A/N: This is absolutely silly, 100%. Soooo cracky and I don't know where it came from! I hope you like it and it brings some laughter your way :)
Disclaimer: Ain't nobody got time fo' that! - Don't own glee, just a creative weirdo who does it fo' fun.
Brittany, the Princess of Unicorns
/
"I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't-"
"Now, Brittany, darling, please listen-"
"I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I WON'T!"
"Enough of this tantrum!"
Queen Pierce had had enough, and usually it took little to make her temper rise but Brittany was being a handful of annoying right now.
She tossed her consort, a man she loved for his skilled doting in bed and bright blue eyes which had been passed on to her spoilt daughter (the one chanting 'I won't' in a continuous fit), a look reeking of exasperation so he knew that she blamed him for this particular quirk in their seventeen year old daughter.
He shrugged, finishing his fifth glass of wine.
Brittany crossed her arms and pouted, "this is so unfair!"
"No! What's unfair is having a daughter who disrespects my rule. I'm Queen, how do I expect the people to follow my lead when my own daughter even distrusts my judgment!"
"If I may," the Queen's royal consort/husband/father of her children AKA Sir Andrew Williams-Pierce shot his daughter a quick wink and then pretended to be stern with her, "Brittany. Your mother is right. You need to be married."
"But, father-"
"Listen," he shot his wife a pleading look and then turned back to his daughter, "if your mother agrees to my proposition then maybe we can all be happy, hm?"
"What proposition?" Queen Pierce asked her husband, whose fatherly affection for their child was turning her on. What a manly man with sensitive 'dad' words that her childbearing hips wanted to buck for.
"What's a 'proposition'? is that a food? My unicorn needs my attention, can I leave now?"
Brittany, noticing the weird foreplay stares her parents were giving each other, would rather her mother just let the argument drop at 'I won't.'
"Brittany, Lord Tubbington can survive without you. Just listen, please."
"Fine. I'm listening."
"I propose that, instead of another tournament to the death where the winner gets the prize, as I did your amazing mother, that you may simply pick who you like most. Done."
"Absolutely not!" Queen Pierce screeched at her husband, shocked that he would give their daughter a choice like that. Did he not know that their daughter slept with practically every boy and girl in the kingdom and needed to settle down immediately? "Fighting unto death is tradition, it's how a worthy person is picked to marry our daughter!"
"I don't like violence," Brittany screeched right back at her mother. And their argument was to square one. "I will not marry a violent person!"
"Brittany," her mother stood up from her throne and started pacing. "Why don't you understand? You're the heir of this kingdom, your father and I wish for grandchildren-"
"I would prefer Brittany not get married and stay chaste and virtuous forever," Andrew interjected, to no effect.
"You've never put any effort into education, you flirt with all the girls and boys – why, just last night I saw you and those two knights disappear into the cloak room during the party! By Gods Brittany, not just one BUT TWO?!"
"Who are these knights," Sir Andrew whips out his sword, "my own soldiers seducing my daughter?"
"Oh knock it off, Andrew," Queen Pierce slapped his shoulder and went back to yelling, "Our daughter has charmed her way into the pants of all of your soldiers! Girls, boys, that one ambiguous looking knight with the lisp… you are a princess, not a hooker! You're worse than Prince Puckerman of the Jock Land!"
Brittany slouches, "but mother, soldiers are my weakness. They're so sexy with their armour and usually quite fit without it, too."
"Then you shouldn't have a problem picking out a suitable knight and marrying them," Sir Andrew pointed out to his daughter, pleased when she seemed to have no refusal but disturbed at how sexual his daughter apparently was.
Only she did argue his hopeful compromise, "but if I marry them then I have to be with that one person FOREVER. That is prison! Marriage is prison! Why do you want to imprison your own daughter?"
