AN: Sort of post-ep one shot for 47 seconds. The mysterious blonde woman from "The Limey" hasn't been named yet to my knowledge so I have called her Megan here. Enjoy!
It was one thing for him to go on and on about how good his lunch date had been yesterday, but it was entirely another for him to invite her out to drinks with them after the case. He was doing this on purpose; she just couldn't figure out why. She'd told Lanie that he'd been pulling away from her lately, but him inviting Megan out with the "immediate family" was a new low.
Beckett couldn't help but watch them, all cuddled together in the booth across from her and Esposito. She stared in disbelief as his hand found its way to her knee and he leaned in to kiss her. She could feel Ryan and Esposito shift their gazes in her direction. It physically hurt to watch this and she just couldn't do it anymore.
"I'm going to go finish this paperwork I was going to bring home," Beckett started, picking up her bag. She nodded to an empty table. "Over there."
Castle pulled away from Megan to see where she was headed and noticed tears in her eyes as she stood up.
"Hey, what's wrong?" he asked gently, his overprotectiveness towards her getting the better of him.
Beckett ignored him and moved over to the empty table a few seats away from their current spot. Castle excused himself from his date and followed her over there. She wiped furiously at her eyes when she saw him, trying to hide her tears.
"What's wrong?" he asked again.
"Nothing," she mumbled as a tear dropped down onto her paperwork, causing the ink in the title to run. "Damnit."
"Beckett –"
"Oh like you don't know!" she spat, moving away from him.
Castle tried to stop her by grabbing her arm, but she shrugged him off.
"Don't touch me," she growled.
"Seriously? You're mad at me?"
"I thought that much was obvious."
"I'm the one who should be mad at you. I am mad at you."
"Why? I'm not the one parading around kissing someone I just met and going on about how good the 'lunch special' was."
"God, you are so oblivious."
"To what? Please enlighten me."
"I heard you interrogating Lopez last week."
Beckett's face grew ashen as her emotions shifted from hurt and anger to shock and fear. He knew. He knew that she knew. She opened her mouth to respond, but nothing came out. No wonder he'd been all over Megan; he was trying to make her jealous and to admit to something…something she still wasn't entirely sure about…
"Cas –"
"You've been lying to me for months, so you clearly don't feel the same way. You don't have to explain. You don't love me; I get it," he said turning to go back to their booth.
"God, Castle, where have you been? I'm not the only guilty party here."
"Excuse me?" Castle asked, worried she somehow found out about her mother's murder board.
"You told me that you loved me while I was dying. You said that when you thought you were never going to see me again. How was I supposed to react to that? It's not like you'd ever said it while I was perfectly conscious without a bullet in my chest. For all I know, you said it thinking that you would never have to deal with the aftermath."
"I didn't want you to die, Kate. How could you actually think that I would want that? I said it because I meant it and you needed to know. But since you've known, you never had the decency to tell me that you heard me."
"Oh like you're any better? You've known that I've been lying to you for a week, and instead of confronting me about it, you hook up with the first blonde you see and make immature commentary about everything…which suddenly makes sense."
"Well maybe I've just moved on."
"Bullshit," Beckett ground out through gritted teeth as her hands clenched into fists. There was no way he was giving up on her; not after everything they had been through together.
"Oh come on now, Detective Beckett, don't tell me you're jealous of Megan."
"I'm not. I was jealous of Serena…and Sophia. But Megan? I'm just plain pissed about her."
"Sophia? Really? You want to bring her up again?"
"She was your muse and you slept with her."
"That's what you're upset about? Kate, when we make love for the first time, I wanted it to be special, not just some one night stand. I actually saw a future with us."
"Why is all of that past tense? Because I lied to you?"
"Because you don't love me back!" Castle yelled at her, drawing the attention of several onlookers.
They stood staring at each other in silence. The only sound in the bar seemed to be that of their breathing.
"You're an idiot," Beckett finally spoke up. "I've had feelings for you for years. Your Derek Storm novels? They helped me get through my mother's murder, did you know that? Or how about when you invited me to go the Hamptons with you for the summer? I was coming to tell you that I'd go with you, when you showed up with your ex-wife on your arm. And according to Lanie and the boys, I have this way that I look at you, which I didn't even know that I had. But apparently neither do you."
"Then what were Josh and Demming?" Castle asked softly, refusing to believe what he was hearing after being lied to for months.
"They were nice guys. And you honestly didn't expect me to just sit around waiting for you, especially when you got back together with Gina? I was trying to move on with my life."
"That's what I'm doing now with Megan."
"No. You're not. You're just trying to hurt me like I hurt you."
Castle scrubbed a hand over his face. "You had plenty of opportunities to tell me. At my book signing when you finally decided to show up after three months, when you told me on the swings that you broke up with Josh, after the bank hostage thing, when Serena or Sophia were here making you jealous, when we were handcuffed together, hell even during that slow dance we shared at Jenny and Ryan's wedding. Or you know what, I recall asking you around the time the 3XK came up again if you had remembered anything yet. And you still told me no. Were you ever planning on telling me?"
Beckett shook her head. "No."
"Oh well, I see. Perfect."
"But Castle, I've been trying to work up the courage to tell you how I feel. Because you know what; I still don't know what we are. We still haven't talked about when we kissed or when we nearly died frozen in each others arms. And the fact that you had every single one of those moments to bring it up makes you just as guilty. Like I said, I was dying when you told me and I just have this irrational fear that you didn't really mean it. You could have just as well told me that you loved me during any of that. And you know what? I would have said it back."
"Why is it up to me to make the first move? You're the one who has to go into rooms first."
Beckett sighed, laughing a little. She could feel some of the tension draining from her neck. "I'm sorry that I didn't tell you that I knew. You have to understand that it's not because I don't feel the same way, because I do. But you know me, Castle. I'm no good with this relationship stuff. And the fact that I could finally admit to myself that I loved you scared the shit out of me."
"Why would it scare you? We could be great together, Kate. Don't you see that?"
"I do see it," Beckett responded, taking a step towards him. "And I've tried to tell you so many times I just…I chickened out."
"What are you afraid of?" Castle asked, taking a step towards her as well.
"Losing you. I've lost so much, Castle. I can't lose you too."
He moved again so that he was standing right in front of her. He reached out and cupped her cheek in his hand, wiping away a tear with the pad of his thumb. "You can't get rid of me that easily."
Beckett smiled. "Are we okay?"
"I want to say yes, but a part of me is just still so mad at you."
She sighed and dropped her gaze to floor. He lifted her chin up back up to meet her eyes.
"But you know what? I think we will be soon. Life is too short to spend it not being with the person you love."
The smile returned to her face as she added, "After all, risking our hearts is why we're alive. The last thing you want to do is look back on your life and wonder, if only."
"Oh now that's deep. Where'd you come up with that?"
"Let's just say…an old friend."