Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters from the TV show, "Hawaii Five-0," featured in this work of fiction, and am not making any profit, monetary, or otherwise, through the writing of this.
A/N: This is AU, and a little on the 'crack' side of fiction (okay, a lot on the 'crack' side of fiction). It features some events which some readers might find a little 'racy' (probably not), and it does have some vulgar language in it. Lono and Maui, while patterned after Hawaiian gods, are portrayed in a manner which is not in keeping with how they would be described in any legends (I am fashioning them a little differently). This is not meant to be taken overly seriously. It is cheesy, and sappy, and completely ridiculous in places. I really don't know why or how this came to be, just that one day my mind pictured the characters of Five-0 as marshmallows, and I could imagine marshmallow Steve and Danny arguing about the circumstances that had led them to being turned into marshmallows. This was supposed to be maybe two or three hundred words, a glimpse at the team's work as guardians of Hawaii, and nothing more. It's quite a bit longer than that. I hope that you - whoever it is that decides to read this crazy thing - don't mind.
A/N 2: I did proofread this but know that I am imperfect (sadly so). Please be forgiving of any errors that you find herein (some may very well be intentional 'errors', and others might just be accidents - the other day, I saw it's instead of its in something that I'd written and nearly had a panic attack; I'm trying not to obsess).
"Could you move over a little?" Steve tried to keep the mounting anger and panic out of his voice, but, judging by the way that Danny didn't exactly move over so much as he crowded him a little more, he wasn't very successful. Danny probably was probably trying to keep his cool, too.
"Move over? How's that, Steven? Comfy? Cozy?" Danny's voice was filled with vitriol, and Steve did not feel comfy or cozy, he felt squashed and sticky.
"Guys!" Kono's voice rang out, and the pressure on Steve eased a little as Danny scooted over just a little, but not enough to really make Steve feel comfortable. This situation they were in gave new meaning to the word, compact.
"It's just so damn tight in here," Steve complained, regretting the words leaving his mouth a second too late to recall them.
"Well, maybe if somebody had kept his big mouth shut, somebody would have had plenty of room to himself, and we wouldn't be in this big, sticky mess!" Danny's shout reverberated in the small space and he seemed to swell as he spoke, making Steve decidedly more uncomfortable than he had been just seconds before.
"Danny, Steve, there's nothing we can do about any of this right now. We all need to just take it easy." Chin said, ever the voice of reason and diplomacy, even in their current, less than ideal, situation.
"Take it easy?" Danny muttered. "I think we're melting in here. Honest to god, melting, and all because, Mr. Tall Dark and I-AM-A-FUCKING-NAVY-SEAL who doesn't think before he speaks, here, decided to tell Maui, a god, mind you, that he thought he'd be taller in person. I mean, it's one thing to toss these mindless, neolithic barbs in my direction; I'm used to it, and I can't change you into a gingerbread man, or a...a big, fat, gooey marshmallow on its way to a camping trip!"
Kono snickered, and Danny was accidentally shoved into Steve who scowled, though he doubted that anyone could see it. All he could see was an endless wall of white towering over and around him. He knew that Danny was right beside him, in the very middle. Chin and Kono were somewhere behind them, and, though Chin made a soft, tutting sound, he didn't say anything as they were jostled around.
"It wasn't my fault," Steve mumbled, and he shifted away, or tried to, but Danny was right, they were getting a little melty and they had started to stick together, literally. This is a nightmare, Steve thought.
"Great." Danny's voice rumbled through Steve's body. "We're melted to each other. In the world of s'mores, you realize that we're now the cream of the crop? That little, grubby fingers will be rifling through the bag and we'll be the first to go?"
"You don't know that they're going to make s'mores, Danny." Steve tried to pull away from Danny, but only succeeded in getting them more stuck together. If they got any more attached to each other, they'd be a single entity. Not something that Steve really wanted to think about right now. It was hot and stuffy, and Danny was in a pissy mood, not that Steve could blame the man turned marshmallow, and Steve had no idea how on earth they were supposed to accomplish their god-assigned task as marshmallows. Getting glued to an unhappy, snippy Danny for the duration was not on the agenda.
"It's a group of Girl Scouts, Steven, what the hell do you think they're going to do with a bag of marshmallows? Set up a tea party for them? Maybe dress them up in teeny tiny outfits and play house?" Danny asked, in a voice that only grew angrier as he continued, "Of course we're going to be made into s'mores. It's an imperative of camping. I can picture it now," Danny said, and if he'd had arms and hands, Steve knew that they'd be flailing - er moving in perfect concert with his words, to emphasize his points - right about now. As it was, Danny's vehemence was only serving to turn up the heat in the plastic bag that was their (hopefully) temporary home and make them all swell a little uncomfortably.
"Stop it, Danny, you're making me bloat," Kono reprimanded. "Now, Chin and I are as much conjoined twins with neighboring marshmallows as the two of you are, and, unlike the two of you, neither of us is interested in getting that intimate with anything else in here."
"I'm...excuse me? I'm making you bloat?" Danny huffed, and Steve thought that maybe he understood why Danny hated tight spaces so much. It was no picnic, being trapped. "Excuse me for thinking like a rational man, here. We are marshmallows, people. MARSHMALLOWS. And need I remind you that we are currently on our way to a campsite? And all because Super SEAL here thought that he'd call Maui a shorty. He's taller than me, by the way."
"I didn't call him a shorty, Danny," Steve said, defending himself. "I merely said -"
"Steve, as much as this pains me to say, Danny's right, brah, you called the god who sends us out on missions as guardians of Hawaii, a shorty, in a manner of speaking. I'm not saying that he wouldn't have done this to us anyway; he does have an interesting sense of humor, but..." Chin trailed off, allowing Steve to draw his own conclusions.
"Yeah, Boss," Kono agreed with her cousin, "you totally called him a shorty."
"Oh, for Chri-"
"Look, I don't know how we're going to get out of this mess. Maybe Steve just has to apologize, or maybe we'll have to figure out how to save these girls in our current form," Chin cut Steve off, and Steve would have gladly removed himself from the vicinity of his 'friends' who were making a mountain of a molehill, but he couldn't go anywhere. He, and the others, were trapped.