"Without that prison, you forfeit the throne and you NEED to be wed by your eighteenth birthday. It's a ridiculous tradition but it demands honouring. I'm done trying to make you see reason. Anyone who thinks they're worthy will fight for your hand and you will marry someone by the end of the month even if a thousand soldiers must die in the process!"
With that ending remark, Queen Pierce stormed out of the throne room of her castle, leaving behind her husband and daughter.
"But daddy," Brittany shot him eyes shimmering with tears as she collapsed on a wooden chair and sniffled, "I don't want to. I want to keep on having fun."
"Oh honey," he knelt next to her and lifted her chin. "Your mother and I just want you to have protection. Any man strong enough and willing enough to fight for you is worth considering, don't you think?"
"Why did you fight for mother?" Brittany questions him, still not a fan of violence.
"Because it was glory and a lot of gold, a comfortable life of guaranteed luxury and the Pierce name to my title." When Brittany pouts, he adds quickly, "Also, I thought she was most beautiful."
/
"Of course I'll enter the tournament for your hand in marriage," Sir Sam Evans held out his basket of vegetables to his Princess as she stroked the fur of her unicorn, Lord Tubbington.
He watched with a smile as Brittany picked out a carrot to feed her magical pet.
"Good. And you better win, Sam. At least you're a friend, I would rather be forced to marry you than some complete stranger."
"I'm the best knight in this kingdom, after your father. It is I who shall succeed, Brittany. I love you."
"Aw, thanks." Was Brittany's response to his declaration of love, happy that he wasn't ugly like Sir Rick the Stick. She would rather die or marry Sam than marry someone as uncouth as Rick the Stick.
/
"What the hell is this!" Santana Lopez, known notoriously by her sword name Sir Satan, spat out the wine she had drunk. "Azimio! Azimio!"
"Y-yes master?"
"What did I say about putting shit on my shit? Get this shit away!"
"B-but, master, that letter is for you-"
"From who? I never get letters! People who want me on their side only send me personal messengers because they know I take pleasure in insulting them!"
"I-it is from the Pierce Kingdom of Unicorns, master. You have not dealt with them before."
Santana slammed her wine cup down and ripped open the letter with her trademark scowl, before handing it to her servant Azimio.
The real reason she detested letters so much was because she was unable to read.
He cleared his throat and said, "To whom it may concern if you happen to be a Knight that is, you have been cordially invited to be a contender if you so choose in a tournament to win the hand of the most beautiful and precious Princess Brittany. The declared winner shall become her loyal consort through marriage and welcomed into the Pierce Kingdom as a member of the royal family."
"Hold up," Santana raised an eyebrow to herself, "is Princess Brittany the legendary beauty? I heard she's so fine that the Unicorns bow to her beauty, but I also heard that she sleeps in the nude in the woods which is weird."
"'Tis true," Azimio nodded, "yellow hair that shines in the sun, electric eyes of the sky… she's rumoured to be the most beautiful of all. Not sure about the sleeping arrangement though…"
"Hell no, I'm the most beautiful," Santana pointed to herself with a snarl. "Though, I suppose marrying someone who is considered the second most beautiful will be awesome. The Pierce kingdom is rich and has the loyalty of Unicorns. Think of all the bling I could have, all of the power!"
Azimio drooled at the thought of riches. He would just love for his master to live in a kingdom of any kind so they weren't so isolated from society. It was boring out here in the woods cabin.
"Master, there is a footnote on the invitation."
"What does it say?"
"It says, P.S. there will be feasts and drink for the week of the tournament on the house."
"Back our bags Azimio, and I give you permission to bathe too! We will accept this invitation and soon be waited on hand and foot after I kill all opponents in this tournament. Where is my sword Snix? I need to sharpen it immediately!"
/
"No one wants to compete?" Sir Andrew Williams-Pierce yelled, absolutely flabbergasted.
"My daughter is considered the most beautiful, EVER, dammit! It's a Royal decree I made up in the invitation! There should be a war for her right now!" Was the Queen's shrill response to this spare amount of competitors.
