Disclaimer: I do not own Avatar, it is owned by Nickelodeon
"Oh Azula, your hair's growing back so well. Even without servants attending you it still remains a nice silky lustrous glow."
I try to blot out the voice, it's not there… it's… not… there. I shut my eyes tightly; shake my head furiously before opening them and looking into the mirror of the vanity. She stood there still, smiling still. I should throw something at her, prove she's not real, but there was nothing to throw. They only left behind a comb for me and that was firmly clutched in my hand. I could not throw it… I still needed it. Still needed to tend to my hair.
She isn't real! She's not here, she's fake! Yet I can't help but smile when I stroke my hair, I can't help but feel happiness when she compliments me, when her loving approval fills me with nothing but absolute glee. Tears form in my eyes as they slowly drip down, clinging to my chin and then falling to the floor. I could feel nothing but my own hatred and fear in this cell yet when I see her eyes glare into mine through the reflection… I feel peace… happiness. Content.
"Oh mother… how… how can you love a monster?" I finally said, it must've been the first thing I've said in days, I've always ignored her, always shut myself out, but why deny her existence any longer? I was beginning to grow weary of my own denial… Denial? No… Her not being there is the truth. I stop brushing my hair and look at my mother
"You did what you thought was the quickest and easiest way for you to get approval. Whether that meant abusing your friends, family… or whoever. It did not matter. It does not, however, change the fact that I love you and always will." My mother smiles again, that same, warm smile that I've missed so much. The words she says ring of the truth, always I've wanted Father to look down at me with pride, always I've wanted to outshine every other person in the world. I was outshining everyone in the world now; after all, my mother was talking to me and with such warmth and care in her voice. Yes, it was wrong for me to think of her of not being her, she was my mother, and how can I be in denial when her love is right there, comforting me and giving me strength? My usual twisted expression cracks and I smile finally forms on my face. I start brushing my hair again, slowly and carefully. The soft sound of the brush against my hair being the back drop of our conversation.
"Do you think I should grow it more mother? Or should I ask for a haircut? Perhaps bangs? I think I should go for a new look."
"As long as you keep it long it should look wonderful my dear. Don't always keep it up though, let it hang sometime, really show off that silky glow."
"And my outfit mother? Oh how I've wanted attention from boys. I am pretty right mother? Ty Lee has always said we were pretty but is it really true mother? Am I pretty?"
"Oh Azula, you are the prettiest crown princess anywhere and everywhere. Don't forget that. You have the ferocity of your father and the grace of your mother."
I continued to brush my hair, looking at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out a good way to tie it. Maybe just let it down like gracious mother asked? Maybe put it up for a bit and let it down when someone special came? But who would be someone special to come?
I push that thought out of my mind and decided to let it down with a simple ponytail for now. Long means beautiful, long means admiration from mother.
"I love you mother."
"I love you Azula."
I smiled, and I could not stop smiling. It feels good to smile; it feels good to be happy. "I can't wait till Zuko sees you! He'll be so excited!"
My mother smiles at me and puts a hand on my shoulder; I touch it… and feel nothing. My sanity seems to be gathering the pieces, but despair seems to swallow me as I do so. Mother was not there, meaning no one is there. I feel lucid, whole again… but as I do I realize the state I'm in, realize with all my cold logic what's going on. I was going crazy; my mental state was breaking down. That voice did not exist, I should ignore it; try to get my bearings… But then the despair, the horror and the fear and self-loathing sets in. "Not… real…!" I cried, the words escaping my mouth but I'm not even sure what I meant by it. What do I mean by anything anymore? Why should those words really have any meaning to me? What did it matter? Mother was gone… Father was gone. No more approval, no more…
…
"Azula?" A voice chimed, I look back to the mirror and there she was, sitting in the corner. She patted the floor beside her. "You were dozing off, are you alright?"
I smile, despair drifts off into imaginary clouds, horror flies off into the blue sky, fear disappears beneath the seas and self-loathing melts into the walls. "Nothing mother… as long as you are here, nothing…" I went to the corner, sat down and smiled with tears of joy running down my face. I held my mother… and she held me…
"I've missed you mother." I whispered.
"I've missed you my dear… my lovely child."