"But, we need to stop tossing around blame, and start coming up with a plan. We weren't chosen to be guardians of Hawaii because of our skills for debate; we were chosen because we -"
"Are totally kick ass heroes," Kono interrupted with a whoop that made Steve's head spin. Or, well, if he'd had a head, it would have spun. He was definitely, decidedly feeling a bit spinny.
"Because, when we work together, we are an unbeatable team," Chin finished as though Kono hadn't interjected.
"We can't get more 'together' than we are right now, and I hate to break it to you two 'Wonder Twins', but we don't exactly have any arms and legs with which to kick proverbial ass," Danny grumbled. "I don't know about you guys, but I am not looking forward to having a sharp, pointy stick shoved up my ass, and being roasted over open flames. With my luck, I'll end up on the stick of the pyromaniac girl of the bunch."
"But, we are able to communicate with each other," Chin pointed out calmly.
"Danny, you said it yourself, they're Girl Scouts, not acolytes of Charles Manson." Steve was starting to get aggravated. Usually it was Danny, with his acerbic comments, who caused these types of 'sensitivity' issues, not him. He didn't understand why height was such an issue for some people. Shortness could be an asset in some situations.
"Acolytes? Who bought you a word of the day calendar?" Danny asked. "And just so you know, they may look like kind-hearted, innocent girls on the outside, but I'll have you know, that on the inside, each and every single one of those girls secretly enjoys roasting the tar out of marshmallows."
"Even Grace?" Kono asked teasingly.
Danny shuddered, and said, "Trust me when I say that you do not want to know, Kono. You do not want to know."
"Just because I'm not as verbose as you, Daniel, doesn't mean that I don't know words like, acolyte," Steve said, bristling at the slight on his intellect, and inadvertently causing himself, and other marshmallows in the bag, to swell as though they were in a microwave rather than riding in the trunk of the troop leader's car, which was dark and stuffy, and in no way an ideal way to travel.
"Enough!" Chin's voice rang out in the plastic bag. "If you two keep this up, we're going to become a single, gooey marshmallow mass, and we won't be of any use to those girls, or Hawaii."
Kono made a rather undignified sound, something that was a cross between a chortle and an 'aha', and started bouncing around as much as she could, getting the four of them stuck to their companion, inanimate marshmallows, and causing a din of complaints from her three teammates that she ignored in her enthusiasm.
Steve had never felt so trapped in his life, and he wondered, for the first time since they'd become aware of the transformation, if Danny was okay. He'd been chewing Steve out, and that was a sign that Danny was uncomfortable, but Steve had been so focused on defending himself, and what he'd said to Maui, and trying to get unstuck, that he hadn't once thought about how hard this had to be on his partner who hated tight spaces. He really was a big doofus, as Danny was fond of saying.
"Kono?" Chin kept his voice low, as though afraid of making his cousin go even more berserk than she already was.
"I figured it out, guys," Kono said, her voice filled with excitement, as she continued bouncing.
"What did you figure out?" Chin asked, his voice practically oozing with patience that Steve did not feel, especially with how uncomfortably close and hot and sticky everything had become since Kono's odd outburst.
"We need to stick together," Kono said slowly, as though explaining something obvious and self-explanatory to a dull individual incapable of adding two and two. "It's the only way that we can save the girls, guys. Think about it. Why else, aside from Steve's insult to Maui, would he and Lono have done this to us?"
"Hey!" Steve protested, but he was ignored.
"I think I'm going to be sick," Danny said. "Guys, I need to get out of here, NOW. And Kono, you need to stop bouncing. I don't know if marshmallows can hurl, or not, but I might be the first one to do so."
"Take it easy, Danny," Chin said. "I know you're uncomfortable right now. We all are. Just focus on your breathing, and try to picture yourself somewhere else, okay? Kono, what are you thinking?"
"You know, how last time, when we were turned into gingerbread people, it was because Maui and Lono had ulterior motives, yeah?" Kono was warming up to the subject, her voice gaining in volume.
Steve wondered if marshmallows could blush, as it was, he felt himself grow decidedly warmer, which was not necessarily a good thing. He'd seen bags of marshmallows that had been left out in the sun for too long. There hadn't been individual marshmallows left in the bag, but rather a large blob of white goo. He did not want to turn them into a gob of marshmallow fluff just because he was recalling certain things that had happened as a result of their time spent in gingerbread land. If he wasn't mistaken, Danny was going a little gooey himself at the memory.
"Yes," Chin said in a thin voice. "We were all present when they explained it to us, and asked if we'd be willing guardians of the lands of Hawaii, though I think we can all agree that this is not what any of us had in mind when we volunteered." His, 'what's your point?' was left unsaid, but was adamantly clear in his tone of voice.
"I think they're trying to teach us a lesson," Kono said, her voice no less enthusiastic than it had been earlier. "About team work. I mean, you gotta admit, guys, that these past couple of weeks we've all been at each other's throats, and you and Danny haven't exactly been all...you know... lately."
"I don't get it, how is being turned into an arm and leg less marshmallow supposed to teach us how to work as a team?" Steve asked. Was it just him, or was it starting to get hotter? Did marshmallows sweat?
"Well, if you hadn't noticed, Boss, we're kind of all stuck together here, and in order to get out of this, intact, we can't do it individually. If we do, it'll be like Danny said, on the pointy end of a stick hoisted over a hot fire," Kono said, and Steve could hear the eye-roll even if he couldn't see it. He wondered what they actually looked like. If they had faces, or if they appeared to be standard, everyday marshmallows.
"So, if we work together we can become the Stay Puft Marshmallow man?" Danny asked skeptically. His voice sounded a lot less shaky, now that Kono had stopped bouncing around.
"No, I think that if we make this entire bag of marshmallows one big, massive marshmallow, we will avoid becoming s'mores, which will at least give us a better chance at saving these girls from that maniac," Kono said.
"So, what, we're supposed to think hot thoughts, or something?" Danny asked. He sounded tired, and Steve's heart clenched. He had been neglecting Danny lately.
"That's a start," Kono said a little too cheerfully. "Maybe you and Steve could ah..." she cleared her throat, and Steve groaned.
