I don't own Naruto. I don't own It's Not by Aimee Mann
I am getting a touch obsessive with ShikaTema, aren't I? I'm going to let some things in this fic explain themselves. Think a little bit, y'know?
W o r t h w h i l e
I keep going round and round on the same old circuit
A wire travels underground to a vacant lot
Where something I can't see interrupt the current
And shrinks the picture down to a tiny dot
And from behind the screen it can look so perfect
But it's not.
"Shikamaru?" she asks cautiously, almost sounding insecure. This surprises him as much as it surprises her.
"Yeah?"
She hesitates slightly before continuing. "Where are we going? I mean with this thing we have together. I . . . I don't want to spend all this time on something that won't lead anywhere." She's been thinking about this quite a lot lately, and she wonders if he can tell. Ever since . . .
Gaara.
All the time she had wasted fearing him, but now he was gone. It was too late to fix anything. If she hadn't wasted so much of her adolescence looking for a person to date, to screw, to waste time on, maybe she would have realized that before now. And now she wants to stop wasting her time on things that at the end of her life she won't even remember, but much less care about.
"Where's this coming from, all of a sudden?" Shikamaru asks curiously, laying an arm over her broad shoulders,almost without thinking about it.
"I regret a lot of things," she responds simply. "and I'm tired of it."
"Everyone regrets something, Temari . . . " She's so troublesome sometimes, especially when guilt and sadness has beat her down particularly hard that day. She's endearing, though, and to avoid getting sentimental, he thinks about her hands and their interesting abilities when she's in a good mood, instead of . . . cornier characteristics of hers he enjoys.
She pouts, but he only catches that much before she turns her face away. "Do you think we're going anywhere or not?"
""He cocks an eyebrow, and purses his lips, exasperated. She's in a horrid mood today. "Well, I'm not planning on proposing to you, if that's what you're asking. Do you want this to mean something, then? Maybe you're hoping I'll pronounce my undying and everlasting love for you, then? Just to make this all meaningful for you?"
She frowns. He always twists her words until she hardly knows what she meant anymore. Sometimes he annoys her beyond words. She just wants to know whether or not this something that will matter; that it isn't just time and energy she's throwing away.
"No, I don't, Shikamaru. But do you think this is worthwhile? If not, I have plenty of other things that need doing. So if—" She is cut off by his arm pulling away from her shoulder, and this leaves her skin exposed and cold. He stands up, glaring at her as he does so, and wants for her to respond. She almost regrets her words.
"So you want to get out of this, then? Fine. I'm up to here with your shit. You're a bossy, moody, guilt-ridden, strong-willed woman. All you do is bitch and whine, and I've put up with it all long enough. But not any long, alright? If this is some kind of training for something, for the 'real thing,' . . . fuck you. Just get the hell out of here." He glares down at her, his eyes fiery and full of passion. This is a strange reaction from him, the man that always managed to look bored and uninterested in everything he did.
She sits there, her expression blank. He doesn't seem to care. He's tired of he troublesome woman.
After a little while, she stands up, feeling numb. He's . . . kicking her away? She doesn't know exactly how she expected him to answer her question, but it wasn't this. She glances back at him when she reaches the door, but he's still glaring. This annoys her, how it seems to be bothering her so much more than it's distressing him.
"Good. At least now I'm not wasting my time with a loser like you."
SLAM
So here I'm sitting in my car at the same old stop light
I keep waiting for a change but I don't know what
So red turns into green turning into yellow
But I'm just frozen here on the same old spot
And all I have to do is to press the pedal
But I'm not
No, I'm not
She sits in her car, the sound of the engine, an odd mix of nerve-wracking and calming. If she were to sniff hard enough, she would be able to make out his scent all around her in this damn vehicle. The earthy aroma that had used to make her feel . . . twitchy, but in a good way. She watches the nearby traffic light flicker in the night, but she doesn't want to move.
Either she had never expected their time together to end (unlikely) or she hadn't wanted to think about them separating. It had seemed a long while off. And now it was here, lingering in the near past.
But now it had happened, and she doesn't know what to do next.
Kankurou?
Immediately she dismisses the very idea of asking her older brother for help. If she told him what happened he might do something drastic to Shikamaru, when it isn't even his fault. Kankurou wouldn't know how else to help.
She sighs, relenting, and puts the car into gear in one swift motion. She knows where to go. She just hopes that someone will be listening.
People are tricky
You can't afford to show
Anything risky
Anything they don't know
The moment you try
Kiss it goodbye
"Gaara, I'm right, you think so too, right?"
Place down.
"I mean, is it wrong to want the most out of my life?"
Silence.
"I think you would agree with me if you could speak."
Silence.
"After all, Shikamaru doesn't love me, and I don't love him. We can stand each other—no, it's more than that—we like each other, and we like the conversations and the sex, too. It's a good no-strings-attached relationship. It was. What was the point of staying together, though? We weren't going anywhere."
Step.
"I'm so tired of regretting things, Gaara."
Step.
"Can you turn back time? Stop myself from fearing you before its too late?"
Step.
"Can you make Shikamaru understand why I need our time to count for something for me to be able to enjoy it properly?"
"I can't believe it. You and 'Maru broke it off? I always thought you guys were pretty content."
