Disclaimer: This is my first Fan Fiction & also the first creative story I have ever written for another person's pleasure, so please be nice and gentle. I don't own any of the characters - they all belong to Janet. The song that inspired this story, and the lyrics that appear in this story, are not mine. They belong to Ella Mai. Please enjoy!
Naked – Chapter 1
It's a beautiful, sunny afternoon in Trenton, New Jersey. We don't get many afternoons like this - the sky is a clear, bright, sparkling blue with no clouds present. If Ranger was here, he would compare the sky to the color of my eyes. Unconsciously, I find myself smiling just thinking about him. That man really loves my eyes. And I'm not complaining.
The sun is warm and inviting – it is warming up my hands and arms through the windshield of my car. I look down and see my knuckles are white from the way I have been gripping the steering wheel for the past few minutes. I am nervous to let go. I am so angry that I honestly don't know what my hands would do if they weren't gripping the steering wheel. I have to calm down enough to drive, and I really don't want to be sitting out here anymore, so I need to calm down quickly. I turn the radio on to distract myself and start the process.
Deep breathes, Steph. Deep breathes. In, 1, 2. Out, 3, 4, 5, 6. In, 1, 2. Out, 3, 4, 5, 6.
I let go of the steering wheel and start stretching my fingers and hands, letting the blood flow back through them. Continuing to breathe deep. In, 1, 2. Out, 3, 4, 5, 6. I can feel the tension slowly leaving my body, but the anger I feel towards Joe Morelli is still there. I don't think that anger well ever truly leave my body again. I am currently sitting outside his house and I really don't want to be here.
With another set of deep breathes, I start the car and decide that I am calm enough to head back to my apartment. It is mid-afternoon and traffic is light. I have always loved driving – the independence it gives you is empowering. But it also gives you too much time to think and that is exactly what I don't want at the moment. I don't want to think about why I am so angry. I don't want to think about the fight that Joe and I have just had. I don't want to think about how disappointed and angry my mother is going to be when she hears that I'm single again (and for good this time too). I don't want to think about why I stayed with Joe for so long. I don't want to think about all the hurtful things he said and all the horrible names he called me. And now I am thinking about all of it, and before I even know it, anger is building up inside of me again.
I turn the radio louder trying to drown out my thoughts. I decided to focus on whatever song is on the radio. As a pull into my parking lot, the song changes and I immediately like the beginning tune of the next song. I park the car, turn off the engine and something tells me that I need to hear the lyrics. I put my head back, close my eyes and just let the tune and lyrics wash over me:
Take away the big shirts, the tattoos, the sweatpants and Vans
Okay, I don't wear no makeup, no purse in my hands
My resting bitch face is mistaken for the mean girl
But what if I told you
There's nothing I want more in this world
Than somebody who loves me naked
Someone who never asks for love
But knows how to take it
Are you that somebody?
Who sees a wall and breaks it
Are you ready to fight just to see what's lost behind my flaws?
Can you love me naked?
Yeah yeah, yeah yeah, yeah yeah, Naked
Yeah yeah, yeah yeah, yeah yeah, Naked
Oh-oh-oh yeah, yeah
Might be a bitch in the morning so catch me at night time
Some of my friends think I'm moody but I think I'm just fine
I could be pissed but I act like I'm not
I really remember when I say I forgot
No matter how hard I try
To run away from love at the end of the night
I need somebody who loves me naked
Someone who never asks for love
But knows how to take it
Are you that somebody?
Who sees a wall and breaks it
Are you ready to fight just to see what's lost behind my flaws?
Can you love me naked?
I need someone who loves me when I wake up
Who thinks I'm beautiful when I'm looking fucked up
I want the perfect love, am I asking too much
Someone who shoots for the stars
Knowing I think I'm never good enough
I need somebody who loves me naked
Someone who never asks for love
But knows how to take it
Are you that somebody?
Who sees a wall and breaks it
Are you ready to fight just to see what's lost behind my flaws?
Can you love me naked?
(Naked by Ella Mai)
By the end of the song, the tears are streaming down my face. I pull my legs up into my chest and wrap my arms around them. I bury my face in my legs and let the crying take over. My whole body is trembling. The sobbing is violent and ugly, but I don't care. I want somebody that can love me naked – not physically naked, Joe and I have never had a problem with that side of our relationship, but someone that can love me for me, for who I am, for my job, for all my failures and mistakes and for my annoying little quirks. I want someone that doesn't want to change me into the perfect 'burg wife or make me quit my job. I want someone that can support and love me. Someone that wants to see me fly higher and higher on my own.