"Kono." Steve wished that he had arms and legs, so he could throttle the young lady. "Now is not the time for Danny and I to -"
"Get all hot and bothered?" Chin supplied, coughing to hide his embarrassment.
Steve sputtered, and Danny squawked, and Kono laughed out loud.
"Or, maybe a little jiggy?" Kono suggested.
"Oh, my god," Danny moaned. "I am not going to 'get it on' or 'get jiggy' with Mr. Puff, here. I mean, I don't even...how...just...no, no, no. I...Chin? Steve, please help me out here."
"Mr. Puff? And who exactly would you be, then, Danny? Mr. Fluff?" Steve couldn't help but get angry at his partner.
"All I'm trying to say, here, Steven, and little Miss Lolita, and Dr. Love, is that there is no way that Steve and I can get on with anything in our current state of being, let alone what you are insinuating. In case you may have missed the past twenty minutes or so of our lives, but we are MARSHMALLOWS. M-A-R-S-H-mallows. Marshmallows do not 'get it on,' and they most certainly do not get 'jiggy' with each other." Danny's marshmallow body grew along with the angry tenor of his voice until Steve was afraid that he'd burst through the packaging if he got too upset.
"Danny, calm down," Steve said. "Look, I think that what Kono and Chin are suggesting is that we kind of, just, uh...merge with each other?"
"Yeah." Chin cleared his throat. "Merge. That's all that we're asking. Isn't it, Kono?"
"Why do I feel like a voyeur?" Kono asked. "I wish that I had hands, so I could put them over my eyes, and peek through my fingers, though, I can't actually really see anything in here. It's all just a white mass of, well, white. Though, I can see out of the package, a little, I've got a lovely view of the underside of the top of the trunk."
Steve cleared his throat.
"But, I digress," Kono hastened on in her speech, "and maybe you guys can't actually do anything. You know, maybe we should just get Danny and Steve to argue again..."
"Kono, do me a favor?" Danny asked.
Kono coughed. "Yes, Danny?"
"Shut up."
"I can totally do that," Kono agreed. "This is me, shutting up."
"So, Steven, what do you say we try to 'merge'?" Danny asked.
"What? Here?" Steve did not squeak. He did not. It was a combination of his marshmallow voice and the slightly tighter quarters that made him sound as if he had.
"Look, you're part of why we're in this mess, and you have to admit that you and Danny haven't exactly been seeing eye-to-eye recently, and Chin and I can't..." Kono swallowed audibly. "I mean, even if we were in closer proximity to one another, I just... ugh. Look, Boss, just do it for the team? For Hawaii? For your country? Please?"
"Do it for the team?" Steve repeated in another not-squeaky tone of voice.
Danny laughed, and then sobered up quickly. "Tensions have been high lately, and honestly, I've missed you - us. Fuck, I think I'm getting all mushy. My brains have officially turned into marshmallow fluff. Tell me this is not going to be permanent."
"It is not going to be permanent," Chin deadpanned. "Now, for all of our sakes, would you two heat things up in here? Kono's rambunctious actions only managed to melt us all just a litltle. We need to generate a lot more heat if we're going to become one massive marshmallow brick."
"Marshmallow brick?" Steve tried to envision it in his head, tried not to think about what Kono and Chin were waiting for him and Danny to do, or how they were going to manage to do it as marshmallows. It was bizarre, and Steve hoped that Maui would have a change of heart and magically transform them back to their human forms.
"Would a little mood music help?" Kono asked in a small voice. "'It's getting hot in here, so take off all your -'"
"No, it would not," Danny responded firmly.
"Maybe if you two just think sexy thoughts?" Chin said.
"Think sexy thoughts, sure. Right now I'm roughly the size of a thimble, and I feel like a bloated whale that's been vomited onto the beach, and is currently roasting in the sun. All I can think about is this 'jousting tournament' that my daughter showed me on YouTube where you put a pair of Peeps together in the microwave, you know after inserting a toothpick in each of them, and start the microwave and then watch them poke each other with the toothpicks once they've swelled, roughly, to the size of a misshapen baseball. That's two and a half minutes of my life that I will never get back. Why couldn't Maui have made us into Peeps? The rabbit ones, not the little chicks. Then we'd have legs, and arms, and drawn on eyes, which would be something to work with," Danny's voice petered out, and he took a deep breath.
"Danny, we're all in the same boat, here," Steve said. "I know that you're nervous about this. I am, too. What Kono's suggesting might not even work, but it's all we've got. I love you, Danny."
"And I love you, too, Steven, but that's not the point. I'm not sure how exactly we're supposed to merge with each other. We're marshmallows, just in case you've missed the memo," Danny said, stating the obvious, and giving voice to Steve's misgivings. "And just because we're marshmallows, doesn't mean that you need to get all sappy on me, buddy. I love you? Really?"
"Fine, Danny," Steve said. "Let's do it for the team, or our country, then."
Not sure if it would work, but throwing caution to the wind, Steve concentrated on moving his marshmallow self as much as he could so that he would be 'facing' Danny. It wasn't easy, because, like Kono, and like the others, he could only see a mess of white blobs, which had started to stick together.
"We can do this, Danno," Steve said, voice growing husky as he thought about the last time they'd been together, nearly two weeks ago.
It was before the case which had led them to this, had started. It had been a time consuming case, and tensions had run high within the whole team. They'd all been snapping at each other, and had lost sight of what they all meant to each other, and that they were, when all was said and done, 'ohana.
Tensions were still running high, and if they were unable to catch this man who preyed on children tonight, then Steve worried that the team might fall apart. Maybe that's what Maui and Lono had seen when the gods had approached his team with this assignment. They hadn't given them many details, beyond the threat to the girls, and the atrocity that would happen if the man Five-0 had been trying to track down wasn't stopped tonight. What they'd been told was enough to make their blood run cold, and they had agreed to work as the gods' guardians on this case without second guessing it. Steve was now second guessing their willingness to do the gods' bidding without getting more details ahead of time, but there was no going back, even if they failed.
"Maybe we should just try rubbing against each other?" Steve said. "You know like that one time when we -"
Chin cleared his throat, and Kono made a strangled sound that Steve found hard to interpret. Did Kono want him to stop his reminiscing, or continue?
