susan, feeling fed up with the childishness of her siblings, quickened her pace and left them behind, but not before she heard Edmund remark bitterly to Lucy,
"I'm surprised she hasn't forgotten us yet."
"I haven't forgotten you, Lu, or you, Ed." she whispered as tears ran down her face.
I just came to talk for a while
I got some things I need to say
"I know I was a horrid sister. Why didn't I see what I had? Why didn't I see how wonderful you were, even when I was so angry?" Susan's eyes were stormy with rage that was directed solely at herself.
"Please, Susan, please remember." Lucy whimpered as she looked up at the woman who had helped her become the best queen she could be, lead her into womanhood herself. The same woman who had directed her when the path got rocky.
Susan looked down at her sister and forced herself to stand firm. Lucy needed to see the truth and it would have to hurt to get through to her.
"I won't remember something that never happened. It was all a game, Lucy, that's all."
"I don't believe you, and I don't think you believe yourself, either."
"Of course I believe myself. I don't lie." Susan said, drawing up her defenses.
"You used to be the Gentle Queen, but now you're not the same woman you were. Queen Susan's heart was never hard, always soft and gentle."
"I'm not Queen Susan the Gentle. I'm Susan Pevensie, the real person!" Susan said, getting frustrated again.
"You're right. I don't even recognize you anymore." Lucy answered, a tear falling down her cheek.
Now that it's over
I just wanna hold her
I'd give up all the world to see that little piece of heaven looking back at me
Susan stroked the gravestone that adorned the obscure plot of land. She'd gotten to choose the headstones for each of her siblings along with her parents. It had been a hard ordeal, but she'd finally chosen them.
Underneath her name and dates of birth and death, it read:
"To the glittering Eastern Sea, here lies Queen Lucy the Valiant. Forever faithful to Aslan, even unto the end."
Each of her sibling's tomb stones said similiar phrases, substituting their own Narnian titles, of course.
"I wonder what mine would read." Susan said aloud, still talking to her sister. "For I am no longer gentle and the radiant Southern sun no longer smiles upon me." she lamented.
Susan lay upon her back, choking back the tears and closing her eyes to the bleak world around her.
"Why did you take her from me, Aslan? Why did you take my ray of sunshine?"
Now that it's over
I just wanna hold her
I've gotta live with the choices I've made
And I can't live with myself today
She remembered. She knew that Narnia was real. In the back of her mind, she'd always known but didn't want to admit it. She couldn't deal with not going back, so she convinced herself it never happened- that there really was nothing to go back to.
"It's impossible. The whole idea!" Susan told her siblings earnestly.
"So we're just delusional?" Edmund retorted, taking offense at her proclamation.
"If you're going to look at this logically, so must we." Peter answered diplomatically. "How do you explain the fact that the three of us remember Narnia and you don't?"
"You've deceived yourselves. You've created fantastical memories to wipe out the trauma of losing dad and the brutality of the war." Susan rolled out a well practiced argument.
"So we covered up our emotional scarring from one war with memories of more wars?" Lucy said, pointing out the bit of ill logic.
"Yes, well, fairytale wars are much less traumatic. No real deaths. Everyone always comes out okay." she said, rolling her eyes at the obvious.
The three looked horrified at the suggestion.
"Kyer, Barua, Shelkren, Karson, Elyson..." Lucy mumbled, her eyes filling with unshed tears. "Kyer was killed by a poisoned arrow to the heart. He coughed up blood until he suffocated from it. Shelkryn was brutally tortured by the Calormene scouts and when we finally found him, was only a shadow of his formal self. He never fully recovered emotionally. Karson came home one day to find his pregnant wife, Elyson, and his three children slaughtered by the rebel force from Galma that had come without warning. You personally made their burial shrouds." she was now crying and Peter rubbed her back as he and Ed let a few tears fall down their own cheeks.
Susan turned her head away and swallowed the threat of tears. Faces flashed through her mind. Faces that she knew belonged to those her sister had just listed. She steeled her heart and turned back.
"You had to process the pain of people dying from the war. There had to be some sadness in that fairy land of yours."
Edmund jumped to his feet, anger filling his dark brown eyes as he pulled his shirt up.
"How do you explain this, Susan?" he said baring the scar where Jadis had stabbed him so many years ago. He quickly unbuttoned his shirt and turned, revealing the many scars that littered his back, including lashings from a whip. "Or these!"
He turned round, the seventeen year-old's eyes were blazing as he pointed at his siblings.
