The Misadventures of the Pines Family, Book 1: Machine With a Heart: Part 1
"Mother of God!" Stan yowled in pain dropping the hammer from the wary ladder he was balancing on. The right side of a 'Welcome Home' sign he'd been trying to put up for the last three hours had fallen for the fifth time. "I don't need your stupid tools, Rack Shack!" He raised his fist in the air and yelled, losing his balance and falling butt first onto the hard, dirt sidewalk beneath him.
"Stanley, I heard a crash are you alright—" Ford bolted out the door wearing a pink apron with a heart in the middle.
"Yeah I'm fine," He said rubbing his head. Ford rushed to his aid and helped him up dusting him off. "Oh!" He snorted. "If it isn't Grandma Pines!" He laughed.
"Our great nice knitted this for me. I thought it was rather dashing." He said putting his hands on his hips yielding an oven mitt.
"It really brings out your eyes." Stan said binding over in laughter.
"You think so…?" Ford said smiling. "Oh shut up." He said frowning. "Well what's you're excuse?" He said defiantly, pointing at Stan's sweater that read, "I Heart Mabel" in bright red letters. Stan blushed and furrowed his brow.
"Sweater is completely different than a girly apron," He said waving his arms. "Besides mine isn't covered in flour." He said proudly. "Now move aside, I need more nails from the kitchen.
Stan pushed his way past his brother and hurried up the steps. Once he entered the archway he gagged as a putrid smell slapped him the face like a dead fish.
"What the hell?" He yelled. "Ford, what died in here?" He groaned. Ford angrily stormed in the door and waved his oven mitt around to clear the thick air.
"Nothing!" He ran to the kitchen with a worried look on his face. "I was making Stuffed Draognturtle pud! I learned how to make it when I traveled to the Flimix dimension." He said lifting the lid of a pot on the stove. Steam and fire rose abruptly from the pot and made Ford jump backwards tripping over a bowl scattered on the ground.
"Now you've done it," Stan said running for the fire extinguisher.
He broke open the door with his fist and heroically put out the flame, covering the entire stove with white gooey substance.
"I knew I shouldn't have added so much paprika." He said breathlessly from the floor.
"Next time maybe you could make something from this dimension, genius." Stan said breathing hard. "That's, what? The fourth time you've set something on fire this week?" He said, glancing at his brother.
"Fifth," Ford said defeated. "You're forgetting the fireplace incident last Wednesday night."
"If we can barely out up a sign and cook a meal for a great nice and nephew, then what good are we, Ford?" Stan chuckled extending his hand.
"Perhaps a simple chicken stew would suffice." Ford said dusting himself off.
"Yard signs never hurt anyone…" Stan looked out the window.
"Well come on the, Stanley!" Ford said rubbing his hands together. "We haven't a moment to lose. Dipper and Mabel will be here within an hour."
"You'll have to bust some ass to get this cleaned up in time," Stan said rubbing his forehead. Ford put a hand to his mouth and shot straight up.
"Or just five seconds." He said with excitement in his eyes. "I have an idea!" He punched the key in the snack machine and ran down the stairs, tripping a few steps down.
"Aye, where are you going? Kitchen's that way!" Stan called. Ford appeared back within seconds with a blue gun of some sort.
"What the hell is that thing?" Stan examined the weapon and scratched his unshaven chin.
"A dehydration gun!" Ford lunged forward and posed holding the gun cooly between his fingers. "An old colleague of mine from the Metroctiy Quadrant showed me how to use one of these bad boys ages ago," He said running happily to the kitchen. He blasted a blue electric substance with the mysterious weapon at every misplaced object. It shrunk into a small blue box and fell onto the floor with a small plunk.
"Dehydrating objects at will. I'll never be able to thank him enough." Stan looked round at the pristine kitchen and nodded.
"I'm impressed." He said hands on his hips. "Can it make me a new sign?" He said chuckling.
"No," Ford sunk his shoulders and frowned. "But there's cardboard in the back of the Mystery Shack!" He said hopping to the kitchen. "Hurry! I've got to get started on this soup," He said excited.
"Ladle, ladle, ladle…" He opened cabinet after cabinet, rummaging through all the various puts and pans. "Remind me where we decided to keep the utensils, Stanley?" Ford asked pulling a stool out from under the sink.
"Cabient beside the fridge." He said.
"Say you wanna help me put up the sign after you make some decent food?" Stan asked.
"Yes, yes, very good." Ford waved his hand and kept his back turned to his brother.
"Thanks for the help." Stan mumbled, rubbing his backside and heading out the door.