Dean knew the signs.
He had read about them online. He wanted to be aware of the risk factors that could drive somebody to committing such an act.
It was immediately after Bobby confessed to having suicidal thoughts after becoming wheelchair-bound when Dean decided to conduct some research. He was worried about Bobby; after all he was like a father to the Winchester boys. He and Sammy sat down at the computer for countless hours, studying the topic- the warning signs- that someone could be considering suicide.
He knew the signs, but he never thought he'd have to look for them again after Bobby's mental wellbeing improved.
Though the topic was engrained deep in his mind, Dean had let himself forget the signs as life went on. He didn't think he'd have to worry about it again, he didn't think he'd have to look out for the risk factors anymore. He especially didn't think he'd have to be wary of the mindset of a certain angel friend of his.
He should've payed more attention.
He let it slip right by him. How stupid. How did he miss it when all the information was implanted right in his head?
Risk Factors: history of mental illness, history of trauma or abuse, lack of social support, recent loss of relationship, recent job loss…
Warning Signs: sleeping too much or too little, withdrawing or feeling isolated, alcohol/substance abuse talking about feelings of hopelessness, talking about wanting to kill oneself.
Talking about wanting to kill oneself. That was the first sign that Dean had completely ignored. Thinking back, he shouldn't have let it slip past him. He should've talked to Cas.
"I'm afraid I might kill myself."
Cas had been reaching out for help, but Dean completely disregarded the comment. The months that followed should've set off alarm bells in his head, even if that first sign didn't.
Dean noticed Cas sleeping way too much. There were times where he would stay in bed all day. He should've said something, but once again he just blew it off. Who didn't need to rest up once in a while?
Dean noticed the empty beer bottles that would appear around the bunker. He didn't think anything of it, he just assumed that Cas had discovered the great taste of beer. Even the great quantities of alcohol that Cas was drinking didn't tip him off. Cas used to be an angel, after all and he assumed that maybe the ex-angel, though now human as ever, had a greater tolerance to its' effects.
Cas had been withdrawing himself from the world, which Dean also noticed, but once again, didn't bother to mention to anyone. He let Castiel distance himself from everyone, and he didn't do anything about it.
Why? Why didn't he say something?
It wasn't until it was too late where Dean finally noticed how broken Cas was.
Dean, Cas and Sam had been staying at some crappy, rundown motel while on a case involving several missing teenage girls showing up dead with strange symbols carved into their bodies. Everything seemed normal before Dean went out on a late night food run. Sam was on his laptop, researching the possible causes of the murders, while Cas was getting himself ready for a shower.
The nearest fast food joint open at such a late hour was about a 15-minute-drive. Dean came back to the motel half an hour later with a takeout bag containing a bacon cheeseburger and fries. Sam was still on his laptop, eyes glued to the screen and Cas- well, Cas was nowhere to be seen.
"Where's Cas?" Asked Dean.
"Shower." Sam replied, eyes not leaving the computer.
"Still? He was getting in there before I left… it's been half an hour. "
Sam turned to face Dean, eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "I wasn't even keeping track of the time…"
Dean walked over to the bathroom door and knocked loudly. "Cas? Are you still in there?"
No reply.
He knocked again. "Cas? You okay?"
Still no reply.
Dean was growing worried. He tried the doorknob and his concern grew when he realized the door was locked. Sam came up behind him and started knocking as well.
"Cas! Open the door!"
It was then that Dean felt something damp circling around his feet. He looked down to see water spewing out from underneath the bathroom door.
"Shit." Dean immediately went into panic mode. "Step back Sam."
Sam cautiously moved backwards as Dean prepared to kick down the door.
Dean swung his leg with all his force allowing the door to burst open with a deafening bang. He ran inside, only to see something he had not been prepared for.
Castiel was sitting fully-clothed in the tub of overflowing water. His white dress sleeves were rolled up to his elbows, revealing deep scars running vertically across the ex-angel's wrists. Blood was pooling out of his arms giving the warm water a reddish color.
Dean stood there staring, stunned, but couldn't move. He was frozen in his tracks. He was thankful that Sam quickly took action. He watched as Sam grabbed some towels and pressed them against Castiel's wrists, while shouting at Dean to call an ambulance.
But all Dean could do was watch.
Cas was barely awake. His eyes were sluggish as he stared into space. He had no reaction to Sam shaking him and demanding him to stay awake.
"Dean! Call 911!"
Dean was finally able to break out of his trance and run out of the room to grab the phone.
"911 what's your emergency?"
Dean could barely speak, "Um… M-my friend, he attempted suicide- there's so much blood… Please…"
Dean couldn't even register what the operator was saying to him, he just stood there in shock repeating "Please… Send help" into the phone over and over again.
It seemed like hours for the paramedics to arrive. They loaded Cas onto a stretcher and took him away. Dean sat on the edge of the bed while Sam answered questions about the ordeal. After the ambulance left, Sam walked over and touched Dean on the shoulder to grab his attention.
