The Lord of Dumb Things: The Fellowship of Dumb People

Calypsan

Disclaimer: Note that I do not own anything remotely Middle Earth. I do own the author/narrator though, but she is not anything remotely Middle Earth.

So… I guess this story began with a guy named Sauron who made rings. Hm. Rings. On second thought, maybe it was Harry Richie. Ahem. Anyways, Harry Richie gave three rings to the elves, because the elves are spiffy. Seven to the dwarves… hey! Waitaminute! How did those little idjits get more than the spiffy elves?

A small pause ensued, as it seemed the narrator was regaining her composure.

Right. So Harry Richie also gave nine rings to men, who eventually all turned into these creepy dudes in black cloaks. So Har-

"Stop! Stop! This is all wrong!" The voice seemed to be Galadriel's. It also seemed very ticked.

Who are you?

"I am Galadriel, the one who's supposed to be doing this intro. I left for five minutes and I was replaced? Who are YOU is the question."

Oh… me. I'm the narrator, and the author when I'm not speaking in italics. I thought you talked too slow, so I decided to take over the introduction and do it myself.

"Well. If you insist on stealing my job, then why don't you try not screwing it up so much? It's Sauron. SAURON! S-A-U-R-O-N! And what's with spiffy? I'm sure you could have come up with something a little more creative than spiffy. And idjit? Is that even a real word? And you weren't supposed to introduce the wraiths just yet, they're a surprise for later on."

Fine. Fine. We seem to be little miss touchy today, don't we? Calm down and I'll try harder.

So Harr-uh…Sauron… made his own evil ring to control all the others. Thus, his dark dominion over Middle Earth began, until an army of men and spiffy elves came to the rescue. In the end, Isildork-

"It's Isildur!" called Galadriel's voice once again, "ISILDUR! That's it. I cannot handle this. I quit!"

Thus Galadriel (one of the only sane ones) ran away, leaving the insane freakos to fend for themselves.

Heh. Good riddance.

Anyway. Isildork took up his dead father's sword, cutting off Sauron's ring finger, rendering him powerless. Then everyone lived happily ever after.

A moment of silence shortly ensued, crickets chirping in the distance.

Oh crap! Wait! Except everyone didn't live happily ever after, or else this story wouldn't exist! You know what? I already goofed this up enough and I hate the boring exposition anyway. Let me just skim my script and tell you what you really need to know. Like the Cliff notes or something.

Hmm. Isildork takes the ring… blah blah blah… gets killed… yadda yadda… Gollum takes the ring and a hobbit by the name of Bilbo Baggins steals it away from Gollum. Okay, I think you get the picture now. I'm fairly sure you won't need the rest of the stuff to really understand what's going on.

With out further ado, I bring you…

The Lord of Dumb Things: The Fellowship of Dumb People

So there you have it, chapter one. I would appreciate any reviews you want to give me. Hey, if you thought it was craptastically bad enough for you to feel you need to flame me, then I have accomplished something haven't I?