Crying is exhausting. I wipe my eyes with the bottom of my t-shirt, release my legs and pull myself out of the car. I collect the bag from the backseat of the car – it contains the last few things that I had at Joe's place. I am happy to say that there is no sign at Joe's place of me every being there. That's good because I am done with that part of my life. I won't waste another minute of my life on that good for nothing asshole.
I make my way into the apartment building and take the stairs up to the second floor. There is less chance of me running into anyone on the stairs. I unlock my door, drop my bag in the entrance hall, say hello to Rex and make my way through to the bedroom. I change into a pair of sweats and fall backward on to the bed, into my thinking position. I allow myself to think about everything that happened to today. I think about how my day started and how well it was going; about how proud I was of myself; and how excited I was to share the news with Ranger and Joe; and then about Joe and my fight.
Flashback:
I woke up a few minutes before my alarm this morning. It was an early morning for me, but for once I was excited to start my day. I was going after Tom Stadler today. He wasn't one of my usual skips. He was wanted for robbery and attempted murder. His wife had sent him to the convenience store to buy diapers and baby food in the middle of the night. He had forgotten to pick them up on the way home from work earlier that day. It wasn't his fault that he forgot – he had been working a triple shift, so 32 hours, and just wanted to get home to see his wife and 16-day old baby. He got to the convenience store and went to the counter to pay for the items when he realized he had left his wallet at home. He always went to this store and he knew the young man behind the counter. They lived 5 houses apart. He explained to the young guy what had happened and said that he could drop the money off early tomorrow morning on his way to the office. The man refused and Tom's temper snapped. Before he knew it, the police were pulling him off of the young man.
Tom Stadler wasn't considered dangerous, but his bond was high and I was excited to bring him in – it would mean that I can pay my rent and buy a few groceries for the house. Tom was scared of going to jail and was hiding at this cousin's house.
I was so proud of myself. I couldn't wait to tell Joe and Ranger about how well my apprehension had gone. No cars were blown up. I didn't land in any garbage. Nobody was shot. I didn't have to call Ranger for back up. But I did have to chase my skip for two blocks and through a few backyards. Coming through one of the backyards, I caught my jeans on the fence and tore the top of my jean leg. The tear couldn't have been more than 7cm long, and I didn't even think about the tear again. Until I got to Joe's house.
After apprehending my FTA, I dropped him off at the police station and collected my body receipt. Everywhere I went in the police station, people kept staring and giggling behind their hands. To be honest, I didn't think much of it. I pushed it aside thinking it was some new rumor or gossip going around the 'burg about me. I was on my happy cloud and I wanted to stay there – no gossip was bringing me down just yet.
On my way back to the bonds office, I decided to stop at Joe's place. He has been working night shift so he should be at home resting. I really wanted to see how proud he would be when he knew that I had brought in such a big bond with no problems or back up. Just maybe he would see that I am competent enough to do my job. When I arrived at Joe's house, he was furious. I could tell immediately. The anger was pouring off of his body. He was on the phone when I walked in the door. Joe was pacing and I could see from the tracks in the carpet that he had been pacing for a while already. Something was wrong. He lifted his head and caught me standing in the doorway watching him. His eyes met with mine and I immediately knew that the anger was directed at me. What had I done?
"Joe, what's wrong?" I didn't know what else to say at this point. Mentally I went through my day looking for what I could have done to make him this angry.
"What's wrong? What's wrong?! I have had a dozen or so phone calls telling me about my slut of a girlfriend bringing in her FTA with her lace underwear on display for everyone to see. And as if that isn't bad enough, you have that thug's name embroidered across them. Why? Why, cupcake? Why?!" By this point in his rant, he is screaming.
I look down and suddenly see that the small tear on my hip had ripped further and as Joe had pointed out my underwear was on display for everyone to see. I felt my cheeks go red and the black dots appear before my eyes. I push them away, try to pull my t-shirt down further and focus back on Joe ranting in front of me.
The rest of the fight continued the same way as every other fight that we had had. I embarrassed him. I was a joke. I was incompetent. I should just give up, quit my job, move in with him and become the 'burg wife I was supposed to be.
I had gone there excited and so extremely proud of myself, only to be torn down, verbally abused and made to feel worthless and unloved all over again. I calmly went upstairs, packed the last of my stuff, and told Joe that we were done. I was surprised at the feeling of relief that flooded me once I had said all that I needed to say.
End of Flashback
I pull out my phone and search for the song I heard in the car earlier. I put it on repeat, lay it on the bed, turn onto my side, pull my legs up to my chest, close my eyes and drift off to a restless sleep.
Note: This is the first time I have ever posted a story online for other people to read, so please let me know what you think. I have written Chapter 2, which I will post tomorrow hopefully.