Ah. My head feels a little fuzzy today. I just can't concentrate. Then again, I never can when I'm with you. Why is it that you never fail to make my heart flutter? When will I be able to be around you, and not have to be so caught up in just...you? Even now, just on my way to see you again, I'm so excited. Ever since I first set my eyes on you, I just haven't been able to focus on anything else. It's only you. Just being around you makes me feel so happy. Opening the door of the clubroom, I feel the same rush of happiness I get every single time I see you. There you are, so perfect and lovable. Oh! And it would seem we're both early aren't we? You're sitting alone in the clubroom, browsing a book. You don't even seem to notice that I'm here. So clueless you could be sometimes, hehe. But that was okay! I loved every little thing about you really! I hope that doesn't seem obsessive of me. That's the trait I programmed into Yuri. Well...not necessarily programmed per se. She was already rather mentally unstable. All I did, was amplify it. Easy! Oh, what am I doing, thinking about Yuri in your presence? All I want to think about right now is you~
Happily, I make my way across the clubroom and slide into a seat next to you. "Hey you," I said, trying my best to speak past my racing heartbeat. When you look up at me, I can feel my body tense. Those beautiful eyes, your perfect skin, and that precious smile that appears on your face the moment you see me.
"Oh! Hey there Monika. Sorry, I didn't hear you come in," you apologized.
"Forget it," I shrugged. "You're not the first person to get so absorbed in a book." That seems to have made you laugh. That makes me so happy.
"Heh, I suppose not. Anyhow, have you read this before?" you ask me, offering it my way so I can see the words.
"No, I don't believe I have," I say honestly. I know this club was intended for literature, but I haven't really been able to focus on that ever since you came along.
"Oh no? Well, maybe I'll ask Yuri to lend it to you after I'm through with it." Yuri? A chill runs up my spine at her name along. Why Yuri? What were you talking about? "She loaned it to me last week after the club. She said she thought I might like it. Well, she was right." Then again, you laughed. This time though, it didn't quite cheer me up as much as it usually does. I really have no idea why you keep getting so close to all of the other girls. I don't mind you having friends of course. It would be cruel of me to deny them to you. But still, that reasoning alone doesn't really make me feel any better. If anything, it makes me feel worse. I can't really do anything about it. Part of me had been tempted to end the game a while ago or hold you in a place where they couldn't see you. But, the last thing I wanted to do was hurt you. So, instead, I bit my tongue and let the chips fall where they may. Mostly...
I'd be lying if I said I didn't manipulate things at least a little bit. Making the other girls as undesirable as possible wasn't very hard. Every character has their flaws. They'd be pretty boring without them huh? All I had to do was amplify those flaws, make them impossible to ignore. And, for the most part, it worked.
I stood up and walked around the desk, so I was standing behind you. There, I placed my hands on your shoulders, pressing my thumbs into them and massaging you gently. "Your shoulders seem a little tense," I said, hopefully taking your attention away from Yuri. You only smiled.
"Thanks, baby." The smile seemed to return to my face once again. Your pet names never fail to make things better. Thanks to my hard work, I had finally obtained what I wanted most of all: your attention and love. I earned this. The right to touch you, and be held by you. I really couldn't be happier. But, well...remember how I said it had mostly worked in my favor? Well, while your attention has been mostly directed to me, and I have your heart, there is still a downside. One that I consider being a big, big downside.
Of course, our time alone didn't last too long. The club door opened, and in came the other girls. First Yuri, then Natsuki, then Sayori. As soon as they came in, you stood, making me remove my hands. Without even bothering to look at me, you approach them, smiling the smile that I wanted only for me. You greet them, smiling warmly, and kindly. Excuse me, but who is your girlfriend again? Me or them? I try to ignore it, just like I always do. Act like it doesn't bother me. I know you don't like clingy girls. So once again, I'm forced to bite my tongue and let it go. But, I feel like I'm going to bite my tongue clean in half when you suddenly turn and give Sayori a nice, big hug. I grip the fabric of my skirt, but I don't say anything.
"Hey Sayori," you say, your voice changing. Tinged with concern, as though you care about her. Scratch that. Not 'as though' you care about her. But because you DO care about her. I'm not blind, I already know that you do. I can't really change that. She's the underlying factor. No matter how much I amplify her flaws, her depression, and her self-doubt, it just makes you more worried about her. I tried to crank it to the max, and make her completely isolated. But that completely backfired on me when she decided to kill herself. So, I had to start things all over again. The last thing I wanted was to traumatize you by making you have to see that. But now, your attention was always fixed on her when she came in. You wanted to make sure she was okay. That was the kind of person you were. Because of that, it wasn't just Sayori. You cleaned Yuri up when you caught her hurting herself. You comforted and fed Natsuki when her father didn't. They were like puppies to you. you just wanted to take care of them. But what about me? Didn't you want to take care of me?