Brittany hadn't wanted the tournament, on account of the fighting and death, but it was an insult to any princess when no one would fight for them. Brittany was sure thousands would be willing and her feelings were hurt. She's pretty sure the shrubs in the castle courtyard were still laughing at her.
Fucking Queen Quinn is on her eighth tournament for a consort! With a hundred willing to battle, no less, despite the fact that whoever she wed always mysteriously died within a year.
"Explain this insanity!" Queen Pierce demanded her servant who had been unfortunate enough to deliver the news.
"Sir Satan. Sir Satan has given intent to participate and she is known to have defeated King Finn's army. By herself. With one hand. And blindfold."
"Oh, well," Queen Pierce gave her daughter a terrified look, "crap."
/
"Fucking door is jammed! Azimio! Azimio, un-jam the fucking door afores I end you!"
"Yes, master!"
Santana rolled her eyes as he struggled with the latch of her carriage. Her carriage was named Snix. As was her sword. As was her black horse. As was her armour. As was her other black horse. (As was the secret razorblade within her hair).
Azimio helped her out of the carriage and she made sure to moodily slam the door behind her. "What the fuck? Where are the usual people swooning over my hotness by now?"
She made sure her black carriage was still painted with the letters S-N-I-X so all who saw it knew she was the amazing swordswoman Snix.
"Indeed," Azimio observed. The tournament for Princess Brittany was sure to have attracted many soldiers, and his master had been looking forward to killing a lot. He had been looking forward to being free of her wrath for a week.
The Kingdom was quiet and there were no tournament directors to show them to a room, it was odd.
"Is this a joke? I don't have time for jokes. Azimio, did you read the invitation wrong because if you did I will seriously-"
"Are you Sir Satan!" A knight cloaked in high-quality armour and standing a foot taller than her held up his sword in a challenge. "I shall fight you unto death for my love, Brittany the Princess of Unicorns."
Santana turned to him and cackled, not at all impressed. "Are you fucking kidding me? I have no time for child's play, Knight With Lips so Big They Doth Suck A Baby's Head. I entered a tournament. Not a joke. What is this? Is Brittany ugly? Is that why no one will fight for her? Azimio, go find out if I was tricked! Someone will pay for this!"
"Yes, master."
"How dare you! Brittany is the most angelic of angelic angels, you are unworthy of her. You are a small woman with a most foul mouth and I am sure my abs are much better than yours! I can provide an heir for her, and I will defeat you!"
"I'll just kill you, or maybe cut off any chances of giving anyone an heir you weirdo!"
The crowds that had gathered started chanting, "fight, fight, FIGHT, FIGHT!"
Santana grinned. There were the people. She loved herself some audience and fame.
"ENOUGH."
Everyone turns to where the Queen is, also drawn to the large crowd anticipating a duel. She clears her throat and gives in to the likely fact that the tan Knight of unique skin and sword skills would likely become her little Briytany's consort. "We can't have the fight start without the Princess you are fighting for, you Neanderthal knights!"
Details, details. Santana craned her neck around to see if she could spot the Princess.
"I don't want a fight," Princess Brittany whined loudly, stepping out from behind her mother with a pout.
Santana eyes bulged, "please tell me you are Princess Brittany. Please."
Brittany turned her gaze to the short swordswoman and grinned naughtily, "you bet I am."
Santana whimpered, cheeks flushing. "I can definitely work with that. Alright, let's fight."
"No! NO STOP THE VIOLENCE," Brittany screamed at the knights once she was snapped out of her trance (that knight was some kind of beauty she had never seen and that must mean something). "Mom, I like that girl. I want her so bad I'll marry her. Can we just stop with the killing?"
"Bu-but," Santana gestured at Sir Evans with her sword, "I want to kick his ass! What kind of trophy are you if I don't even get to fight!"