"How do you explain the way Peter wheezes at night from his injury the giant's gave him? How do you explain the scar under Lucy's chin where the hag sliced her neck and we were barely able to give her the cordial in time? How do you explain the scar on your thigh where the black dwarf took you by surprise and sliced your leg nearly to the bone?"
Peter took the boy's hand and gently pulled him back. Edmund took a deep breath and allowed his brother to pull him back into himself, resting his head on his shoulder.
"Calm down, Ed." he said, soothingly, as he stroked the younger boy's coal head.
Even as her brother calmed down, Susan couldn't help seeing the hurt in her siblings' eyes. They felt like she'd betrayed them.
And that's exactly what she'd done.
Hey Lucy, I remembered your birthday
They said it'd bring me some closure to say your name
I know I'd do it all different if I had the chance
Susan sat up and sobbed into her hands, not holding back any longer.
"Why am I so stupid?!" she screamed, face still in her hands. "I'm a traitor and I deserve to die! I betrayed them. I betrayed them all."
The statement triggered a flashback in her mind.
"But where is the fourth?" A majestic Lion stood before the three siblings who had lost their brother to the treacherous Witch's cunning deceit. Susan's knees felt like knocking together as she stood between her sister and older brother.
"That's why we're here." Peter said uneasily.
"We had a little trouble along the way." Susan added.
"He's been captured by the White Witch." Peter finished.
The gathered Narnians seemed to roar their disapproval and outrage.
Susan and Peter looked at each other. Neither could bring themselves to mention his part in it. How could they when their hearts still ached to think of it?
"He betrayed them, Your Excellence." Mr. Beaver said hesitantly, realizing none of the children would voice it.
"The he has betrayed us all!" Oreius yelled angrily, fierceness in his features.
Susan felt her heart skip a beat. They couldn't turn on her brother like that. Impish as of late or not, Edmund was her brother and she would stand before any army to protect him.
"Peace Oreius." Aslan calmed him. Something in his reprimand reassured Susan, telling her that all would be well.
"It's my fault really." Peter spoke up. "I was too hard on him." he hung his head and Susan slid a reassuring hand up his arm and onto his shoulder, before turning to the great Lion herself.
"We all were."
"Sir, he's our brother." Lucy pleaded, barely holding back the tears that threatened to fall from her eyes. Susan pulled her sister into a one- armed embrace to comfort her.
"I know, dear, and that makes the betrayal all the worse. It amy be harder than you think."
In the end, Aslan had died for Edmund. He'd given his own life for the one who'd been named traitor.
But all I've got are these roses to give
And they can't help me make amends
Susan lifted herself off the ground and wiped the crumbled leaves and mud off her dress before staring long and hard at her sister's grave.
"I love you, Lucy. I wish I'd done better. I wish I could take it all back. But now my chance is over and you're gone. I'll always miss you, baby sister. You were my sunshine."
Susan walked away, tears still streaking down her face. She had no doubt that she looked like a mad woman in the state she was in, but she didn't care what people thought- she was in mourning and she doubted she'd ever stop.
Peter. Edmund. Lucy.
She'd neglected them, broken their hearts, and stepped on the fragments. She'd hurt them far worse than any enemy could have.
They were her everything. They were her lifeline and now they were gone.
How could she live with herself after what she'd done?
How could she ever heal?
She slid into the driver's side of her car and turned on the heat to bring feeling back to her numb fingers. She drove home, mind barely on the road at all.
Because her heart was gone, it was buried on a hill in an old cemetery with those she'd spent her life loving and wounding.
Now that it's over
I just want to hold her
I'd give up all the world just to see that little piece of heaven looking back at me
Susan mechanically slid her key into the lock and pushed the door to her empty home open. The sound of door hitting the door stopper echoed through the house as she stepped through the door and closed it.
Walking up the stairs, she headed to the room that had been hers since the day she was born. She slid out of her clothes and pulled on a clean dress that hadn't been abused by sobbing in the mud, at least not that day.
Going into the hallway, she stopped in front of Lucy's door.
The day the three had died, she'd closed each of their doors, never to be opened again. She couldn't handle the memories. She could hardly handle being in their home, but knew she couldn't leave.
Susan grasped the doorknob and slowly opened the door to her younger sister's room.
She was greeted with the scent of wildflowers, a smell that had often accompanied Lucy. It alone brought tears to Susan's eyes, she vaguely wondered if she'd ever run out of tears. Not for Lucy. Not for her baby sister.