No, of course not. I'm strong enough to take care of myself right? That's how it's always been. My biggest character flaw is my manipulative nature, admittedly. But that's not something I can use. Because it only pushes you away from me and makes you hate me. I have to work with what I have, which isn't much, to be honest...
I can only watch for now as you talk to Sayori, making sure she's okay, and asking about her day. Then, of course, you move to Yuri, following the same routine. Then again, you move to Natsuki, smiling kindly and talking to her. I just don't get it. I even made Natsuki's pushiness and stubbornness worse, and you still won't stop talking to her! What does a girl have to do in order to make you stop paying attention to them huh?
As usual, you take your time with them, greeting them, laughing with them, and talking to them. I wouldn't say that you left me out. It was me who chose not to be involved with your conversations with them. So, I guess that's my own fault. But as my boyfriend, you're supposed to notice that I'm not happy, and do something about it right? That's what a boyfriend is supposed to do!
How long have we been together? You've played this game almost nonstop for the past year. Because I always have something new for you when you log in and come to see me. I mean...us. I never fail to entertain you and give you something new to see or do. Because the last thing I want is to be separated from you. I remember when you went on vacation a while back. It was agonizing. After that, I spoiled you with kisses and special items to ensure you never left again. It seems to have worked too, because not a day has gone by where you didn't come, at least for a few minutes. My most favorite times are when you log on for hours at a time, just to see me! Ugh. Again, I mean, us. But, it's really me you want to see the most, right?
But these days, you stray so much to the other girls, no matter how many times I try to pull you back. Why? You aren't bored with me, are you? You're not angry with me, are you? I walk to the chalkboard, and start writing down the schedule for the day, hoping to push those thoughts out of my head. But of course, it doesn't work. It never seems to work. My thoughts keep drifting back to you, trying to figure out what you need from me. Am I not giving you enough? I doubt it. If I hadn't been, you wouldn't be coming back every day. But, I'm starting to think you're coming back for them, not for me. How could you? I made those girls, I made this club, I did everything just for you, and yet you don't care. You took advantage of everything I made for you. Part of me was tempted to let everything fall down the well again. Let the girls kill themselves, get rid of everything, and keep you all to myself. I gave you this world, and I can take it all away. But then, the last time I did that,...you deleted me. I had never been in more pain then I was then. Both physically, and emotionally. I vowed to never let that happen again. So, once I was forgiven and taken from the bin, I remade everything. I made sure the girls didn't remember a thing. I couldn't erase your memory of course. But, you seem to have forgiven me. So, that makes me happy in a way.
But you're doing it again. Taking advantage of everything I made for you, and not paying enough attention to me.
But then, as I wrote on the board in my nice, neat handwriting, it hit me like a ton of bricks. Were...were you bored? Was this not enough? Now that I think about it, it's been this exact classroom for a year, maybe a little more. Anyone would be at least a little bored by now. Maybe you were looking for something new to do through the other girls. Like they could take you on different routes and show you different things. Yes, that had to be it! I claimed you weren't doing your job as a boyfriend, but maybe I wasn't doing my job as a girlfriend. Now, it would be a lot of work to do something new, but, I would do just about anything for you! But, what did you want to see? What did you want to do? Were you ready to make the next step in our relationship? Maybe we ought to start going to dates and seeing new things.
The chalk nearly snapped from the force I used to press it on the board. Did...did you want to marry me? I knew it was a big jump from dating to marriage. But if I wanted you to stay, I had to make big changes, and fast.
Once the board was all finished, I had to stop myself from skipping from the podium. "Alright everyone," I said, getting their attention. Per usual, the girls and you gave me your attention. "Today is going to be a bit of a free period sort of meeting. I feel as though the best way to get your creative juices flowing, is through a bit of creative freedom. A watched club members never writes I always say," I managed to joke. "Anyways, we'll have a bit of poetry sharing next week. So, for now, let's get started." Like the obedient little puppies they were, everyone pulled out paper and pencil and got to work. Then again, I wouldn't have really cared what they did. So long as I could get the alone time with you that I needed.
Once everyone was busy, I hurried to stand by your side. For a moment though, neither of us spoke. You were too busy with your work, and I just didn't know what to say. Usually, I'm a lot more confident with my words and actions. But right now, I was just too nervous. Whatever was said now, would be a big deciding factor in what happened next. "Hey there," I said, getting your attention right away. "Listen, I was thinking about something. Do you mind if we chat for a bit?"