"Dean, we should go to the hospital." Dean nodded in agreement as he followed Sam out to the car.
The drive was silent. Dean couldn't speak, he was still in shock. How could Cas do such a thing? How could I not have noticed how hurt he was inside?
The ride to the hospital felt longer than it actually was. When they arrived, they gave their names to the nurse and then sat in the waiting room. Sam dozed off in one of the uncomfortable chairs as Dean sat there tapping his foot anxiously. Within a few hours a nurse finally emerged from the emergency room doors.
"Castiel Winchester?"
Dean nudged Sam to wake up and they quickly made their way over to the nurse.
"We're his brothers. How is he?" Sam asked.
"Castiel is in recovery. We managed to stop the bleeding and stabilized him. If you found him any later, he would have been a lot worse."
"C-can we see him?" Dean stuttered.
The nurse gazed down at her clipboard before speaking again, "This was a very serious suicide attempt. We're going to have to keep him under 72 hour observation, but you may see him before we take him to the psychiatric ward."
The nurse turned and began walking as Dean and Sam followed closely behind. When they arrived at Castiel's room the nurse waited outside as the two Winchester brothers stepped inside the room to see a very pale Cas who had deep dark circles under his eyes. Cas looked up at the brothers and quickly turned away, ashamed. "I'm… sorry." He muttered.
"Cas, you have nothing to be sorry about. In fact, I'm sorry that we didn't notice you were struggling." Sam said. Dean nodded in agreement, still unable to say anything. Cas looked at Dean, afraid and Sam noticed the fear in his eyes.
"I'm going to go talk to the nurse; I'll give you two a moment…" Sam said before stepping out into the hallway.
Dean and Cas stared at each other in silence, unsure of what to say. Finally, Dean managed to speak,
"Why?"
That's it. Just one little word.
Cas looked down at his bandaged wrists. "I don't know."
"Bullshit."
Cas looked up, shocked at Dean's response. "Excuse me?"
"I said bullshit, Cas. Of course you know. You have to have a reason for this… People don't just slit their wrists for fun and games."
Cas sighed before speaking, "I-I guess I just felt overwhelmed. Hopeless, even. I'm human now, I felt like I had no purpose anymore… I just wanted to escape the pain."
Warning signs: Speaking of feelings of hopelessness.
"Why didn't you come and talk to me? Or Sam? We could've helped you, Cas. What you just said describes depression to me. We could've helped you through it… it didn't have to come to this." Dean motioned to Castiel's bandaged arms as he spoke.
"I was just ashamed, I guess. You guys are so tough… I just thought I should handle it on my own."
"Part of what makes someone tough is the ability to share their feelings. Cas, being depressed is nothing to be ashamed about. I've been depressed, Sam's been depressed, but it helps to have support from someone you care about."
Dean frowned as he thought back to all the signs he noticed in Castiel, but failed to say anything about at the time.
"Cas, I have to admit, I had noticed for a while that you were struggling. I noticed the drinking, and the sleeping… but I didn't say anything. That was stupid of me. I should've said something earlier."
Cas nodded, "It's not your fault Dean. I should've talked to you about how I was feeling in the first place."
Dean smiled. "I love you, Cas. And I don't want anything to happen to you. Please promise me that if you ever feel this low again, you'll talk to me, or Sam, or someone. Please."
Cas smiled. "I promise."
They were interrupted by Sam reentering the room with the nurse. "Cas, you already know you're going to be staying here for a couple days. But it'll be good for you. You'll get the help you need, and then Dean and I will come and pick you up and help you recover at home."
The trio said their goodbyes and exited the room, confident that Cas would be safe in the hands of the hospital. The brothers made their way to the parking lot before Dean began to speak, "It's all my fault, Sammy."
"What? Dean, don't say that. You couldn't have known-"
"But I did know, Sam. I knew something was wrong. I saw him drinking, and sleeping all day… He even confessed to me that he was afraid he might kill himself, but I just ignored it."
"Dean-"
"Sam, it's my fault."
"No Dean, it's not. I noticed something was wrong too, but I didn't think it would end up like this. I just thought he would pull through it by himself, I mean, who hasn't been depressed, right? But we can't blame ourselves for not saying anything. All we can do now is help him get better. We'll find a therapist, we'll make sure he takes medications… We won't make the same mistakes again. If we notice the signs, we'll speak up, okay?"
Dean agreed. "Okay Sam. I won't blame myself anymore."
Sam smiled. "Alright, well let's get back to the motel; maybe pack some things for Cas, and then we can visit him tomorrow."
The brothers hopped in the car and drove off back to the motel, with a positive mindset that Cas was safe and receiving the help he needed.
Recovery: work on healthy lifestyle choices, find the treatment that works for you, talk to your health care professional, talk to the support you have, don't be afraid to share your feelings.