"Guys, could you keep it down a little? Maybe whisper or something? Not that I mind being a fly on the wall, or anything, but I think that you're making Chin uncomfortable," Kono said with a nervous chuckle.
"This from the woman who suggested that we 'get jiggy'," Danny teased. "So, rubbing?"
"Yeah," Steve breathed the word out, and tried to focus, not on the rounded white walls surrounding them, or the sticky closeness, or the fact that Kono and Chin were somewhere nearby, but on Danny, the man that he really did love, no matter what shape Danny took, or how mad he got, or how difficult he could be at times.
"Rubbing, huh?" Danny's voice was low and seductive, and Steve could feel himself, along with Danny, heating up as they started to rub up against each other.
It was as awkward as a first kiss, more so, actually, and felt nothing like getting to first or second base, or even third base. The lack of hands, hell, any appendages, made the act seem almost obscene in nature. He felt like he was on fire, and, for a second, he feared that this rubbing against Danny was a hallucination, that maybe this was his imagination playing tricks on him, that he was, in reality, being dangled from the tip of a rudimentary carved stick, flames licking at him, charring the outer white layer so that he could be 'skinned' and the crunchy outer layer consumed as he was placed over the fire again, and set aflame, only to have the flames doused on the back of a thick chunk of chocolate and the hard, crunchy surface of a graham cracker.
Still, they continued to rub up against each other, and it was one of the more intense, intimate feelings Steve had ever experienced with Danny, with anyone. There were fireworks somewhere. He felt and saw them. Heard them booming in the small confines of the packaging within which they were entrapped.
It was just when he felt like he was about to explode that Chin and Kono's voices, hoarse, maybe from calling out more than once, came through, interrupting the fireworks, the impending implosion, his becoming one with Danny.
"Bosses, I think that's enough. You can stop now," Kono's voice cracked on the last word.
Danny either hadn't heard, or simply didn't want to stop, because he kept moving, and, though Steve wanted to continue this until the end, until they'd both spontaneously combusted, bursting from the package in a single gooey mess of melted goodness that stained the inside of the troop leader's trunk, he stilled, knowing that, eventually, Danny would stop moving against him, and the almost overwhelming sensations that made him feel like he was burning from the inside out would cease.
"Wha-" Danny's voice was wrecked, and he stopped mid rub, trying to understand what had happened, why Steve had stopped moving against him.
"Guys, you've done enough." Chin's voice sounded strained. "Any more, and I think we're all going to become casualties of...whatever that was... spattered on the inside of this lady's trunk."
Steve felt as though part of him was actually pressed deep inside of Danny, and as though, in a manner of speaking, they were a single entity. One giant marshmallow. He'd seen a package of them once. Jumbo. They were now jumbo marshmallows, all gummy and adhered to each other in a single blob of rounded edges.
They'd done it, and, though he felt a stab of pride, he also felt intensely uncomfortable. He didn't mind becoming a hot, sticky mess with Danny, but he did mind sharing that experience with a package of interloping marshmallows, and it was more than a little disconcerting having Chin and Kono bear witness to whatever it was that he and Danny had actually done. The phrase, making love, somehow seemed inadequate. They'd experienced something deeper than that. Something at the visceral level. Primal, all raw heat, and a merging of, not only bodies, but of minds, and souls.
"You guys really generated a lot of heat," Kono said, and were they not marshmallows, Steve knew that she would be blushing. "I feel like I've got my back pressed against a wall. It gives a little, but it's still a wall. I think you two are located somewhere in the middle of the marshmallows, but Chin and I are on the outside edges of the package, and let me tell you, it's getting hot in here."
"It's hot over here, too," Steve said, voice quiet.
"Real hot," Danny uttered. "Steve, I -"
"Don't worry, Danny, we'll get out of here, and I'll apologize to Maui; maybe next time he won't change us into something that little kids eat. I guess it's a good thing that we weren't slated for hot chocolate, or Rice Krispee bars," Steve said, trying to lighten the mood, and stave off Danny's panic attack before it could begin. He was surprised that Danny hadn't already had one. Being in such a tight, unforgiving space with no way out, had to be wearing on the man's nerves, add to that the fact that he was a relatively helpless marshmallow, and it was the recipe for a disaster. Or, it should have been, but Danny had not caved, at least not yet.
"You good, Danno?" Steve whispered, not wanting the cousins to hear.
He wanted to hold Danny and almost laughed at the absurdity of his thoughts. He couldn't be any closer to Danny than he already was. They were, in effect, glued together. Where one of them ended, the other began, or maybe they had really and truly merged, no seams, no ends, just a single McDanno marshmallow.
Danny let out a shuddering breath. "Yeah, just wondering how we're going to stop this maniac, and wondering what the fuck just happened between us. I mean...wow, Steve, babe. I...there are no words."
"Fireworks," Steve said, wishing he could kiss Danny, and wondering what Danny would taste like right now. Would he still taste like the Danny that he'd kissed the other day, or would he be sweeter?
"Yeah, fireworks, and god, I felt like I was on fire, Steve, and I didn't care. I wanted to burn," Danny spoke the words as though they were a confession.
"Guys, I don't know what it is that you're doing, but I'm starting to get a little more bloaty than I want to be, and I'm already feeling self-conscious enough as it is," Kono said. "Please stop. I will never complain about swollen ankles or feet again, once we get back to our normal selves."
"I'll hold you to that," Chin said.
"How are you doing, Chin?" Steve asked.
"I could use some fresh air. The car's stopped moving, but no one has opened the trunk yet. I think that they're getting everything else in the camp setup. We may be in for a long wait," Chin said.
Steve hadn't noticed that the car had stopped moving, but he had been a little busy at the time, so he hoped that it would be forgiven him. They had to work on a game plan, though, now that they were at the campground.
"We need a plan of action," he said. "My unintentional insult to Maui aside, he and Lono would not have made us into marshmallows if it would be impossible for us to stop our target. I'm thinking that Kono was right on the money about Maui having an ulterior motive, and this is probably supposed to be a lesson for us."
"Team work, bonding, you two becoming more solid as a couple," Kono listed the reasons she felt were behind the absurd transmogrification.