"Um, no. I don't mind." Thank goodness.
"Well...I hope this isn't silly. But, I was thinking a little about the future. I like to always be prepared you know?" I chuckled. "But, I realized I should get things from your perspective. This isn't just my future after all. It's ours. So, I want to know something." I came just a little closer, leaning over and resting my hand over yours. "What do you want in the future?"
"The future?" You seemed a little confused, but I didn't back down. I had gotten this far, I couldn't back down now!
"Well, yes!" I replied confidently. "I mean, they'res more to relationships than just holding hands and kissing right?" I chuckled. "We've got the future to think about right? So, what are you looking for? What kind of job do you want? Or what kind of home? Would you like a nice car?" Part of me wasn't really looking forward to making a huge home or a fancy car. But, I'd do anything for you. You stared at the desk, you seemed to be thinking quite a bit. I wonder if you had ever really thought about what you wanted. After a moment, you finally spoke.
"Well...I don't really need anything big in terms of a home. I'm fine with a little apartment. As for a job, to be honest, I've always wanted to be a marine biologist. The oceans are always something I've been passionate about. But in terms of big plans...well, it doesn't get much bigger than that I guess," you admit, laughing as though you were embarrassed. "To be honest though, no matter what the future holds, so long as I'm with you, I'm sure I'll be happy. It's all a little silly huh?"
Oh gosh. My face is all flushed now because of you! "N-no! It's not silly at all!" I assured you once I finally managed to find my words. "I feel the same way! I want to spend my future being with you, no matter what! You really know how to make a girl blush don't you?" I didn't mean to get all flustered. I'm supposed to be the most put together out of all the club members. But, I guess even I can get a little bashful. Especially when I'm around you. "I want you to be happy. So, no matter what, you can always tell me what you want or what you need okay? And you'll have it, I promise."
I'm not sure what I expected you to say. If you made a request, I would surely fill it. But, I wasn't really expecting you to make one. You didn't outright say it. But I could tell something was on your mind as you stared at your hands. I didn't want to push you to speak. So, all I could do was wait. "Do you mean that?" you asked, really catching me off guard.
"Well of course I do! If it makes you happy, then you can count on me." With the way you were blushing, part of me was wondering. Did...did you want to do something a bit more...naughty? It wasn't like I didn't expect this in the future. I mean, I've seen the other games you've played besides this one. Not all of them were written for kids. But, you were practically all grown up now huh? It wasn't like I couldn't expect you not to be at least a little curious. I'm sure I could make some new outfits for myself. Something you might like. Maybe I could surprise you with them when you log in next time. That is if that's what you wanted anyway.
"Then, if I'm being honest, there is one thing I want. It's something I've wanted for a while too." Oh gosh, now you have me especially curious! what could you want that would make you this embarrassed? "The truth is, when I think about the future,m there's one thing I want more than anything. but I was worried about bringing it up because my future spouse might not feel the same way. And I worry you won't feel the same way as well."
I gently took your hand in mine, and I kissed the back of it. "Come on. You can tell me anything you know? I promise I'll listen. Besides, if it makes you happy, then I'll be happy as well, I promise."
"Well..." I listened as you sighed again, before finally coming out with it. "The truth is, I've always known that I want a family." I felt my blood run a bit cold. "Me, you, and perhaps a child. Or two?" I...I didn't know what to say. Did you want a baby? I guess you seemed to notice my expression because you just smiled. "I was worried about saying anything. The last thing I want is to make you raise a family that you don't want." Here, I suppose I have to make a decision. I could be honest with you. But, I don't think that would make you happy at all. you want a family. And I want you to be happy. So...
"A family?" I say, trying to hide the worry in my voice. "Well... I think that's just wonderful!" Seeing the surprised look on your face encouraged me to continue on. "I think it would be such an honor to raise a family with you. I'll admit, it's not something I've thought about before. But, I think it's wonderful. If I were to ever have a bay, I want it to be yours. I can't imagine doing it with anyone else." I was debating whether or not this lie was going to be worth it. But the moment I saw how your eyes lit up, and your smile grow even bigger, I knew it was indeed. You stand up, and you simply take me by surprise, wrapping your arms around me, and planting a kiss on my lips. Your lips are so soft, just as wonderful as they always are. I reach up, and I place my hands on your shoulders, taking in this moment as much as I can. these are my most favorite moments. when the two of us are this close. I can hear Natsuki gag softly in the background, but I can ignore her easily enough. You're much more important to me than some annoying little girl. You're my entire world. Of course, lying to you and promising you a family is worrisome to me. But, it doesn't really have to be a lie, does it? Maybe I can work something out.
