The Enterprise In An Unexpected Frenzy

Unfortunately, Captain James T. Kirk imports "love bugs" from his latest diplomatic mission, vectors of a weird mating disease. And who is in charge to straighten out the mess the bugs cause on the Enterprise? Leonard McCoy, of course. Just great.

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"Bones?"
"I'm busy, Jim."
"Bones, it's urgent."
"It's always urgent with you."
"No, this time I'm serious."
"If it was that serious, you would call me from the bridge, and not your quarters. Are you aware what time it is?"
"Well, uh…"

There were two seconds of silence.

"It's 4 am. Why are you busy anyway? Shouldn't you be sleeping in your bed right now?"
"You're damn right, I should, Jim! But since you invaded our ship with these little bugs…"
"I'm calling because of that, Bones."
"Well, I hope you're joking, Jim! Not you, too?"

"Umm…"

"Why did I even ask? The sickbay is full to bursting! Thanks to you, Jim. Please lock yourself in, I don't have time for that. Even Spock is infected, and Uhura can't handle him any longer. Currently, there are 964 people on this ship, and although I gave order that no one is to leave their rooms until I gave them the antidote, my infirmary is a madhouse. Really, Jim, I will come to you as soon as possible. NO, SULU, JAYLAH DOESN'T WANT TO SEE YOUR SCEPTER! I AM POSITIVE SHE IS FAMILIAR WITH THE ANATOMY OF THE MALE HUMAN BODY!"

"Bones, I'm so sorry to interrupt, but indeed it is very urgent, if you know what I mean."

Leonard McCoy sighed deeply. The loud noises in his sickbay began to create a headache in the back of his skull.

"Bones?" Captain Kirk sounded disturbed. "Oh my god, was that Sulu? Why is Jaylah giggling?"

Doctor Leonard McCoy's instincts told him to ignore his captain.

"Jim. In what kind of urgent need are you? Are you about to do something stupid or have you already done it?"

Silence. Leonard McCoy heard his captain breathe and knew what it meant. Defeated, he asked:

"Who is it?"
"You know Scotty's colleague?"
"The little monster man? I didn't know you were gay."
"No, Bones, the other one. Gorgeous, big titti- breasts, long legs, of Adianon race, Risa is the name."
"Damnit Jim, have you an idea how fertile those Adianons are?! Within two hours…"

"Yes."

"I'm on my way. SULU, PUT THAT BACK IN! Oh wow, he's well equipped, our lieutenant."

"Bones! Hurry up! It's been already fifty five minutes! Oh god, she's coming at me again! Uff. Uh… ah… What are you - yes, there… I love your dots..."

"Jim?"

"Bones?"

"Hold on a second. Spock. Spock! Oh please, not again. I thought you were Half-Vulcan, for god's sake. What, Uhura wasn't a virgin? I'm sorry I'm the one who has to break it to you, but women at her age mostly aren't. Ouch, Uhura! That wasn't meant to be an insult. You look great, really. No, Spock, I don't care about your customs right now. No, I can't and won't repair her virginity. Commander Uhura, stop hitting Commander Spock! Jim? Jim! No, Uhura, please, are you two always that… enthusiastic? Not in my infirmary! Immediately stop kissing each other and go back to hitting. That's my girl. Well, I will be gone for a moment, and I will lock you all up in here. It's for your own safety, and the safety of the rest of the crew. Jim? I'm on my way."

Leonard McCoy hastened down the hallways. Once he left the madness of the Enterprises' sickbay, it was eerily quiet. Due to the epidemy, only crew members who had already been vaccinated by the doctor himself were allowed to leave the room.

"Well, Bones, maybe… ah… Risa, you're killing me. Why didn't we do that earlier?"

"Jim?"
"Oh god…"
"JAMES TIBERIUS KIRK!"
"Oh, hello again, could you… come in about an hour?"
"No, Jim, pull yourself together."

"That's hard. Stop laughing, Risa. Yes, you can't imagine how hard it is… to hold myself back, I mean."

Leonard McCoy coughed.

"Of course. But no, I will not wait another hour. I'm in front of your door now, and if you don't open it I will blow the whole thing apart. Remember, you don't want to become a father that soon. I wasn't able to prevent three pregnancies by now. You and your love interest will not be the fourth! Just imagine the ship in a few months…"

Leonard McCoy stormed into the room as soon as the door unlocked, outflinging the antidote.

"Bones, you know how I hate needles." James Tiberius Kirk wailed, awaiting him stark naked. Leonard McCoy rammed the needle into the captain's biceps.

"It smells in here."

The woman, fair skinned with yellow and blue dots, answered with a grin.

"It smells like adult people having fun."

Without a further word Leonard McCoy injected her the antidote.

They sank to the floor. Leonard McCoy sighed, relieved. He shook his head. "Dear Jim, if there's ever been a captain capable of putting a whole starship crew into a wild mating frenzy, he would be nothing compared to you."

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AN: Just watched the new Star Trek movie yesterday and I loved how the characters cared for and made fun of each other. Poor Bones...