Not Your Average Day At Hogwarts
Author: The Passionate Admiral
Rating: M
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. If I did, Malfoy would have gotten his comeuppance long ago. By the way, there's a minor Twilight reference here, but I don't own Twilight either. I've never even cared enough to read them, because – and I believe I speak for many people here – Harry Potter is better than Twilight.
Plot: Everything goes awry one ordinary day at Hogwarts. I should warn you; several characters are frequently out of character to some degree. If I offend anyone, I apologize profusely in advance. This fanfic is mostly rated the way it is for some "inappropriate" jokes. Oh, and please don't hate me if this thing sucks. One more thing: my political views are irrelevant as well.
One Saturday morning at Hogwarts, everyone was assembled for breakfast in the Great Hall.
Headmaster Albus Dumbledore walked down from the professor's table at the end of the hall. Halfway to the door of the room, he accidently hit his toe on a loose stone floorboard.
"AAAAAUUUGGGGHHHHHHH, my fucking toe!" Dumbledore shouted at the top of his voice, "I stubbed my fucking toe!"
Everyone watched as the elderly Headmaster jumped around the room on one foot; he swore many obscenities as he held onto his injured foot.
After about two minutes, everyone ignored him and when back to whatever they were doing.
There were a few first years at some tables that were still very nervous about several of the school's features.
"I hear they got some sort of poltergeist here by the name of Peeves," said one of them.
"A poltergeist?" said another one, "You mean like the ones on that Muggle movie?"
"No, of course not," remarked a third party, "Those poltergeists emerge from Muggle television sets. You need electricity to run those things, and there's no electricity on Hogwarts. It's written in Hogwarts, A History."
"You actually read that crap?" said the first person.
"Yes," said the third person, "What's wrong with that?"
"Nothing, it's just that sometimes people say a book can be so boring that you could fall asleep reading it," said the first person, "I tried reading Hogwarts, A History, but after just ten pages, I concluded that the authors must have fallen asleep writing it."
"That isn't a bad theory," commented the second person.
Just then, Nearly Headless Nick came out of the Table and said "Hello! Welcome to Hogwarts!"
"Ghost!" cried a female student, who hid behind her boyfriend.
"Where?" he sneered, looking around. When he spotted Nearly Headless Nick, he said "Stay back; I ain't afraid of no ghost!"
"Umm… there's no need to be afraid," said a confused Sir Nicholas.
The student ignored him and shouted "I ain't afraid of no bitch ghost!"
Sir Nicholas shook his head in annoyance and flew away.
At that same time, Malfoy and his friends Crabbe and Goyle had decided to attend to their daily routine of pestering Harry and his friends. Unfortunately, he was late for their usual time.
"Sorry we're late," he said when they got to the Gryffindor Table, "We had some business to take care of first."
"Malfoy, if you're doing to bother us, at least follow the schedule on time," said Harry.
"You want another scar, Potter?" threatened Malfoy.
"Go change the grease out of your hair, Malfoy," Ron shot back, "Your hairline is starting to ooze it out."
"Oh, go fight to the death with someone over a Knut, Weasel!" Malfoy rudely blurted out.
Ron really wanted to take Malfoy and shove his head through the floor at that point. But Harry and Neville restrained him.
"By the way, Weasley, what the hell was that piece of junk you were flying at Quidditch practice?" said Malfoy. He added "If you call what you were doing 'practice' or a 'lesson in what you must not do on the Quidditch field.'"
"Uh, I believe it was a Cleansweep Eleven, dumbass!" Harry sharply remarked, "Can't you tell one model from another?"
"It's a great broom!" Ron argued.
"I think you need a longer one," Malfoy stated. He, Crabbe, and Goyle all snickered.
Ron gave him a hostile glare, but then he smirked and said "That's not what your mother said."
Everyone within earshot of Ron burst out laughing, even Crabbe and Goyle. Malfoy was too shocked to speak or move.
He was petrified from that last insult. In fact, Crabbe and Goyle had to take him to the Hospital Wing so that his ego could heal.
"I believe we've won this round," said Harry.
Hermione noticed that Ron was looking over his shoulder at something – or someone – further down the table.
"Ron, what are you looking at?" she asked him.
"I think Lavender may be… interested in me," Ron commented, looking over his shoulder at the girl sitting further down the table.
Hermione may have seemed all brains, but she was very capable of feeling jealous. She wanted Ron to herself, but she had to eliminate her competition first. She told him "I don't think that is highly probable, Ron."
"Why do you say that, Hermione?"
Hermione quickly thought up a good reason, and told him "Ron, do you know how some girls are on Team Edward and some are on Team Jacob?"
"Yeah," he commented, "Why?"
"Well, I hear that Lavender's on Team Bella," Hermione answered him.
Initially, Ron was profoundly confused by Hermione's statement, but its meaning slowly dawned on him. He slowly uttered "Oh… my… God!"
Hermione smiled in satisfaction. A firm expression came on Ron's face. He slammed his visit down on the table and shouted "She's a vampire!"
Hermione rolled her eyes in annoyance. "No, Ron; that's not what I meant."
Ron chuckled and said "Relax, Hermione; I know what you meant."
He looked over at Lavender, saying "So, she's a lesbian?"
