Past and Present

Pre-fic author note: Hey everyone! I was on Spring Break and had some free time so I thought I would attempt a Saiyuki one-shot! I know I have written the next chapter for TIA instead, but I couldn't help it, it was a plot bunny that just wouldn't go away! Well, I hope you like it! Be sure and review!

Disclaimer: I don't own Saiyuki or anything relating to it! The song included in this fic is Staind's It's Been Awhile! Nothing is mine!

R-2-F

Gojyo grimaced as he stepped out of the bar, his clothes immediately soaked from the sudden downpour. He raised a hand in an half hearted attempt to shield himself from the rain as he began his trek home. It had begun to rain about an hour ago, and Gojyo had found his thoughts drifting to his absent friend instead of the game. The rain always made him worry about Hakkai, and today was no different. However, the rain was not the only thing that had Gojyo worried about his friend.

Hakkai had been acting strange for the past several days, staying in their shared room for the better part of the day and only eating when he knew Gojyo was watching. Hakkai rarely slept at night, though he feigned sleep when Gojyo returned from a night of gambling. If the brunette's lack of appetite didn't worry Gojyo, Hakkai's new found love of cigarettes did.

About a week ago Gojyo had discovered his brand new pack missing, only to find the brunette sitting in their bedroom floor, one of the missing cigarettes dangling from between his lips. One of Gojyo's ashtrays laid innocently by his feet, filled with three or four spent cigarettes. Hakkai had offered no explanation, instead innocently offering Gojyo one of his smokes.

Gojyo shook his head as he reached for the doorknob of their house, ducking under the slight overhang in an attempt to escape the rain long enough to fish out his house key. He was about to insert the key into the lock when he noticed the door was ajar. He frowned, instantly aware that something was wrong. Hakkai was far too much of a perfectionist to leave the door open if he'd left while Gojyo was out, and Hakkai always locked the door after Gojyo disappeared for his nightly visit to the town's bar. Gojyo hesitantly pushed the door open and stepped inside, his red eyes carefully raking the darkness of the house.

The first thing Gojyo became aware of was the sound of someone playing the piano. The house was dimly lit, with only a few candles serving as a source of light to penetrate the reigning darkness. The light from the candles was just enough to outline the figure that sat in front of the old piano, who it seemed was completely oblivious to the other man's presence.

The candlelight cast a glow on it's surroundings, causing Hakkai's skin to appear golden in the darkness of the room. The monocle that usually adorned Hakkai's right eye was absent, making Hakkai appear strangely naked. He was dressed in a simple pair of tan pants with a dark green turtleneck that seemed to stick to him like a second skin, his ever present limiters glistened innocently in the candlelight. Gojyo was so intent on studying the man before him that it took him a moment to realize that Hakkai was singing softly.

"It's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I first saw you
And it's been awhile
Since I could stand on my own two feet again
And it's been awhile
Since I could call you"

Gojyo stood transfixed in the doorway, unable to tear his eyes away from the man before him. Hakkai's eyes had drifted shut as he sang and his head was slightly tilted back, his brow furrowed as he sang with such deep conviction. Gojyo felt as if he was intruding on a private moment as he watched his best friend. He knew he should somehow make the brunette aware of his audience, but found he was rooted to the spot as Hakkai's gentle voice filled the room.

"And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've stretched myself beyond my means"

Gojyo swallowed thickly and silently crossed the room, his eyes trained on Hakkai the entire time. As he neared he saw the brunette's shoulders tense and knew that Hakkai was aware of his presence, but the youkai's slim fingers continued to glide over the keys. Gojyo felt a wave of relief knowing that Hakkai didn't mind him listening in, not that it would have mattered. At this point, Gojyo couldn't have turned away if he had wanted to, and right now that was the last thing Gojyo wanted.

He carefully sat beside Hakkai on the narrow piano bench, facing away from the piano in order to study Hakkai's face. Gojyo noticed the hands that caressed the piano with the familiarity of a longtime lover began to tremble ever-so-slightly, but Hakkai's playing never faltered.

"And it's been awhile
Since I can say that I wasn't addicted
And it's been awhile
Since I can say I love myself as well
And it's been awhile
Since I've gone and fucked things up just like I always do
And it's been awhile
But all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you"

For the first time since Gojyo had entered the room Hakkai looked up, his eyes locking with Gojyo's.

"And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've gone and fucked things up again"

Gojyo's eyes remained on the brunette, even after Hakkai's had returned to the piano. Hakkai's voice was growing stronger as his confidence seemed to build. The deep tenor of his voice, added with the soft melody he was playing and the intensity of his eyes, was enough to make a pleasant shiver go down Gojyo's spine.

"Why must I feel this way?
Just make this go away
Just one more peaceful day!

