It has been almost one month since Steve started looking for Bucky. One month since he and Sam have been going from city to city, chasing any lead that they could find of where Bucky could have gone. As soon as he'd gotten out of the hospital, Steve had gone back near the shore where Sam, Natasha and Fury had found him unconscious. There was no doubt in his mind that Bucky had dragged him out that day, saved his life. He was sure he'd seen a hint of recognition in Bucky's eyes among all the confusion and anger. Something from the old Bucky underneath there somewhere. Whatever leads he had found were completely lost now. It's as though he had dissapeared from the face of the Earth, but that had never stopped Steve from searching before, even when Bucky's unit was captured and the chance of his survival was almost nonexistent."You just don't know when to give it up do you?" Bucky had always said. And he was right Steve would never give up, especially not on Bucky. Sam had been more patient than Steve thought anyone could be. They'd known each other for such a short amount of time and yet here he was on this journey that anyone would call childish at this point. The problem was that a week ago they had lost any solid lead that they'd had. Now the places where they searched were mostly places where Steve thought that he might have gone which was ridiculous because Bucky didn't even know his own name. But still, Steve hoped that something inside him would be drawn to places where he had once known. Places they had gone to together when they were kids, their school which was still functioning, the creepy place under the bridge that Bucky had insisted needs investigating and had become a secret hangout spot, that pub they had managed to get into and sneak drinks when they were 13 and went to frequently when they were of legal age. The first time Bucky had gotten so drunk that Steve had had to take him to his place so his parents wouldn't see him. The park they always went to where Bucky had managed to get them both dates. Although the only reason a girl agreed to double date was because all the girls wanted to be near Bucky even if they had to hang out with his skinny friend. They even went to the house that Bucky had grown up in. It had different residents now of course. In fact their entire neighborhood was unrecognizable. What had looked like a slum in their time was now a rich neighborhood. The only sign that a boy called Bucky Barnes had lived there was a sign on the building that read:
"Childhood home of Howling Commando, James Buchanan Barnes."
Steve had a similar one on his own building. A few months after he'd been "resurrected" Steve had come to Brooklyn to see what was left of his home. There wasn't much that was left and whatever was left is where he now searched for Bucky. He knew what he was doing was ridiculous but it sure beat doing nothing, which was his only other choice, and that wasn't a choice at all. Stark was keeping an eye out for Bucky at Steve's request but even he with his many connections had no information to offer.
"Lead in Mexico was no bueno. Will contact when there's news." It was the last message Steve had gotten from Stark and that was a week ago. So now all Steve had left was...well..nothing. Sam never complained, not once. Steve insisted for him to go home but he'd refused. He took every ridiculous idea that Steve had seriously and went right along with him.
Maybe it was the gloomy weather that day or the amount of guilt Steve felt for dragging Sam along with him but that particular day Steve decided he needed to go home. Home being the apartment that was partially damaged due to the attack on Fury by none other then the winter soldier, the home that Steve had never felt particularly at home in anyway. But he wanted Sam to go back to his life and honesty, Steve was exhausted. There wasn't a second ever since he'd woken up in that hospital that he didn't wonder where Bucky could have gone. In only a few days Steve had found his best friend and managed to lose him again. He's alive, he told himself and that's all that really matters. After the shock of seeing Bucky of all people trying to kill him it had finally sunk in that he was alive. He had been alive all these years but could he really call that being alive? He'd seen the file. Every time Steve thought about the things that they'd probably done to Bucky it made him sick to his stomach. Prisoners of war always went through hell, he'd seen it himself numerous conditions that they'd find them in were unthinkable. But the most terrible part, Steve thought was that empty look in their eyes when they were freed. Like something was broken inside them that could never be fixed again. If those soldiers were so broken, He couldn't even begin to imagine what they had done to Bucky to make him literally lose his own identity. He thought about the nazis and hydras that him and his commandos had taken. Greatest generation? You guys did some nasty stuff. He could here Fury's voice in his head. It was true and he couldn't deny it. All is fair in love and war. Was it really? Or was it just something that people said to help them sleep better at night? It sure never helped Steve.
I should have looked for him after he fell, Steve thought for the billionth time in the last month. Had Bucky waited for him? Had he hoped he'd be rescued? Had he felt betrayed when not one of his fellow commandos came to his rescue? Not even Steve who he had considered a brother all his life. Steve could cry just thinking about that. Letting Bucky down was one of his biggest nightmare, always had been. And he'd let him down alright. Where was he now? Was he lost? Did he have any place to stay? And the most terrifying question he could think of was did they capture him again? Or maybe he went back to them. Was hydra completely gone now? It felt too unrealistic for Steve to believe that. Bucky had recognized him, Steve was sure. What if they made him forget again? What if they killed him?
