Roses Are Red, Violets Are Blue.
I've never had any problems when it comes to picking up the ladies. In fact, they seem to almost flock to me. No matter where I set up shop they appear in what seem to be desperate hordes. Given this, most people would think I am the master of seduction. However, when it comes to one certain guy I'm absolutely hopeless. My childhood best-friend and recent gay crush Aoba Seragaki.
I didn't always know that I liked Aoba. It developed over time. Then again, I was practically forced 'out of the closet' when I saw Noiz kiss Aoba that one time. All I could think was, 'damn, I wish I was the one kissing those lips.' I soon realised that probably meant I liked men.
So, you may be asking, how can you, Koujaku the master of picking up women, be having trouble picking up one guy? The answer is, I have no idea. He just makes me so god damn nervous and giddy!
So, tonight, I'm going to practise my super secret pick-up techniques in my mirror. It's not a large leap but it must be at least a small step towards my goal. I pulled out the old cassette player from the cupboard and sat it on my beside table. I put in the tape I made when I was eleven named 'Aoba Beats' and hit the play button. Ah yes, track one was always my favourite. The saxophones sound awesome.
I slick my hair back and nod to myself in the mirror. Time to enter pick-up mode. I slip on a pair of black sunglasses and stare back at my reflection trying picture myself with long blue hair.
"Hey Aoba" I whisper in the most seductive tone I can muster, "you come to Midorijima often? Then again, how could I miss someone as beautiful as you. Now, how about a kiss?" I pull off the glasses in one swift movement and wink at myself. God I can be sexy.
"What are you doing?" I turn around and see Beni staring at me suspiciously. I don't care if his expression can't change I swear he's judging me. Did he just see what I think he saw?
"B-Beni!" I stutter. This is bad, really bad.
"Are you fantasising about Aoba?" Well, I personally wouldn't call it fantasising, more, 'imaging myself and Aoba making passionate love to one another.' Okay, maybe that is fantasising a little but still he didn't have to say it like that. What should I do? I guess I can't really deny it, I mean, he saw me wink at the mirror. I try to calm my nerves by taking a deep breath.
"Y-yeah" I manage to choke out. He flies over to me and perches on my shoulder.
"I thought you were straight" he simply states as if my sexuality is just something we talk about all the time.
"Yeah, I thought I was too! But, have you seen that guy's butt!?" I exclaimed. Okay, maybe that isn't the only reason I like Aoba but it definitely helps.
"I am a robot bird so I don't spend as much time staring at Aoba in the perverted way you do but I would imagine he is physically well endowed from what you do when your door is closed at night..." Beni said, with what I swear is a hint of smugness in his voice.
"Don't talk about that!" How dare he talk about Koujaku's Kinky Friday's in public! Also, how does he know about that? I thought I put him into sleep mode? I need to be more careful from now on...
"Why don't you just ask some of those other guys Aoba hangs around with? They could probably help you. Well... at least some of them might?" Beni suggested. You know what? Beni's right. I can just ask some of those guys for help. I mean there's Clear, that brat Noiz, Mink... those weird guys who look like twins... his dog.
Okay, okay, maybe I won't ask them for help. Besides, I can't have them knowing my material. They could steal it! I guess I am going to have to swallow my pride and ask someone for help though.
I opened up the contact list on my coil and browsed through the names looking for someone, anyone, would could help me out. As I got down to the letter 'M' I saw the name of my could be saviour. Of course, Mizuki! Why didn't I think of him before? He's sensible and probably knows more about this stuff than any of those others guys. I excitedly tapped on his name and watched the screen as the phone rang. After a few moments, he answered the call.
I stopped at the front steps of Black Needle with an anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach. I still haven't told Mizuki about exactly why I wanted to see him. All I told him was that I needed to talk about Aoba. When he heard that he immediately invited me over to his shop. I really am grateful that I have such a considerate friend like Mizuki. Despite how kind he's been I still feel nervous about talking to him. I mean, he doesn't know I like Aoba. I know Mizuki isn't the type to judge me based on that but I still can't help but be nervous. I try to calm myself down and walk into the building.
"Hey Koujaku, good to see you!" I hear Mizuki call. He stands up from his seat and walks over to greet me.
"Long time no see Mizuki. How have you been? Thank you inviting me over tonight" I reply.
"It's no problem at all, I like having people at the shop" he says cheerfully, but soon, his smile falters slightly, "You said you needed to talk about something about Aoba right? Did something happen?"
