LES Misérables 2: BACK TO THE BARRICADE
A Disturbing New Musical Adventure
Music By Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber's Cat, and The Creators of "The Electric Sunshine Man" and "Starmites"
Book By Stephenie Meyer
Produced By Raoul, Vicomte de Chagny
Directed By George Lucas and Ed Wood
"The
hideous love child of D*mn Yankees, Back To The Future, and Les
Misérables, only worse! I've had nightmares a bit like this."
—Ben
Brantley, leading critic for New York Times, raves.
CAST:
Marius
Pontmercy………………………………………..Michael Ball
Cosette
Pontmercy…………………………. ………...Susan Egan
Montparnasse……………………………………………...Sean
Palmer
Thenardier…………………………………………………...Timothy
Spall
Enjolras…………………………………………………….....Edward
Watts
Javert……………………………………………………….....Norm
Lewis
Éponine…………………………………………………….....Bella
Swan
Jean
Valjean………………………………………………..Hugh
Panaro
Grantaire……………………………………………….......James
Barbour
Gavroche…………………………………………….........That
tiny freshman
Loudhailer…………………………………………………....Patti
LuPone
National
Guard Guy Soloist………………………...Brian D'Arcy James
Fanteponine
Georjeane Pontmercy……………[My sister]
Barricade Boys
Combeferre………………………………………….Lucas
Grabeel
Courfeyrac……………………………………………Neil
Patrick Harris
Jean
Prouvaire……………………………………..Elijah Kelly
Joly………………………………………………………..Tyler
Maynard
Bossuet………………………………………………….Christian
Borle
Feuilly…………………………………………………
...Aaron Tveit
Random
chorus guy who gets shot first………………[A friend of mine
named Zack]
There are some inside jokes in this scene. One I feel the need to explain is the Raoul one. Basically, my theatre teacher was talking about how everyone has to sing to audition for the musical, even if they want a non-singing part, and this boy starts going, "Muuuusic of the niiiiight" in the most horrendous voice you can imagine. And some kid shouts, "That was the worst thing I've ever heard! We're casting you as Raoul!" And the other guy yells, "No, not Raoul! That is UNCALLED for!" And I'm also playing on the fact that Michael Ball did play Raoul. Okay, on with:
Scene One
(It is about twenty-five years after the end of Les Misérables. The Baron and Baroness Pontmercy are sitting at home. MARIUS is messing about with some paperwork, while COSETTE is fixing her makeup in the mirror.)
MARIUS: Cosette, dear?
(COSETTE looks up, looking slightly startled and irritated)
MARIUS: How come we never… sing anymore?
COSETTE: What?
MARIUS: We used to sing, all the time—you know, 'A heart full of love, a heart full of song…' How come we haven't sung in so long?
COSETTE: Because you have a terrible voice.
MARIUS: (Wounded) What?
COSETTE: Your vibrato makes me sea sick. It sounds like you're singing while riding a stampeding bull elephant. And your vowels are disgusting. Sometimes, you sound like you're doing a bad Elvis impersonation. Your voice is awful. I bet if Cameron Mackintosh heard you sing, he'd cast you as Raoul.
MARIUS: (Very hurt) Raoul? That is uncalled for. You used to LIKE my singing!
COSETTE: I used to like lots of things. I used to like those hideous nun-dresses with the freaky pilgrim collars, but you don't see me wearing those around anymore. (Beat) And that was before I had to listen to you singing in the shower every single morning at five-thirty. I need my beauty sleep. I don't need to hear that horrible "One Step Out Of Time" song for the millionth time.
MARIUS: I'm sorry, honey, I didn't know you felt that way. (Tries to hug her. She pulls away.)
COSETTE: Lose some weight before you hug me, Marius.
(MARIUS makes pathetic wordless mouth movements like a very sad dying fish.)
COSETTE: When was the last time you went to the gym, seriously? It's embarrassing to be seen in public with a slob like you.