"But why would Maui and Lono care about Steve and I?" Danny asked the question that was on Steve's mind.
"Because, together, you two are an indomitable force. The closer and more in tune you are with each other, the stronger you become," Chin said. "When your souls are merged together, harmony is achieved; think about all that you could do if you were more in tune with each other on that level. As Heraclitus once said, 'Couples are wholes and not wholes, what agrees disagrees, the concordant is discordant. From all things one and from one all things.' It isn't Maui and Lono who need you and Steve to become a harmonious couple, Danny, it is Hawaii herself that needs this."
"What about you and Kono?" Steve asked, feeling as though something had shifted and righted itself inside of him. It left him a little dizzy, and he wondered if Danny had felt it, too, or if he would approach this idea as he had some of the island beliefs that he'd scoffed at when he'd first moved to the island. He'd come a long way in the intervening years, but Danny was still a boy from Jersey when all was said and done, and that's part of what Steve loved about him, and part of what he hated at times.
"We're part of your 'ohana. The support and backbone. Without us, there would be no family. Hawaii needs all four of us," Chin said. "And she needs the two of you to be at your best and strongest. You're at your strongest when you're together, working in concert with each other, like instruments in a symphony."
"Wow, that's deep, cuz," Kono murmured.
"Huh, if you're the backbone, would that make Steve and I the heart, then?" Danny asked.
"The heart and soul," Chin stated, and Steve could hear a smile in the older man's voice.
"That's kind of...daunting," Danny said.
"But it's nothing that the two of you, together, cannot handle," Chin assured him.
"With your and Kono's help," Danny said.
"With our help," Chin agreed.
Steve cleared his throat, not wanting to end this moment of mind-reeling revelation, but needing to get a plan in place before the trunk was opened and they were carted out with the rest of the food, hopefully not tossed into a garbage can. "None of us would be who we are, and where we are, uh, that is -"
"What Steve is trying, but failing to say, is, thank you, Chin, for your astute observations, but we need to figure out what we're going to do to stop a killer from claiming nine lives tonight," Danny finished Steve's thought.
"Well, I was thinking," Kono said a little hesitantly. "Now that we're kind of all glued together, maybe we could figure out how to roll, or move the bag in some way? And freak out the killer, or maybe just trip him? Crap, that sounded better in my head. I'm sorry guys."
"No, it's a good idea, Kono," Steve said, his mind supplying blueprints and combat moves that he'd learned when he was a SEAL. Without any visuals, other than gooey, mountainous mounds of tacky white, it was difficult to plan a tactical offense, though. Whatever happened, they'd be going in virtually blind, and at an extreme disadvantage, which would teach them not to rely solely on their senses. Perhaps another lesson that their godly benefactors wanted them to take away from this experience, provided that they didn't fail in their task, or die trying.
"You will intervene should their lives be in mortal danger, yes?" Lono asked Maui as he regarded the team. He was impressed, overall, with the conclusions that the youngest and oldest on the team of guardians had made; they were spot on, but the two cousins did have old souls, and were native to the islands, and the other two were young and impulsive, much like his companion, Maui.
"Yes, Uncle," Maui said. "It is not my intention that anyone should die tonight."
"Then why, pray tell, did you make your chosen guardians into something so vulnerable?" Lono asked, knowing the answer but needing to hear it from the younger god, because Maui, too, had a lesson to learn in this. A lesson, which, given the boy's temperament, would more than likely need to be repeated several times before it finally sank in. And because Maui was under Lono's purview, it fell upon his shoulders to teach the younger god the ropes, and bring him before the council for discipline should that be necessary. He hoped that it would not be necessary.
When Maui didn't answer, but shifted from one foot to the other and squinted as he watched the trunk open, and the removal of the goods, including the bag of marshmallows that held Hawaii's guardians in it, Lono cleared his throat and placed a hand on the younger god's shoulder. Maui was stubborn and had a quick temper, which is what Lono wanted the boy to confess to, that he hadn't acted with a sound mind, but in a fit of rage.
Maui shrugged Lono's hand off and paced back and forth in front of the looking glass that allowed them to glimpse into the world of the mortals. He chewed at a hangnail, and wouldn't meet Lono's eyes.
"The truth, Maui," Lono said. "Why give them such an important task and then cripple them in such a way as this?"
Maui shrugged, and looked at Lono out of the corner of his eye. "To do what Kono said, teach them how to work together, and help Steve and Danny become a stronger couple," he said haltingly.
Lono chuckled and shook his head. Pointing a finger in his companion's direction he said, "I did not ask for half truths, and fancy deflections. Is it as the guardians said? Did you act in anger when you gave them their assignment, because of what your chosen leader, Steve, said?"
Maui glowered and turned his back on his mentor. His shoulders hunched over, and he muttered, "Maybe."
Lono placed a hand on Maui's shoulder, and this time it was not shrugged off. He pulled the younger god toward himself, and ran a comforting hand through Maui's wild hair, tucking the smaller god beneath his chin. Placing a kiss on top of the irascible god's head, he held him for a long moment, before pushing Maui back far enough for him to look the younger god in the eyes. The golden rimmed orbs were filled with raw emotion - like the volcanoes locked beneath the oceans, ever roiling and bursting forth, creating new lands with destructive, explosive force - and Lono was momentarily distracted.
He rubbed the younger god's arms, and smiled at him, letting Maui know that he still loved him, even though he was disappointed in the choice that he had made with regard to his charges. The champions that Maui had hand picked, and Lono had reluctantly approved of, to guard the home of their people.
"You're disappointed," Maui said in a sullen voice, lower lip protruding.
Lono poked at the lower lip and pressed a kiss to the younger god's lips. It was chaste and nothing out of the ordinary between them, but Maui's breath hitched in his chest, and his eyes filled with tears.
"I didn't mean to do it. Not really. It's just he made me so mad," Maui said, fire blazing in his eyes as he recalled what Steve had said.
"The mortal hurt your feelings," Lono said. "Maui, you cannot lash out like that every time someone hurts your feelings. Especially not when a mortal is involved. They are fragile, and their bodies cannot withstand what ours can. What if, one day, something I say offends you? Or what about your sister, Pele? What will you do to us to put us in our place, as you've done with your Steve and Danny and their friends?"
