It's a weird little one-shot. I wanted to try something out. I love taboos.
TweekxRebecca.
My life has become a smoldering train wreck...
So much has happened, I'm not sure where exactly to start.
Let's start with Tweek Tweak. Such fond memories, how I love to reflect on the past.
He was so blatantly wonderful. One thing I remember most is that he was always smiling. He had these eyes, it reminded me of a deer's. Coffee filled pools that would light up and dart all around timidly. They were warm, inviting and always looking in my direction.
His hands, his hair, everything about this young adult screamed innocence. A good kind too. The type that seemed to stay innocent no matter what type of manipulation anyone tried to present on them.
All around he was a young soul with a good heart.
Tweek filled my emptiness that presented itself in my chest. You see, I held in all my emotions. I didn't have a chance to tell others what I felt. I was a recluse by nature. No sense of family and no friends to speak of, I was all alone.
There was an anchor hanging from my brain stem. It weighed down my organs as it traveled all the way to my belly. It would drag, weigh and droop, cutting into me with its barbed flukes.
It was painful and somehow Tweek was able to make that anchor much, much lighter.
Tweek had his problems of his own as well. The poor kid was always so anxious and paranoid. When we were alone I could hear his teeth chattering. I would watch him twitch in the love-seat, his hands grabbing and tugging on his hair or his shirt. He would always talk about gnomes and the people who were constantly watching him.
I knew everything about Tweek. I knew his whole story and inner thoughts. I knew his past and his desires from the future. There was no stone left unturned with him. I, on the other hand, didn't talk about myself often.
But, when I would start to feel my worst, he could sense it. He was very sensitive to my emotions. He would smile and interrupt me with, "If anything's wrong, just tell me Becca. I'm here for you."
I always forgot he was mentally unstable.
That's where all the bad things started to happen. It should have stopped then. Is should have put an end to such a relationship.
We were two vulnerable people sharing a small romantic relationship. It was nothing of the sexual nature. It was consoling in one another. I invited him on little play dates with me. The boy who just turned eighteen was willing to come with me where ever I whimed.
It was nice to get out of the house and enjoy someone's company. We traveled, ate out and practically did what any other couple would do.
My job consisted of listening to people every day. There was no time for me. Tweek always made sure there was time though. He was so wonderful.
I should have definitely stopped there.
I always noticed his hand brushing against mine when we were on our little dates. That little tap or the accidental brush was almost like a rush. The pecks and kisses, those too were just flirtatious gestures that we shared.
Even the way his hand fit into mine or how I would fit into his arms... It was perfect. It was absolutely perfect.
It was a crime to love him the way I do.
Before Tweek, I had Kyle, a long time lover. We shared a home and a pseudo white picket fence. It was like we were living in the 1940's. I was the typical housewife. Cooking, cleaning and anything else that needed to be done.
It's not like Kyle was unsupportive or abusive, heavens no. He was amazing, comforting and all in all, sweet as can be. Kyle just... well, he couldn't stay with me anymore.
He just left one day, packing his bags, never to return. Our once whole house became an empty shell of what was. It wasn't the house it used to be.
I just took all that hurt and swallowed it up, adding weight to the anchor. I was twenty-six and now... I'm so alone. Whatever happened to the Rebecca who graduated from that protégé university? Whatever happened to her?
It was that pain and emptiness that hurt and only made the anchor sink deeper into my innards. I was incredibly vulnerable. Then, when life was at my lowest, Tweek appeared.
...I am so sick and disgusting. I should be ashamed of myself. How could have I messed up? I was always the ever analytical one.
But...
No amount of crying or begging could fix the situation. I had to cut Tweek Tweak out like a tumor and create distance. I had to remove him from my life completely.
Hopefully, one day I can sigh and pretend like it didn't happen.
Luck never works in my favor.
And now, here he is, standing in the rain, tears and snot running down his face as he begged.
"Rebecca, please let me in?" he pleaded. "I can change, I can be better. I'll make sure I get better so we can be happy again. Please, please... Don't do this."
The damage is done to both of us. He destroyed my reputation, no... I destroyed my reputation. He jittered, grabbing my palm, his forehead pressed against the back of my hand. "I can't live without you."
"Tweek," I started lowly. "Just go home."
There I am, in my nightgown in the rain with an ex-patient.
Ex-patient.
I was a therapist for a few years and to make things short... I loved my job. I enjoyed the brain, I enjoyed psychology and most of all I loved helping people.
Then Tweek happened. I always treated my patients as family members but Tweek... He weaseled his way into my heart.
And my job turned into a game of hide and seek.
The relationship in my personal life was fine, I enjoyed it very much but in my career... I had to quit the job I liked out of fear that someone would have noticed. Out of sheer paranoia.
When these things happen, things happen in a very, very bad way. Accusations and the eyes... the prosecuting eyes.
I would have had my license torn right in front of my face and charged with some sort of sexual misconduct! I had to cover my tracks. I sent Tweek to another psychologist and retired from that position shortly after.
It was very much illegal, disgusting, unethical and I hate myself because of it.
After all that had happened, I'd been sitting at home in the dark, seated in the far corner of my futon, just wishing I'd be sucked up into the cushions.
Four weeks later, here we are. Tweek unexpectedly appeared at my door. His eyes were no longer coffee filled pools that would light up and dart all around timidly. They were dull and dead.
And it's all my fault. I had done untold damage on his psyche and for what? A little happiness?
"Don't leave me all alone. I need you. I threw everything away for you. You're my only friend and... You're the only person I've ever been close to."
"Tweek, I know what you're feeling, it's completely rational... but you need to move on from me. My supervisor-"
He glowered, encroaching closer. "I don't fucking care about what your 'supervisors' tell you. What do you feel?"
I was taken off guard.
"I'm not a kid. We're both adults. Tell me what you feel. I'll play therapist with you if I have to."
I tried to hold back this intense feeling. I wanted to jump into his arms and make-believe everything would be alright.
But it wouldn't.
I would never be.
"Tweek... I..."
He leaned into me, his now longer frame looming over mine. Not even an arm outstretched. His lips brushing against my ear. "Rebecca, tell me."
I buried my face in his chest. The smell of coffee filled my senses. "I can't."
...The anchor, it felt... Heavier.
No...
Something wasn't right.
When Tweek pulled away I noticed the claret color that stained his abdomen, his green shirt nearly maroon in color. I peered down to see the hole in my nightgown and the liquid that spilled into my hands. Like when you pierce a hole in a swimming pool and the water starts to trickle out. But, it wouldn't stop.
I could hear it and feel it as my breathing became erratic. Pain. As I glanced at my hands in shear panic I realized the color wasn't a cliched crimson. There was so much black. Is blood supposed to black?!
I felt my knees buckle as the feeling got even worse. It was this sort of pulsing feeling. Each time my heart would beat, it would trickle out even more. I looked up in horror.
"I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-" Tweek's bottom lip quivered. "You- I knew you would say that. You never loved me. I didn't want to hurt you. I couldn't let you leave me like everyone else." Tweek clutched the serrated metal in his hand.
I forgot he was mentally unstable. I always forgot.
"I'm sorry." His eyes were brimming with tears as turned from me and hurried down the sidewalk.
I laid out on my porch, unable to move in a crumpled mess. My nightgown clung to my skin as the rain poured. My hair becoming limp and hanging over my face. Maybe this was my penance. My karma. My just deserts.
I deserve this.
The rain soothed the anchor weighing in my chest until it completely disappeared. As I lay here, dying agonizingly slow, I noticed...
My life has always been a smoldering train wreck.