"That's part of the problem. Nothing's happening with Aoba!" I say with a sigh.
"What do you mean?"
"I know this is going to sound weird but... I really like Aoba. Not like how you like a song but like like. Do you know what I mean?" l tried to explain my feelings but somehow it ended up somewhat rushed and kinda embarrassing. I open my mouth to explain myself when Mizuki bursts out laughing.
"Oh my god Koujaku! I can't believe it took you this long to admit it! You're really amazing you know that? Especially that whole 'I like like' Aoba bit! That's something a third grader would say!" he exclaimed through bursts of laughter.
"This is serious Mizuki! I came here to ask for your help! I need to know how I can uh... make Aoba like like me too." Mizuki's laughter died down a little but it was obvious he was trying as hard as he could not to have another fit.
"Alright, alright. I'll try to help you out here. So want to seduce Aoba huh?"
"Don't use the word 'seduce'! It's too embarrassing."
"Fine, it's better than like like though. The first thing we need to do then is come up with a plan. The problem is Aoba's pretty dense when it comes to that sort of thing. I mean, not that the guy hasn't had any experience or anything. I mean, when you were away from the island Aoba -" he said.
"Don't say any more about Aoba while I was gone! I don't want to know!"
"Okay, calm down! Now let's see... how to seduce, I mean, get Aoba to like like you. Hmm..." he mumbled to himself. He pondered over this for a few moments before his face lit up.
"Ah, that's right! Let's just look it up on the internet!"
"On the internet?"
"Yeah. I'm sure we can find something on there to help us out. One time I found this great article it helped me out a lot!" Mizuki opened his coil and began to type into the web browser.
Mizuki's probably right, there's gotta be something on the internet to help me out.
Okay, today's the day Koujaku. You've cried, laughed and embarrassed yourself all for this moment. I have the knowledge now, I can do this.
I took a deep breath and knocked on Aoba's front door. I gotta try and keep it together. I can't let myself or Mizuki down. We stayed up till four o'clock in the morning after all. God that was depressing. Maybe I should buy him something to thank him for his help? But what does Mizuki like anyway? Tattoos? Rib?
"Koujaku are you even listening to me? Hey, hippo!" I was so busy thinking I didn't even notice Aoba open the door. This is not a good way to start the plan.
"Oh, sorry Aoba. I just spaced out there for a second." Now is my chance to lay down the moves. Booty_Chaserxxx69 said it's best to start out by complementing your target. With a name like that he must know what he's talking about.
"I guess it's alright. Anyway, granny's out for the night so she left us some doughnuts for dinner."
"You look very uh... artistic tonight Aoba." Okay that was bad. That was really, really bad.
"I look... artistic?"
"Y-Yeah! You know like the Mona Lisa or The Starry Night! I mean, you look very uh captivating like those paintings do! Yeah huh, that's right."
"Koujaku, are you feeling okay?" Okay, so maybe I'm not as smooth as I think I am. Come on Koujaku, channel some of what you learned last night. Mizuki and you didn't wear those heels for nothing!
"Yeah I'm totally fine! Anyway, let's go inside and have some of those doughnuts!" I sputter. Aoba simply nods in confusion and I follow him inside. I just need to think about the situation more clearly. If worse comes to worse I can just call Mizuki and ask for advice after all. Right?
We sit down at the table at opposite ends from each other. This probably isn't a good sign. As Aoba uncovers the doughnuts I can feel how tense the room is. I just need to break the ice that's all? BootyChaserxxx69 says the best way to lighten the mood is with a joke.
"Hey, Aoba!" I say confidently. Pretend you're looking in the mirror Koujaku. Mirror you is so sly and sexy.
"Yeah?"
"Why did the elephants get kicked out of the public pool?"
"Umm...because they were elephants and they were in a public pool?"
"Well, no. Because they kept dropping their trunks!" I began to laugh but Aoba only stared at me blankly. Okay maybe that joke wasn't that funny. Mizuki and I seemed to enjoy it last night though...
"Koujaku, are you really sure you're feeling okay? You're acting really strange" Aoba aks. His worried face, those concerned eyes; it's really all too much. He's just so god damn cute.
"Y-Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just gonna run to the bathroom quickly, I'll be back" I say shakily. Aoba opens his mouth to speak but soon casts his gaze to the side. I'm really such an idiot. I make my escape to the bathroom and start up my coil. I instantly press on Mizuki's name and anxiously wait for him to pick up.
