Numb
You could say it's been different, but that would kind of be a radical understatement. It's not just different, it's completely foreign. For 4 whole years, I have waited and waited for the day you would come back to me. Waited for the day that everything would be as it used to be. That's what I wanted, what I needed, or at least that's what I thought. But really, now that I'm actually with you, living in your shitty apartment, working day and night as hard as I can just to even come close to your standards, and hardly having any time for my games, I think I'm just being used. You don't love me anymore. Not like you used to. You just want to get my ass in gear so it will benefit you best. You don't care about me personally. You're never happy with anything I do, I always screw it up one way or another. Maybe I should just quit. Leave you now before one of us does something we'll regret.
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
What happened to my Mihael? Where did he go? He always cared about me. I was his whole world and nothing else mattered. The only thing that ever came close to my importance to him was his studies, but I didn't mind that much. This may sound selfish, but I want him back. The one who loved me, and cared about me. Not this imposter who only cares about my computer skills to help him catch Kira and avenge L. Suddenly, the idea of quitting and just walking away from all this sounded so nice to me. I just feel so empty inside. I feel like I'm losing myself, almost as if I'm slowly eroding away after every curse, every scream, every hit inflicted upon me by your once tender self. I don't want to be like this. I don't want to lose myself. It probably won't affect you either way, considering you're always telling how much better it would all be if I just get out of your life, stop weighing you down like the kicked puppy I am. But somehow I don't think you're completely telling the truth. Just spewing out an unplanned cover up to make you seem stronger and more independent when really, you need me. Don't you, Mello?
I've become so numb, I can't feel you there
Become so tired, so much more aware
I'm becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
It's official now. I'm losing myself. You're destroying me, Mello, drowning me. What's wrong? You were always so sure of yourself, you didn't need a shoulder to lean on or someone to hold your hand like I always did. Or is it that you do need someone, that the person you need is me? Are you afraid, Mello? I feel it now, like a collar around my neck, attached to a leash that's wound tight around your wrist. I'm captive, because you can't trust yourself, because you're afraid of yourself. But what is there to me afraid of? I'm certainly not scared, just kind of…disappointed. You wanted to morph me into the perfect work machine. Someone who would follow your every command like a trained lap dog without as much as a question or comment. Well guess what, it's not working. I'm not going to allow it anymore. There's nothing I can do, I'm just a mistake. Your mistake, Mello.
Can't you see that you're smothering me,
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control?
'Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you.
Every step that I take is another mistake to you.
And every second I waste is more than I can take.
And so I pack my bags. The plastic cases under my fingertips are cool as I place them almost reluctantly into my duffel bag. I don't know where I'm going, or even what I'm going to do there. I just know I have to go. I can't take this anymore. The constant numbness creeping into my veins and working its way throughout my body. It's like a computer virus, and the only way to get rid of it is to destroy it at its source. And my source is you. I'm sorry, Mello. But really, this is how it's better off being. I know what's happening and I've got to stop it.
I've become so numb, I can't feel you there,
Become so tired, so much more aware
I'm becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you.
"What the hell are you doing?"
I jump at the sound of your irritated voice. Edgy and merciless. Whipping around, I see your obviously unimpressed posture. Pale arms crossed over your leather clad chest, one blonde eyebrow raised the slightest bit. Rolling my eyes, I turn back around and continue packing. "I'm leaving," I say in a monotone.
"You're what?"
"You heard me, Mello. You said it yourself that I should just take my shit and leave. Well that's exactly what I'm doing," I sling the back over my shoulder, sending you a blank, unreadable expression as I do.
You simply narrow your eyes, expecting me just to drop to my knees and grovel at your feet like your Mafia cronies. I'm not afraid of you. You don't own me anymore, Mello. "Good luck with whatever, Mels, because I'm out," I brush past you. Not even daring one single look back. And somehow, I feel lighter. It's clear to me now what you felt at Wammy's. And I know now why you worked so hard to beat Near. Because it was you everyone had faith in. Roger, Watari, even L himself always thought you'd be the one to surpass L. But it was you who disappointed everyone. I worked so hard to be what you needed, to mean something to you again, but I just couldn't. Your standards were too high for me and all they did was keep growing. You know I'm a little on the short side.
And I know
I may end up failing too.
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you.
I'm slightly disappointed though still. Some part of me wanted you to just drop on your knees, take my hand in yours and tell me all over again how much you truly do love me. But also the more rational part knew that was never going to happen. Maybe with the old Mello it might've. But I can't dwell on the past. This is a new beginning of a new part in my life. The part where I live my own life. No one telling me what to do, no one weighing me down. Just me, myself, and I…And my video games and cigarettes of course.
I've become so numb, I can't feel you there,
Become so tired, so much more aware.
I'm becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you.
This is what's right. I can feel it. The collar has fallen and I'm a free man now. The Mello I knew is long gone, but that's not my fault. It had nothing to do with me. I can't do anything to bring him back so I'll just have to accept it. I did the right thing. And now it's time to move on. Maybe I can get a job, maybe at a local GameStop or something, rent my own apartment and just be…Me. Yeah, let's see how well that goes.
I've become so numb, I can't feel you there.
(I'm tired of being what you want me to be)
I've become so numb, I can't feel you there.
(I'm tired of being what you want me to be)
Kind of a different take on the Matt/Mello thing. It kind of broke my heart writing this but oh well, might as well get an idea out, right? Reviews/faves and the likes hightly appreciated thank you!
-Gamer-