Remus was sure
It was without much motivation or intense that he began to write that letter. He had already given up on his strange hopes. School would end this summer. So if he wrote that letter he would give it to Sirius on their last day in school and he would never have to look him in the eyes ever again. Sirius would not want to see him after he read the letter, Remus was sure. So it did not matter because he wanted to write this down. He needed to write this down. Perhaps if he brought his words onto paper they would leave his head for good and not distract him like they did for nearly three years now. So he sat in the dark astronomy tower with only a small candle and the pale moonlight to light his parchment. He sighed deeply and began.
Dear Sirius,
our last year has begun and we will go so many different ways.
You will work for the ministry, A job to be proud of and it fits you.
Hunting deatheaters and Voldemorts other followers will make you
kind of a James Bond to the ladies.
I will work in a small bookstore near London. It is run by humans
and they do not know what I am... I will miss our days in Hogwarts
and all the fun we had with our pranks and the map and in Hogsmeade.
I will miss James, Peter and most of all you.
I do not know where to begin so I guess hitting straight to the point is
the best I can do. I love you, Just plain and simple. This is what this
letter is all about. I am not brave enough to tell it to your face or while
we get drunk together or else. I did not know for sure in our third year. When
I looked at you I admired the flawless skin you have. I just thought it was
because I am scarred all over. But we got closer when James began dating
Lilly and we did so many things together and all the laughter still rings
in my ears. Especially your laughter. It makes my hair stand on end because
I shiver all over when I hear you laugh. I thought I loved you because you are
my friend and close as a brother. I would never know how one loves a brother
I never had one. So we were close and you like my brother. That was okay for me
because it did explain this feeling and I did not feel ashamed because of it.
Then you were the only one who cared for me during the nights of the
full moon. James went out with Lilly so often and Peter began dating
that Slytherin girl so that it was only you and me... I tried to hide it
but I really enjoyed having you with me and all for myself. The dog
calms the wolf so much and I guess this stupid animal, the wolf, knew for
sure before I knew. He wants you to be his mate and he does not stay
calm. So I decided to write this letter to you. I do not want to look into
your beautiful eyes and see your reaction. I am too scared of it.
Please don't be mad at me. I know this letter is strange and I do
not know the right words or anything... I was never good with
romantic things. Guess that is why you dated all those girls while
I sat in my bed, reading a book and tlling myself that I was not jealous.
And I was so damn jealous I could have eaten those girls alive. See, the
werewolf makes me angrier than I normally am and makes me feel things
that I normally would not feel. The closer full moon was the closer was I
to follow you and stop you from whatever you were doing with those silly
girls. I do not know what I would have done if I had found you. Sometimes
I walked through the empty hallways and hoped to find you snogging one
girl or another... I was so angry I barely recognized myself.
Please, please, please do not hate me now. I needed to tell you for
it ate me up inside. I couldn't breathe with all those words in my head.
I am so sorry for destroying our friendship with all this but I cannot hold
it inside any longer.
I will stop now before this gets even more embarrassing.
Forgive me!
Love, Remus.
Remus stared at the letter for what felt like an hour. He was not sure if he would give it to Sirius because he already felt better now that it was written down. And he had babbled so much... Perhaps it would be better if he buried this letter in the drawer of his nightstand and forget it. In a few weeks they would all be out of here and it would get better if Sirius was not so close!
The young man rolled up the parchment and hid it under his shirt then he left the tower. The hallways were dark and empty so that he did not fear being seen or meeting anyone. Remus stepped around another corner when he heard it. A small sound not that far away. Like a moan. he grit his teeth. Just his luck to find Sirius snogging behind a statue just now. Remus wasn't able to do anything. The wolf took over and he went closer to the sound. He was blind in his rage and when he found the small figure ducking in a small alcove he grabbed him by the back of his cloak and pulled him around. Remus had known long before he had seen him that it was Sirius but he had not expected that he would find him alone. The taller boy looked at Remus who had stopped moving abruptly. Terror was written all over his beautiful and pale face, his black hair clung to his wet cheeks. Had Sirius been crying? So he had sobbed and not moaned.
Remus found his voice first.
"Has she dumped the great Sirius Black?" he asked with too much sarcasm in his voice. Sirius winced and shook his head.
"I wasn't out here to meet a girl, I just wanted to be alone. Leave, Moony, leave me. Just pretend you have not seen me and go ahead, go to sleep." This begging was even stranger than his choice of words. Remus watched him closer, he still had his fist burried in the collar of Sirius' cloak. And Sirius tried to avoid his eyes! Padfoot had never done such a thing. Normally he was bold enough to look everyone in the eyes, even the strictest teacher and the most intriguing creature. And he had never, never tried to avoid Remus' eyes. Not even once. And that Remus tried to make Sirius face him made it even worse. The pale boy began to squirm but Remus held him firm.
"What is it, Sirius?" The other man seemed desperate now and straightened himself to full heigth.
"Go, Moony, please. I just want to be alone."
