Hello dear reader! Please note well that I own absolutely nothing, especially the quotes. I used full-out Portal and Portal 2 quotes and do not own them at all. Someone else came up with them, not me. Whoever that is, is a total genius by the way. All rights go to whoever owns the rights. Which isn't me. Just clarifying. You'll see that I used them for a reason in the story-line, and quite frankly I think they're hilarious! Anyway, I hope you enjoy. :)

Chapter 1: It Begins

Kirk woke up in horrendous pain, his head throbbing like a woodpecker was trying to build a nest in there. He remembered the ship bucking as it hit an anomaly in the solar wind currents and his body flying through the air, but after that? Nothing. He must have hit his head flying into something, and he was just waking up.

He struggled to sit up, blinking as his eyes tried to re-adjust and holding his head in his hands. He noticed Nurse Chapel standing nearby, looking at readings on a tricorder, and he tried to call over to her. For some reason, the proper sounds wouldn't come out of his throat. What was going on? Punching the assist button on the bio-bed itself, he smiled as the nurse turned his way. Yet for same reason, her face looked different than how he remembered it. Had his memory gotten messed up as well?

She walked over, skirt shuffling, and smiled at him. "Here are the test results," she suddenly said in an eery, monotone voice. "You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: 'a horrible person'. We weren't even testing for that."

Kirk's mouth made a big, shocked "O".

Suddenly Scotty walked into his line of sight and firmly, if a little tentatively, pushed Nurse Chapel out of the way. The engineer talked rapidly and almost in-cohesively, and his words were punctuated by his thick accent, but Kirk somehow understood what he said.

"Most test subjects do experience some, uh, cognitive deterioration after a few months in suspension. Now, you've been under for quite a lot longer, and it's not out of the question that you might have a very minor case of serious brain damage. But don't be alarmed, all right? Uh, although if you do feel alarmed, try to hold onto that feeling because that is the proper reaction to being told that you've got brain damage."

Nurse Chapel pushed her way back in again and commented with a smirk, "Most people emerge from suspension terribly undernourished. I want to congratulate you on beating the odds and somehow managing to pack on a few pounds."

What. Was. Going. On.

He struggled to get out of the bio-bed, thankful for Scotty's help despite the man's sudden dip into insanity. As Scotty guided Kirk out of Sickbay and onto the Bridge, he muttered under his breath, "Okay, but the point is, we're going to break out of here, all right? Very soon, I promise, I promise. I just have to figure out how to break us out of here. Here she comes! Keep testing; just keep testing. Remember, you never saw me, never saw me."

Fearful for his life in the sudden, crazy circumstances, Kirk looked up to see Lieutenant Uhura standing at her post. "Due to mandatory scheduled maintenance, the next test is currently unavailable," she said matter-of-factly. "It has been replaced with a live-fire course designed for military androids. The Enrichment Center apologizes and wishes you the best of luck."

Kirk's eyes nearly popped out of his skull as he recognized the Klingon ships off to starboard, and he fell into his seat, trying to yell out commands but unable to. Desperate and clueless as to why he was suddenly mute, he launched himself to Chekov's station and started firing and navigating at the same time. Tense minutes later, the Klingon ships turned tail and Kirk flopped back in his chair, relieved and terrified at the same time.

"Well done, android," Uhura commented with a smug look on her face. "The Enrichment Center once again reminds you that Android Hell is a real place where you will be sent at the first sign of defiance."

What in the world does that mean?

He glanced nervously at Chekov, whose face had an impossibly huge smile on it. Kirk jumped as the kid opened his mouth. "Space. Space. Spppaaaaaacccceee!"

He wanted desperately to open his mouth to ask what was going on, but no sounds would push their way out from his vocal cords. Perfect.

What was happening to his crew, his ship? What bored, quasi-omnipotent being had decided to divert himself with them? If Trelane was back again he was going to...

His thoughts were abruptly interrupted as a figure he recognized well stepped through the turbolift doors and onto the bridge. Surely Bones would be able to clear up this sudden insanity, if anyone could.

"Alright, I've been thinking," the doctor's gruff voice resounded over the Bridge. "When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade! Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don't want your - lemons, what am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life's manager. Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons. Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's going to burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm going to get my engineers to build a combustible lemon that burns your house down!"*

Okay then. Scratch McCoy off the "sane" list.

"Burn his house down! Burning people! He says what we're all thinking!" Uhura almost yelled, eyes shining in apparent, whole-hearted agreement with the doctor.

Kirk took the two seconds of their distraction that he had to glance around, feverishly wondering how to escape the Bridge and get somewhere safe to plan his next step. These people were crazy. His eyes happened to lock with Sulu's. "I'm different," the man whispered, huddled around his console. Kirk's heart jumped for a second in the hope that Sulu wouldn't be as insane as the others. He was quickly disappointed as the Lieutenant's eyes glazed over and he added, "Prometheus was punished by the gods for giving the gift of knowledge to man. He was cast into the bowels of the earth and pecked by birds."

Yeah, he had to get out of here. Now.

He had no choice; he booked it for the turbolift doors, only to see Nurse Chapel standing eerily within them. He knew by know that whatever she said wasn't going to be pleasant. "All Aperture technologies remain safely operational up to 4000 degrees Kelvin. Rest assured that there is absolutely no chance of a dangerous equipment malfunction prior to your victory candescence. Thank you for participating in that Aperture Science Enrichment activity. Goodbye!"

She caught him off guard by grabbing him by the ear and throwing him into the turbolift. The doors shut far too quickly and his stomach lurched as the lift zoomed down, far faster than normal - and seemingly no longer supported by anything. He was in free-fall.

He grabbed for the emergency halt lever, but he was too late. His body rocketed up as the turbolift crashed.

And then everything went dark.

What's going to happen next? Please leave a review and I hope you like it so far! More updates to come. :)