The Legend of Shrek
By Adam aka Daddy
There was once a big beautiful green ogre who lived in the most blessed swamp there ever was. It was not uncommon for this ogre to yell "What are you doing in my swamp!" at the top of his lungs when someone uninvitedly entered his premises. The ogre's name was Shrek. For many mortals, Shrek was seen as god, thus the Holy Church of Shrek was created around 2000 BC. The bible mistakenly names this savior, Jesus, although their real name was Shrek.
One day, Lord Shrek was just hanging out in his swamp, doing whatever ogres do in their spare time, when a bunch of college guys entered his swamp. Their names were Miguel, Liam, Adam, Grant, Connor and Andrew. Shrek could sense their loyalty to him and immediately jumped out of his glorious swamp and bellowed, "WELCOME TO MY SWAMP!" Adam and Miguel, who were devote followers of Shrek and often worshiped him, presented Shrek with two big ripe onions. Shrek was so happy that he gave both of them big meaty hugs. Shrek looked at the rest of the guys and demanded a tithing to his majesty and lord. Connor handed over a Ting Tao beer, Liam gave his headphones, Grant offered his switch with Shrek super smash, and Andrew offered his vape. Shrek was so pleased to receive such meaningful gifts. Liam looked at Adam and remarked, "You think I'm getting those back?" Adam replied, "I am not sure but since they are still connected to your phone, go ahead and play All Star by Smash Mouth." Liam did just this and the moment the tune started to play, Shrek's big luminous ogre eyes lit up with joy. He started singing in his loud ogre voice. The singing of All Star was so beautiful that all of the boys cried with joy and sang along. Shrek then pointed to the sky and picked up everyone. He yelled "LETS GO TO THE MOON!" His ogre boosters ignited like Apollo 11 and he took off at mach 8. Once they reached the moon, Shrek put the boys down. "How can we breathe here?" Connor asked with a puzzled look on his face. "I granted you with special ogre powers! You can breathe anywhere, even under water!" Shrek replied cheerily. Adam and Miguel were unrolling a giant picture of Mao that they brought with them. "There we go! That looks good!" Yelled Miguel while doing a twirl. "It is so beautiful! Our other lord and savior, MAOO!" Adam yelled. Shrek was also a huge fan of Mao, in fact during the cultural revolution, Shrek served as a key component to the economic stability as he supplied thousands of onions to the poor villagers during times of famine. Andrew was sitting on a moon rock, vaping his vape like a vape lord, when Shrek offered swamp juice flavor. Andrew tried the swamp juice flavor and to his surprise, loved it. He told Shrek, "Wow, this is amazing! What is in this?" Shrek replied, "ONION JUICE AND SWAMP WATER OF COURSE!" Andrew did a dab in satisfaction.
Connor asked Shrek if he could nuke North Korea. "OF COURSE, WE CAN!" Shrek replied as he pulled a large shiny B83 from who knows where and threw it down to Earth, at North Korea. "Jesus Christ!" Adam said. "You just wiped a country off the face of the Earth!" Connor said and then laughed.
That's it for Chapter one readers, okay? So if you wanna hear more about Shrek's adventures with the dudes, lemme know. Remember to worship Lord Shrek 5 times a day and place an onion under your bed when you sleep.