The younger girl's room was neat and tidy and everything was in it's place. The windows were open and a few wilted sunflowers sat in a vase on one ledge.
Susan looked over to the desk that stood to her right, just as it would've if she'd been in Lucy's apartment at Cair Paravel, and noticed a beautiful journal lying open with a pen next to it.
Hesitantly, Susan stepped over to it and lifted it from the desk, wiping off the thin layer of dust that had accumulated on the cover.
It was a journal Peter had bought her a little over a year ago for her sixteenth birthday. It had 'Queen Lucy' written in beautiful script across the cover. No doubt the boy had gotten odd looks for the request of getting it engraved, but they were always eager to please each other.
Susan wished she had the opportunity to lavish her sister with loving gifts again. With loving anything...
Susan stepped from the room and gingerly closed the door again, the journal tucked under her arm as she headed downstairs.
Now that it's over
I just want to hold her
I gotta live with the choices I've made
And I can't live with myself today
Susan sat down on the couch a foreboding sense of anxiety resting upon her as she cracked open the well used journal. The inside was written in a beautiful script that Susan knew had taken her years to master.
A queen had to have good penmanship when corresponding to foreign diplomats. One could not afford to give the wrong impression.
She vaguely noted that she no longer fought the memories that flooded her with certain recollections. She no longer nipped them at the bud.
She now realized that she'd been wrong. She shouldn't have hid it. Narnia was real. They had been Kings and Queens and ruled for years. It was all true.
But it didn't matter anymore.
The Kings and Queen of Old that still believed were gone and Queen Susan the Gentle was all alone.
May 12, 1950
Today was lovely. It was my birthday- my sixteenth, actually. We had a grand party, just the five of us- Mum, Peter, Edmund, and even Susan.
I received many lovely presents and even though both Mum and Susan have been prodding me to hold a large party as a celebration, I'd rather just spend time with my family. I've already had a sweet sixteenth ball and don't need another.
After our family gathering, Ed and Pete surprised me by taking me up to the park and dancing with me just like we used to. Neither have forgotten their violin lessons from Narnia, though they were called cheltas there and had more strings. Somehow they created music that sounded so much like Narnia that I nearly ruined the whole thing by sobbing rather than enjoying it.
I managed, though, and had a marvelous time. I'll never forget this birthday. My brothers are so good to me.
I wish Susan had been able to be a part of it, loved to dance at home. Her face would always light up when she got the opportunity. It was wonderful and I would love to see her face light up that way again. It's been a long while.
She says she's forgotten- but she hasn't. She's deceiving herself. She's leaving us.
Yours,
Lucy Rene' Pevensie
Here we are
Now you're in my arms
I never wanted anything so bad
Susan felt her heart tear just a little bit as she read the account of the girl's birthday. If only she'd been herself, she would have been sure to make Lucy's day what she truly wanted.
She continued to read, feeling as if her sister were with her, even a little bit. The accounts, though, only served as a reminder of her horrid behavior.
Of course, Lucy always wrote with the most forgiving air. She wondered if Edmund and Peter's journals would be so forgiving. She knew hers wasn't. It was filled with all of her siblings' faults and annoying ways.
Though lately it was fillled with fond memories and tearful laments.
Susan quickly wiped a tear that fell on the page she'd been reading, she didn't want to spoil these pages. They were written by a girl more precious to her than life.
Yet the girl's life had been sucked from her.
"Aslan, why did you take her from me?" she whispered into the empty room.
She was in the last third of the written part when she came across a page that still had slightly crinkled spots from tears falling upon them. Some of the ink was smeared from the droplets and Susan noted beforehand that it was quite likely that she would litter it with more tears.
She took a deep breath before beginning.
June 17, 1951
Susan and I had another fight today. It's getting harder to see her this way.
I remember in Narnia, how tender she was. She mothered us terribly, but as much as the three of us complained- we secretly relished it. Each wished for her approval and never minded her scolding when it came, because it was always followed up with a loving smile and an "I love you."
Oh, how I miss my dear Susan.
She was the one who taught me to be everything I am. She was the one who held me when I was afraid and taught me how to be a woman who represented her kingdom with dignity and grace, yet never denying my true self.
Where did our dear Susan go? Why does she push us away? Why doesn't she care?
I can't find her anymore and if it weren't for Aslan, Peter, and Edmund, I'm quite sure I would be utterly lost.