When Remus heard the whining sound of Sirius voice he loosened his grip and gently stroked Sirius' arms. "You can be alone with me and tell Moony what is wrong, okay?" He switched back to his normal self and best friend mode. He hated when his friends were sad but Sirius had even been crying. The werewolf tried to think of the last time he had seen Sirius crying but he never had. Sirius always seemed so cool and brave that Remus could not think of anything that could make his beautiful friend break down in tears. Sirius shook his head vigourously. The thought of being alone with Remus made his eyes widen.
"No, please. I want to be alone, Remus. I like to hang out with you but at the moment I... just give me ten minutes and I'll be back to the dormitory and will crawl into the bed next to you. Everything is fine."
"Yeah... people who are fine hide in dark places in the middle of the night all by themselves to cry. Right. I leave you alone. Apparently this is your problem and you do not want to trust me with it." Remus snapped. He was really angry by now. Sirius always trusted him. He had told Remus everything down to his first kiss, his feelings towards his family and all. What could be so bad that he would not share it with his best friend. Sirius could see the change in Remus.
"So sorry, Moony..." he whispered and lowered his eyes. Remus nodded and turned on his heels when Sirius tried to grab him by his shirt.
"Let go, Black!", Remus hissed and instantly Sirius let go of his shirt. They had hurt each other badly and they both knew. So Remus went to the dormitory and crawled into his own bed to think about what he had seen. Sirius has never cried until now. Well... e had not seen him crying. Perhaps he tried to seem strong when he was not. It would be so like Sirius. Remus could not sleep because all he could do was think about his best friend and the distress he had seen in his eyes. The letter was forgotten because he was still Sirius' friend and... Remus sat up straight in his bed his head gone empty and just one thought ringing in his mind. The letter. He had pulled his Shirt over his head and the parchment should have fallen to the floor but when Remus looked for it, it was not there. "Shit. Shit. Shit..." he mumbled under his breath and grabbed his shirt. The letter was gone. Maybe he had lost it on his way from the tower to the dorm. Or worse... he remembered when Sirius had grabbed the back of his shirt and tried to pull his back. "No, no, no..." Remus nearly went insane. This thing was not meant for Sirius to read. Not now, not ever. He just had written these things down to get them out of his head. "Stupid idea, Remus, great!" he growled at himself. He got up and pulled his clothes back on then he left the Gryffindor tower in record speed heading straight for the alcove where he had met Sirius before. When he rounded the corner and looked into the dark alcove he felt himself grabbed by the collar and pulled into the darkness. He let out a surprised yelp even if he could smell that it was Sirius. When his eyes had adjusted to the darkness he looked into deep stormy eyes.
One hand still grabbed his shirt, the other was pressed against the wall next to his head. Remus was cornered, trapped. And Sirius so agressive. He knew his schoolmate would get angry. He had found the letter that was sure. Remus closed his eyes and waited for the blow to his face or stomach. But Sirius simply tried to stare him down.
"Is it true?" Sirius deep and husky voice asked close to Remus' face. Too close. He was suddenly aware of the closeness and struggled to get free. But this time it was Sirius who held him firmly in place. "What you wrote? Is this true?" Remus gasped when he felt Sirius' breath tingle his face. Damn he must really be pissed.
"You had no write to read this damn letter!" Remus hissed at Sirius. The animagus laughed this deep and heartfelt laugh of his.
"No right? Remus, it was addressed to me. Who else has the right to read it." he went serious again. "So, tell me, Moony, is it true then. What is written in this letter. Do you mean it? Say it, Remus, I want to know!"
It was too late and Remus accpeted defeat. He closed his eyes and felt tears flowing through his closed lids.
"Yes..." he whimpered and felt his knees go weak. He sink to the floor if Sirius would not hold him like that. "Please... let me go."
"Shhh... why are you crying?" Sirius gentle voice brought him back to attention ans he opened his eyes only to see Sirius even closer than before. He wiped the tears from Remus' face and then his lips brushed over the werewolf's ever so slightly. "It's okay, Moony. I'm so happy you lost this letter for me to find." Sirius spoke with his lips still so close to those of Remus that the brown haired boy nearly got insane. He wanted to taste more. "I wanted to be alone because I did not want to cry in the bed next to you. You would've heard me crying and you would come to my bed and ask me why I cry... You do not know how often I have run from the dorm to cry alone... If you had found me and soothed me in my bed I... I ... never mind." He pressed his lips against Moony's again, this time more passionate and opened those of the other man nearly forceful. Remus moaned into the other man's lips and let his arms sneak around Sirius' neck. Sirius tried to make another step towards Remus only to end up closer to his body. "I love you, too." he whispered between to kisses and pressed the smaller man against the wall.
"What would you have done to me?" Remus asked when their kiss ended. Sirius smiled and bent down to nuzzle Remus' neck.
"I will show you."
E-N-D
I will not go further for I am at work. As there is nothing really to be done in summer I have to find myself something that distracts me. I hate sitting around for nothing. At least I get payd 'evil grin'
Hope you liked this small one shot. I do not like the beginning including the letter... please let me know and review. Thank you!