AUTHOR'S NOTE OF FRICKIN EPICNESS. READ OR PERISH.
Faithful readers, we wish to inform you that this story is strictly a no flamer zone. Take your crappish complaints somewhere else, my lovelies. This story is a result of two overactive imaginations, intense sugar levels and false pregnancy symptoms. It's also a co-write between nerdlover69 and icanreadyourmind. So BAM! Don't be dissin' mofos! Nah I'm jk I'm white as hell and I love you all 3
For those who have seen Eclipse Leah is not that ugly in this story picture a cross between Megan Fox and Kim Kardashian and I know you guys try not to get a boner lol :D WARNING THIS STORY IS RATED M FOR LANGUAGE AND LESBIANATY THEMES OF EPIC PROPORTIONS MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA O.o. So enough of this shizzzz on with the show!

Bella POV
Intro To Goddess 101

Imagine, if you will, beauty and power beyond your wildest dreams. Hot, hot lesbianity to awe and inspire masses of willing sexual victims. Yo. I… am Bella Volturi, goddess of fertility in the three known lesbian worlds. I am a member of the Volturi, gods and goddesses of these three worlds. I, along with my 6 brethren and sistren have ruled the worlds for the past 69,000 years, so BEAT THAT BITCH! To understand my story, you'll have to understand the ways of the gods and goddesses.

As long as we reign supreme over the worlds, both in power and numbers, everything is Jim Dandy. But as soon as our powers dim in comparison to our enemies, we strike back at the force and at their creator. And thus, you get a full-blown mother-truckin' apocalypse. I myself have been a force in thousands of apocalyptic battles. By the way, sorry about the Ten Plagues, only two of them were actually God's wrath, my bad. Really, the boils were an accident. I was pissed off, I was PMSing, and Aro was making fun of me, he wouldn't buy me god-size tampons, it was horrible! What would you have done, huh? Yeah, that's what I thought… bitch.

So yeah, about those powers I was talking about earlier, as the Goddess of fertility among the lesbians, I can impregnate the women I fall in love with or the women who pay homage to me in my various playboy mansions around the globe. That's right; Hugh Heffner is my son, not the oldest by any means, but still my son, my pride and joy! I have a couple thousand kids at the moment both alive and dead but none have ever been immortal. My third youngest child, at the moment, is Charlie Swan, chief of police in Forks, Washington. His wife is Renesmee Swan, nicknamed Nessie, for she is half sea-serpent.

I'm planning a trip to visit my son in Forks because Aro and I haven't been getting along lately, because he thinks, you know, being the fricken' goddess of fertility is like sooo easy, and you know what, it's not, 'cause there's so many lesbians now, and like, they don't even pray to me any more! I mean, come on, just because now you don't need a miracle, you can just get knocked up on your own without doing the dirty, I'm not important anymore! Me-dammit!

Charlie says that the residents of Forks, Washington need something to talk about. So I'm planning a visit, might knock up a few lesbians for the heck of it, stir up some gossip, you know the drill. He also says there's a coven of vampires not far from his house, but they don't eat humans, so this will be entertaining. Vampires are sooo full of themselves. Like, this bleedin wanker -yeah I'm British sometimes, so suck it!- named James thought he was God's gift to mankind, so I ripped his pee-diddle off and shanked him with a dildo, right in the jugular, just like bajam, vibrations! Then his mate Victoria came after me and I slapped her in the face with a fish that just popped into my hands, and she ran off with my dildo! I mean seriously, WTF? Do you know how much that shit costs?

So redheaded dildo-snatching vampire bitch Lestat wannabes aside, I've been doing pretty good lately. Me and Jane had a thing for a while, but she was a little bit too dark princess of evil for my taste, so now we're just friends. Aside from Aro being a douchebag, the other gods and goddesses have been pretty decent to me considering that my powers are waning because of my lack of followers lately. Aro keeps running around me with a sharp stick saying 'Haha, I have more followers than you!' and I'm just like, 'Dude, do you WANT me to impregnate you? 'Cause that whole pregnant dude thing was entirely my fault, I really thought it was a girl, and in my defense, he WAS a lady when I met him, and then he got that sex change and it was like, ah shit. Don't even wanna tell you how much hell I caught for that shit.

That's pretty much my story I guess. Everything else is either too horrible for me to mention or too unimportant. So now that me and you know each other on a personal level, I promise not to impregnate you if you promise not to piss me off, I guess I can tell you the story of my final three children and how I became supreme ruler of the three worlds. Sorry if I offend anybody with this tale, and just telling you now, if you're embarassed or grossed out by sea-monsters, gay vampires and lesbian pregnancies, either shield your eyes or don't finish reading, moron.

Authors note version 2.0
hey gives us feedback and be nice :) love you guys thanks for those who are reading and we will soon upload a playlist for this fanfic along with pictures of certain parts :) 3 :)