Maui's eyes grew wide and he shook his head, a horrified look on his face. "I wouldn't do anything to hurt you, Uncle. I love you."
"But you would hurt those you chose from the world that we protect, because one of the mortals made a comment about your stature? What was it that your Kono said he'd called you? A shorty?" Lono asked, a teasing tone underlying the more serious tenor of his voice.
It was a serious matter, not only were the four guardians' lives in danger, but that of eight children, and one young woman, who, if the guardians failed in their work, would be lost forever, their stars snuffed out before they had even begun to shine. They were all precious, each a star in her own right, but one in particular would be a great loss to the world should she be killed tonight. That was not for the mortals to know, though. That was a knowledge only for the gods.
A tear slipped down Maui's cheek and Lono thumbed it away. He held the younger god, wouldn't let him look away, though he tried to. "You cannot allow your temper to run away with you, young one, and not because the council will intervene and you will have to face the disciplinary panel, but because it is not right, Maui, and it is time for you to learn to control your temper."
Maui sniffed, but nodded, his cheeks ruddy with embarrassment over the chastisement. Lono had done the right thing in not bringing this to the council yet.
"Besides, you are a shorty," Lono teased, pulling the boy to him and holding him until the tears subsided and he let out a watery chuckle.
"Am not," Maui said when he pulled back.
"There's nothing wrong with being short of stature," Lono said, and he held up his hand to forestall any further arguing, pointing, instead, toward the looking glass.
The bag of marshmallows was being discarded on a table, a look of disgust crossed the young woman's face - the troop leader - when she examined the ruined bag of marshmallows. "I knew I should have put them in the cooler," she said quietly. In a louder voice, she called the girls to the picnic table. Lono smiled at their enthusiasm, at the vigor of the youth who joined their leader around the table.
"I'm afraid that I have some bad news," she declared, in an overly dramatic voice that made it sound like she was about to announce that someone had died. If the circumstances had been different, Lono might have laughed when the girls exchanged worried looks and made wild guesses as to what the bad news could be.
"The marshmallows have suffered a dreadful end. I'm afraid that we won't be able to make s'mores tonight," the leader said. She held up the bag of melted marshmallows, and Lono noticed that it was moving, minutely, but enough for him to see that it was moving independently of her actions. He wondered if the woman had noticed, but she placed the bag back on the picnic table, giving the girls an apologetic look when they groaned, and complained about their lost treat.
Maui drew in a deep breath, and blinked at the scene that unfolded, and Lono smiled to himself. The boy was learning that when he let his temper loose, without thinking, it impacted more than just his intended target. Something that the members of the council could not teach him through a punishment that would have little to do with Maui's actions. Real life consequences would teach the boy what the council never could.
"I didn't know that would happen," Maui said.
"You did not think your actions through to all possible outcomes," Lono said, directing the younger god to turn his gaze away from him and back to their charges.
"I didn't," Maui admitted.
"Girls, I know that you're disappointed, but we can go into town tomorrow and pick up another bag of marshmallows, and have s'mores tomorrow night," the leader said, raising her voice to be heard over the girls' upset murmurs.
"Does everyone have their tent mate?" The girls rose their hands, and stood by their chosen tent mate. "Good. Let's get a campfire started, and we can enjoy some hot apple cider, popcorn, and tell some ghost stories. How does that sound?"
The girls cheered, a little less enthusiastically perhaps than if they could have their precious s'mores, but they hustled to do their part in getting the campfire, and the treats, ready.
Maui tensed beside him, and Lono placed an arm over his shoulders, offering support.
"Do not intervene unless it proves to be necessary," he advised as he decided to follow his own advice to the younger god and not act rashly.
The obvious thing to do would be to turn the guardians back into their human forms. They were facing impossible, nearly insurmountable odds, given the fact that they were stuck inside of a bag, literally adhered together. But they were working together, Lono could see the evidence of it, even if he could not hear their conversation over the roaring of the fire and the chatter of the girls. The bag of melted marshmallows was inching toward the edge of the picnic table. Slowly, but surely.
Maui clutched the edge of the looking glass, and leaned closer. "What if -"
"Watch to see if they can pass this 'test' that you gave them," Lono said, pulling Maui back from the glass so that he would not topple over into the world of the mortals. Lono would be unable to keep a breach of that magnitude from the council, and the ensuing punishment for the younger god would be harsh and long. The elder gods did not factor intent into the meting out of justice.
Maui reached for Lono's hand, and he let him crush it as they watched the killer who had been preying on Hawaii's youth for the past several months, approach the group from the shadows. The bag of marshmallows was teetering on the edge of the picnic table, and Lono could feel Maui's heart pounding beside him.
"I should -"
"Wait, child," Lono scolded, holding the younger god close so that he could not intervene. If it came down to it, Lono would fix what Maui had foolishly done, but Lono had a feeling that there was no need for an intervention, just yet, that, whatever had taken place between the first and second of command within the team of guardians had made the group stronger. Maui may have acted rashly, and out of hurt and anger, like a child having a temper tantrum, but something good had come of it. Lono could sense it. There was magic in the air that had not come from the gods, but had been generated by the team of guardians themselves.
"I can't watch," Maui said, and he moved the hand not clutching Lono's to clamp over his eyes, but Lono moved behind the boy and held both hands down by his side.
"You can, and you will," Lono commanded. "You did this, you will see it through to the end. These are the guardians that you chose, and you will not abandon them in this."
Maui shivered, but nodded and squared his shoulders. The younger god took a deep breath, and Lono eased his hold on him, though he did not move away, and he let Maui lean back against him.
"Watch them, they will not fail," Lono said with confidence, impressed in spite of the circumstances and the situation that could lead to his own discipline should things not work out they way that they needed to. He hadn't thought much of the team that the younger god had picked out when Maui had shown them to him, and had doubted that they would be able to work together as they needed to, but the boy had been right, there was something about them that just worked.
"How can you be so sure?" Maui asked.
"How can you doubt your decision so easily?" Lono asked. "This is the first task you set for them, is it not?"
Maui nodded.