That last thought never led anywhere good so Steve did his best to push it back. He got off the couch and poured himself a glass of wine. This was pointless really, however much he drank it didn't seem to affect him. It was a birthday gift from Stark with a note saying
"Finally found something that's older than you."
It made him smile but feel envious of Tony for not only his ability to laugh in the face of life but of having the ability to get drunk. He sat back down on the couch and turned on the record player. Music was his best and only escape. It made him feel, for a few minutes at least, like he was home in Brooklyn, it was 1935 and his mom was in the kitchen making apple pie, the best pie in Brooklyn only second to Mrs. Barnes's pie. Her's was a delicacy that could not be compared to anything. Bucky always made sure to save some for Steve or bring it to his house if Steve was too sick to go. Bucky, the light hearted, cocky kid who chased after girls and got along with everyone almost and yet to everyone's surprise chose that skinny weird kid called Steve as his best friend. Bucky who was almost always smiling for no apparent reason except for the sake of it. Bucky who would sit by Steve's bedside and make jokes to distract him from his sickness. Bucky who always seemed to be happy. There were moments though, Steve remembered, when he would become serious and thoughtful and wise. Like when Steve would have an asthma attack or get beat up. He'd make a joke out of it but he'd would be angry deep down.
Steve wondered if he'd ever see Bucky smile so carelessly again. If he was being honest with himself, he hadn't seen Bucky smile like that since he left to war. When Steve had found him tied to a table in that hydra base in 42, Bucky was already changed. He'd never admit it or share it with Steve, but Steve knew. He'd smile like usual and poke fun at Steve's costume but there were moments when Steve would catch him quiet and lost in thought, staring at nothing in particular. He'd try talking to him but Bucky would brush it aside with a joke or "I'm just tired." He would stay silent for days at times and isolate himself, the same Bucky who had always liked being in the center of attention. He had trouble sleeping too after that.
It would be much worse now Steve thought. The first time he'd read the file, he had a hard time believing that it had anything to do with Bucky Barnes, that same kid he'd grown up with in Brooklyn, whose mom made the best pies in the world, the same guy he spent almost everyday of his life with doing normal things, going to school, going to the movies, talking about what they wanted to be when they grew up. When did life become so serious? When exactly did the back alley become a battlefield? Was this really happening to them? Two poor kids from Brooklyn who had the misfortune of living in a time of war.
Steve was bewildered. But then anger kicked in and he wanted more than anything to make the people who'd done this to Bucky pay. He wished Zola was alive so he could kill him himself. He knew that Bucky wouldn't be the same, even worse then during the war but he'd take traumatized Bucky over a mindless soldier any day. Whatever baggage he came with, Steve was more than ready to deal with, only if he could find him. He decided he would go back to the crash scene again tomorrow but not take Sam with him. Steve leaned back on the couch and closed his eyes. If he continued to think for another minute his head would explode. The music was still playing. 'Ancient' Natasha had called it jokingly.
It's 1938 and Steve and Bucky are setting the table. It's Christmas day and Mrs. Barnes is in the kitchen making her usual pie. She smiles at Steve, a sweet reassuring smile of "I'm glad you're here." It's the first Christmas since Steve's mom died and he was
invited to Bucky's. His family's gone but he still has Bucky. He always has Bucky. Mrs. Barnes smiles at Steve-
It's 1944 and Steve's at Bucky's doorstep with Mrs. Barnes but she's not smiling anymore. "But he was with you" she says through tears
and silent pleads. "I'm sorry" Steve thinks but doesn't find the courage to say it out loud. It's 1944 and Mrs. Barnes will never smile again.
It's1944andBucky'sgone.
It's 2014 and Bucky's eyes are empty. "Who the hell is Bucky?"
Steve wakes up abruptly to the sound of soft knocking on the door. If his hearing wasn't so sharp he wouldn't have heard it over the sound of the rain pouring outside. The record has reached it's end and is not playing anymore music. He takes the needle off and gets up to open the door. It's 2:00am and Steve wonders who it can possibly be. Who even knows that he's here? It must be Sam checking up on him. Or maybe he has news about Bucky, Steve thinks but doesn't believe himself. He walks to the door and opens it expecting to see Sam but instead finds Bucky.
Hey guys so I know that they don't really mention Steve going to Brooklyn after Bucky's death but I'm assuming in this fic he goes back for a short time to take the news to his loved one in person.