Title: What I Want
Author: indehed
Fandom: Eastenders
Pairing: Christian/Syed
Warnings/Spoilers: spoilers for the episode aired 15th July, 2011 (and all preceding)
This story portrays a canon homosexual relationship between two men.
Notes: apologies for any mistakes. is unbeta'd and written for catharsis!
Summary: extended final chryed scene from the episode dated 15th July, 2011.
"Are you sure?" Christian pulled back from the hug.
"I'm sure." Syed smiled and welcomed Christian's kiss before pulling him back into their hug. He needed this. He'd needed it all day and finally he was back in Christian's arms where he knew he belonged.
All day he'd been thinking about Christian and their lives together.
Waking up and being assailed by his mother he'd immediately known he didn't want to be in the house with her on any full time basis. He didn't feel like he should be there, he didn't feel it was where he belonged. Now it was just a place to visit but didn't feel like home. Sitting in the cafe and facing down with Roxy... he knew she cared about Christian. When she'd said about how upset he was it had torn at his heart that he'd been partly to blame for it. But it was Greg that had actually changed his train of thought from Christian to family. He'd experienced a proper, knee-jerk reaction to Greg's statement about two men raising a child. He'd immediately felt his hackles being raised and didn't agree. Before then he'd only ever felt that against his mother and father, and even himself, which he had never been sure was really what he felt, or whether he just wanted to somehow go against them.
He couldn't concentrate. Janine had dragged him aside but he had barely paid attention to her and that text from his mother. He didn't mean to ignore it, but he didn't want to have dinner with her. He was well aware of her satisfied smile in the morning and it had rubbed him the wrong way. He felt bad that it had been the final catalyst that made him want to have his life with Christian reaffirmed but it had. He'd gone running back because less than 24 hours after arguing with him, that time alone had felt like agony in his heart and he knew Christian felt the same. He knew because Roxy had said it, and he knew that Christian was lashing out because he was hurt and he knew that Christian was putting a front on around him.
He knew Christian. He knew him better than anyone, just like Christian knew Syed better than anyone else. That was the whole point.
Yes, he was being pushed to decide but maybe it was better this way. He was being faced with a choice, Christian had given him a choice, just like he had before. Christian had stepped back and told him his options. Christian wanted him to make up his mind.
He had.
He wanted his family, and to him, his family these days was Christian and anyone else that joined their little family in the future that they could love together.
As they hugged, Syed closed his eyes and held on tight. Both of them did. Both relieved to be holding each other again.
It took a while but they eventually pulled apart enough to see into each others' eyes again.
Syed could see Christian's front just falling from his eyes and they pressed their foreheads together. "I was so scared. I don't want to do it alone, Sy."
"You don't have to."
"I mean it," Christian pulled back again. "I want to be a father, but I want to be a family. I want the whole package, and that includes you."
Syed brought a hand round and lightly touched under Christian's chin. "That's what I want too. I just keep worrying that I won't be good enough, that things might go wrong, we'll make mistakes..."
"Of course we will," Christian interjected. "No parents are perfect."
"After those kids made fun of us with Amy, I panicked. I'm sorry."
"I probably could have handled it better. You know what I'm like when people annoy me."
"Yeah, I do." Syed smiled indulgently, even though the topic was so serious. "But it's something we're going to have to contend with on a regular basis. I want us to be ready for it."
Christian took a deep breath and looked away from Syed as he composed himself, contemplating Syed's words. "I know. I know there'll be days when it gets hard. I just keep telling myself it's the same for every parent. No matter what." He looked back at Syed. "Being gay doesn't have to be an issue for us. Just like the colour of our skin or your faith. If anything, we'll be able to raise our kid with an understanding that he or she can be anything they want to be. And not to judge others for who they are."
"I like that." Syed couldn't help but smile again when Christian did, but it dropped as he screwed his eyes up. "I'll be honest, I think I was jealous, too."
"Of who?"
"Of anyone else you would love that much?" Syed shrugged. "This past year with you has been the best of my life. I guess I just wasn't ready for it to change."
"I love you. You're it for me, you know that. Any addition to the family is a bonus."
It didn't matter that they were still holding each other in the doorway of their new flat. He pulled Christian's chin forward and kissed him again. This time their kiss was deeper, expressing more longing for their future together and happiness that they'd be able to help each other through everything to come.
Christian's hand rubbed up and down Syed's back soothingly and then clutched again to the back of his next.
And in the next instant, they heard Christian's name being shouted.
"Christian, no, come on!"