"I am no trophy! Do I look like a trophy? I'm a human girl. With moves in the bedroom you would never find anywhere else. "
"That is true," Knight Abrams murmured from the crowd, suddenly in a place (memory) far, far away.
"Nothing can ever compare," Santana overheard another voice.
She scowled, cheeks a-flush, "Azimio! Azimio! I'm feeling weird."
"I think you're aroused, master."
"Mother, can I take her for a spin?" Brittany bit her bottom lip, eyeing the tan Knight up and down with a calculated gaze.
"Allow me to defeat Sir Satan, my princess." Sir Sam Evans said to her, pleading.
Brittany's eyes snapped out of their trance at that tidbit. "Sir Satan? Sir Satan?"
Santana smirked, cocky and pleased that Brittany said her name with such expression. "Hells yes. I've slayed dragons, and-"
"I can't marry you! You're that army slayer. You kill for a living."
"So? You totally want up on this. You just made that obvious. Azimio, she made that obvious, did she not?"
"Yes, master."
"So be a good little Princess and let me chop off those big lips on that guy over there so you and I can get our honeymoon on."
"Absolutely not!" Brittany pouted. "I'd rather marry Sam. He's never killed anyone."
"Are you serious?" Santana turned her gaze from Brittany to Sam. "You just said you'll marry me, and then you take it back? What are you, five?"
"If I may," Azimio cut in, loudly so everyone could hear. "My master, Sir Satan, has responded to an invitation to compete for a hand in marriage and my master HAS NEVER before intended to marry, but now she sees Princess Brittany and has fallen in love and finds that her swords can not fill the empty hole-"
"Wanky, Azimio."
"-in her heart, master. I was saying the hole in your heart."
"Right." Santana rolled her eyes.
"My master would fight a thousand soldiers for you heart, Princess Brittany. She wishes only to prove she's worthy and so… she will challenge Sir… er… this big mouthed dude to a duel and to please her Princess she will not kill him. Only draw first blood."
"We'll take it!" A villager yelled, since all the villagers of the kingdom wanted some kind of fight if the tournament was cancelled.
"We want to see Sir Satan in action!"
"Woooo! Sir Satan will marry our Princess and become a warrior for out great kingdom! Party at my house y'all!"
Princess Brittany sighed and stared right at Santana and said, "no killing. If you kill him…" she pointed to each of her boobs and shook her finger.
Santana frowned, and Sir Sam Evans started sharpening his sword.
/
"So…" Santana sat down on the edge of Princess Brittany's bed. "We're like, married? For reals?"
"Yep." Brittany moved around her room and lit candles. It was tradition to wed right after the tournament victor was named and the tournament was expected to go on for weeks. Since Santana had beaten the crap out of Sir Sam Evans, they were married in front the kingdom right after and the celebrations could be heard all throughout the town.
"Are we going to have sex?" Santana questioned.
"Well… I'm not gonna say no," Brittany replied honestly because, sure Santana was a lot of things Brittany didn't like so far considering she was a notorious Knight with a kill count so high it was ridiculous, but she was also really, really beautiful. Brittany had a soft spot for beautiful.
"Okay." Santana fidgeted, her hands toying with the handle of her sword. "I mean… uh… cool. I so got this. I even asked Azimio if, you know, since I'm good at everything I do, will I be good at this too and he said yeah. So I'll be good."
"Woah," Brittany twirled around really fast. "You're a virgin?"
Santana blushed and shrugged, looking down at her lap.
"Oh my god," Brittany covered her mouth. "Yes! I love de-virginizing! You have nothing to worry about, Satan, I'm practically a God in bed."
"Santana, not Satan."
"Santana."
They stared at each other for a moment.
"So…Want to get naked?" Brittany asked.
"What, now?" Santana looked a bit terrified and curiously intrigued.
"Yep. Take it off." And Brittany knew she could live happily ever after with Santana as the armour came off and unveiled what she got to work with for the rest of her life.
/
Fin.