And it's been awhile
Since I could look at myself straight
And it's been awhile
Since I said I'm sorry
And it's been awhile
Since I've seen the way the candles light your face
And it's been awhile
But I can still remember just the way you taste"

Gojyo frowned, wondering what that last line meant. Was this song about Kanan? Maybe he had been too forward to think that the song was for him? Gojyo knew he hadn't kissed Hakkai before. Sure, they'd messed around a bit, but never kissed. But then why…why did he feel like he had kissed Hakkai? How did he know that Hakkai tasted of cigarettes and something spicy, something that was purely Hakkai? Why did he know that if he was to lean forward and nip the skin just below the brunette's ear, that Hakkai would turn to mush in his arms?

Gojyo shook his head, the thoughts running through his head only serving to add to his confusion. He'd only had a few beers tonight; not near enough to cause him to get drunk, or even buzzed for that matter. Then why the hell was he thinking such outrageous thoughts..?

"And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem to be I know it's me
I cannot blame this on my father
He did the best he could for me"

Gojyo's gaze returned to the brunette, only to find emerald staring straight back at him. Unconsciously he found himself leaning closer to Hakkai, who in turn began to close in the distance between them.

"And it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high"

They were now close enough that their breaths mingled, Hakkai's lips coming dangerously close to brushing against Gojyo's as he whispered the words of the song.

"And it's been awhile
Since I said I'm sorry"

Hakkai's eyes closed as he gently pressed his lips against Gojyo's, asking for nothing yet giving everything. Gojyo did not hesitate before responding, gently moving his own lips over Hakkai's. The kiss was innocent, questioning, yet it was like nothing either of them had experienced before. But at the same time it felt so familiar, so right. Several seconds passed before they parted, eyes meeting uncertainly in the darkness of the room. The sound of the rain pelting the windows was the only sound in the house, save for their ragged breathing.

"…Kai?"

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have-" Hakkai began, one hand coming up to cover his eyes as he ducked his head in shame. "Gomen nasai, Gojyo."

"Oh no you don't." Gojyo growled a bit more harshly than he had originally intended. With a finger under Hakkai's chin, Gojyo gently forced emerald eyes to meet his own. "I'm not letting you off that easily."

"I-" Hakkai stammered, struggling to find an excuse for his actions. "I'm so sorry, Gojyo. I shouldn't have…forced myself on you like that."

Gojyo looked amused as that. "Forced? You?" He watched as Hakkai nodded miserably, unable to meet Gojyo's eyes for more than a second. Gojyo sighed. "Look at me, Kai." He commanded gently, waiting until the brunette did so before continuing. He gave Hakkai a reassuring smile in an attempt to calm his skittish friend. "I kissed you back, in case you hadn't noticed."

"But that was only because I-"

"Hakkai!" Gojyo snapped, his irritation at his friend's self condemning attitude rising. Why was it that whenever something happened, Hakkai always had to play the hero and take the blame? "I kissed you back because I wanted to, alright?"

Hakkai's eyes widened considerably but he nodded, his eyes lowering to his hands that lay folded in his lap. Gojyo watched as the brunette began to wring his hands absentmindedly, his eyes glued to his hands yet not really seeing them. Gojyo laid one of his own hands over Hakkai's in order to still his friend's fidgeting. For the first time Gojyo noticed how different their hands really were. Hakkai's were smaller than Gojyo's, his fingers longer and more slim. Gojyo's hand was larger and more tanned, providing a stark contrast to the teacher's pale skin. Gojyo was so intent on his hand covering Hakkai's that he nearly missed it when Hakkai finally spoke.

"Do you ever have dreams of our time in Heaven, Gojyo?" Hakkai asked hesitantly, his voice barely above a whisper. Had Gojyo not been so close he wasn't sure he would have even heard the words at all. He turned his gaze to Hakkai to find the brunette's gaze fixed on their hands, just as his had been only seconds before.

"You mean like memories?"

"I'm not sure if they're memories or simply dreams, truthfully." Hakkai breathed, a sad smile pulling at his lips. "It all seems so impossible. Us? Gods?" He chuckled, though the sound was strained, even for Hakkai.

"Yeah, pretty crazy, huh?" Gojyo agreed. "I guess I've had a dream or two." He admitted, though silently he added 'or a dozen' to the end of his confession. He felt more than saw Hakkai slightly relax, though the man remained guarded. "About Tenpou and KenRen, right?"

Hakkai blushed but nodded.

Gojyo smirked. "I'm guessing we had the same dream, judging by your reaction." He observed, though inwardly he was thrilled to know that it wasn't just wishful thinking on his part. Gojyo had thought of Hakkai in more than friendly terms for quite some time, but feared the brunette's reaction if he ever found out. Yes, Sha Gojyo, renown womanizer and acclaimed skirt chaser, was afraid of his best friend finding out he had the hots for him. Fate was a funny bitch, wasn't it?