"Heeeeeey, Koujaku, buddy! What's the happening? Oh man, last night was greeeeat. You know with the flirting and the advice and oh man, what a wild ride!" came the Rib leader's slurred voice.
"Mizuki? Are you drunk?" I ask. It's only two o'clock in the afternoon!
"Umm... let me check", faint crackling can be heard before he returns, "Yeah, I am."
"Why are you drunk!?"
"Well, you know, every since last night I've started thinking about stuff. Like, I'm so lonely man. You have Aoba and everybody else has someone except me! I'm just so lonely!" He begins to break down into sobs and the sound of liquid being poured into a glass is heard.
"Okay, okay, just put down the alcohol Mizuki. I think you've had enough."
"No I have not! But you know what I haven't had enough of? Love man! You know why I wear so many studs? Because I am a stud! But, I still can't even pick up one person!" he wails. This is getting ugly really fast.
"Uh, there there Mizuki. Everything's going to be okay." I try to comfort him but judging by the intense sobs I still hear I doubt it's working.
"I'm done with you Koujaku! I'm hanging up!" he yells. The phone call suddenly ends and I'm left staring at the coil screen. Looks like I'm going to have to go it alone. I need to be strong. Mizuki has sacrificed his liver for me and I need to sacrifice my pride. It's time to activate my final weapon!
I strut out of the bathroom, hair perfectly placed, grin across my face. This is it. The final phase. Aoba spots me straight away and seems confused at my sudden change in mood.
"Oh Koujaku, you're back. Are you really sure you're okay?" he asks.
"Yeah, I'm perfectly fine Aoba. However, there's something I need to tell you." He seems to tense up at those words and his worried gaze pierces me.
"So something is wrong?" he asks. I shake my head.
"Aoba, I need you to listen to me really closely. This is very important", I take a deep breath, "I must be a snowflake because I've fallen for you! I'm a thief and I'm here to steal your heart!" Aoba's mouth drops at my words. He must truly be shocked by my amazing flirtation skills.
"Your body is wonderland and I want to be Alice!" I yell. I take another deep breathe and close my eyes momentarily. I open them when I feel warmth in the form of five fingers on my hand. Aoba is holding my hand. Did I do it? Did I make him fall in love with me?
"Koujaku, I knew something was wrong. Come with me" he says quietly. Huh? Aoba leads me up to his bedroom in silence; my heartbeat refuses to slow down. When we get there, he sits me down on the bed.
"I'll be right back Koujaku. You get in bed" he instructs me. I do as he says without hesitation. Why would I need to get in bed though? Is he? Does Aoba want to.? No way. I didn't think I was so smooth that Aoba would want to bed me straight away. Am I too dangerous for this world? Still, if that's the case, this is really embarrassing. Wait a second! Aoba's telling me what to do? Does that mean he's the... top?
Aoba comes back into the room with the doughnuts in hand. He puts the food on the bedside table and walks over to me. His hand touches my forehead and I feel my face heat up. This is really too embarrassing.
"You're burning up! I knew there was something wrong. You know, you should tell me when you're sick" he mumbles. Sick? I'm not sick am I?
"Aoba" I start, but he cuts me off.
"It's okay, you don't have to apologise. Just next time tell me okay, hippo" he lectures. However, he then blushes slightly and looks away from me. "After all, I do kinda... care about you." Oh god, this is bad. At this rate I won't even be able to look him in those gorgeous eyes. I try to formulate a reply but before I can I feel my hand encased in warmth once more. I look up at him in shock. However, he is not looking at me.
"Aoba?" I ask.
"It's only because you're sick, hippo."
"I guess you could say I'm sick Aoba. Love sick, that is." That's right, baby. You know you want it.
Who am I kidding I just want to hold his hand.
Meanwhile, snide laughter could be heard from the deep darkness of a certain underground place. A tall figure sits behind a large wooden desk. He's typing furiously into his coil under the account name of BootyChaserxxx69. He hears footsteps coming from down the hallway and instantly shuts down the web browser.
"Hey boss, are you ready to go?" comes a voice from the hallway. It's a young member of the Rib group Scratch.
"Yeah" the figure replies. The figure stands and feels as if he's truly made a difference to the world.
Author's Note: I am really sorry. If you managed to read it all you truly are an amazing person. I commend you. I write Koujaku as such a dork haha. But, I just love lame pick-up lines so much.
I'm still sorry.