What is it about Bellatrix Lestrange? Is it the hair? Or the weird bendy wand from the movies? (No kidding.) Or is it the way she releases her inner child a little too frequently? Either way, it's about time someone showed the way of the light: that torture is wrong, families are about love and that it won't kill you to brush your hair every once in a while. (Like, perhaps, once every twelve years.)
WARNING: Bellatrix Lestrange is paranoid and temperamental and notoriously goodat Cruciatus Curses. We accept no responsibility for any persons who injure, incapacitate or kill themselves whilst following our suggestions.
Sing Voldemort's solo from "The Mysterious Ticking Noise": a one two three four, Voldemort Voldemort ooh Voldy Voldy Voldy Volemort!
Repeat the above refrain, fifty times a day.
Invite her to a Black family reunion. Casually mention, offhand, that Andromeda and Sirius will be there.
Give her a teddy bear for Christmas with a note: "Something to love and care for. Just something."
Tell her Voldemort has asked her out on a dinner date. Then send her off to an obscure Muggle cafe in a village populated with incontinent sheep.
When she gets angry about this "unfortunate" escapade, clap hand to head and shout "Oh nooo, I got the postcode wrong. Either that- or I think he asked out Narcissa instead."
Give her a (pink, sparkly, plastic) hairbrush with the words "Little Beauty" on the back.
Whenever she gets angry, pat her on the shoulder saying: "Deep breath, Bella, calm you feel calm that's it good girl."
Ask if her therapist in Azkaban was a Dementor.
When she stresses out at this, say innocently: "I only thought that that may be the answer to your Voldemort obsession."
At Death Eater meetings, interrupt her with "Voldemort and Bellatrix, sitting in the tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G."
Say that she's a Harry Potter fan really.
Say that if she's so fond of nature in her hair, flowers are a much better look than a bird's nest with other "poor unfortunate small animals."
Interrupt her during a critical torture moment, singing "Always look on the bright side of life."
Do all of the above, all at the same time.