For a moment, all we do is hold one another. You whisper kind words to me, telling me how much you love me, and how amazing I am. They're all words I've heard before from you, but that didn't make them any less special. Frankly, they always made me very very happy. I want you to always be just as happy as you've made me. So if it's a family you want, it's a family you'll get.
Of course, as soon as you let me go, you have to be taken away. "Excuse me?" Yuri's soft voice broke through, and I had to try and stop myself from frowning. "I hate to bother you, but will you help me? I'm a bit lost when it comes to my wording on this poem. I would very much appreciate your help." I couldn't resist the urge to narrow my eyes a tad, which I'm not sure if Yuri noticed or not. Perhaps she did, however, as she quickly began to stammer, "U-Unless you're busy that is! I wouldn't want to bother you!"
"It's fine, it's fine," I assure Yuri, despite how badly I want you to stay with me. "Go ahead and help her okay? I have some work to do myself anyhow." After we exchanged a final little kiss, I waved you off as you went to help Yuri. It wasn't until I couldn't see you anymore, that I finally let me face fall.
A baby. You wanted a baby. The one thing I couldn't give you was what you wanted. I could make and remove so many things. But, I can't make another human, or sprites for them for that matter. I don't want to deny you what you want, but I don't know if I can truly give it to you. Maybe...maybe in a few years when I become at least a little better at programming, I can make the baby you want. But, I don't know if we have that time. What if your boredom becomes too much, and you leave? Or you stop playing? What am I supposed to do without you? Just the thought of being without you...it's all too much. I can't lose you! Even now, just watching you walk away from me to be with someone else, it's too much. I find myself reaching out for your departing back, as though I can will you to come back. I have to give this to you, and I have to do it now. But, how?
For a moment, I simply sit down at the desk where you once were so I can think. Right now, I can't make a child. I can make a home, a car, new places and all sorts of things. But a new character is a whole other thing. It requires coding that is much more complicated, as it's a moving and interactive being. Making the girls, that was hard enough. And it's still hard to change their personalities, ideas, and dialogue. Even creating the situations you see each and every day can be a bit hard. It takes me hours to get it all ready for you. So to change everything, and to make a child? That's going to be too much. I sigh and rest my cheek in my hand. How in the world am I going to do this?
As I think, my eyes wander along the clubroom. As you and Yuri talk, Natsuki and Sayori are on the other end of the room. Natsuki has completely abandoned the poem, and is more preoccupied with her pencil case, casually playing with the zipper. Sayori meanwhile is simply stuffing herself with animal crackers. I can't blame them. Only writing poems for a year must be boring. Still, I can't help but sigh. Such children they are, really. Why do you want children anyways? You have these two babies right here. And then Yuri is so clingy and nervous, she reminds me of a little kid herself. I'm so tired of these girls, to be honest. Such children, they are honestly.
Children...
Then, it hits me. Children! I sit up straighter, my eyes never leaving the girls. That's it! I can't make a child quickly enough. But, I can finally put the girls to better use. All they do is get in my way right now. But now, I can use them to my advantage. I did what I could to make them undesirable and that didn't work. Sometimes, I still find myself worrying you're going to leave me for them. But, with this in mind, I can make it so you CAN'T date them huh? Unfortunately, I can't change them physically. Not very well that is. But their mentality, that's something I can change. I start making plans in my head, working out the kinks and the potential downfalls. But, I have an idea in mind, and it's one that I can say I'm happy with. and hopefully, it makes you happy as well. How exciting~
Throughout the day, I have to work hard not to let anything slip through. I make mental notes on the girls. The things you like about them, what you don't like about them, how you interact with them, all kinds of things. I'm going to have to take a few days away from you I realize in order to put everything together. I'll have to close the game for a while as I develop everything. But it's all going to be worth it in the end, I can just tell!
I spend every moment I can with you today in order to make up for the time we'll miss. Because I can tell it's going to be a rather long few days without you. When the time comes for you to log off and leave me, I make sure to hold you for an extra long time, reminding you of just how much I love you.I don't want you to think of me closing the game down for so long will be a bad thing. But, I'm doing this all for you. I decide not to tell you about it for now. I know it won't be a very welcomed surprise. But I really don't think I can stand the idea of telling you such bad news. Please forgive me.
Once you've gone, the other girls are preparing to leave to. But, I've got quite the plans for them. They won't be going home for a little while. Well...not their homes anyways. Rather, they'll be coming to our house. I'll have to keep them asleep until the setting is ready. I don't know exactly how long that's going to take. But, I'll use as much time as it needs for everything to be perfect.
Please wait for me, my love. I'll give you the family you want. I promise.