Part of her wants to die. Part of her wants to see an end to all the suffering, the loss, the pain, the constant decisions that hold the fate of countless lives. She knows it's selfish, because how dare she beg for relief when she can still help, when she can still raise a gun and fight? But she wants it all to end; she wants this war, this battle, to be over.
But of course, he is there, and she can't think like that anymore, not in front of him, even if her feelings have been showing on her face for weeks now.
"Hey, Kaidan." she says, walking up, trying not to seem so spent.
They're in a war zone on their home planet and those goddamn Reapers are hovering in the sky like demons straight out of Dante's Inferno and everyone around them is on edge, but his voice is shockingly happy as her turns to her. "Hey. There you are."
"You ready?" she asks.
"Absolutely. For anything. Bring it on." It's a shameless lie, and she knows that he knows that she knows, but he doesn't backtrack, not like he wouldn't done back before…all of this. When all they were doing was brazenly fucking with boundaries and regulations and wishing more than anything that those boundaries and regulations weren't there.
She just trudges onward. "And biotics division? Your students?"
He actually manages to chuckle at this. "More than ready. Eager. That's youth for you. Guess we're old soldiers, eh, Shepard?"
It's so true, it makes her stomach clench. "Yeah. I guess we are."
Suddenly, he's serious; his face changes completely and his dark eyes, the most expressive part of him, are focused on her and keeping her in place. "We know the score. We know this is goodbye." He admits it almost easily but his voice is lower, and she can tell it took everything he had to admit the truth of their unfair, bleak situation.
She had planned to welcome Death like an old friend, but now, with him, in the face of his grief, she can't stop herself from coming closer. Commander Shepard is gone; in her place is just Jill, a farmer's daughter and a victim, with thousands of lives at her feet and billions more in the palm of her hand. "When this is over, I'm going to be waiting for you. You'd better show up." she whispers, meaning it with all her heart.
His head dips down slightly; she knows him well enough to see that it's a knee jerk reaction, one he always gives when he just can't take it anymore. "Don't get me wrong. I'm gonna fight like hell for the chance to hold you again." His voice cracks, finally giving voice to his weakness. The soldier in him wasn't completely gone, though; he backed away a few steps, making her miss his closeness, and stood a bit straighter. "But listen, there…things I want to say. Looking back, I have a few regrets, but not many. That's pretty damn amazing, right?" He turned slightly to face the nightmarish skyline. "Messed up kid that I was, never would've dreamed of the life I've had. And I owe a lot of that to you, you know."
"It's been quite a ride." she replies, watching the sparks fly from the broken buildings.
"It sure has." He turned to her. "But how are you doing? Scared?"
She gives him a wry smile and almost feels the commander come back. "Damn straight I am. But that fear is gonna keep me alive long enough to strike those bastards right through the heart." Saying it forces her to realize it again—she's ready to be taken, and has been for a long, long time.
"Yeah. Exactly." She can tell by the look on his face, the hitch in his voice, that he realized it, too.
He was right—this is goodbye. She was always terrible with goodbyes. "So…Take care, Major." If she stays any longer, the pain will kill her before the Reapers do, so she starts to walk away.
But of course, being the hopeless romantic he is, he's not letting her go anywhere just yet. He pulls her in and lingers there, his entire body tight as he savors the moment, and then kisses her. She knows it can't last forever, but she would give anything to believe that it could.
He takes a shaky breath. "Stay safe."
For once, she can't answer, lest she fall apart then and there. She holds his gaze, using it to say everything she can't, and he backs away again. "Well," he begins, "I should find the rest of my squad."
She needs to go now. "Yeah." she murmurs, and starts to leave again. She hears him, musing away behind her.
"You know, I've never been to London…" he says with a light, almost pained chuckle, and she keeps putting one foot in front of the other.
She loves him so much.