Dear Ed, always coming to my defense and taking care of me. Always ready to forfeit his own sleep and his own bed so I can snuggle when I'm exceptionally sad. I remember a time when Susan used to do the same. Now I'm quite sure she doesn't even notice me at all, except when we're fighting.
And Peter, always holding us up- keeping us strong. He's there to hold us when we cry and teach us how to keep each other from falling when we are apart.
I'm so proud of the men my boys have become.
But Susan, dear Susan, lost herself so long ago that I feel like I share a room with a stranger sometimes. When I look at her, I see only a shadow of her former self- one that has been covered by powder, lipstick, and snide remarks.
Su, won't you come back to us? Won't you love us again?
Yours,
Lucy Rene' Pevensie
Her prediction had been correct, for Susan feared the words would be indecipherable if another drop fell upon the page.
Oh, Lucy, I do love you. So tenderly, so dearly. What have I done? What have I wrought?
You were my best friend, Lu. You were the best sister I could ever hope for and I sent you to your grave believing you were contemptable in my eyes. Truly, dear sister, it is I whom I find abhorrent. You are an angel, and I no better than Jadis herself in the way I have betrayed you.
The way I have betrayed you all.
Here we are
For a brand new start
Living the life that we could've had
All the times she'd feared for her sister's life in her Narnian life flooded back to her, only serving to remind her of how she'd finally failed. She'd failed when her sister needed her most.
Oh, what an accursed woman I am.
Finally, Susan reached the final entry of the dear girl's journal. She trembled as she readied herself to finish it off. It was written just a few days before the train accident that took her life.
August 09, 1951
To My Lovely Queen Susan the Gentle, Beloved Queen and Beauty of Narnia.
Dearest Susan,
I feel the urge to write this letter to you from Aslan's prodding, a gentle nudge our brothers and I have found ourselves able to discern so easily as of late.
You see, I feel His pull, even now I feel the Deep Magic swirling about me and it quickens my heart and makes me feel quite giddy inside. Yet, this is a different sort of Magic, it's not the same that pulled us into Narnia those few, but lovely times. This time, I believe I will be going to His country. The idea makes my heart sing and breathes fresh life into me even as I sit here and write this.
Dearest sister, I long to be with Him again. I long to be in his tangible presence.
When we each left Narnia for the last time, Aslan commissioned us to search for Him in our own world. He said he gave us these opportunities that we might know Him here. As you know, we've found Him.
Jesus.
He bears a different name and form, but is in fact, our Aslan. The same who gave his life for each of us, to save us from our own iniquities. He took our place where we ought to have been slaughtered on the Stone Table, for we all have been treacherous in our hearts.
Oh dear sister, I know you well. I know your heart almost as well as I know my own, even though you've hidden and hardened it against me. I know that when Aslan takes us to our true home, you will realize what you've done and no doubt believe yourself more than worthy of death on the Stone Table yourself.
My lovely Susan, his grace is extended to you. He died for you on that Stone Table as well as for Ed, Pete, and myself. All is not lost. There is still hope- if you will accept it.
He has been our Savior more than once. Let Him be that to you once again.
He can more than adequately heal the wounds that have been left by our leaving you, if you'll only let Him.
And know that I will be waiting for you in Aslan's country. Know that my arms will be open wide and I will run to greet you, for you will always be my Gentle Queen, my best friend and most adored sister.
Yours always,
Queen Lucy the Valiant of Narnia, Faithful Warrior Queen and always your Baby Sister.
I love you tenderly and with fierce devotion.
Me and Lucy walking hand in hand
Me and Lucy never wanna end
Susan set the journal on the table as she allowed the heaving sobs to take over again. She curled into the fetal position on the floor and sobbed until she felt she would choke on the tears that had yet to be shed.
"Aslan, I can't handle it anymore!" she screamed into the empty room. "I can't do this on my own. They were everything to me. I need them desperately. I need YOU desperately. Please, Aslan, please." she whimpered, barely able to string the words into coherent sentences as she wet the carpet with her tears.
"Oh Aslan, I'm so sorry." she whispered. "I'm so sorry."
Suddenly she heard a wailing roar come from behind her and turned to find the Great Lion, with large tears falling down his face.
Susan's heart broke in half as she surveyed the anguish on the face of Aslan as He stood before her. She realized that those tears were for her. He was wailing for her. Susan let her tears overwhelm her once again as she knelt before the Great Lion and buried her head in her hands, sobbing uncontrollably at the thought.