Turn. Glare.
"Don't sneak up on people like that."
"Why'd you end it?"
Sit.
"Kiss my ass, Naruto. Stop being nosy."
Snort.
"Shikamaru's my friend. I know he liked you."
Drag. Blow.
"We weren't going anywhere."
"Why did you need to go somewhere? You do mean relationship-wise, right?"
"Yes, I do. Look, I want to do things that will matter in the big picture."
"Gaara and I never went anywhere. Obviously. He's pretty big picture to me."
Drag.
"He hated it when you smoked. Don't you think it's disrespectful to blow smoke onto his shrine?"
Blow.
"He liked the smell of it on his clothes. He just didn't want me to kill myself slowly. You know, 'Maru's probably crying his eyes out right about now."
Snort.
"Right. Because he's so sensitive."
"I told you, he liked you. A lot."
"So?"
"Well, 'Maru isn't a big let's-speak-of-our-feelings guy. For all I know, he loved you. Isn't that worthwhile enough for you?"
Silence.
"You're wrong. It was lust and like, that's all."
Drag. Blow.
"Whatever."
So baby, kiss me like a drug, like a respirator
And let me fall into the dream of the astronaut
Where I get lost in space that goes on forever
And you make all the rest just an afterthought
And I believe it's you who could make it better
But it's not.
No, it's not.
Knocking on the door, she isn't sure was she means to do once he opens it. She just knows she hates the way they ended things, with horrible words and ugly glares. She thinks he deserves more than that.
The door creaks open, but she can't find any words to say to the sight that greets her. Shikamaru, and he looks a complete mess. There are dark circles under his eyes. They're nowhere near Gaara's, but it brings a twinge of concern to her heart. It looks like the frown on his brow has been glued on.
"What do ya want?" His words are slurred, and his deep, earthy aroma has been smothered by the scent of liquor.
And all the words that she had thought up so meticulously were abandoned in a second, and were replaced by the heavy beating of her heart.
"Shikamaru . . ." She approached him, slowly, carefully, as if he were an animal she didn't want to scare away. He stood there, looking confused, and messy, and beautiful in his flaws. He always drank too much when he was depressed.
She's kissing those lips she's kissed them thousands of times before, and they taste of too much whiskey, and of tears. Maybe they're her own because she can feel them on her cheeks. She hates the taste of whiskey, but her arms feel so right around him, that she can't pull away.
He doesn't respond for a long while. In fact, she's always broken away before he moves.
"What was that for?" He asks, his eyes looking glazed and perplexed.
"Naruto's a complete idiot, but my brother loved him for some reason, I suppose. He's one of the few people who cared for my brother when no one else did. And if he says that this might be worthwhile . . . who am I to argue?" Temari knows the explanation is weak, but she also knows Shikamaru is drunk as hell, and wouldn't understand the explanation to two plus two.
"Get out, Temari."
She looks up at him in surprise. "What?" She can't seem to say more than that when he's wrapping her arms from around him, and pushing her away gently.
"Look, you think you can tell me all that shit about how this thing we have isn't worth your time and then come back and be all forgiven? Don't insult my intelligence. Don't insult your own." He's angry and proud and so very much Shikamaru, even when he's drunk.
"I . . . miss you."
"It's only been a day, Temari," Shikamaru scoffs. "I bet you're just horny."
She reaches over and slaps him for that. She's never liked the dirty jokes, and she's not about to start taking them now. Her hand stings, but the look on his face is enough to make up for it.
"Get out," he repeats, his voice practically overflowing with withheld fury.
"Look, I just don't want what happened with Gaara to ever repeat itself. I was so concentrated on the stupid things like kissing and fear that I didn't love him like he deserved."
"I told you to get out. I fucking mean it, Temari."
"Just let me explain for a bit, Shikamaru!" She's desperate now. She never really expected him to be so angry. And the fact that he's drunk isn't helping matters.
"Why? I just don't wanna see you anymore. So, buh-bye!" He points past her, in to the hallway. She ignores the finger, and just plows on despite his unwillingness to listen.
"I've always been so independent, and I've tried defeated all the stupidity about women being weak and clingy. So maybe that's another reason I didn't want to get attached—" She's stepping towards him as speaks, looking at him dead on, making sure he's listening to this. She's baring her soul to him, and she needs him to hear this.
"But you did, and now you can't live without me? That's it? You want to break your own rules and cling to me like there's no tomorrow? Well, fuck you, Temari. As I've said again, and again, get out."
"I fucking love you, asshole!" She screams at him, tired of him trying to tell her leave. She just wants him understand, damn it.
"I love you, too. Now get out."
There's a silence then that lasts at least a minute. Neither of them can believe they just said what they did, but Shikamaru is too drunk to really care. "Get out!"
"Fine," Temari whispers, not sure whether to be angry that her plan about being on better terms with him was defeated, or sad that now that they've finally figured out their feelings he doesn't want anything more to do with her, or just plain numb. She turns to leave.
He doesn't stop her. He slams the door behind her.
I didn't want a happy ending for this story. Either that, or I couldn't think of one that wasn't crap. Although I don't know if I can't say the same for this ending.
Show me some love, please!