"Yes," Hermione lied.
"Niiiiiiice…" Ron nodded in interest.
"Idiot," Hermione muttered under her breath.
A few minutes later, Ginny came to join the group. She sat down in-between Harry and Hermione and continued eating her breakfast.
A minute later, she turned to Hermione and said "Hey, Hermione, you know what I overheard Pansy Parkinson saying the other day?"
"What?" inquired Hermione, who was still annoyed by Ron's behavior.
"I heard her tell one of her friends that she gags when she cleans her mouth with her wand, but not when she gives Malfoy a blowjob," Ginny told her, "She had no idea why that was the case."
Hermione thought about this (though the mere idea of it disturbed her very much). She stated aloud "That is a rather peculiar set of circumstances."
"Actually, I can think of a perfectly reasonable explanation for that, Hermione," Harry declared.
"You can?" she asked.
Harry nodded and told her "Yes; obviously, Pansy's wand is BIGGER."
No one immediately knew what Harry meant, but soon, everyone was guffawing almost out of control.
"Harry, that joke was brilliant!" said Ron, patting his best friend on the back.
"Yeah, it was pretty funny," said Ginny.
She hugged Harry, who hugged her back. But they came apart after a few seconds. Ginny's eyes were wide open, as if something had startled her. She slowly looked down and said after a few seconds "Harry, I hope that's just your wand."
Harry made no immediate statement. After a few seconds, he said "Would you like me to show you?"
A mischievous smile came across both of their faces. Ginny said "Sure. Why not?"
The two of them finished eating and left the Great Hall.
Ron watched them go, and then sighed and said nonchalantly "Mom is going to kill me when she finds out about this."
"You mean 'if' she finds out about this," said Neville.
"Oh, that's true," Ron smirked at his friend, "Besides, if she does find out, I could always flee the country."
"Where would you go?" said Neville.
"America, perhaps," suggested Hermione, "It's easy to blend in there. They've got so many different social groups that anyone could fit in. Plus, it's a great country."
"Oh, yeah, there's nothing quite like being mugged in the United States of America," Ron sarcastically declared.
"Oh, come on, Ron," said Hermione, "It's a beautiful place."
Ron suppressed a round of laughter.
"Hermione, are you out of your mind?" he spoke comically, "That country is a mess, what with 'President Osama' being incompetent and such disasters going on."
"That's not his name," Hermione rebuked him angrily; "He's a good man and a very capable ruler."
"That may be," Ron admitted, "But why would anyone even want to go to America to hide? Give me a good reason."
"Well, you wouldn't be here," Hermione thought aloud, "Of course, that would only be an advantage for the rest of us."
Neville snickered while Ron gave Hermione a death glare.
"Hermione, I remembered the first time you said something rather cynical to me," Ron recounted, "It irked me very much. Now, a few years later, do you know how those comments make me feel now?"
"How?" she asked.
Ron abruptly reached out to Hermione, pulled her closer, and kissed her full on the lips. She was taken quite by surprise at that instant, but closed her eyes and savored the kiss.
When they came apart, Ron told her warmly "When you say something cynical, I feel aroused."
"Really?" she asked him excitedly.
"Yes, absolutely," he told her, speaking as seriously as possible.
Hermione had considered giving up her cynicism, but now she had a reason to keep it.
"How about we go somewhere private, and I can… show you more of 'cynicism?'" Hermione subtly offered him.
Ron grinned and nodded, telling her "I'd like that."
The two of them finished their breakfast and left the Great Hall to spend some time alone.
Neville was left alone. After he finished his breakfast, he left the Great Hall. At the doors, he ran into Luna.
"Good morning, Luna," he smiled down at her.
"Hello, Neville," she told him in her usual cryptic voice. She was reading the Quibbler, as usual.
"Anything new and unusual in there?" asked Neville.
"No, except there is an interesting article here about how an intimate relationship with a person can improve your aptitude at assembling effective potions," Luna enlightened him.
"Really?" Neville raised an eyebrow in amazement.
Luna nodded. Then she looked up at Neville and asked him "Do you believe that to be true?"
"Well…" Neville began, "It may have some authenticity to it."
Their eyes met for a moment, and the two of them focused on each other very closely.
"There's only one surefire way to find out," Luna concluded.
Neville quickly knew what she was implying. The two of them grinned and went to spend some time by themselves.
Harry, Ginny, Ron, Hermione, Neville, and Luna all had something to gloat about the following day.
Before long, Neville's grades in Potions class went up dramatically. Hermione became a little less cynical. Ginny, despite being the youngest member of her family, felt a little more grown up. Luna was always smiling behind the large cover of The Quibbler she was reading, after recalling a very pleasant memory. Ron developed a greater appreciation of America. Harry finally won the "snappy comeback war" against Malfoy; he made a verbal eunuch out of him.
Fred and George Weasley just watched as these three couples spent time with each other, not knowing they had fallen victim to the twins' latest joke object.
"Make a note of this, George," Fred told his twin.
"I will, Fred," said George as he wrote down on his notepad: "The Blended Aphro - guaranteed to make someone go head over heels for someone they spend a lot of time around. Takes about thirty minutes after consumption to come to its full effect."