They pulled back automatically, and Syed turned his head to see Roxy standing there, her face like thunder.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"What does it look like? We're making up." Christian said.
"No, no, no... Christian we talked about this... you're moving on." Roxy came up to stand beside them, her hand on Christian's arm trying to pull him back.
"We're moving on together," Syed glared at her. "People argue, and then they discuss things and work them out. It's what grown ups do."
"Yeah? Is it grown up to keep playing with Christian and changing your mind all the time?" She shot back.
"Roxy, please. It wasn't about that," Christian put in.
She threw her hands up in annoyance and stomped into the flat and they could hear her bracelets rattle as she dumped her purse on the table.
"Maybe I should talk to her," Syed said. He wasn't happy about it but he probably should.
"You don't have to. She just automatically comes out fighting my corner, you know how she gets."
"I know. Just give me a minute with her." He kissed Christian lightly again and pulled away.
He left Christian behind as he pushed the door open to see the boxes lying around on every surface. It would take them a while to unpack and sort themselves out but it could be a fun few weeks... and stressful.
Roxy was standing there, one hand propped on the table, the other on her hip and she kept her icy glare on him. "All back on then? Like nothing ever happened?"
"No, we've started discussing the issues and we'll work them through."
"You've got him wrapped around your little finger. You always did. Everything he does is for you. He sorted out the flat, he talked to your mother and actually got through to her, all for you. Then you threw it back in his face."
Syed pulled a chair up and sat down, urging her to do the same. "I didn't mean to. I'd just spoken to my dad. Things in my head were a mess. I just needed some time to take it all in."
"You should have done that months ago."
"I thought I had. Then suddenly I just..." He trailed off, looking at her, hoping she'd understand.
"He loves you."
"And I love him."
"You've got a funny way of showing it."
"And giving me a choice of 'a baby with him or nothing at all' is love?"
"Oh, please, like he was ever going to properly follow through on that, it was the anger and the hurt talking!"
"That was all you wasn't it. Pushing him on like that?" Roxy stayed silent. She didn't need to say 'yes' as Syed could see the answer clearly on her face. "Well, you're right. Kind of. But I guess I needed the push to make myself properly see what I want."
"You can't run from this, Syed. He wants a family with you. He wants to marry you. Something I thought you wanted too but going by all this secrecy..."
"I'm going to tell my parents. I want them to hear it from me, that's all."
"When?"
"I need to get them together. It's been difficult, what with them separated and not speaking," he said pointedly.
"Fine." Roxy sighed and rolled her eyes. She then leaned forward, her elbows on the table. "If you say right now that you want Christian and a proper family then that's it, there's no going back. And if you don't mean it, you'll just break his heart worse later on, not to mention a child's too, if you end up running out on them."
"I know." Syed stressed. He'd had all day to think about it. He knew what he was doing. Finally.
"Okay, then." Roxy nodded. She seemed happier but her face still looked miffed.
Christian appeared at the door, leaning on the frame, holding the box Syed had brought with him. There was little doubt that he'd heard their entire conversation. "Rox, how about cutting Sy some slack. For me," he said as he put the box down.
"Fine. Fine, just... I hate seeing you depressed over him. There was enough of that last year, you're supposed to be over all that now."
Christian smiled at her and then leaned down to where she was sat and hugged around the back of her shoulders, kissing her cheek before standing.
Roxy pushed away from the table, seat screeching slightly on the floor as it moved back and she stood, taking in her surroundings. "Come on, then. This place needs some serious work done to it."
Syed stood as well, moving closer to Christian and putting his arm around him. "How about you take off. We can take care of everything here."
"But I promised," Roxy said.
"Sy's right. Go spend time with Amy, we can cope fine on our own."
"Are you sure?"
"It's our place," Syed started. "It feels right to do this together. Besides... once we've got a sweat on, I don't think you'd want to be around us."
Roxy picked up her purse from the table and held her hands up in surrender. "Okay, that's more than I needed to know right now. I'm going."
She kissed Christian on both cheeks and touched Syed's arm and gave him a small smile before she headed off, shouting 'happy unpacking!' to them as she left.
Syed turned to Christian, his eyes widening as he gestured to the array of boxes around them. "Where on Earth do we even start?"
Christian chewed on his lip for a moment then said, "Bedroom?"
Syed smiled as he watched Christian's grin turn more feral. "I did always like the way you think."
Syed held a hand out for Christian to grab hold of and soon he found himself pulled into Christian's arms, and in that moment he felt the contentment he always did when like this with Christian. As their lips met, Syed felt he could do this forever. And they better do a lot more of it now before a kid came along...