You're a fucking joke. Not the most pleasant thought to be woken up by, it must be said. The whole team's ashamed of you, they only keep you on out of pity. Nevertheless, it was the first thought in Beast Boy's head as he woke that morning, morning in this case meaning 'there's still ten minutes til noon'. I mean, it's not like you bring much to the table.
Beast Boy blinked the sleep from his eyes, looked up at the clock, and rolled himself out of bed. Robin's basically a ninja, so they don't need your smaller forms for stealth. After a quick trip to the bathroom and a check to make sure he'd remembered to put a shirt on, he was just about ready to face what remained of the day. Cyborg and Starfire have you outclassed for raw power.
As he lurched out the door and towards the kitchen, he heard the drone of conversation. They're talking about you behind your back! He paused at the door, taking a moment to slip into a lazy grin, and strolled into the room.
"Wassup dudes?" He asked cheerfully, strolling into the kitchen and grabbing a box of cereal. Really? 'Wassup dudes'? Loser.
"Not much, Grass Stain." Cyborg replied. "Rob was gonna chew you out for sleeping in so long until Star talked him out of it." See? Robin's sick of your shit, he'll be kicking you off the team any day now.
"I guess that's one I owe her." Beast Boy chuckled, pouring himself a glass of orange juice. Try fifty. "Anything else?"
"Well, Raven's started reading a new book." Cyborg offered jokingly.
"Do tell!" Beast boy exclaimed, treating the information as though it were some juicy piece of gossip.
"Well…" Cyborg looked around shiftily for a moment before leaning in towards Beast Boy. "I'm pretty sure it's a modern fantasy novel!" He hissed conspiratorially.
"How bold!" The changeling snickered, doing his best to look scandalised. "And the name?"
"Good Omens." Cyborg replied simply.
"Good Omens…" Beast Boy murmured disbelievingly. "By Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett?" Not a chance! There's no way that Raven's reading something you've actually read. She's smart, you're dumb; had you forgotten?
"I think so," Cyborg confirmed. "Why?" A coincidence, nothing more.
"I've actually read that one." Beast Boy muttered, grinning hugely. "Raven's reading a book that I read first!" Doesn't matter. Still an idiot. "For once, I can start a conversation about something she's interested in, and I'll know more about it than her!" He rubbed his hands together deviously. "This is gonna be great!"
"Yeah, well a word of advice, B." Cyborg wrinkled his nose. "Brush your teeth first, you got some nasty morning breath!" You disgusting animal.
As he brushed his teeth, Beast Boy found himself studying his own reflection. It was unlikely that any of his friends would find this behaviour surprising, considering the fact that he had something of a reputation for vanity. What they would have found surprising was the way his brow furrowed and the corners of his mouth turned down. Jesus, what a mess! The fangs, the skin… the ears! You really got hit with the ugly stick, huh? He put his toothbrush away, idly noting that it had been torn up by his fangs, and left the bathroom. What, running from the mirror? Can't say I blame you.
"Hey there Rae." He said cheerfully, approaching the couch.
"Hey Beast Boy." Raven replied without looking up from her book.
"Good book?" He asked, grinning like an idiot.
"Exceptionally so." Raven replied, her eyes never leaving the page.
"So who do you like better," Beast Boy began. "Azriphale or Croweley?" He positively revelled in the look on Raven's face as she turned to face him.
"...Croweley." Raven answered after a moment.
"Yeah, I can see that." Beast Boy nodded. "A demon who goes against his supposed place in the cosmic order and saves the world? Makes sense you'd like him."
"So you've read it." Raven stated bluntly.
"Three times." He replied. "Six if you count audiobooks."
"So who do you like better?" Raven asked.
"Well, I-" The alarm sounded. "Will have to pick this conversation up later." He finished, running to the elevator and cursing his bad luck. It's what you deserve.
It was Control Freak. Of all the villains it could have been, it was Control Freak. Attacking a comic book store, because of course he was. "Sell my preordered comics while I'm in prison, will you?" He ranted, firing his remote at basically every figurine, poster and cardboard cutout in the store. "I'll show you, I'll show you all!"
"Your payment was declined!" The helpless cashier wailed. "Your accounts were frozen when they locked you up!"
"Great," Raven deadpanned. "An angry, entitled nerd. Just what I wanted to deal with today."
"I wonder what he preordered." Beast Boy mused. Probably all the same stuff you read, since you're both totally pathetic.
"Well, if it isn't the Teen Titans." Control Freak sneered, "Come to stop me have you?"
"Give it up, Control Freak!" Robin exclaimed. "If you surrender now, nobody gets hurt."
"Why would I surrender?" Control Freak giggled. "After all, I'm in my element here!" And with that, A wave of comic, movie, anime and game characters surged forward to attack. Robin found himself caught up in a brawl with Spike Speigel while Starfire engaged in an aerial battle with Iron Man. Cyborg and Raven were back to back fighting Link (as in, every single version of Link), and Beast Boy found himself face-to-face with a man wearing a dark coat and a tricorn hat, wielding a bizarre oversized saw.
"Are you kidding?" Beast Boy chuckled, ducking and weaving around his assailant's attacks. "You sent Johnny Bloodborne after me?" With that, he struck the nameless character from the box art of Bloodborne in the stomach before leaping back. "Dude, I platinumed this game ages ago!" Are you seriously bragging about that? Lame. He transformed into a wolf, ducking under a heavy attack and exploiting the opening it created to devastating effect. A few repetitions of this pattern of dodge and strike left his opponent on the verge of defeat; he just needed to get one more shot in and- Take the hit.