"And you have also given them a trial to overcome, have you not?" Lono rubbed a thumb over Maui's wrist, and the boy's shoulders relaxed a little.
"I didn't mean to, though," Maui argued.
Lono slapped the back of Maui's head. "Whether you meant to or not, you have chosen to make their first assignment a trial as well. A god's decision, whether made out of anger or of a sound mind, is a decision, nonetheless, and as a god, we must stick to our decisions, and not claim that they are something other than what they are. And we must see them through to the end."
"Yes, Uncle." Maui rubbed the back of his head and scowled up at his mentor, and partner.
"You are testing your chosen, and that is a right of the gods; now you must see if they can pass this difficult test which you have set for them," Lono said, lips tickling Maui's ear, making the younger god shiver.
"And if they don't pass?" he asked.
"Then you search for other, better guardians," Lono said. "Guardians worthy of you."
Maui narrowed his eyes and leaned closer to the looking glass, Lono let him move, but kept close enough to pull him back if it was necessary. Maui was impetuous, and had a lot to learn, but he wouldn't learn it if Lono didn't give him some leeway, and let him make his own choices - even poor, or misguided ones.
"They will not fail," Maui said, voice filled with conviction.
Smiling, Lono pressed up against Maui's back and looked over his shoulder. The bag of marshmallows was still teetering on the edge of the picnic table, and the girls' laughter-filled voices were competing with the crackling of the fire. Not a single one of them could sense the danger that lurked nearby, the cracking of a twig went unnoticed, and Lono felt his young companion stiffen in anticipation, his hands clenching and unclenching in fists as he warred with his own instincts to intervene.
"Let them prove themselves worthy of your notice," Lono whispered. "Let them show you that you made the right decision."
The killer stepped out of the shadows and stood for just a second, maybe two, beside the picnic table, but that was all the time that was necessary for him to be stopped by a bag of marshmallows commandeered by Steven McGarrett, Danny Williams, Kono Kalaukaua and Chin Ho Kelly.
When Lono and Maui would recall the series of events that took place next, later, before the council, the other gods would laugh at the absurdity and call it a comedy of errors, in spite of the serious nature of the events that had led up to it, and the dire consequences that could have happened had the mortal guardians failed. Maui would be sentenced, and serve out a short punishment for acting rashly, and Lono would wait for him, watching over the young god's guardians until his return, and then welcome him back to the home they shared above the heavens.
Years later, when asked about the unique series of events that had led to Maui's guardians gaining the illustrious notice of the elders, Maui would retell the story with great humor and a cautionary tone for the younger, less experienced gods, with Lono standing by his side, smiling down on him.
But, that is a tale for another time, and not for mortal ears to hear, or eyes to read.
Maui and Lono both leaned over the looking glass, watching the guardians carefully as the bag of marshmallows launched itself at the killer.
"We do this on my count," Steve said.
"Steve, maybe we should let Chin or Kono do the countdown on this one," Danny said. "They're the ones with the view of the outside world, limited as it is. Let's face it, we don't have the vantage, they do."
Steve sighed, but conceded. "Fine, Kono, Chin, you do the countdown. Does everybody understand what they are supposed to do when we see this asshole coming?"
"Yes!" all three of them shouted in unison.
"Good."
"Steve, he's heading for the girls," Kono said.
"On my count," Chin said, starting the countdown.
Each of them put their full weight, such as it was, into their assigned action, and, if they hadn't been there when it happened, none of them would believe any of it.
Danny rocked forward, into Steve, who rocked backward, Kono surged backward, against the plastic that was at her back, and Chin pushed himself upward, and the bag of marshmallows flew up into the air, smacking the killer in the face.
Startled, he swiped the bag away, and it landed on a branch that launched the bag into the air a second time only to land hard on the ground in front of the killer's feet, tripping him, and sending him, sprawling, face first into the campfire.
The girls, alerted to the danger that they were in by the killer's cursing, before he had fallen into the fire, took off running in several different directions. Backing away from the danger, once she was certain that all of the girls had gotten away, the troop leader reached for her cell phone, hoping that she wouldn't have to leave the area to make the 911 call. A quick look around verified that the girls were running toward their designated safe zone, and though she was shaky, and terrified, she made the emergency call, grateful that she got reception on her cell, and walked to meet her girls at the safe zone, talking to 911 dispatch as she went.
The killer flailed in the fire, cursing and shouting at the gods and everything else he could find to blame for what had happened. Unfortunately for him, the twisted bag of marshmallows that had felled him was tangled up in his feet, making it impossible for him to get up and out of the fire. By the time that the police arrived, and the girls were being cared for by the paramedics who wanted to make sure that none of them were suffering from shock, the man had died.
One of the officers lifted the bag of marshmallows after the body had been bagged and tagged, and the campfire doused. He handled it with gloves, in case it was evidence. He nodded to his partner. "Hey, you think this is what did him in?"
The other officer laughed. "Come on, Kenji, you aren't going to stand there and tell me that you honestly think a bag of marshmallows managed to take down the serial killer that's been haunting our island for the past couple of months? No way, man, that's ridiculous."
Steve was too tired and sore to comment, or set the young HPD officer to rights, not that the young man would have heard him if he'd tried. He hadn't heard anything from Kono and Chin since the whole fiasco had started, and that worried Steve some, but he hadn't said anything either, and neither had Danny, and, shit, he should check on his team. If only that young officer - Kenji, was it? - would stop moving them around so much. It was making him dizzy.
"It looks like maybe he tripped over it or something, is all I'm saying," Kenji said, jiggling the bag of melted marshmallows in the air, unaware that he was making the entire Five-0 team extremely sick and dizzy with his actions.
"Sure, a bag of ninja marshmallows took down a criminal when all of HPD and Five-0 couldn't," his fellow officer joked.
Kenji shrugged. "Sounds like something MacGuyver would rig."
Steve groaned. "Did you guys hear that?"
"MacGuyver? Seriously? We did all of that work, and for what, so that junior up there could credit it to some fictional TV character? We did more than MacGuyver the shit out of this bag of marshmallows," Danny said. Though his voice was a little gruff, and shaky, it wasn't lacking in venom.
