Session One

A/N: Hello there! Before we kick things off, I would like to mention that I wrote this over two years ago. While I was recently writting chapter 6 of my other fic Testosterone, Tampons, and Teammates I made a reference to this. That lead me to remember about this long forgotten little story. After some debate on wether to spoof it up or trash it, I said 'what the hell' and published it as is. Though I'm not sure on the matter, I like to think my writting has improved since way back when, but you can be the judge of that. Regardless, I present to you Therapy with Ibiki.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto...and everyone is so lucky I don't. ;D

Uchiha Sasuke was finally home. He was done throwing tantrums and ready to let bygones be bygones. Sadly, there was still a long bumpy road ahead until he was home free. Months of painful recovery monitored by his annoying teammate, half a year in prison where he didn't even use soap in the fear that he would drop it, and numerous trials before the decrepit old geezers had all come down to this one moment. Uchiha Sasuke was free.

Well more or less. He had still been sentenced to house arrest where he'd be monitored by anbu and only allowed weekly outings. Then there was also the probation inhibiting him, which meant he couldn't even whack the dobe without landing his ass back in prison; a fate most dreaded by his pretty boy self. Besides the no violence restriction, he wasn't even allowed to partake in any shinobi activities. No missions, no training, no chakra. Hell, they probably wouldn't even allow him to do yoga…Not that he would do such a thing…

All things considered, it would be absolute torture he decided as the buzzed Hokage slurred the limitations to his freedom. Despite the harsh, in his opinion at least, penalties, he was more than willing to endure the hell that was sure to come. He finally found home and he would do anything to stay. Even if it meant weekly therapy sessions with Ibiki.

Ibiki was a tall, imposing man who had made himself a reputation as a sadistic, merciless monster. His idea of fun consisted of making the shinobi world's toughest bad asses cry. He took candy from babies, kicked puppies, and laughed at kittens stuck in trees. He was one hardcore bastard.

So why was he, the heartless interrogator feared by all, assigned as the therapist to the thoroughly traumatized Uchiha? To say the least, he was baffled. Did he look like a big softie who liked to listen to other people bitch and moan? Sure, he could make the Uchiha brat talk, but he's sure it wouldn't be a therapeutic experience. Maybe for Ibiki, but the boy? The child had suffered enough with the slaughtering of his clan, the betrayal of his brother, and Kami only knows what that flaming pedophile, Orochimaru, did to the boy.

Tsunade must be suffering significant brain damage from those years of alcohol abuse, he diagnosed. For her to think in the slightest that he and the village traitor were going to be able to civilly chat, she must have fallen off her rocker. Possible insanity and insobriety aside, she was his hokage still, which pretty much equated to him being her little bitch. He had to follow her every command, no matter how outrageous and booze influenced they were.

And that's how Ibiki found himself spending an hour alone with Uchiha Sasuke. Said Uchiha sat across from him in the small storage closet that served as their consultation room. The room had clearly undergone a makeover as it was now furnished with bean bags, a shag rug, and many scented candles. Incense burned thickly and the 'comforting' sounds of running water blared on a stereo. Surrounding them on the walls were framed pictures of flowers and people smiling, which had obviously came with the frames that were purchased. They even had an ice chest fully stocked with water bottles and yogurt, much to the great horror of both men. As if that wasn't enough of an insult already, the two tough shinobi were bombarded by floral printed throw pillows and surrounded by tissue boxes and lotion bottles. If the boy burst into tears, Ibiki was sure he would snap and slap the boy silly. And what was the lotion for? He would have the same reaction if the answer was for a massage…well it depended on who it was for…

Despite the personal effects and remodeling efforts, there was no disguising that the room had previously been the janitor's domain. The smell of dust was still evident, even though the flowery and fruity candles did well to overpower it. It was with much sarcasm that Ibiki surmised that Tsunade had done a spectacular job. Stuffing an interrogator and former missing nin into a closet that was cluttered by girly crap and expecting positive results; crazy ass drunk.

The two men had a stare down, both waiting for the other to crack. Ibiki had won the little match as Sasuke had grown tired at staring at the former's butt ugly face. Sighing, Ibiki started off on what was sure to be an awkward session.

"How are you feeling today?" he said remembering it to be from his list of required questions to ask.

"Hn."

Ibiki nodded and went to right the response down in his handy, dandy little notebook. "And how do you spell that?"

"Hn," the boy only grunted again, leaving Ibiki to guess.

"Have you had any suicidal thoughts in the past 24 hours?" Ibiki continued, secretly praying for a yes so they'd throw his vengeful ass in a padded cell and put him on suicide watch.

Sasuke snorted at this, dismissing the query all together and dashing Ibiki's hopes.

"Is there anything you would like to talk to me about?" Ibiki attempted to be less intimidating.

His 'patient' only proceeded to scoff which was shortly followed by more tense silence. Ibiki was left alone with his murderous thoughts and couldn't help but to think that Tsunade had been wrong to prohibit his usual, more effective methods. The Uchiha would be giving him his autobiography no doubt; sob story and all. But no; he wasn't even allowed to make scary faces.

Looking at his wrist watch, he did the equivalent of him dancing in happiness by smirking. "Okay that concludes our session for today. Now scram."

The boy nodded and strolled out of the small room leaving behind a butt impression on the psychedelic bean bag he had sat upon. Ibiki glared at the ass shaped contour and the sorry ass responsible. His contempt quickly switched to the stereo that was now playing the sounds of crickets chirping, which was cut off violently with a jab of his finger.

"How was it Sasuke-kun?" Ibiki heard the voice of the pink haired medic question from a distance.

"They stuffed me in a closet with scar face. How do you think it went?" Ibiki would have fallen from his bean bag had he not been engulfed in it. The nerve of that little punk!

"Heh," the obnoxiously loud reply of the kyuubi container cut in, "I thought you liked closets since you've been in one your whole life!"

Ibiki knew there was a reason he had passed that brainless idiot.

After some more nonsensical bickering, the young shinobi vacated the area unaware of the gruff man stuck in a bean bag and vehemently cursing the lot of them. Only moments later, the copy-cat nin appeared, had a good laugh, and then just as quickly vanished. Way past pissed off, Ibiki began to plot the systematic downfall of Team 7.

/Fin/

Author's Note: I'm sorry if I offended anyone! As I mentioned previously, I wrote this little piece over two years ago way before I had an account or the courage to let others view my horrific writtings. On the off chance anyone likes this, I will happily continue. If not...I'll probably just leave it as it is. Any further chapters of this would be notably better I hope though. *shameless bribing*

I would like to bring the entirety of Team Seven in for a group session; that would be very interesting. And I also have lots of other little ideas that are nagging me. But then again, I also have other fics that need tending too, so I'll have to see.

All that aside, what did you think? Was it noble peace prize worthy or are you currently wishing for one of those memory erasing pens off of Men in Black? Either way, please let me know by reviewing, faving, or alerting, because it would really make my day. You don't need an account and even a simple smilie or frownie face will have me beaming with happiness. Thanks for reading and have a great day! ;D