Raven was in a bad mood; she'd had a pleasant conversation interrupted, discovered that Control Freak was to blame, and was currently being attacked by a swarm of blonde elves, all of whom insisted on grunting ans screaming loudly and incoherently as they fought. "How many of these are there?" She asked Cyborg as she sliced one in half with a blade of telekinetic force.
"Legend of Zelda is a long-lived and influential franchise!" Cyborg replied, blasting an especially small and cartoony-looking one.
"Meaning?" Raven demanded.
"Meaning there's a lot of 'em!" Cyborg exclaimed.
"Great." Raven scowled, throwing up a barrier just in time to deflect a sword aimed at her stomach. "Well, it shouldn't be much longer until one of the others can back us up, so let's just-" She fell silent, her empathic sense warning her that something was very wrong. "Beast Boy's aura feels weird, what's happening?"
"Oh crap!" Control Freak squealed, his voice nearly an octave higher than usual, as he pointed in apparent horror at Beast Boy. Beast Boy lying in a pool of his own blood. With a giant saw stuck in his shoulder.
"What did you do to him?!" Raven demanded, a wave of shadows tearing through their foes and throwing Control Freak against the wall.
"He was supposed to dodge it!" Control Freak shrieked, his aura radiating blind panic and… sadness? "He dodges it, then he beats it! Then you guys beat me, I go to jail, and nobody gets hurt!" His eyes began to tear up. "He wasn't supposed to get hurt!" The fat, scruffy nerd blubbered inelegantly. "It's no fun like this!"
"Fun?" Raven demanded. "You think this is a game?! Beast Boy is dead!" She screeched.
"Not yet he ain't!" Cyborg called out. "So how 'bout you get your butt over here and heal him?"
"What's the damage?" She asked, at Beast Boy's side in an instant.
"Punctured lung, blood loss, broken collarbone and ribs, torn muscles." Cyborg answered with clinical precision. "Think you can handle it?"
"Easily." Raven replied, more confidently than she actually felt. "Azarath Metrion Zinthos!" She intoned, setting about mending the damage done to Beast Boy's ruined frame.
"Is there, uh, anything I can do to help?" Control Freak asked, his voice little more than a squeak.
"You want to help?" Robin scoffed. "Haven't you done enough?"
"Can you make some kind of healer?" Cyborg asked pragmatically, more interested in saving his best friend's life than in recrimination.
"Just give me a minute, okay?" And with that, Control Freak dashed off into some other corner of the store.
A moment later, a middle-aged man dressed like Doctor Frankenstein rushed over, carrying a device that looked for all the world like a cannon.
"Is zis mein patient?" He demanded, his voice carrying a thick German accent.
"Great," Raven sighed. "A mad scientist. And with that accent, and how unsubtle game designers are, he's probably a Nazi."
"I am no such thing!" He replied sternly.
"There's actually evidence to suggest that the Medic is Jewish." Control Freak interjected.
"Okay, fine, but how is he useful here?" Raven demanded.
"Step aside und I will demonstrate, frauline." The Medic replied curtly leveling his weapon (?) at Beast Boy and firing a strange red beam. Raven lunged forward at the sight of this, only to be held back by Cyborg.
"It's not a weapon." Cyborg reassured her. "Technically it's the opposite." And indeed, Beast Boy's wounds began to heal, although far too slowly for Raven's liking.
"My remote can't replicate his abilities perfectly." Control Freak offered in response to Raven's glare. "It produces a weaker version of any power that isn't purely physical."
"It'll do." Raven replied blankly, returning to the business of mending Beast Boy's injuries and, if she was being honest to herself, trying not to freak out. It was bad; the combination of a punctured lung and massive blood loss were a recipe for hypoxia, and honestly his lung wasn't so much punctured as it was carved. The shattered collarbone and shredded muscles only served to complicate things, and it occurred to Raven, not for the first time, that out of all of them, Beast Boy seemed to be the one who ended up getting hurt the most, which struck her as vaguely unfair.
I mean, it's not like his life before the Titans was sunshine and rainbows; can't the universe cut him a break? Can't it cut any of us a break? Nevertheless, Raven set about dealing with the hand that had been dealt, repairing Beast Boy's lung and replenishing his blood. She felt her strength begin to fade just in time for the Medic to blink out of existence, to her considerable annoyance.
"They don't last forever." Control Freak offered by way of explanation. "And using an ability like that really eats into their lifespan."
"Good to know." Robin remarked dryly.
"Oh crap, I shouldn't have told you about that." Control Freak muttered.
"Ughhh…" Beast Boy moaned, his eyelids fluttering open.
"He's conscious!" Raven called out.
"What happened?" Beast Boy asked groggily, hie head swimming.
"You nearly got yourself killed by some Hot Topic lookin' piece of crap is what happened." Cyborg answered bluntly.
"Oh," Beast Boy sighed, his memories returning quickly. "Right." What the hell is wrong with you? Look how exhausted Raven is from keeping your dumb ass alive.
"Hey, uh… guys?" Control Freak mumbled awkwardly. "This whole thing kind of freaked me out so, uh, could you just kinda, y'know, arrest me?"
"Wait, you want us to arrest you?" Beast Boy asked incredulously.
"Dude, you nearly died!" Control Freak exclaimed. "That was seriously messed up!" Great, now even Control Freak is taking pity on you.
"Why do you care what happens to me?" Beat Boy demanded.
"Hey man, I do robberies and consequence-free mayhem!" Control Freak replied, somewhat indignantly in Beast Boy's opinion. "I don't kill people!"
"Discussions of Control Freak's relative morality can wait," Robin said firmly, cuffing the obese villain. "Right now we need to get him into custody and start on the paperwork. And after that," He shot Beast Boy a Look. "We need to talk." Welp, you're boned.