Anguish, pure anguish. She knew she'd hurt her siblings and when full comprehension had hit her, it was too late to do anything about it, but she'd been heartbroken and on the brink of losing her mind from the guilt and shame she felt.
But Aslan, oh dear Aslan. She'd never even thought of how He felt. She'd never imagined that those Lion tears would ever be shed for her. The realization that he wept for her, for Susan Pevensie, felt as if she were being suffocated by sorrow.
After what seemed like an eternity, Susan felt Aslan's soft nose nuzzle her cheek as she continued to weep. With another nudge, he lifted her chin upward and pulled back to look her in the eyes.
"Dear one, I have wept a great many tears for you." he said, eyes still pooling with tears.
"Why?" Susan asked, feeling unworthy of the great tears.
"I cry for all of my children who have fallen from the path I provide for them." he answered, tenderness flowing in His strong voice. "As surely as I created Narnia, I also created your world and yourself as well. When my child finds themself trapped in the darkness that surrounds them, I cannot help but weep as they push my hand away. I love them so much. I love you so much, Susan."
"But I'm not worthy!" Susan's voice broked as she cried out. "I hurt you. I hurt my siblings. I betrayed everyone, including the Narnians. I am no queen and I'm not gentle. My heart is black and dirty, Aslan. You shouldn't love me. I'm not worth it."
"I choose to love you, Susan." Aslan purred, though tears fell down his gentle face as well. "Have you forgotten my promises so easily? Once a king or queen of Narnia, always a king or queen. I chose you and I have not forgotten you."
Susan wiped her nose as she looked at Him, hope encroaching on the edges of her heart.
"Truly, Aslan? After everything I've done, after how horrid I've been and after I hurt you with my own sin, you still care? You still want me?"
Just another moment in your eyes
I'll see you in another life
In heaven where we never say goodbye
The Great Lion let out a roar that was almost a chuckle as he nodded.
"My dear, I will always love you. All you need do is accept the gift of grace."
"Oh, I do, Aslan! I do accept it." Susan cried, leaping to her feet and rushing to embrace the Golden Lion that stood before her. The two tumbled onto the ground, Susan landing on His side as he left out another chuckle of a roar.
Susan felt as if her heart might burst with joy. For so long, she'd been burdened with this pain, this sin that threatened to consume her. But now she was free.
"I'm free. I'm free." she cried, tears of joy mingling with the drying tears of sorrow that were still upon her cheeks. She entangled her fingers in Aslan's mane as He purred contentedly.
She sat up after a long while, heart still giddy with it's lightness and saw something upon the ground that caused her to gasp.
Startled, she stared at her own form, lying still upon the ground. The pale face looked haggard, but peaceful, and when she touched it was cold.
"Aslan..." she said, not fully understanding.
"My daughter, your time in this life has come to an end. You're no longer bound to this world. Now you are free to joing me in My country." he smiled, nuzzling his soft head against her side.
It was then that Susan caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror that hung in the den of her home.
She looked like she had years ago, back in Narnia. Her face was soft and beautiful, her hair loose with curls falling around her face. She was in a white, Narnian dress that flowed elegantly and Susan closed her eyes as she felt the delicate fabric that she remembered so well.
And her golden crown that looked like intertwining leaves sat delicately upon her head.
She no longer looked like a twenty-one year old girl who had experienced far too much sorrow. She looked like a beautiful, gentle queen. She looked older, like she did when she was twenty-nine. She smiled as she took in the transformation.
"Shall we go, My child? I know I'm not the only one who missed you.
Susan felt her pulse quicken.
Peter.
Edmund.
Lucy.
Now that it's over
I just wanna hold her
I'd give up all the world to see that little piece of heaven looking back at me
Now that it's over
I just wanna hold her
I've gotta live with the choices I've made
And I can't live with myself today
Susan stepped through a door that brought her to a land that looked so much like Narnia- Her Narnia- that she wanted to cry.
She smiled pleasantly as she surveyed the land, but her eyes stopped when she saw three figures standing on the top of the hill. Each had an expression of shock plastered upon their faces. They'd stopped in their tracks, whatever they had been previously occupied in doing, forgotten.
Susan's eyes widened as she took them in, wondering partially if they would still accept her with open arms. She had hurt them so badly that she wouldn't blame them if they didn't.
Having her hand wrapped up in Aslan's mane, his movement pulled her forward until she stood in front of her family. Each one staring at her as if she were a ghost.