MARIUS: (Indignant) I'm a very busy man! I have my law practice—which is, I must say, flourishing—and I spend all my free time taking care of—
COSETTE: Of the child you foisted on me thirteen years ago. I still haven't forgiven you for that. I never asked for a little brat to take care of, especially not one with a ridiculous name like Fanteponine. Perfect, a kid named after two filthy dead skanks! Perfect role models!
MARIUS: (Scandalized) Cosette! One of those 'filthy dead skanks' was your mother! She was an absolute saint! And Éponine brought me to you—
COSETTE: (Grimly) I know. (Pulls face) Wish she'd died sooner.
MARIUS: WHAT?!?!
COSETTE: Anyway, that doesn't change the fact that Fanteponine Georjeane is a terrible name. If I wanted to name my daughter after ugly dead people, I'd have called her Albus Severus.
MARIUS: (Beginning to get defensive) Well, it's better than Renesmee!
COSETTE: Don't be a fool, Marius. Renesmee is a beautiful name.
MARIUS: (Soothingly) Well, if we ever have another baby, you can name her—
COSETTE: Ha! Yeah, right. You're gross enough when the lights are on, but you're not any better in the dark.
MARIUS: You used to enjoy—
COSETTE: I was young and inexperienced then.
MARIUS: Inexperienced? But I'm the only one you've ever—
COSETTE: Yeah, keep telling yourself that, kiddo.
(MARIUS clutches his head in his hands, and with a Herculean effort, shifts back to previous conversation topic.)
MARIUS: Well, would it kill you to spend a little time with Fanteponine? She barely knows you. She's a good kid; I bet you'd like her.
COSETTE: In your dreams. Unlike you, I have a social life. I don't need to be dragged to Jonas Brothers concerts and sit there listening to chatter about who's totally dreamy.
MARIUS: (Staring in a wounded, longing sort of way for a moment.) You never say 'I love you' anymore.
COSETTE: Well, that's certainly true.
MARIUS: Cosette… your father risked his life for me. He wouldn't—
COSETTE: Yeah, well, he also risked his life for a flippin' loaf of bread. My dad was a nice guy, but he didn't always have his priorities straightened out. He'd drag any pathetic boy through the sewer if it meant he got to sing a few more high notes.
MARIUS: (Shaking head) What's happened to us, Cosette?
COSETTE: (Flatly) Well, you got annoying and fat and I got sick of you.
MARIUS: But we used to have something! What we had was pure, and strong, and God-given, and beautiful!
COSETTE: Let me tell you a secret, Marius. You are the most boring guy I have ever met. And that's considering I spent fifteen years living with no one for company but my dad. I used to pretend to listen to you babble on about politics and all your silly little Enlightenment ideals because you were so darn cute. Well, I have news for you. You're not cute anymore.
MARIUS: I'm forty-seven. Of course I'm not as good-looking as I used to be. Of course I've settled down. Of course I'm not as… daring as I was.
COSETTE: Not as daring? Marius, you are a sad, lame loser, and you have always been a sad, lame loser, and you will always be a sad, lame loser. I was willing to excuse that when you were young and cute, but seriously? You've never done a cool thing in your entire life.
MARIUS: What do you mean? I threatened to blow up the barricade. I single-handedly saved the Revolution, while it lasted.
COSETTE: That was in the book, Marius. No one's read that. If we're going by the book, then I wouldn't have made that comment about my dad singing high notes. Well, I know the musical. You did next to nothing on the Barricade.
MARIUS: Yes, I was too busy worrying about you!
COSETTE: Good story, Marius. But let's face it, if you were back at that Barricade today, you'd be just as sad and lame. If not more so. I'll be totally honest with you—you are a pointless waste of human life, and if Fanteponine starts to take after you in any way, I'm putting her up for adoption faster than you can say 'Castle on a Cloud.'
MARIUS: (Sighing) That's it.
COSETTE: (Excited) Ooh! Are you going to leave me? 'Cause, you know, I wouldn't mind if you wanted a divorce, really I wouldn't.
MARIUS: No… no, I'm just going for a walk. (He exits.)
COSETTE: Hmm, time to change the locks again.