"I kind of like the comparison," Chin said.
Kono snorted. "You would."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Chin asked.
"God I hope that they don't lock us up in evidence," Danny interrupted whatever it was that Kono had been about to say in response to her cousin.
"I think we should tag this for evidence," Kenji said.
"You just had to say it, Danny, didn't you?" Kono said, and it sounded like she was hitting the side of the packaging.
"Fuck, this bag is moving," Kenji said, and he held the bag out at arm's length as though terrified of it. His partner laughed.
"Just toss it in one of the garbage sacks. It's ruined, all of the marshmallows are melted together, and even if it did manage to trip the serial killer, it's not going to give us proof of anything. It's not like the bag of marshmallows flew at the bad guy or anything," his partner said, not bothering to hide the laughter in his voice.
"I'll have you know that we did fly at the criminal," Danny said. "Tackled him, actually. We are kick ass heroes. Even as marshmallows."
"I hope that we don't have to stay like this, though, I mean, the job is done, when do we get turned back into ourselves?" Kono asked, worry evident in her voice.
Steve heaved a put upon sigh, and, if he'd had hands and arms, he would have raised them toward the heavens. If he'd had knees, he would have fallen to them, so that he could properly genuflect. "Maui, I apologize for calling you short. I put my foot in my mouth, and I'm sorry. I was just in awe of meeting an actual god, and, well -"
"Steve, stop before you put your foot in your mouth again," Danny said, somehow pushing up against Steve. "Trust an expert at it, keep your apologies simple, and to the point, or you run the risk of re-offending and -"
A blinding white light filled the copse of woods that the two officers who were arguing over the bag of marshmallows were in, and in the blink of an eye, the two found themselves facing a peeved looking Five-0, who were reveling in the concept of personal space and trying hard not to look like they hadn't just been magically transformed from marshmallows to human beings. The officers blinked at them, and rubbed their eyes.
"Where did you guys come from?" Kenji asked, backing away from them. The bag of marshmallows was still dangling from his fingers.
Instead of answering him, Danny snatched the bag out of the young officer's hands, and pointed a finger toward the other officer. "See this?" Danny waggled the bag in front of the doubting officer's face, and the younger man nodded dumbly. "This, here, is what we police officers and detectives like to call evidence," he said slowly, enunciating every word. "And as such, it needs to be handled properly. Officer..." Danny squinted at Kenji's nameplate, "Matsumoto, take care of this, would you? And as for you, Officer..." he leaned close to the other officer and gave him a look that made him sweat, "Smith, I'd like you to reread the police manual and submit a paper, not to exceed fifteen pages, but not to be under ten pages, about the proper procedures for securing evidence at the scene of a crime. Double-spaced, Times New Roman, twelve point font. It is to be on my desk, no later than noon, this coming Monday. Do I need to repeat anything?"
Officer Smith's eyes grew wide, and he paled under the onslaught of Danny's words. "No, sir," he said, and he followed his partner, as Kenji placed the bag of melted marshmallows into a larger evidence bag.
"Well, that was smooth," Steve said, dragging a hand through his hair, and yawning.
"Somebody had to say it," Danny said.
"And you were cramped up in close quarters for too long," Steve said, reaching out to his partner and rubbing his back. Feeling some of the tension seep from Danny's shoulders, he smiled. "How about if we head home? Get some sleep? Kono and Chin can meet us at our place tonight for barbecue and beers?"
Kono and Chin nodded warily and hid yawns behind their fists as they made their way to the parking lot as a group, walking side by side.
"Shit, how the fuck are we going to get home?" Danny asked, tossing a glare toward the heavens. "None of us drove here."
"Guess we'll just have to ride with HPD," Kono said, smirking at the murderous look that Danny gave her.
"Duke!" Steve spotted the older officer just as he was leaving the woods and waved him over.
"When did Five-0 arrive?" Duke asked, frowning at each of them in turn. "And how?"
Danny waved his hand in the air and pursed his lips. "We decided to hitch a ride with Officers Matsumoto and Smith," Danny improvised, smiling charmingly, "you know, in an effort to build better rapport between Five-0 and the HPD?"
Duke looked at each of them in turn and shook his head, but he didn't call Danny out on his lie, or question them about what had really happened. "Let me guess, you're ready to return to headquarters and would like a ride back?"
"Yes, sir," Steve answered, and stuck his tongue out at Danny when he mocked him behind Duke's back.
"Stop fighting, boys," Chin chided, slapping each of them on the back of the head.
Kono stuck her tongue out at her cousin, and they all burst out into laughter. Duke looked at them as though they'd all sprouted two heads. Steve hoped to god that they hadn't, and that Maui wouldn't do that to them in the future.
"It's been a long couple of days, Duke," Steve said, offering no further explanation for their abrupt presence and lack of vehicles, or their exhausted, disheveled appearance.
Duke just nodded and ushered them into his car without saying another word. He was used to Five-0's quirks, and knew better than to question them. Steve would more than likely tell him it was classified, or he'd get some kind of non-answer.
All four of them piled into the backseat together, though it was crowded and Duke had an empty passenger seat beside him. Danny and Steve were sandwiched between Kono and Chin. To Duke it looked uncomfortably cramped, but the four didn't complain, or make a move to give each other any personal space. It was odd, but Duke decided to keep his mouth shut, and drive.
The four team members fell asleep on the way to Honolulu, Steve, with his arms wrapped protectively around Danny, Kono and Chin with their arms wrapped around the two leaders as though they were sheltering them. It was a sight to behold, but Duke didn't question it, and would never bring it up, because it wasn't a story that he needed to hear. What happened between the members of the task force wasn't any of his business as long as Five-0 continued to do a competent job and keep the islands of Hawaii safe.
To anyone who dared to take a closer look at the four slumbering teammates, it was obvious that there was a connection between them, an invisible thread that linked them all together. Some might call that fate, or even magic, but Duke called it 'ohana.
Sappy ending. I know. Please let me know if you liked this, and if you'd like to see more of the team as the guardians of Hawaii (I've got this scenario in which they've been turned into dogs that's been hanging around in my head for awhile); no reason for my imagination to run wild if I can't bring others along for the ride on this crazy train.