The first to move was Peter, he bolted forward and wrapped her in a ferocious hug that nearly engulfed her. She felt the tears land upon her shoulder and own slide down her face as the two wept in each other's arms.
"My sister, my dear little sister." Peter cried. "I thought I'd lost you." he held her tight, never wishing to let go. He was almost afraid that she would vanish if he did.
"I'm so sorry, Peter. I'm so sorry." was all she could manage. Breathing in his scent, she let him hold her- she'd missed him so much. So very much.
Pulling back after nearly an eternity, Peter's stormy blue eyes met hers and he smiled wide, a smile that had lingered only in her dreams for the lonely months that he had been gone.
Susan could hardly smile back as her tears continued to fall.
Behind him, Edmund's own eyes were overflowing with tears and Susan stepped over to him, wiping them gently away as she studied his beautiful face.
"Su?" his voice broke as he said it. "Is it really you?" he could hardly hold back the sobs that escaped with it.
"Yes, Eddie. It's me. I'm here, baby brother. I'm here." she cooed.
Edmund let out a wail that could have shattered the heart of anyone who heard it as he wrapped his arms around his older sister buried his head in her neck. His body trembled as she held him, though he was taller than she and nearly dwarfed her.
"You're back. You're truly back." he cried brokenly as she cradled him, petting his hair like she used to when he was younger. He stayed there, as if the motherly embrace would heal him of all the worry, all the hurt, he'd experienced from Susan herself. All of that was in the past now. This was Susan, the real Susan, his Susan.
"I'm so sorry." she repeated as she caressed him. "I love you so much, Edmund." she told him.
Finally, Edmund managed to let go and Susan relinquished him to Peter, as she had done many a time in the past. Peter wrapped his arms around his baby brother, lending him his own strength as his younger brother wept in his arms.
Looking down, she found Lucy sitting on the ground, her head in her hands. The girl's long curls fell around her face, covering it as her body shook with sobs.
"Oh, Lu." Susan whispered sadly as she sat down in front of her, taking the woman's hands from her face. Lucy looked up at her joy and sorrow mingling in her deep brown eyes.
Cupping Lucy's face in her hands, Susan kissed her forehead tenderly and looked at her again.
"My dear baby sister, my best friend." she soothed. "Thank you. Thank you for everything."
Scooting beside her, Lucy lay her head down in her sister's lap and continued to sob as Susan's tears fell upon the younger woman's head as she stroked and cradled her.
Here we are, now you're in my arms
Here we are for a brand new start
Got to live with the choices I've made
And I can't live with myself today
Aslan watched the scened unfolded with many a tear himself. One could not help but cry, for healing always bring tears especially when the wounds run deep.
It wasn't long before the four Kings and Queens of Old had shed their tears and replaced them with joyful activity. Susan recounted her tale of redemption and though it caused the others to cry once more, there faces beamed brighter now that their sister was her and their family was complete.
"Oh, Susan, we've missed you terribly. I'm ever so glad you're back- the real you, I mean."
"Me too, Lucy. Me too."
"Let's go back to Cair Paravel." Peter finally suggested, though he wanted to keep his little sister all to himself. However, he knew quite a few Narnians as well as their parents would want to see her as well.
"Cair Paravel?" Susan asked, wondering how it could be here, in Aslan's country.
"It's all here, Su." Edmund told her, his face filled with wonder and excitement. "It turns out that everything in Narnia, England, Archenland, America, and everywhere else, were only reflections. Now we're in the true Narnia. Our own was only a dim glimpse of beauty. This is what it was intended to be, and no evil can taint it."
Susan felt her heart quicken with the excitement the bubbled up within as the Four stood.
Lucy took her hand gently, the two queens standing eye to eye. As they walked, Lucy laid her beautiful head on her shoulder and Susan felt as if she could cry even more.
This was what she'd been aching for. And now she was here.
With her siblings.
With Aslan.
And it would never come to an end.
Got to live with the choices I've made
And I can't live with myself today
She would always remember her siblings. Always love them. Always cherish them.
She'd tasted what neglecting them felt like and couldn't live with herself that way. It had made her hard, calloused, and cruel.
Queen Susan the Gentle smiled as she watched her Southern sun set on the horizon.
She would always love her siblings.
But she would love Aslan infinitely more.
For it was He who created her. He who lead her through even the darkest of valleys. He who rescued her. And it was He who loved her.
More than she could ever comprehend.
Hey Lucy, I remember your name