If there is anything he has learned after all this time it's that the universe is unforgiving. No matter how many times he saves it, he always loses them eventually. So many, so many. Too many. And each and every single loss is like a knife to both his hearts.
She's gone, and he feels numb. Numb knowing that he'll never see those large brown eyes full of kindness. Numb with anger toward her killer. Numb with a sadness that threatens to overwhelm him.
He's never been very good at forgiving, and he's certainly not going to now, not even with Clara's last words still etched in his mind.
''You don't be a warrior. Promise me... There will be no revenge.''
But he's watched Clara, his Clara—beautiful, wonderful, bossy, always too confident Clara—die in agony. Heard her screams. Watched her fall. Held her still body in his arms.
And he can't hold to that. He'll tear the universe apart, anything to get her back. He refuses to say goodbye. To accept this horrible situation in any way is to accept her death, and that he can't do that.
Paradoxes be damned, he'll find a way to change this. He has to.
Time passes slowly without her, empty hours full of unbearable loneliness that never leaves. And traveling begins to lose its appeal. Stars and nebulas shine less. Adventures are no fun without someone to share them with, and for him that person had been Clara.
Oh, Clara Oswald, what am I supposed to do without you?
It's the question always on his mind now. What is he supposed to do without her fire, her kindness, her habit of always knowing exactly the right words to give him hope throughout the hardest of times?
She is exactly what he needs right now, in his anger and his pain. She would make things right with only a few words and a soft smile. But without her he doesn't know how to control his actions. Rage like an uncontrolled storm fills him when he remembers how senseless her death was, how unfair. He would fight against the very universe to have her back, safe and alive.
He clings to his memories of her, to everything she's ever said. Never will he let himself forget. But who could ever forget Clara Oswald?
No matter how long it takes, he's going to do the impossible—change time to bring her back.
I'm going to change this, Clara. I will, I promise. Just you wait and see. Because you deserved better. A full life, a family, a home—all things you can't have now. I held on too tight. Foolishly let you take stupid chances and become risky when I should have let you go long ago. Let you live a normal, boring, safe human life back on earth. At least then you'd be alive.
But I couldn't let you go. And I still can't. I made a promise, I had a duty of care, and I intend to honor that.
Whatever the cost is I don't care, not if it means saving your life.