AN- This is crack. Complete and utter crack. This is so OOC and so ridiculous that all I can say is that the opinions expressed in this story are comedic only and I do not think Mario is evil or that Sonic is a terrible franchise. But no one can defend Bubsy. No one. When I watched the episode of Hetalia this was based on, I found it hilarious that the murderer that cursed the chair had such a close name to the notorious Bobcat, so I found I had to write about it. If you don't know who he is, there's a very nice JonTron episode detailing his franchise, and no knowledge of Hetalia is required to read this trainwreck of a crack fic. I own neither the video games, anime episode, or real life cursed chair that this story is based upon. Only my own deranged ideas. I am so utterly sorry. Oh, and happy Halloween or something. –Twilight Joltik

Bubsy's Chair

By Twilight Joltik

Mario was the type to attempt to befriend everyone he met. He found it to be a nice way to live his life, connecting people. It usually worked too. He'd been able to do things with his friendships from uniting Bowser and Peach long enough to save the world from certain doom to get his brother a girlfriend. His policy was to accept everyone as a friend, no matter how difficult it seemed, and for the most part, it worked.

And by "for the most part", he meant he could get along with literally everyone in the world besides Sonic. The two had met back in the early nineties and instantly become the most bitter of rivals. Each sought to outdo the other in their adventures, and he had to admit, the competition was fun until Sonic started dwindling in quality. And then, Sonic stopped being a goalpost to measure his success against and turned into an insufferably arrogant jerk.

It'd been that way for so long, and his games had gotten so bad that even with his infinite patience and kindness, Mario couldn't help but wish the hedgehog's series would just hurry up and die so their mascot would shut up about his greatness. Every time a colossal blunder from his once rival would hit the markets, he'd cross his white-gloved fingers and hope that this would be the straw to break the Yoshi's back and finally end the series for good. And still, somehow, he'd find himself repeating the process once more once the next mistake came out.

One day, after a Smash Bros match in which Sonic had done practically nothing but span taunts the entire match and then still win because he got the Smash Ball, Mario sincerely wished he could just go up to Sega's headquarters and shove them a load of coins in return for retiring the "Blue Blur" permanently. He knew he couldn't do this, though; he lacked the funds and his bosses would get mad at him for waving off one of their third-party series.

Fuming, he went to Rosalina's library instead. A nice book always took his mind off things. Almost at random, he plucked a book from the shelves only to notice a bookmark already rested in its pages. Curiously, he opened it to the marked pages and his heart soared as his eyes scanned the pages. Could it be? The solution he was looking for?

It told of a chair that had, several consoles ago, sat in a Sony lounge. It had been the favorite of notoriously terrible platformer mascot Bubsy Bobcat, famous for the notoriously terrible Bubsy 3D. After this game came out, it was said the Bobcat sat in his chair as he was told that he had screwed up so badly that he would no longer star in any games. And, with an obnoxious guffaw, he'd said these immortal lines: "That's just purr-fect! Fine, then! If I'm out of work, then I curse all who sit in this chair to be doomed to a swift and violent franchise death."

He then stood up and left that Sony lounge, never to be seen again by any man, woman, or video game character. It was later observed that many doomed mascots sat in that very chair shortly before producing the final nails in their coffins. So many of the characters that had sat there had failed that eventually Sony suspended the chair five feet off the ground so none could sit in it.

A twisted smile came to the mustachioed man's face. This thing could get rid of Sonic easily! If he could find a way to procure it, that insufferable hedgehog was as good as gone!

Procuring it, actually, proved to be less than a challenge than Mario had anticipated. It was just a matter of asking that genie girl that was so desperate to get in Smash for a favor with a promise he'd put in a good word for her with Sakurai. He had used his Smash Ballot vote for her, in fact, given he'd thought it might help his bosses' relations with indie studios, so it wasn't even a lie.

She'd gotten it sent to his doorstep within the hour, and quickly afterwards, Parakarry delivered a note about a meeting that day, which Sonic would be attending. Things were just lining up perfectly, weren't they? Like the dominoes in the game of the Mr. Domino whom Bubsy's curse had claimed, things were fit to fall right into place.

He showed up early to that meeting, chair in tow. It seemed no one else was there yet, so it wouldn't be hard at all to swap it out inconspicuously. Sonic, being as conceited as he was, always sat at the head of the table, and a nice ornate chair like Bubsy's would look perfectly in place at such a position. Besides, the hedgehog never paid attention anything but his own speedometer, so it was unlikely he'd notice until it was too late.

Just as he'd swapped the chair in, however, someone else showed: Toad. Why in the name of the Observatory Toad of all people was invited eluded the plumber, but he smiled warmly at his friend as he entered, hoping that his scheming couldn't be sensed. "Oh, hello Toad! What brings you here so early?"

"Oh, just felt like getting a head-start on things, you know?", Toad brightly greeted, seeming unaware of his treachery. "I hardly ever get to go to these things, and I thought making a good impression might be nice."

The Toad's beady little black eyes scanned the room and he started making his way towards the front of the table. "This chair looks comfy!", Toad exclaimed, and Mario realized with a start that he meant Bubsy's.

"No, don't sit there!", he exclaimed quickly, starting to regret his life choices. "That's Sonic's-"

Toad had already begun to sit down as he yelled this. The world started to move as if in slow motion, with Mario screaming "Nooooooooo!" as the mushroom's rear descended upon the accursed chair.

And then Bubsy's chair exploded into several pieces the second Toad made contact with it. Something about the mushroom, be it some dark aura around him or simply the fact that he wasn't really much of a mascot character, had made the chair's curse reverse itself, imploding in the process. Mario's eyes filled with tears, for his plan had been foiled. Toad, however, simply frowned.

"Hey, why'd it do that? I didn't know it was exploding chair night."

END