"H-hai. It would appear that way." Hakkai agreed, though his eyes refused to meet Gojyo's.

Gojyo turned so he was fully facing Hakkai before ducking to meet the youkai's eyes. "Hakkai, what are you thinking?" Gojyo asked softly, his uncertainty showing for the first time that night. Hakkai seemed to pick up on the pleading tone of his voice and awarded Gojyo with one of his rare, real smiles.

"I was just thinking how lucky our past selves were to have found each other." Hakkai replied, his smile fading ever so slightly. Gojyo did not miss the longing that his friend's eyes held.

"And what about us now?" Gojyo pressed softly.

Hakkai finally met Gojyo's eyes, surprising Gojyo with the intensity his eyes held. "We'd be fools to let a chance for happiness pass us by."

Gojyo grinned, leaning his head against Hakkai's forehead whilst keeping eye contact. "I couldn't have said it better myself." He winked at Hakkai. "Though I'm sure it wouldn't have sounded as pretty, had I been the one saying it."

Hakkai laughed softly, the sound effectively breaking the tension in the room. "No, I'm sure it would have been quite…colorful." He agreed, choosing his wording carefully.

"Damn straight." Gojyo agreed before leaning back enough to properly meet Hakkai's eyes. "Hakkai, I don't give a damn what my past self did. I love you because I love you, not because of what some ancient God or whatever the hell he was felt." He gave Hakkai his best 'no shitting around' look. "I don't want you thinking I'm doing anything because I feel obligated or any shit like that."

Hakkai's eyes widened as everything Gojyo just said sank in. "Y-you love me?" He choked, his eyes displaying his shock.

Gojyo cocked an eyebrow. "Do you really think I would have kissed you back if I didn't?" He leaned closer to Hakkai, his lips ghosting over the brunette's. "I may have the rep of a player, but I don't get off on messing with people's emotions. Especially not my best friend, who I risk losing by loving him."

"I'm not going...anywhere." Hakkai breathed, unconsciously sliding a hand up Gojyo's arm to rest on his biceps. "G-Gojyo." He began, firmly pushing Gojyo back enough to be able to properly look at him. He saw the rejection flash in crimson eyes and immediately resumed their contact by moving between Gojyo's legs, which currently straddled the piano bench. He leaned close enough that his mouth brushed against Gojyo's ear, sending shivers down Gojyo's spine. "Ai shiteru."

Anything else Hakkai had planned to say was muffled by Gojyo's mouth as the kappa began to kiss him senseless. Hakkai melted into the touch, his arms encircling Gojyo's neck and his fingers tangling themselves in crimson strands. Gojyo's arms in turn snaked around Hakkai's waist, bringing the brunette flush against him. Both men gasped into the kiss at the intimate contact.

"You sure about this, Kai?" Gojyo reaffirmed, pulling back only enough to meet Hakkai's eyes. The brunette nodded the affirmative before renewing their kiss, his hands beginning to roam Gojyo's sides. Gojyo's hands were not idle either, as one of his calloused hands was already working it's way underneath Hakkai's turtleneck.

The two spent the rest of the night acquainting themselves with each other's bodies. Questioning hands and lips roamed over slick skin as the rain continued to poor outside. They were so caught up in each other that they didn't notice when light's first rays crept through the windows, or when the rain finally stopped. When the sun finally rose, it was to find the two men curled up on their shared bed, arms and legs intertwined.

"Are you sure this is okay, Gojyo?" Hakkai asked sleepily. He was curled up to Gojyo's side, his arm thrown across the hanyou's hips and his head pillowed on Gojyo's shoulder. One of Gojyo's arms was around his shoulders to keep the brunette close, while Gojyo's other hand blocked the sun from his eyes.

Gojyo dropped his hand to glance down at the man beside him, smiling reflexively at the sight that greeted him. Hakkai's hair was tousled and the brunette looked like he was about to pass out, but there was no denying how beautiful Hakkai looked in the early morning light. "A bit late to be backing out, Kai." He remarked, raising an eyebrow. He watched as a blush stole it's way across his friend's- no lover's- cheeks.

"I'm not trying to back out. I was just-"

"Worrying." Gojyo finished, pulling Hakkai closer, if possible. "Look, Kai. If this isn't alright, then we'll make it alright. Got it?" He glanced down to see Hakkai nod in reply. "Good. Now get some sleep." He commanded, slinging his free arm over his eyes and preparing to follow his own advice.

"Hai." Hakkai replied, tightening his hold on Gojyo ever so slightly. He sighed softly before allowing his eyes to drift shut to claim some much needed sleep. "Ai shiteru, Gojyo." He murmured sleepily.

Gojyo smirked. "Love you too, baby."

Owari

R-2-F

Author's Note: So how was it? Please review and leave your feedback!